Starting Chemo May 2008

I had my "big squish" today (mammogram on my right side). I told the tech about the little lump I had found, and she could feel it, too. She marked it with one of those rad markers, but said it was so low (right above the breast "fold") that it probably wouldn't be picked up with a mammogram.  Anyway, she said, we'll do an ultrasound right after we're finished with the mammogram. I thought they might want to do US, but didn't expect it to be the same day.  Yes, she said--US is automatic, if there is a palpable lump.

So, half an hour later I was getting the US and the tech (same tech) was showing me what the lump looked like on the US screen.  "No problem," she said--"this looks like normal breast tissue."  "Of course..." (the disclaimer) "the radiologist will come in and take a look and give you the official report."

The radiologist said the same thing--what I was feeling was just a bump where the glandular tissue was a little closer to the skin (or the fat wasn't quite as thick?).  She took some pictures and sent them to a viewing room for a "conference" (the head guy in the mammography section was working that day, too).  A nurse gave me a copy of the official report about half an hour later, and all is well.  They didn't even make me feel guilty for being so worried about that lump. In fact, they said if I ever felt anything else that concerned me, to call right away and they would do another US (and mammogram if it was > 6 months from now).

I also saw my BS this afternoon, right after the squishing and sliding. (That's how they do it--the nurses at the breast health center schedule the mammogram and the BS recheck back-to-back.)  I asked my BS how long I would be able to see her for annual breast exams and have my mammograms there, rather than going back to the local OB/GYN clinic in my town. She said basically as long as I want.  She said she will continue to see me once a year for a recheck at the time of my mammogram, for the first 5 years after my surgery. After that, she said, I might be switched over to their "survivors' clinic".  That's something new--I really don't know anything about it. But I've read that oncos are trying to do more to help us during the post-treatment period and through the long term.

Then dh took me out to dinner on the way home.  Yes, today was a good day.

otter 

eddie. Oh, eddie.  You are making me laugh in the middle of an argument with dh. Is that a good thing?  I hope so.

He is mad at me because he was fast-forwarding through the commercials with the DVR button and I thought he missed some of the movie we were watching.  So, I gestured (nicely I thought) to back up...  back up.  He did not like being told how to use the DVR button any more than I appreciated him taking over the picture-hanging from me yesterday because he thought I was being too picky.  Now our pictures are crooked. 

But you have me thinking I'll toss my foob at someone the next time they aren't paying attention.

Hugs and love to all...

otter 

I skimmed quickly through everything.

Wanted to pause to say:

1) sorry I have fallen out of touch

2) i love you. love every one of you, every scarred, cramping, healing, flashing, going too hard, laughing and loving inch of every one of you.

3) my left breast (the one with the cansuh!) is twice the size of my right one and feels completely different.i'm getting used to it, i guess.  (and yes, my legs cramp. and i get these electric shocks in my thighs and in the bottoms of my feet. and then there was yesterday's blurry vision scare.... tamoxifen is a gift that keeps on giving....)

4) we will see just how differently it feels to someone other than myself because my crush -- the one who hurt my feelings quite a bit a few months ago-- told me about ten days ago that he thinks he is falling in love with me.  which is nice.  kids, i have not held hands this much since I was 17, and i must say, it still has a lot to recommend it.  I wish I could tell Randie.

 5)  off to a prison.  things have been going well here, but very intense. 

6) love you all. i do. i think of you, talk about you.  i will try to do a better job of staying in touch. 

Jean - Why the heck not??  I have furlough days...Should we all bombard her or have a designee?

Happy Wednesday, ladies!  Otter - hope I'm not too late to add my thumbs up to "just a lump".  It still sounds funny.  I'll never think of a lump as "just a lump" again.

It is nice just to read about anything.  Everyone is amazing and your regular stuff is interesting.  I think about everyone every day and I love you all, too.

Rock - we always like to hear about young love.  Enjoy the sweet moments and hand holding and star gazing.

We had a nice weekend.  We went to the Relay for Life (see photos on FB).  It was nice.  My girls are so sweet.  I thought I wouldn't be so emotional this time around, but ...  still lots of tears, especially in the survivor lap and during the luminaria ceremony.  The local group raised $73,000 this year.  We bought things, ate things, had a really good time.  Katie stayed all night and they walked laps until about 2:00 a.m. and Riley still gave up her birthday party invitation (she did go later) to walk the survivor lap.  Still makes me think I need to be doing something else with my life.  I just don't know what.

