When, if ever, does the paranoia end?

Hey Gayle!  For some people it takes time.  For me...I always like to say I stick my head in the sand.  Of course I didn't have small children..mine are adults.  All I can say is try to live your life as normal as possible.  Young kids will keep you so busy.  And, my hat's off to you for going through treatment with two little ones.  One day at a time...one step at a time.

If you have never seen this before..watch it.   It helped me.

Cancer Crusade Survivor Movie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWGqETd6oxk

Hi Gayle,

I was diagnosed in 1986.  IDC, 2 cm, Stage II, ER-/PR-, 0/15 nodes, mast, chemo.  I had just turned 35 and my kids were ages 12 and 8.  Like you, I was terrified I wouldn't get to see them grow up.  I became terribly depressed during chemo and it took a while to get over that.  I had scans every three months, then every four months, then every six months, and finally once a year.  Every time I went for a checkup or scan I was a complete basket case.  I'd spend the week before the appointment working myself into a frenzy.  I'd be positive they'd find something and I would spend the drive to the doctor's office picturing the doctor telling me the bad news, then me telling my DH the bad news, then my slow death...you get the idea.  Every ache and pain was a recurrence or metastasis.  Every time I saw the word cancer it stood out in huge bold print.  

Gradually, as all my scans were clear and my checkups good, I began to feel better.  Aches and pains were just...aches and pains.  I didn't turn into a nut case before checkups.  I was a little apprehensive, of course, but not unduly so.  Eventually I had enough good checkups that I began to expect good news each time.  Breast cancer became part of my history, something in my past, not an overwhelming part of my present.  If I was talking with people and the subject of breast cancer came up, I didn't necessarily mention that I'd had bc.  If I read or heard about someone with breast cancer, I'd think, "Oh, that's a shame" without feeling like a fist just grabbed my heart.  My kids were getting older and I felt confident I'd see them graduate from college and live their adult lives.

So the paranoia does end, but it can take a while. Each time you have a good checkup you feel a little safer.  You're always aware that bc can recur any time, but as the years pass, you know the likelihood becomes much less that it will.  

Having said that, I have to tell you that in 2002, when I had just turned 52, I found a new lump.  It was a new primary tumor, not a recurrence.  It was very similar to the first time, only this time I had 4 positive nodes.  I was triple neg.  I had a mast, then chemo, then rads.  It was interesting that I felt better going back for checkups and occasional scans then the first time.  Even though my prognosis wasn't as good as the first time because of the positive nodes, I was more confident that I would do well.  This time it didn't take nearly as long for me to put bc in its place and feel hopeful about the future.  

And I was right to feel that way, because I'm still here.  And so far, there's no sign of recurrence or mets.   

Good luck!

Sandy 

My rather flip answer to when we stop having paranoid thoughts is when we either move to Stage IV, or die of something else. But I'd really rather say:

What is it that Winston Churchill said? "We have nothing to fear, but fear itself."  I agree with Elaine...don't let cancer fears rob you of your good times while you are in good health. If you ever do fall into the Stage IV group and are on permanent chemo, you'll be kicking yourself that you lost those times when you felt physcially good.

For me the whole paranoia thing is just starting.  I was diagnosed in 2007.  Been "done" wiith treatment and treating treatment complications for a litle over a year (apparently being on hromone therapy isn't considered being in treatment).  Now I'm working on getting  reconstruction and all of a sudden I have become terrified each time I have any pain that it means I have mets, and they'll make me have scans before reconstruction, find the mets, and then I won't be able to have reconstruction.  I'm more afraid of finding mets now then I ever have been.  I'm hoping this fear will begin to fade after reconstruction. 

NancyD I am sure you didn't mean to be really that flip to equate moving to stage IV the same as dying of something else.   Lots of us are stage IV and are not permanently on chemo.  We are though still paranoid of recurrence.    Going to stage IV still does not remove the fear of recurrence.  I am stage IV but have been cancer free for 1 1/2 years.   I still fret most aches and pains as it coming back.   We are all riding that same wave of paranoia.   

Something you have to understand about Stage IV is that not all of us feel physically bad.  I do physically more in a day than most healthy women I know ... so it really is not always doom and gloom. 

Gayle ... I think it takes a very conscious effort to not worry with each ache, pain and sickness.   You have to remind yourself that you are still a normal girl who will get other non cancer related illnesses.   Not sure you can ever remove that worry .. but you can purposely push it to the back of your head.

Jennifer

I have found as time goes on , the paranoia sets in when check-ups and scans are coming up for sure, but the daily fear goes to the background and rests a bit  ♥

I think it's normal to be on guard when you have unusual aches and pains.  I would rather err on the side of paranoia than to just dimiss something that turns out to be important.  I've had scans for my sore neck (osteoarthritis), sore lower back (osteoarthritis) and left ribs (fracture!).  It's good to determine what's causing pain to put your mind at ease.

I think as time passes we won't panic nearly as much.

Titan, Linda, Shirley,

Thank you for your kind comments.  Believe me, I'm very happy to be here and alive and able to share my story.  I made an error in my post; I had just turned 51, not 52, when I was diagnosed with the second primary.  Ironically, it was almost 16 years to the day of the first diagnosis.  

I've been thinking about this a bit lately and I think one of the reasons that it took me longer to get back to "normal" after finishing treatment the first time as opposed to the second time was because of the deep depression I had.  When I was diagnosed the second time and discovered this board, most of the women on here were taking anti-depressants, however, it was much different in 1986.  I did tell my oncologist I was deeply depressed.  He was a wonderful, caring oncologist, but he really dropped the ball on this.  He suggested if I really felt I needed a crutch, perhaps I should find a support group.  Basically he said I should just pull myself up by my bootstraps.  Someone asked me a few years after my treatment ended what the worse thing was, meaning chemo, losing my hair, having a mastectomy, etc.  Although I had a really rough time with chemo (in 1986 there were only a few anti-nausea drugs and neither worked well for me), after I thought about this, I realized the worst thing was the debilitating depression.  

When I started chemo in 2002, I talked to my new oncologist about going on an anti-depressant. I told him how depressed I'd been the first time and how long it took me to get over it.  I stressed that I did not want to deal with that again.  I could not believe he suggested waiting to see how things went.  I was so shocked I didn't argue with him.  However, I went into the chemo room and laid down on the floor and kicked and screamed and that did the trick.  Just kidding!   Actually, I started crying in the chemo room and thankfully one of the compassionate, caring nurses asked me what was wrong.  She immediately went to talk to my onc and before I left, I had a prescription for an anti-depressant.  

I really believe it helped tremendously and enabled me to get back to normal much sooner the second time.  I realize anti-depressants aren't for everyone, but they definitely helped me.  Of course, it also helped to know I was fine after treatment the first time, so I was able to be much more positive by focusing on that.  

Hoping for good health and many, many years of life for all of us,

Sandy 

Edit: I don't know why part of my post is in italics, but I tried and can't change it for some reason. I didn't make those comments separate paragraphs either, but I can't seem to fix that either.