I'm (NOT F'*%$@#$) "OK"!
Comments
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I've been answering most inquiries, unless they are a very close friend, with "I'm doing okay for now." or "I'm not too bad right now." It lets them know that for the moment, I'm doing okay or feel fine, but . .. it's not over until they find a cure.
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Pam, I went to a reunion right after chemo and I looked a fright..five years later I went to another and one of the wives whispered to others that " I had had work done"..right...
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I answer "I'm FINE" which means (to me)
Fu**ed up
Insecure
Neurotic and
Emotional
which describes me perfectly.
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My usual response is "I feel like dog sh$t", because I usually do.
Apparently bc crusaders look terrific while going through tx. My guess is they are expecting the cancer to eat us away and dwindle us down to 85lbs in a matter of weeks. So I enlighten them about why I look "SO GREAT" I tell them it is the steroids, that imo bc is Gods funniest type of cancer, he takes healthy, beautiful, women and turns us into middle aged looking men, you know, bald, no breasts, fat. Ppl really have no idea to react to that one, most of them do laugh. I also tell anyone who will listen about how while chemo is saving my life it makes me feel like I am dying. Chemo brings you to the brink of death, but just doesn't kill you (sorry my SEs are really bad).
When they ask if they got it all? Will I be ok? I tell them I sure hope so, but I will NEVER be cured, that there is NO cure for bc! And then I thank them for asking. I look at it like this, if someone asks I am not only going to tell them how I am doing I am going to give them an education in the meantime~lol
I think the ppl that bother me the most are other bc sisters that sailed through tx and act like bc is no big deal! I could just punch some of them! I know 2 survivors that minimize it! That pi$$es me off much more than someone who just doesnt know what to say.
Hugs to you all, may you have high boots to get you through this mountain of $hit.
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When my late dear father reached his nineties, he always responded to inquiries about how he was doing - "I'm still kicking, but not very high." That's exactly the way I feel most days! But, I usually say, "I'm fine". I was asked by a casual acquaintance how long I have to live. I said, "I'm not sure, how long do you have?" Shut her up!
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Baywatcher: I love yours! LMAO. I hate the question - you know I have breast cancer; you know I am undergoing therapy, unable to work etc and you still ask me "how are you"????? My daughter is the only one who knows not to ask the question. She knows [and accompanies sometimes] all my doctors' and treatment appointments and she calls to get updates only. She calls me everynight to have my 19 month old grandbaby say goodnight to 'granny Vilma' - I do not answer most of my phone calls for some dumb A person calling to ask me how I am doing!
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Oh this is such an excellent thread - touching on the thing that grates me too. People say I look great - why do they feel they need to say that?!
I certainly do not feel like I look great. The flushed face from Femara makes my cheeks look all healthy to some eyes. Usually I tell people "thank you - it is all smoke and mirrors". They don't know that I have to assemble a fake boob, fake hair, tissues to catch the Herceptin runny nose and makeup to cover up the dark circles under my eyes. And when they see me out and about it is because I have had a nap and some rest time to be able to get out that day.
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I'm going back to work next week so am expecting an onslought of comments. I've seen a few people and they go on and on about how good I look - which is crap because I'm wearing a wig, I have no boobs, I've put on 30 pounds etc. etc. I wish they wouldn't say anything and just say "glad to see you back" ......especially when people go on and on about how wonderful I look I know they are not sincere. I think I'll just respond with "I"m here" if people ask how I am. If they go to the great looking part I may just tell them they don't have to lie for my sake.
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When people say "your O.K. right?".........they are just trying to reassure themselves......that if they should get cancer that they will be ok just like you...........
I usually respond now "I am doing well thank you for asking"............I mean what can you say..........I have an incurable cancer (yes breast cancer is considered incurable) that I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life............my bones ache for a lack of estrogen..........I can't get a pimple without going into over drive........my radiated boob is scared, mangled, and looks like a "sister boob".......in fact I call my boobs "Ebony and Ivory"...........and ebony looks like hell.........
The further you get out from original dx you will learn to live with "it"............but you do have a choice to make.........you can let the cancer go ahead and "kill" you emotionally and mentally now and just wait to die physically or you can accept it and move on with your life............there really is no other way.......when people ask how you are doing or when they say you look great......what I call the (chemo glow)......I usually just say thank you........I am grateful for everyday.......which is true.........
Cancer is one of those life changing events that we all have..........you are not the same person after having a child......you are not the same person after getting married........you sure are not the same person after divorce........and you will never be who you were before you had cancer........but that may not be a bad thing..........you soon realize that you know all kinds of medical terms........you can read a pathology report better then first year medical students..........you know when people are bull shitting you...........(not sure how that happens but it does)...........
