Starting Chemo April 2009

GERI - Congrats to you.  I'm rockin' the earring thing with a lot of makeup too.  If you look back a couple pages you can see a pic of me this week.  So happy for you to be done!!! PFC AAAHHH!! what a great feeling  ;o)!

ALAINA - Glad your arm is improving and on to RADS for you, hoping that they will be non-eventful!   UGH, glad you got the drains out, those are such a pain.  Your donation is so thoughtful and I'm sure that it will be soooo appreciated.

JUDY - How goes it today girlfriend??

BETSY - I'm so sorry about your discomfort:o(.  I hope you get your RADS issue resolved.   It is true about the hair changing daily, so glad you're getting more, that is the point here right? I still check the mirror about 20 times a day.  Going for another color tomorrow.  My goal is that sometime in the next month to just look like I cut it this short on purpose. LOL!!  Hang in there!

HELEN - Good luck with the work thing and your boss.  That Nordic Walking stuff sounds AWESOME!  Hears to a return to REAL life!! 

HEY TITAN - Where are you today, doing OK?

LENA - I'm still waiting for one of your posts.

HUGS to my favorite girls, Dawn

TITAN - I don't really know anything about Ocan Isle, we go to the Outer Banks.  OMG, if you come down I95 to NC and you have time I'll meet you for coffee, I live right off 95 in a DC suburb.  OH - you guys deserve a vacation.  I understand what you mean about the freaking out thing.  I don't know what to do with myself as I don't have any dr. appts and won't have any again til the end of October.  It's so weird.  I feel like a baby bird trying to fly (HAHA, I look like one too. LOL)  I'm so happy to be doing some normal stuff but it seems so weird.  Definitely head to the store and get those hoop earrings and you rock the topless and don't worry about your mom, you can always keep your top on around her.  HUGS to ya, Dawn

I told my doctor yesterday that I am just NOW coming to terms with the reality that I had cancer.  I think that may be true of some of you as well, writing about the 'freaking out but don't know why" feeling.  I said that from the moment we are diagnosed, we are immediately thrust into so much activity/planning/fighting that there really isnt' time to absorb the reality of the situation. Plus the chemo fog doesn't help either.

Now that chemo is over and rads is almost over, or surgery or whatever your tx was, it seems like maybe our emotions/cognition/digestion of the situation starts to sink in and catch up to us. I don't mean to be overly analytical/philosophical about this. But it seems to be a common thread, this undirected anxiety. Like the people who fall apart after the emergency has passed.

I know that for me, I am experiencing more sadness than I have at any point yet.  Not like I'm sad every minute or depressed, but sad ABOUT the bc.  Sad about my body, which is actually looking better and feeling better than after surgery or during chemo. It doesn't make SENSE but sometimes our emotional progress doesn't follow a predictable or sensible timeline.  I'm just trying to embrace myself and be gentle to myself with where I am right now, figuring as I process this, I will come through to the other side and on to better times.

I will tell you this - we had a septic/plumbing emergency yesterday that looked like it could be extremely costly and catastrophic. (Turned out not to be so bad, happily) But in the middle of it, I told my husband, "Hey we just beat cancer. This is a plumbling problem - we can handle it" and we worked it through without being upset. I was pretty impressed with that! So maybe that's a good change that's come out of this - not sweating the small stuff - and after cancer, isn't it ALL the small stuff???

Sorry to go on so long. Have a good weekend everyone. Give yourself a hug - you have earned it!!

Amy

I went to a yoga class today. I've lots my strength and flexibility and of course, putting on weight doesn't help......it was shocking to me how difficult it was (and a beginner type class too) considering my cardio is ok. There's still a long recovery ahead. I check my hair at least 20 times a day ... I'm 15 weeks PFC and all I have is a little peach fuzz......and the rest of my eyebrows fell out today!!!!!

