Why Can't I Get Back to Living?

Two years ago I finished aggressive chemo and radiation for early breast cancer. I'm still not healthy, and I can't understand why not.

Just before my diagnosis, I had lost 30 pounds following 7 months of a doctor-supervised liquid diet, I was exercising hard and regularly and felt great. I was able to maintain my weight loss all throughout treatment, and was proud of myself. However, after treatment was over, I just couldn't get my energy back and three months later became very ill with diverticulitis, which I had never had before treatment. I expected that once treated for that, I'd be able to get back into the swing of life again, but ended up gaining back 25 pounds and drinking too much (something new for me), mostly alone. I drank when I felt unwell, and wellness just never happened.

I bounce between a sinus infection and diverticulitis, again and again, until at this point, I'm either getting over something or coming down with something, with rarely a week of health inbetween! I even had sinus surgery earlier this year in hopes of achieving some long-term health, but still the infections.

I'm currently on Arimidex, following a year and a half of Tamoxifen. My labs are good, no signs of cancer, and I don't catch colds and such. My stress level is low, and my life is pretty undemanding. I quit drinking about a month ago. I have some depression, mainly caused by fact that I'm so restricted in my life by constant illness! I'm a positive person and I pick myself up after every illness and try again to get back into exercise and getting out of the house, but then I just get knocked down again with another infection.

I'm supposed to have a new lease on life, right? Why can't I get back to living? Am I alone in this?

Thank you, I'm honestly surprised to have received such a warm and understanding reply. Perhaps I'm not the only one in these circumstances.

I have been seeing a good counselor for a year now, and am on antidepressants. We both feel I'm mentally healthy, just struggling for strength. It's so hard to convey the experience of treatment and resulting body changes to someone who has never been through it. I suppose treatment itself is a trauma, and not often enough recognized as such.

Thank you again.

It's amazing how you all seem to read my mind. I'm looking into volunteering with an Adult Literacy program once I can predict my health a bit better. And yes, sleep! That's been difficult for me all my life, and moreso now.  Yes, and I am sleeping much better since quitting drinking! I may need to start having a catnap in the afternoon, good advice.

So much kindness and wisdom here! Thank you for sticking around to guide a stumbling sister. I hope I can do the same for you someday.