So I would just smile.........say I am having a good day.......or maybe a bad day.........but thank you so much for asking..........and then come here to bc.org and tell us what some idiot said to you in the grocery store today..........Shokk
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In your best Vinnie Barbarino voice, you could try this method......depending on your mood that is. hehe
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I am really loving this thread.....I will say that I have started to enjoy telling the various telemarketers that call looking for donations etc. that I am currently going thru treatment for breast cancer and my husband is now umemployed. Completely shuts them up. I'm sure some don't believe me - it does seem unbelievable that we have both hit the jackpot so to speak. I should really buy some lottery tickets.
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Awwwwwwww..........the "cancer card"............it does give you a sense of power..........when everything in your life seems out of control........my oldest even used it at school her senior year of high school........her teachers would look at her with pity in their eyes and tell her "just get that paper turned in when you can"..............oh those were the days..........Shokk
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Gee: "You're ok, right?", versus "How ARE you???" spoken with a hushed, concerned (funereal) voice... I can't decide which I hate the most. They are my two least-favorite questions. But, as others have said here, my response (and my reaction) will depend on who's asking the question and how well I know the person.
I've had very close, very dear relatives who have asked me, "You're okay, right?". I know exactly what they mean: "Is the cancer gone? Are you going to be okay?". Those are sincere, heartfelt questions coming from people who really care about me.
What they're saying is quite different from someone telling me, "Oh, I'm sure you'll be okay," or "Don't worry -- everything will be okay." Those people don't have a clue. I'm tempted to respond to them by saying, "What would you know about it?", but I don't.
When I get "You're okay, right?", from a dear, close friend or relative, I usually reply, "I sure hope so. My doctors say there's no sign of cancer right now ... but with breast cancer, you never really know (until you die of something else)." That response often raises an eyebrow, and gives me an opportunity to explain a bit about the recurrence risk we face with BC.
If someone I don't know very well says, "You're OK, right?", I usually respond, "Sure -- I'm feeling GREAT!". They don't want to know how I really am, any more than the telemarketer really wants an honest answer to the question, "How are you doing today?". None of your d**n business...
As for the hushed, funereal voice asking me, "How ARE you?"... I HATE it. It reeks of pity. I have a small number of people around me who seem to think pity is the appropriate response when someone is having problems. When (if) they called me during my active BC treatment (mast/SNB and chemo), the conversation always began with, "How ARE you? No, I mean really--how are you?". What I wanted to say was, "How the h*ll do you think I am???" But, since I knew they were prepared to launch into a weeping, hand-wringing monologue about how terrible they felt about my cancer and how shocking it was to hear about it and how miserable I must be feeling, I usually blew them off by saying, "How am I? I'm doing GREAT!!! Feeling fantastic! How are you?".
We have been diagnosed with cancer. Some of us can say we had cancer, but even so, we aren't sure that it isn't going to come back. So, we are not okay. Thanks anyway.
otter
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"You look great....." (spoken)
"....considering." (unspoken)
Ugh!
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I think the answer you give to that question depends on who's asking it, the context (are you at a cocktail party or having a cup of tea in your kitchen), and what you feel prepared to share. I tell concerned friends or long-term acquaintances that I've finished treatment and am feeling much better (it would be hard to feel worse than when you're undergoing treatment). That often does it. If they follow up with closer questions I share a little more information. You can usually tell if someone is genuinely interested in what's going or just making a polite inquiry or burning to tell you some awful story of a friend or relative. Do what feels comfortable for you. You've been through a lot, and you have the right to set some limits here.
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Nice post, septembersong.
otter
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My reply is "Better than yesterday but not as good as tomorrow". I must not have gotten to the point that folks asking me how I am is a major issue. I truly appreciate that all the people who ask me are truly concerned for my well-being and want only the best for me. It may be naive and even optimistic, but I don't have the energy in me to be negative.
Those who are really close to me talk to me at least weekly if not daily. I don't mind talking about it. It helps me to keep it out in the open instead of bottling it inside me; giving me anxiety and depression. I can't allow this in my llife.
Yes I have breast cancer, but it doesn't have me and no matter what, I will not let it control my life and drive me to the brink of insanity. I will overcome, I will persevere and I will discuss it openly with the most distant stranger just to help keep it off my mind and heart.
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hrf
I want you to know you fooled me completely. You looked amazing the night I saw you. The hair looked great - realistic. I couldnt tell that you were in treatment. Hope you just wow them all.
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" I am doing amazing, thank you..."
" I am so mad at the change in me... I am 18 pds heavier than I ever have been.... if I do not take a pill daily.... I hurt sooooooooooooooooooooo bad from rads and surgery.... if I do not take another pill daily.... I have 50 hot flashes a day....and my business... that was so GRAND for 15 yrs... is falling apart... because I took off 8 months to have chemo and surgery..then worked through rads....... but I am happy to be alive 1 1/2 after DX... and I am ALMOST done with treatment.... and after my last Herceptin injection... I only have to have a bone scan... brain mri... and CT every three months for three yrs....."