Amy..what you said...it is exactly how I feel...after many months of doing what we HAVE to do...to all of a sudden..ok...treatment is over//or almost now.we have to get on with it..dealing with the emotion of it all, the physicality of it all..we may all look a little different than before..react to situation differently than before...I know I'm alot more kinder and understanding of things than I was before...the little things don't bother me as much..I used to be a clean freak...(There's that word again) but now I don't freak if there are some dirty clothes in the laundry..my washer and dryer are probalby breathing sighs of relief!  It is time to MOVE ON..but I'm not sure if we all know how! 

Dawn...I won 2 tickets to the Columbus Crew soccer game in Columbus, Ohio..why don't you bring your son over..we will pick up my son at school and take them to the game..You and I can go shopping in Columbus and find some earrings for me...lots of nice shopping in Columbus...maybe we can go topless!  That should freak our sons out!

Helen..your hair will happen!  My onc nurse said that once is breaks through it comes fast..and I'm finding that out...Are you taking biotin?  I'm also using aloe on my hair and using a shampoo/cream rinse for extremely damaged hair...not sure if it works but I'm 7 weeks PFC and half about 1/2 inch..good coverage too.

Judy..so glad you are feeling better.  you are such a good support for all of us here...give yourself back some of that support....

Have you guys noticed that people treat you better when they know you had BC..?  I don't like people to like "fawn" over me..I hate the people that say ohh..how are you doing?  But I do like the people that say..hey good to see you..you look great and give me hugs...

My DH and I tried to "run" today..we normally walk but I read that running was even better...(on the internet)..so here goes Mrs. gullible and her DH out for a run...in a couple of minutes my dh's back was hurting and my right knee was aching (it's been kinda sore for years..jumping off the bleachers a few years ago did it)...anyway...we must have looked like a couple of idiots with me limping and my dh bending over and holding his back...oh well..we tried..and we will keep trying..my dh thinks that I should stop reading all the "hocus pocus" on the internet.  I told him all these breast cancer people are out running and probably killing themselves from all this freaking exercise!

Hiya Sweeties,

I'm sorry I haven't been around, but I haven't been feeling that great. Actually, until yesterday, I was feeling pretty crappy. Those awful period type cramps lasted a whole week and a half solid -- neither Advil nor Tylenol Extra Strength made much of a dent in 'em, and then I remembered I had prescription pain pills left over from my breast biopsy so I started taking those. But even the codeine-tylenol pills didn't last the whole four hours -- if I had 3-4 pain free hours in any given day, that was a lot. Then they finally went away, at which point my oh-so-wonderful body :::dripping sarcasm here::: moves into what I call '"stomach attack." I don't know what it is, but when I first got it the doctor couldn't figure out what it was -- all scans were normal (my doc had sent me for a CT scan, an ultrasound, and some kind of full GI scan for which I was required to drink barium), and then it ended up going away on its own, so I stopped bothering going to the doctor for it (this is the third time I've had it including that first time in 2002). I still kind of have it, but it's finally just starting to abate as of yesterday. But while it was in full force, it was as bad as the period-type cramps. Between the cramps and the "stomach attack," I ended up spending a lot of the past couple weeks lying on the couch watching DVDs again and thinking, "hey, this is just like when I was doing my chemo!" Except it wasn't QUITE as bad as the chemo in the sense that when I ate, food tasted like food, and I didn't have the awful muscle fatigue when I got up, and even if I didn't feel well enough to write posts at any of my forums, I did visit and read (here, too), and was also reading a book (had to mostly give up reading books during chemo since I couldn't concentrate) and occasionally playing my simmies.

Alas, I still had some other stuff to do through all this, the most pertinent of which was taking my custom wig in to be cleaned last Saturday (while I was dying of cramps), then when I picked it up this Saturday (while enduring my "stomach attack"), decided to get it restyled slightly. Funny thing is, my real hair, although a bit longer than either of my wigs, did not get in my face like the custom wig did (my quickie synthetic wig also got in my face until I trimmed its bangs! LOL), so I decided to get bangs on my custom wig too (which was originally just a simple straight center part, the same "style" as my real hair). Muuuuch Better! Makes me think when my real hair grows back enough, I should think about bangs. I'll just have to remember to see my friend Kym often enough to get them trimmed!

