I'd love your views

Hi Erica,

I wish I had opted out of reconstruction.  Just before my first fill on my expander, I found myself getting accustomed to being flat on that one side.  Now I'm having some complications.  It seems that a small section of the incision opened up and it's taking a bit of time to heal thanks to the chemo.

I don't think I've really considered the mastectomy all that disfiguring even though it is by societies standards.  I could have lived happily flat chested with the scars (and without this worry of the complications).

Hi Erica-

I wish a little bit of your attitude would rub off on me! I am breast free but I hate to tell you that I feel mutilated/disfigured from the mastectomies and it is making me crazy.

I didn't do recon because my mother had breast augmentation about 35 years ago (not for cancer). Her breasts are so hard that when she hugs you, they feel like two rocks. I have always been turned off by implants so I just could not imagine getting them myself. And I was/am too scared of flap type procedures to do it because if the results didn't turn out well or I had complications, I would probably be a real basket case. So, I decided to get beautiful tattoos on my scars which definitely help.

What I didn't anticipate is the level of depression I have experienced as a result of the mastectomies. I always had a very good self image and never thought it was connected to my boobs at all. My hair is gray and I don't wear make up. I am no thing of beauty, just pretty average. I have always been a very strong woman so I am surprised and ashamed that I have coped so badly with loss of breasts. It has affected the quality of my life something fierce. I am a changed woman and not in a good way. Not to sound dramatic but I actually felt something inside of me die, it was like a candle being snuffed out. I don't know exactly what it was but I am pretty sure it was my feeling of sexiness, confedence and femininity. That feeling is gone and I just can't get it back.

I live in a subtropical climate, so I don't normally wear a prosthesis because it is hot and uncomfortable. I just go flat which probably fuels my depression. And I've always worn a 2 piece bathing suit and I just can't get into the mastectomy suits. And I am on a boat alot. I just need to accept the new me. I admire you for being able to accept your new body.

I hope some day that I can feel as comfortable in my skin as you do. It gives me hope. 

For me, the loss of my breasts was less about looks (though I do miss the attention they garnered me) and more about the loss of an erogenous zone. In this regard, I have used the word "castrated" even though it is not really the same thing.  I could orgasm with just my boobs being touched...and clearly that option is gone.  I have used the word disfigured at times because it has affected my sillhouette.  I have used the word deformed, because I am no longer as I was.

I confess going flat is great and I never bothered with forms from the get-go, so in that regard, some of my freedom was returned to me (attention is great, but not always--like walking down the hall in an office and knowing you are being starred at).  

As many of us know, we'd all rather opt out of cancer but too bad no one asked us!

I decided not to have reconstruction because I did not want to have additional surgeries and the various methods of reconstruction all had major draw backs, imo. 

I do  feel like my breasts were amputated.  I have phantom nipple sensations and when I take a shower it feels like the water is running over the space my breasts used to occupy - not over my now flat chest.   

I dislike the way my scars look - to me they are ugly.   In addition to being ugly, the scars still feel tight and uncomfortable even after a year.  I have full range of motion and my strength hasn't been effected, but I am usually aware of my scars.   On the other hand, I looked at a lot of pictures of reconstructed breasts before my bi mast and I didn't find them esthetically appealing either.   

I normally don't wear forms and am comfortable enough going flat.  I get odd looks from people who knew me pre breast cancer (I was very busty), but normally no one seems to notice my breast less state and I don't worry about people's reactions. 

I miss my breasts; however I do know that a mastectomy was my only surgical option as my cancer was multi-centric and I do not regret my decision to opt out of  reconstruction.  

I had a single mast. in 2006.  As some of you know, it was a non-issue for me.  Pre-cancer I was a typical youngish cute mom who always looked pretty good.  My boobs were on the smallish side but looked pretty good.  I was shocked at how well I adjusted to removing a breast.  Don't get me wrong, I liked having 2 breasts but I guess after thinking I would die, well, to me trading a breast was worth it.  I have never felt mutilated although I do understand how some people could feel that way.  Every once in a while I think it would be nice to have reconstructed but I am physically active and really after all the surgeries, chemo, rads, etc. I just don't want to go through any other procedures.

What interests me the most is that people who have not been through cancer seem to feel very uncomfortable when they find out I chose not to reconstruct.  Many people have said things like, "Oh, maybe someday you will reconstruct."  I don't know why people feel the need to say that but I guess the thought of not having boobs is uncomfortable for THEM.  Even my mother told me the day I came home from my mastectomy that she would rather die than lose a breast.  I just don't get that and I am glad I feel comfortable enough to make the decision that was right for ME.

Hi Barbara -

Love the new blog title, very clever. Thanks for all you do.

As you probably know, I chose to have a unilateral mastectomy due to my large tumor size and small breast. A year later, as I was considered high risk for developing a 2nd cancer in my other breast, I had a prophylactic mastectomy. I actually felt more comfortable after having the prophy mast; although my remaining breast had been small, I was at least now totally symmetrical.

Due to radiation, I am unable to have expanders/implants. Also, options such as DIEP are not offered in my area, leaving my only options pedicle TRAM or Lat flap reconstruction.

To be honest, there are days when I wish I had breasts and consider reconstruction, but not the methods above. No way Jose. Losing muscle with no guarantees that I would even be happy with these breasts, naw.

Do I feel unattractive not having breasts? Not at all. Do I feel less sexy? Normally no, although I must admit I do have my days. I guess I would have to say overall I feel great and do not give my breastless state much thought. I wear my prostheses to work, they look and feel so real. If someone hugs me, the person cannot tell as they feel so life like. They are not rock hard as the implants mentioned above.

