I am panicking

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Pure
Pure Member Posts: 1,796
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer
I am panicking
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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited November 2009

    So I had round 2 of chemo today. I do 2 weeks on and 3 weeks off of chemo. I do CFU, DOX, and a C drug. I get more of the drugs then normal people do but with it spaced out it's less toxic.

    Anyway-chemo day is so hard. But today well today tops the cake.

    I sat down next to this very nice lady who had a reoccurence after her first diagnosis in 2002. She is older and I don't know that stats but my worse nightmare sat down next to me. I broke down - they called the counsler-and I panicked cried. So not just tears but can't breathe tears.

    I was staring at my worse fears and though my nurse was like-she 8 years. If you go 8 years they will have something else. And the longer you go the longer you will go again if it comes back.

    ok felt slightly better but here is the thing.

    I am a business women and a mom. Why do I feel "less" then others. Why do I feel so different and almost dissappointed with myself for having this. I don't feel ashamed but I feel insecure that I have this, like I am the only one that has this and I failed somehow.

    To site iwth a knife to your neck until they tell you it comes back is unbearable-when do you get to feeling ok. I hate this so much. I hate it and I don't understand it and I sometimes giving in seems it would be easier then this fear.

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  • helena67
    helena67 Member Posts: 357
    edited November 2009

    I was diagnosed too during pregnancy - you have a lot on your plate right now. Be kind and forgiving to yourself, you are doing all you can do. I am about 1.5 years out and feeling more or less 'normal' again. A new normal, but nevertheless. Hang in!

    -Helena.

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited November 2009

    Helena - I had no idea you were pregnant when diagnosed. Wow, you guys, what bad luck.

    Jen, remember that woman you were sitting by is not you. There is so much you don't know about her, why she got a recurrence, etc.  My husband keeps telling me that science is "galloping" when it comes to BC research, he has a Google alert on it, he says things are coming through all the time. We just need to stay healthy long enough for the next breakthrough. We have to have hope.

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited November 2009

    i think many people blame themselves.

    i don't know why,

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited November 2009

    Oh, I know I did. Still do.

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  • diana50
    diana50 Member Posts: 2,134
    edited November 2009

    jen

    you are feeling so vunerable.  this stuff...getting chemo....sitting next to people who have relapsed...sitting in a room with people who are sick....very sick...is so hard...so upsetting.  YOU ARE YOU...you have your OWN story....you are doing ok.  NOT YOUR FAULT...cancer just shows up....there was NO ONE in my family who had cancer.  and i get it. 

    your posse' is here for you. you are doing every thing you can do. you are in treatment. your scans are good.  this stuff takes you down ...a little at a time...chemo is like that.  it is "progressive"  i felt sooo vunerable as i got into my chemo.  your body is getting treated.  it is hard.  your hormomes are a wreck.  you are going to have a baby soon.  you are going through so much.

    hugs

    diana50

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  • rreynolds1
    rreynolds1 Member Posts: 450
    edited November 2009

    I hope you don't mind that I am responding.  I'm Stage 1 but read these posts because no one knows the course our BC will take.  Many of our Stage IV sisters were Stage 1 when diagnosed.  This is a sneaky disease!  I was on a business trip and told someone I was Stage 1 and she said her mother had a very tiny tumor, node negative and after 10 years it showed up in her bones.  I was a mess for weeks.  Then I decided to work hard to stay in the present.  I could be hit by a car too but I don't waste time worrying about it.  Cancer has taken so much but I won't give it my today. 

    Our fear can be intolerable at times.  I am in a support group and one of the members who is also a theropist made a "Staying Cancer Free" CD.  I have an extra one so if you PM me with your contact info, I will send it to you.  When I start to get the "crazies" I listen to it while I go off to sleep.  It is designed as a hypnosis tape and really relaxes me and makes me feel safe.

    Love and hugs,

    Roseann

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited November 2009

    Thanks Roseann-that is exactly what I need:)

     When you hear those stories it hard b-c we don't know if that person is er and ht pos and those things make a big difference. I tell myself that over and over.