Oh...errr...ummmm...about hair...TMI warning: does the hair "downstairs" ever grow back? I mean, I have the fuzzy mold growing on my head, eyebrows are now just starting to come back a little (albeit colorlessly thus far), and I also have tiny stubby eyelash beginnings, but I'm still like a 6-year-old girl "down there." Ick! Yeah, I know, some women actually LIKE that (to the point where they shave or wax to achieve it), but I'm NOT one of them. OK, it wasn't nearly as bad to lose "that" hair (or even the brows and lashes) as it was for me to lose the hair on my head (totally devastating), but I do want it back. Actually I'd rather "that" hair come back faster than the brows and lashes (I didn't give a hoot about those -- I wear glasses which mostly seems to hide them anyway) -- and it's not regrowing AT ALL! Not even peach fuzz! I'm able to tolerate the "downstairs" baldness a bit better than the bald and moldy head because clothing covers that up when I go out in public, whereas it's an extra special pain in the butt to have to put on and deal with a wig (which I wouldn't even own if not for chemo induced hair loss) just to pass for human. But I'm wondering for how long I'll have to tolerate this, too.

Hoping the oncologist will call me today (I left a message from him last week concerning the cramps and he never called me back!)...I left another message for him this morning, so I hope he calls me back this time. I want to know the results of the pelvic ultrasound, how it went with the tumor board with regards to my case, and if those cramps WERE a SE of Tamoxifen!

Now...time to check in....

Chelev -- Did you enjoy your trip to NYC? Did you go up by yourself, or did your husband go with you?

Betsy -- Ah yeah. The hot flashes. Yup, I'm still having those too. Yuck. Like you, my periods were messing up well prior to chemo (natural perimenopause, I'm in my 40s after all), and then I had chemopause. Dunno that my continued lack of periods (all I had was really bad cramps, no actual period, as in no bleeding of any kind) is Tamoxipause or not (my onc said it was possible my cycle could return, though my chemo nurse had said she thought it probably wouldn't) -- but I'm definitely with you: I do NOT miss the bleeding either! I'd be happy if I never got another actual period again. OMG, those rads sound awful! I hope I don't have to get rads! I am so sick of pain and not feeling good....

Titan -- Ooooooh, cheesecake! YUMMMMMMM! Yeah, eating cheesecake definitely qualifies as LIVING. ;-) Um, hey, is your son having fun misbehaving himself now that he's away at college? LOL And happy birthday, belated.

Dawn -- A Mac Plus?! Whoa! That's an old classic! It's also the first Mac I ever saw, got to use (at work: it belonged to them), and fell in love with (although I couldn't afford to buy a Mac of my own until almost 10 years later!). If your husband belongs, or ever belonged to any of the LEM (Low End Mac) email lists (since 2003), it's definitely possible we may know or have known each other (although I use a different screen name there than I do here). The LEM lists I'm on now: G-List, G-Books, Swap List, and the Powerbooks list. I used to be on the PCI List too. Ooooh, and about your pic -- you (like Chelev) also have a really pretty face and can pull off such ultra short hair. Lookin' good, girl! So that was taken when you were 9 weeks PFC huh? I'm now 9 weeks and 4 days PFC, and I don't have anywhere near the regrowth you do. I still look like I'm growing mold on my head. The top of my head has the most (but less than half of what you have), and the sides -- they're finally starting to "sporulate" (show color) but the growth itself seems sparse. So you can still call me Fuzzie the Moldie.

Alaina -- OUCH on the cording and those exercises! I hope you're feeling better soon. Oh, and I love BLTs too. On wheat toast with lotsa mayo!

JudyNaomi -- I'm glad your stomach is improving!