Around the house, at the gym, among other places, I go form free and actually kind of like that look - it has a trim, athletic feel about it.

Carol - LOVE your new avatar - beautiful!

Raye 

I'm like Raye, had one mastectomy for BC and then a prophy almost a year later.  It was just last week, in fact.  I have to admit that it does bug me a little but it is no where near as bad as what I had envisioned. 

Why did I opt out?
1.  Can't face the surgeries, fills, procedures etc right now.

2.  I want to get my life back.  I want to be able to pick up my 4 yr old RIGHT NOW.

3.  I want to be healthy.  A hiatus from exercise (again) isn't an option for me right now.

4.  BC has already taken so much TIME from me.  I don't want to give it another minute.

So, yes, I feel unsexy. I admit it... However, I'm finally comfortable.  I could never get comfortable with my uniboob.  I'm hoping that over time, I'll feel better about the whole thing.  I plan to revisit the option of recon in a year or 2 but I'm hopeful that I won't be interested. 

Raye - just an FYI - you can get implants after radiation - it just depends on your plastic surgeon and your skin. The radiated skin may not stretch as well but many women do just fine.

I've been trying to think of how to talk about my own journey to recovery and peace with what I have (and don't have) since my bilat 3 and a half years ago.  I went flat for the first 7 months, then I tried silicone prostheses for 4 months, then I went flat for 4 months, then I wore PALS 24/7, and I was fairly content with that, except it was more of a hassle than I wanted, especially when I traveled.  Then I tried the Silique Comfort Lites for a couple of months, and while I liked the weightlessness, I hated having to change morning and night.  So in July, after seeing the Wardrobe for Boobless Days (or whatever it is called) thread, I decided to go back to not wearing prostheses, and I am SO much happier.  I just feel better being who I am.  I don't mind that other people want to wear prostheses, but I just feel odd, as though I am cheating.  I don't think other people are, but I think I am.  I find it is easier for me to accept the way I am and NOT think about it much, when I go form-free.  There are many styles of clothing that look fine on a flat figure.  And if people are noticing, then they seldom if ever show it.  Besides, everyone who knows me knows I had a bilat, so the only surprised looks came from people when I suddenly sprouted boobs for a while!  I know we all have to find our own ways to peace with what cancer has done to us, and that this is just my way, but I never considered recon, and I doubt that I will ever go back to prostheses either.  Besides, now that I have lost another 10-12 pounds, I am actually very happy with how I look, for the first time in my life!

Blessings to all of you as you find and share your own ways of coping with the beast and winning!

Dawn 

I don't feel disfigured or mutilated at all. 2 years ago I lost a lot of weight (169 lbs) so my breasts were just deflated little sacks anyway! It's sort of nice not having them dangling around! I chose not to have reconstruction because I didn't want additional surgery, and since I'm so active I didn't want to have to wear bras all of the time. At my health club initially I felt odd in the locker room, and worried that someone might catch a glimpse of my chest. But, now I don't really care. In fact yesterday I had a good reminder that I am not the only "different" one there. A lady nearby me was blind. It was sort of ironic how I was standing there putting on my bra with forms while she was talking to her Assistant Dog.

Otter - I think that photoshopping your breast out of the photo was a great idea. You shouldn't be embarrassed about that at all. It gave you a perspective of what was to come and an enlightenment of sorts. Great creative thinking.

One thing I must admit that I didn't mention before. While I am comfortable with myself not having breasts, I am almost obsessive about the rest of me. Maybe a form of overcompensation? I worry if I gain five pounds, etc. (oh except yesterday when I ate all of that fudge). It's as though I want to make up for not having breasts by looking as good as possible for me in other ways. Someone asked me why I worried about my weight so much and I responded that when you don't have boobies, you have to look good on other fronts. I realize as I type this that this sounds somewhat shallow, but it is what works for me. One might construe this to mean that perhaps I am not as comfortable breast free as I profess, but I do know myself and how and what it takes to be comfortable in my skin.

Raye

Hmmm, Raye and Barbara, now you have me thinking. I mean, giving up the nightly Hagan Daz can certainly be considered extreme behavior! I too am fussy-bothered now by even slight weight gain, but I just assumed it was because, without my breasts, I can see my tummy all too clearly when I look down at myself. I do miss the camouflage of breasts blocking that view!
Binney

Barbara and Raye,

I love how you  make me think!  I think my longer hairstyle is one of my compensations also.  And I do care a lot more about how the rest of me looks, now that I'm missing that one (those two) component(s) of femininity.  And since I'm one who is going without boobs of any kind, I need all the help I can get to look feminine to others.  So I do try a little harder than I did for a while.  

As for feeling disfigured or whatever, the surgeon who did my surgery left me with ugly scars which run diagonally from center up to armpit, and what I called a double-tuck on the left on the side.  I had been explicit that I was not going to have recon, and I was stunned that he left me looking as I did.  It has helped to lose some more weight,, because the "tuck" is not so prominent without the "stuffing", and the scars are finally fading after 31/2 years, though they are still very wide.  He used internal stitches and glue on the outside,  I think something else would have made a much better scar, as I haven't seen any like mine on anyone.  Still, I am alive, and flat now, and once I get my clothes on, I do feel quite good about the way I look.  Barbara, thanks for starting this thread with your blog.  I do enjoy your writing.

Dawn