The oboe arrived yesterday, but she is only allowed to play the reed so far.  I still have time to get some ear plugs.  We have a progressive dinner for piano tomorrow night and that sounds interesting.  We start out at an adult living facility for the salad and the kids play several songs.  We will go somewhere else for the main course with more songs and to another house for dessert and more songs.  I am making a pineapple sheet cake which sounds yummy right now.

Also deep into girl scout registrations.  It's almost cookie season so it is crazy right now.

Jean - go for it.  I love Ellen.

I hope everyone has a happy week!

Hugs to all - Julie

Hang on while I go look that one up......

Okay, I'm back. 

http://www.cancer.gov/Templates/drugdictionary.aspx?CdrID=453548 

neratinib

"An orally available, 6,7-disubstituted-4-anilinoquinoline-3-carbonitrile irreversible inhibitor of the HER-2 receptor tyrosine kinase with potential antineoplastic activity. Neratinib binds to the HER-2 receptor irreversibly, thereby reducing autophosphorulation in cells, apparently by targeting a cysteine residue in the ATP-binding pocket of the receptor. Treatment of cells with this agent results in inhibition of downstream signal transduction events and cell cycle regulatory pathways; arrest at the G1-S (Gap 1/DNA synthesis)-phase transition of the cell division cycle; and ultimately decreased cellular proliferation. Neratinib also inhibits the epidermal growth factor receptor (EGFR) kinase and the proliferation of EGFR-dependent cells."

Yeah.  That.

Seriously, Kristy, I'm glad you can participate in something like this. I enrolled in one simple study and declined two others.  I wish I could have done more. 

otter 

Funny you say that about flashng the foob eddie. I threated to do the same at a concert this summer. Most girls can throw their panties on stage or flash boobs... but how many can actually toss a boob on stage???? I'm special LOL

I hate to be the downer to our party, but I have to ask you all to please pray for my roommate from graduate school and her mom who was just diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  They lost her brother almost one year ago to cancer that had spread rapidly and was not found until too late.  She and I roomed together for 31/2 years and went through much.  They are trying to make treatment decisions this week.  This was the last straw for me on top of an already stressful day (I have one word - neighbors!  Will post more on that later but get your shovels ready). 

Oh, cansuh!  I am so embarrassed.  I didn't get it!  I guess that's the Southern pronunciation of the word, like "verandah"?  Kerry, thanks for the translation!  Don't tell rock, but I'm a bit worried about the surgery boob that's twice as big as the non-surgery side.  That just ain't right...  Is anyone thinking "breast/truncal lymphedema"?  I hate to even say that.

Cristine...  that is so sad about your roomie's mom. There are two types of cancer that I absolutely dread, beyond all others.  Well, and maybe a third -- more about that one in a minute.  Ovarian cancer and pancreatic cancer are absolutely hateful diseases.  No meaningful warning signs.  No realistic way to prevent them from occurring.  Just, suddenly, they're there.  Oh, hon (I hope you don't mind if I say "hon"--it's a Southern term of endearment) ... hugs to you and your roomie and her mom. 

Neighbors.  We don't have any.  Well, we do, but they're half a mile away; and we leave each other alone. It is nice to have good neighbors, but ... what was that saying, about fences?

I nearly forgot:  the other (third) type of cancer I dread is a brain tumor.  No matter what type it is -- the fast-growing Teddy Kennedy type; or the type my MIL had, which was non-malignant and operable, never to return; or my dad's father's brain tumor, which the docs decided was an inoperable met from lung cancer they never found -- scary stuff.  Yet, that's what some of our sisters on these BCO boards are dealing with.  Just how do they do it?

<sigh>

Hugs to all, with special ones going to Cristine right now.

otter 

I was in Walgreen's today for my flu shot and they had a display with pink-for-BC merchandise.  I updated rock's Pepto Bismol thread on the "Moving Beyond" forum with some pics.

Love!

otter 

I love you all, so very much!

The pink campaign has started and I will say...I feel different this year.  If its pink, I'm buying the sucker.  I just am.  My DH, bless his loving soul, spots a pink display with an eagle eye.  I am not kidding you.  We have chips, we have chocolate, I have a lovely pink notebook, pink pens.  Oh my goodness.  I love my man.