Geri -- Welcome to PFC! :-D

Whew, OK. Time to eat some breakfast, once I figure out if I want a cheese omelet or scrambled eggs and potatoes (again! another fetish!). Ooooh hey! I haven't had my "onion scrambled eggs" in ages! Maybe I'll have that! With rye toast!

Feel as good as you can everybody,

~Lena.

Chelev, I'm so pleased that the weekend went well. Despite the makeup (and I totally understand what you mean about the drag queen look) the rest of it sounded like a really exciting opportunity as well as a chance to see your sister. It will be a story that you can tell over and over. I'm 15 weeks PFC and my eyebrows are still coming out .. again....guess many of us experience this. At least you had them for the makeover. Do you have any pictures from the ball that you can share with us?

In the "pink world" there is no such thing as "normal" anymore. We refer to the collective activities of reclaiming our lives, ourselves, our time, our energy, and our bodies as "the new normal."

Nothing will ever be the same again.

When I'm home at night, without the prosthetic on, I sometimes "itch" and go to scratch a breast that is not there. Mostly this makes me laugh, but occasionally, I get a little wistful. I think my surgeon had it right when she said that I should wait to remove the other breast, if at all. The mere presence of one breast makes losing the other one a little less emotionally traumatic. It's my "security boob." LOL!!!

I'm still on track to have my radiation simulation on 10/5/09 and hopefully start rads on 10/12/09.

I still go to occupational therapy twice a week to have my left arm tortured, but it's working and my range of motion has vastly improved. I graduated to tossing-the-ball exercises today!

I found a way to arrange the pillows on my bed so that I can sleep on my stomach again (propping up the flat side). I sleep so much better now!

Lately I've found myself really craving crushed ice. So I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond and bought an ice-crushing machine. Got it home only to discover that it only crushes one ice cube at a time! If I can find my receipt, it's getting returned. I'm going to try the blender I got from for my birthday this past April. I think that might be too MUCH just to crush ice, but we'll see.

Fruit juice (especially Welch's Grape, or V8 Fusion Pomegranate Blueberry) over crushed ice is incredible! It's like a crunchy, juicy, icey, bowl of fruit! YUM!!!

My hair is starting to grow back in! It is fine, gray, downy hair right now, but it's coming in even and I'm excited to see what it will become! Right now, I'm doing a fine imitation of a baby goose (gosseling) LOL!!!

I've started a few more knitting/crocheting projects, and that has me happy. My October is shaping up to be a great month of craft projects, workshops, and other activities that make life more interesting in general. Activities that brought me happiness prior to cancer plus some rads and doc appointments tossed in must equal the "new normal."

I'll be back at work 3 days this week. Trying to ease myself back into the swing of things has been a bit more challenging than I expected.

I've started taking Viactiv (calcium & vitamin D) chews in a delicious chocolate flavor, Centrum Multivitamins (chewable), and will start on Biotin tablets soon to assist with the re-growth of my hair & nails. I take the diuretic and potassium as needed.

So that's all the news that fit to print from the last few weeks. Phase 3 is rapidly approaching and I'm ready!

Alaina

Hiya again everyone. Yeah, I'm back already. 

Chelev -- go to bed and get some SLEEP, woman! Sounds like you need it! Glad you survived the trip and made it home safe and sound, and that you got to enjoy some time with your sister.

Titan -- LOL, not embracing the "playboy bunny" look is not synonymous with prudehood. Given enough energy, I'm emphatically wild (with my Pack Rat) and proud of it. It's just that my wildness doesn't include trying to look or act like a playboy bunny. (Maybe because I don't consider it sexy to make a total ass of myself! LOL) -- I just don't like the 6-year-old girl business downstairs is all, even though the only ones who'll ever see it are me and my Pack Rat...and oh yeah, I almost forgot. Medical personnel....Like the med tech who performed my pelvic ultrasounds (oh, have you or anyone else in here had those? I'll tell the story momentarily, it was too funny!)...I was kind of embarrassed when I showed up for that, and was so relieved the tech was a woman. I never cared before, I never got embarrassed about showing any part of my body to a doctor, nurse or med tech, regardless of their gender, prior to this being bald downstairs thing. That was really weird.