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  • BonnieK
    BonnieK Member Posts: 655
    edited November 2009

    I'm very sorry you are having such a rough time.  It's hard enough to be pregnant and hormonal without dealing with BC at the same time.  I don't really know what else to say except that my thoughts are with you.  BC didn't happen to you or to me or anyone else here because we did anything wrong -- it just happened.  We may never have a recurrence and treatments for BC are improving all the time, so be as positive as possible and try not to beat up on yourself.  Thinking about you...  --bonnie

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  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited November 2009

    Pure.....

    Forget that woman. What happened to her...wont necessarily happen to you.

    Think about it this way.................... you dont know her stats, you dont know what treatment she did OR didnt do..................you dont know if she is medically challenged by anything else that would comprimise her immune system.

    So?, she could have been stage 1. And some stupid oncotype test said she didnt need chemo or even better...was in the grey area for rads...... was Her2+ but at that time, Herceptin was not given because she was Stage 1.......couldnt tolerate her Arimidex, so she gave it up Or was not hormone + to take an anti hormone med.....blah blah blah.... Smile

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2009

    I was so like you, PureE, every time I went into the chemo treatment room.  I would walk in feeling very anxious inside, feel like I was damaged goods and sickly like all the others being in treatment.  I don't know why, maybe we do blame ourselves to an extent for having cancer. ,  I was chemo every 2 weeks all summer.  On my second visit, a lady sitting in her lounger hooked up to an IV suddenly started siezuring.  Her adult daughter sitting   next to her began screaming for the nurses.  I looked at her, looked at my husband, and said "I'm outa here!"   Then I walked out and sat back down in the waiting room and began to hyperventlate.  5 minutes later the nurse came out to escort me back and spoke soothingly to me.  When I went back in the lady was fine in her chair continuing her chemo treatment.  I guess from that day on is why Ativan infusions and warmed blankets were part of my chemo  treatments.  Thiis is such an all consuming emotional journey we are on.  And it has to be especially for you with a pregnancy going on inside of you.  You'll be fine and holding your BOO BOO BABY one day soon  Mommy & Baby







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  • everyminute
    everyminute Member Posts: 1,805
    edited November 2009

    Hate that damaged goods feeling.  Hate that weak and vunerable feeling. 

    It got better when I ran my first 5k after chemo, when I ran a half marathon, when I grew hair.  Most of the time I feel strong and healthy again - you will too soon.

    Hugs

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2009

    everyminute,  I'd love to get back into running.  Can;t do it anymore.  It bothers my knees, even with good running sneakers.  So i just want to get back to brisk walking again.  I know I'll feel stronger soon.  Each day a little better after chemo, and then now 4 weeks into rads feeling exhausted all over again.

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  • gfrey
    gfrey Member Posts: 43
    edited November 2009

    PureE, you're going through more than I can imagine being pregnant through chemo. The chemo & pregnancy are absolutely messing with your hormones. Does your infusion center have private rooms? Knowing that you're understandably emotionally vulnerable right now perhaps it'd be nice for you to be separate; where you can avoid similar situations. I think it's reasonble for you to protect yourself and if that means not being social during infusion so be it. I'm sorry you've had to experience this.

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  • Octobergirl
    Octobergirl Member Posts: 334
    edited November 2009

    Chemo txs. days are so hard...  So many sisters here are pulling for you through the final stretch to your delivery  with all the ups and downs you have to navigate. It is clear that you are brave and strong. And you haven't failed at anything. You touch many lives everyday....family, friends and in your writing here.

    I had chemo at Duke. The waits were long...long...and the infusion room is like a zoo. Gfrey's suggestion to ask for one of the "rooms" with a bed is worth considering.  I asked for one of the rooms once after I had been hospitalized and it was better, quieter and more private. I told my counsellor last week that I hope the new cancer center's infusion room will be designed to promote privacy and less noise.

    Hope these post-tx. days go well for you.  You have a lot of support here from fellow cancer-haters.

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  • helena67
    helena67 Member Posts: 357
    edited November 2009

    Hi Kerry,

    I did not have chemo during pregnancy but my labor was induced early so that I could start treatment (surgery and chemo) as soon as possible. But yes, it's not easy. I came through though and the baby is now a healthy toddler!!

    -Helena.