 Rock....I love ... love.  I am a hand holder.  I see hand holders and oooh and ahhh.  Especially older hand holders (of which I AM NOT!)  lol  Not enough lovers hold hands today.  They just don't.  Lovers don't do things together...I just don't get it.  Maybe its me...but we do everything together.  Even groceries.  Ok...maybe we overdo it, but I like it this way and so does he.  We've each lost enough that we value such minor things.  Enough of that...........I find myself saying....BE YOU.  BE YOU.  BE YOU.  That tortured, angry person he saw.....well its part of you.  BE YOU.  Hold hands, snuggle, catch a kiss, look in each others eyes...BE YOU.  You are ROCK and you are PROUD and you are a STRONG, OPINIONATED and ANGRY.  You are also LOVING, ADVENTUROUS, SYMPATHETIC, APATHETIC, WARM, COLD, HOT, HOT, COLD, oh damn HOT again .  You have a LOVEof LIFE, you have a love for the RIGHT in life.   You are AMAZING!

Peace out.

P.S. - I'll personally kick his ass if he hurts you again.

Adrienne. what YOU said!! Christine, the neighbor thing is just s-o-o-o-o-o big, isn't it? I think it's the reason why Modern Folk don't even make contact..it can just blow up in your face. My guess re the police report is that 'unfounded' means 'There was no foundation for the complaint.' It is just all complete shite, this stuff. You should buy a fecking pink pen (no! I don't feel differently about the pink shite) and go over to her place, poke her sharply in the eye with it, and shout, "DON'T YOU FECKING KNOW I"VE HAD CANSUH????" That will do the trick. oh boy I hate these types..the people who can find no trouble so they start some. Well! You have all of us on YOUR side of the fence. With shovels. Pink ones! XX

1.  My onco saw the breast in August. Said it was (prob permanent) swelling from the radiation.  It kind of hurts sometimes under my arm, but I wonder if that is due to the nerves growing back. 

2.  Cris. OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.  Okay, your neighbor is a paranoid nutball. That is hardly reassuring. Anything you say or do is not likely to make her less of a paranoid nutball.  So basically, all you can do is . . . seek harmless forms of revenge that will make YOU feel better and keep YOU from coming undone.  Strange as this sounds, I had (still have, actually) a colleague of 14 years who HATES MY GUTS. She succeeded in making my life really unpleasant the first few years (I could barely speak in a faculty meeting without breaking into a sweat and stammering).  Then I thought "Feck it."  I decided to launch a campaign to really get under her skin without diminishing me.  My main form of revenge was greeting her cheerfully every time I saw her.  "Hey, Betsy! How was your weekend!" She would grunt and glare, and I would carry on down the hallway.  I was always tempted to add "Have a nice day!" or "Jesus loves you!" -- she's Jewish -- but that was farther than I -- a non-believer -- was willing to go.  The more cheerful I was, the more noticeably unbalanced she became.)  You have children so you are at an advantage. There is no end to the things you can do to irritate her, e.g., have the kids wave cheerfully and enthusiastically everytime you pull out of the driveway, "Bye Mrs. Crabcake! [use her real name]  Have a nice day! Jesus loves you!"  Your children should skip a lot! They should toot party horns wherever they go!  Your happiness and good humour is the best revenge. You can develop a family song and have them sing it!  And then, after night falls, you move to Plan B... More on that later. But you can start rotting the fish and the eggs now...  Sorry you're having to deal with this.  Really. It can really get under one's skin.

3.   Adrienne: I am going to print out your post and cart it around with me.  It's just one of those things that I need to commit to memory, you know?  (Especially the "I'll personally kick his ass" part.) So far, the last few weeks have been really nice. I think we are treating each other very carefully, remembering maybe how painful it was to have our feelings hurt so bad (however accidentally). 

I would really like it if you people would hold hands with someone a little bit today, and maybe wish me luck while you do so.   (Two times, I have spent him an SMS and he has joined me -- including at a performance of a transgendered performance artist/drag queen -- so he could meet my girlfriends.That's a good sign, right?)

aaaack!  We were halfway down the 2nd page. I hope that means everyone is having a great weekend!

Hugs and love... 

otter