Oh, and there won't  pictures of my moldy head taken, ever. I never liked having my picture taken when I liked how I looked, and since my pre-chemo short haircut I've refused to even open my apt door without a wig on -- so there is no chance in hell I'd let anyone near me with a camera with this mold head of mine!

Woo-hoo, OK, and speaking of the pelvic ultrasound, etc., it's confirmed. I've got several "medium sized" fibroids in my uterus. My onc returned my call today and said that was the result of the pelvic ultrasounds. Nothing to worry about, he says, just good to know and something to keep an eye on. He didn't know if those bad cramps with no period were related to the fibroids or the Tamoxifen, though.

And now for the funny story of my pelvic ultrasounds. I had two types -- trans-abdominal and trans-vaginal. For the trans-abdominal, your bladder has to be full -- VERY full, so I was told to drink a lot of water between 1-2 hours before the procedure. Since my appointment was for 2:30, I started drinking a lot of water at 12:30 or so. By 1 PM I had to go "pretty bad," but held it not knowing exactly how full my bladder had to be. I kept drinking more water, and by 1:30 was fit to bust! I decided to stop drinking water at that point, but  I was sure I was going to burst and ride in on a tsunami into the hospital's Women's Imaging Center. I couldn' t sit still in the waiting room seat, I was squirming like crazy. Finally, one of the women at the reception desk came up to me with a cup, handed me the cup and said she saw I was going to burst, and says "You can fill his cup about half way, there'll still be enough for the test, and directed me to the bathroom. Ahhhh, SOME relief! Well it happens that I'd filled my bladder just perfect for the test, and it went mostly well, except when the insruments came into occasional contact with my bladder, which made it a major chllenge not to pee all over the examining table! When this part of he testing was over, I was  told to go fully empty my bladder  in preparation for the trans-vaginal ultrasound. Lemme tell you ladies -- no pee EVER felt THAT good!

So my bladder is empty, I lie back down on the table and the technician shows me the instrument to be used for the trans-vaginal ultrsound --it looks like a....well, a dildo! So I started calling it the dildo-cam, and, it even wore a condom! and kind of felt like a (narrowly endowed) male in there! Funnier when she asked ME to insert it! ROFL!

Soon as I got home from that, I called my Pack Rat and said to him, he has to develop some kind of computerized/electronic interface to work on his "parts," so that if I ever need a transvaginal ultrasound again, HE can be the "dildo cam."

Well, WE thought it was funny as hell anyway. :-D

Alaina -I can't believe they make an ice crusher that only does one cube at a time. Who would ever want that?  The blender will work better for sure.

I am trying to post a pic of my hair. I am 9 weeks PFC and it is really coming in. More salt than pepper but I'm not complaning. Have been going 'topless' a few times and am getting used to it. Still cold at night though. I sleep with my entire head under the covers!

And another thing...Alaina..what is with the crushed ice!  You are going through some kind of weird craving, girl....I can just see you at the store...what!  One freaking ice cube!  We have to laugh or we would cry

Hugs to you all!

Helen..I showed my bump/lump to 2 nurses and one doctor...none of them told me go to the GP or the family doctor...I wouldn't worry too much..I did my usual search of the internet and couldn't find a thing...but...I'm definitely going to keep any eye on it...if it is not gone in a couple of weeks I will be on the phone!

I have heard that craving crushed ice is also a sign of PREGNANCY! 

 OMG - You guys have been busy, I've gotta get caught up here.

LENA - Sooooooo happy to see your posts, you had me worried for a few days, love that your back.  FYI, I'm 10wks PFC and have plenty of hair down there already, my underarms too, UGH, I thought I might not have to shave for a while but no luck there.  I'm cracking up reading your posts about the ultrasound, hmmmmm.... I could never do that, I have the smallest bladder on the face of the earth, my family can vouch for that, I'm always heading to pee!  Maybe your pack rat is on to a new invention there LOL!  I do hope you're feeling better.