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  • Annie62
    Annie62 Member Posts: 1,081
    edited November 2009

    I hope you are feeling better today. Don't think about 'why' you got cancer because .... - nobody knows why. We don't know what causes it. You are doing so many things right and you will try to have the healthiest lifestyle possible for you after you finish treatment. 

    Take care,

    Annie 

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited November 2009

    you might try an ipod.   During my first set of chemos i never slept.  I was always learning music.  After a while tho, I came to recognize the benadryl (i think) and could drift off into la la land with no problem. 

    i really enjoyed the relaxation.. funny tho, the sounds of the machines filter thru, but in a rhythmic almost meditative way.

    - always thinking of my stage III sisters.

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  • rreynolds1
    rreynolds1 Member Posts: 450
    edited November 2009

    Hi PureE,

    I just saw your PM.  I forgot to mention that the person on the CD, Charles Bromley, Ph.D. was diagnosed with prostate cancer 4 years ago.  I think he was 42 at the time.  He also does hypno-theropy and did the CD to help us with our fear.  I don't know why he doesn't sell this particular CD  but he gives them out for free to the people in his support group.  What a great guy!

    You can check out his website www.theharborcenter.com.  I just wanted you to know that he is very accomplished and speaks about cancer and other issues all over the northeast.

    Let me know how you like it.  I'll send it out to you tomorrow.

    Roseann

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  • debisongbird
    debisongbird Member Posts: 275
    edited November 2009

    I was reading on the IBC forum of all the survivors and how many years. Give that a peek. It's very inspirational. Those women are still going strong and so can you.

    We live in a society that subliminaly says you're to blame if you're sick or have an illness. Like if you had a different attitude of something you wouldn't have gotten sick. Don't believe it. Not for one minute. You are not to blame for getting cancer. There are things that are out of our control - and cancer is one of them. It is not your fault!

    So, if you have to believe something anyway, believe you will survive and live to tell about it. Belive in yourself, believe in God - and get a good support system, so you can express yourself. And it's OK TO CRY. Love and hugs, DebiSongbird

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  • Sammer
    Sammer Member Posts: 8
    edited November 2009

    There are so many things that we all could say and will say to help you feel better and you will--not just temporarily.  There will be a time again where you don't have to think about it every waking moment.  There will be a time when you'll feel normal again.  YOU did nothing wrong.  Our environment has done the wrong--and what we've let it become, especially for women.  We, will, however, learn how to avoid those toxic dangers all around us.  In them meantime, build your immune system--find out all you can to do so.  The body is an amazing machine when we get it pumped up to work for us--it wants to be well.  Hippocrates Health Institute in West Palm Beach (and I've just learned of Dr. Julian Whitaker of where, I don't know) can be the best help you could ever imagine.  I was diagnosed two years ago, went immeditately to Hippocrates and changed my life.  In the short term--get the audio book "The Secret" by R. Byrne? and listen to it until you've memorized the chapters. It'll be worth it.  Hugs   Sammer

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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited November 2009

    Pure,

    I'm so sorry you had such a terrible experience at chemo. One thing to remember is that there are MANY women (and a few men) out there who have gone through what you are going through, and now they are out there feeling better and living their lives.  You won't see them in the chemo room, but it's hard to remember that when you run into the people who are continuing to get treatment.  You are an individual, and your experience is going to be different than anyone else's, even if you both started out with similar statistics.  I remember feeling that vulnerable, and I know it sucks.  But even with you being pregnant and going through it, you've managed to be strong and keep going.  And if anyone, in there or anywhere else, wants to share a less-than-successful story with you, tell them you don't want or need to hear it.  You've got living to do!!!!

    There's a lot of us keeping you in our thoughts and prayers on this board!

    Hugs

    Bobbie

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited November 2009

    Thanks!!!! I have 3 weeks of no chemo then it's my half way mark and last treatment before baby. I am planning on spending the next 3 weeks taking optimal care of myself emotionally and physically:)

    Thanks for all your support!!

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  • Beverly11
    Beverly11 Member Posts: 443
    edited November 2009

    Hi Debi - Is the IBC forum on this website? 

    Pure E - thinking of you.  These are the toughest times ever.  I still have lows but I can bounce back quicker than I use too.  

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited November 2009

    Thanks Debi and Beverly for your kind and supportive words:)

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