Who really wants our true story?
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OMG! I am truly NOT alone.... I have laughed til i cried
,while reading your replies. I was also silenced at some of the replies-you have touched me!. If I can't be the person i was before B/C, I am SURE glad I belong here with you guys now!xo
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So Stepper you now weigh 118 lbs instead of that 100 lbs........dang those 18 lbs..........ha..........my bad boob weighs more then you do..........Shokk
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So many of your responses here have hit home with me. I've been laughing and sighing as I read them all. You are so able to express what I have been feeling.
I have to admit, I was guilty of asking a dumb question or two of women I have known in my past who were treated for BC. What can I say, I didn't know! Looking back, I see how gracious they were in responding to me. I try to remember that when I feel the need to react to something insensitive of flat out dumb that is said to me.
Now I feel the need to gently educate others. If I think enough of someone to take the time, I'll explain a little about how hard it is, and that there is no cure. I tell them so that they may be more sensitive in the future if they encounter someone with BC. It seems that people are just too optimistic about BC. They seem to think it's not like having "real cancer".
Just like others have said here, there are some people close to me who I protect with my responses, and those rare special others with whom I really share what is happening to me.
I so agree with you geneskirt, I'm sure glad to be here among others who understand so well!
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People don't really ask me anymore. I started my cancer journey in 1999. I wish they would because I've been alot more open and honest w/ people these days. I did recently tell my sister that I cry every time I go to my psychiatrist and I'm very lonely. Years ago I would have said, "I'm fine." Take care.
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Heck I avoid social events just so I am not asked questions. Blue, your Vinnie Barbarino video cracked me up. I think I will use that the next time someone asks me how I am. "Give me drugs" lol.
Me
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@Lassie11: I get the same comment too but not on Femara. I think most cancer drugs gives your face that flushed and clean look. Everybody tells me the same thing - I will ask my doc about this next week. Not to change the subject y'all.......
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Thanks, Dreamwriter...
It helps to know that most of you share similar feelings. I've already told my boss, that when he welcomes me back on Tuesday morning to keep it simple and not to make a big deal of things. That might help to set the tone to start
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This is a great thread. Thanks for starting it. I love some of the other answers.
I have found that most people ask "how are you" without really wanting an answer. So I don't let it upset me and I just say "Fine, thanks." My close friends know what is going on, but for acquaintances they are just being polite and don't want to know. If they did want to know, they would've sent a card or flowers or done something during the past year.
This week I was at an "official charity dinner." I did not realize the host who had paid for the table we were at and his wife knew about my cancer. The husband asked "how are you doing?" and I said fine. But the wife asked me at least four or five times and it was only when I got home that I realized she was asking about my cancer. So she got my standard answer "fine, and how are you and your daughters?" And I don't feel anger, I just figure they are busy and don't really care.
Have a nice day all.
Mandy
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As far as the "you look great" comment - I take it as their own fears about what a "cancer patient" looks like - pale, bald, gaunt, etc. Well, compared to that I guess "great" is what I Iooked like.
My own "how I looked during treatment" story: In Israel, cancer patients undergoing treatment get disability inisurance. I applied when I started chemo, and got a letter saying I was approved until Sept. 2009, and they would reevaluate my case then. Since I knew rads would finish during the summer, I figured, fine, that's a good help. I got a letter to come for the reevaluation before a "medical committee" in mid-June (about 6 weeks afterr chemo but before rads). My dh suggested I wear a scarf, not my wig, since I looked pretty good with the wig. I told him I was not only going to wear a scarf, I wasn't going to put on any makeup- and I had no eyebrows or lashes at the time. The "medical committee" consisted of a doctor and a clerk. The very sweet doc, after seeing me walk VERY slowly into the room (it wasn't a "good day") asked how I was feeling, was I able to care for myself, etc. I told her that I could care for myself, although slower sometimes than I had been. She asked if I was done with treatment, and I told her chemo was done, rads were to come. The clerk writing everything down had me sign it, and that was it. A few weeks later I got a letter saying my disability had been extended until August 2010!
Yeah, I looked great all right.
Leah
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Leah, sounds like I need to move to Israel! Glad it worked in your favor.
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I am loving this thread - everyone is saying what I feel. I don't want to discuss "cancer" for the 20th time in one day. I don't want to read another article they've cut out or read another book they thought I might like. Like others have said those who know me know what I'm going through and for the others do they REALLY want to know all of the miserable SE's I'm suffering with? For the most part, when asked I reply "good and bad days". What I especially HATE is the "you look good" comment. Really, I have no boobs, bald and losing my eyebrows and lashes. How can I possibly look good? Worse yet - take my picture and post it all over the internet - then send it to my entire office. How can anyone possibly think I would appreciate that!!!! What I do love are my friends and family that can still talk to me like a person and have a conversation about something other than "cancer".
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