CHELEV - WOOHOO on the makeover, I really do think some of those makeup artists are overrated and what the heck are they thinkin' sometimes???  Did I miss you on the TODAY show, OH SHOOOOT!  Saw your pic on the hair thread, you look awesome, so happy for you.

AMY - How are ya, I can't wait to see that pic of you.  Posting it - that was an issue for me.  My hubby had to help me.  I think I'm a 1st grader when it comes to some of this computer stuff.

HELEN - How are you?  UGH, I hate that you have something else to worry about.  Drs. don't seem to be too concerned, hard for us not to worry until we get some confirmation after all we've been through.

TITAN - You know I'm there girl for that invitation to shop! wouldn't that be FUN.  Did you find those BIG hooooops yet, I want a pic when you get them on!  All of us "freaker outers" need to unite, don't feel alone honey, we're right there with ya.  I hope I don't start craving ice LOL!, are you sure about this?  Did I miss your birthday UGH, what am I thinking.  HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, if I didn't miss it then, just keep that wish til next year!

ALAINA - LOL,LOL,LOL;o), Pregnant??? I am rolling on the floor right now!  Back to normal for you every day I hope!  Lay off the ice would ya!

JUDY - How's that hair coming along these days??? 

BETSY - How are you feeling?  Where do things stand with your sister???

OK, gotta tell you my awesome story: Yesterday (I live outside Wash. DC) I went to a bc luncheon at Redskins park, only 20 women.  Players were there, owner's wife, coach's wife, got a tour of the whole place, lots of pics, and autographed game ball for my son.  A Redskins jersey with pink #'s and on Sunday, have 2 tickets to the game.  That's the bc awareness game for the NFL here.  I get to go down on the field with 19 other women wearing our jerseys and welcome the players on to the field.  My son is going to go with me, he has been a special part of my recovery.  I'm so excited.  The GAP also gave us a new pair of jeans, a jewelry store donated pearl and gold earrings as well as a $100gc to their store.  Got a baseball had with Redskins on it.  I was talking a mile a minute when I got out of there and told my hubby about it.  Soooo, if any of you are able to watch the Skins game on Sunday, look for me!!  LOL, I can't believe how lucky I was to be a part of that.

I guess I better shut up now, my post is going to rival Lena's novels.  Love to ya all!  HUGS, Dawn

YES YES YES!  Sorry..gott a little carried away there..with all the talk of dildos and crunchy ice cubes..well...man..here comes a hot flash!  HEE!  Where is my DH anyway??  Oh yeah.laying on the sofa reading the newspaper..anyway!  We are going away fpr 5 FREAKING days on vacation..I can hardly wait..!!!  No kids..just us....some wine, the beach, hopefully a little sunshine (gotta get that Vit. D!)...shopping, eating, more wine...fun times.

Helen..tell me more about your bump/lump on your forearm..I have searched the internet for HOURS and haven't found a thing that sounds remotely serious...my bump/lump is very tiny, on my forearm...my onc doesn't seem to think it is anything but I'm keeping an eye on it..I think it is a nerve...like we breast cancer people don't have enough of those...wouldn't worry too much about it..too soon after chemo to freak..if I would be in my breast or under my arm or where any lymph nodes are I would probably freak..but I honestly think that neither one of us have anything to worry about...

Bone pain..not much...I honestly feel terrific..My dh and I started running..along with walking and I may be al little sore from that but basically OK...it feels good to feel it because it is natural..from exercising..not from some stupid drug causing it...

Alaina...are you SURE?   If this is the second immaculate conception then darn it..we heard it HERE on bco..first...!

Dawn..have FUN at the football game...if the Skins are on here in Ohio I will look for you!  Anything is better than watching our fumbling, bumbling Cleveland Browns!

 I will post a picture of my hair when 1)..my kids come home from school and tell me how to do it...!
Diagnosis: 3/18/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 3, 0/5 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2-