am i alone here??

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  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited September 2009

    Whether or not I will ever want to date again is a big question for me and one that I don't want to deal with at this stage. I'm 3 months PFC and still have no real hair.....a touch of peach fuzz only and there is no way, even if I was inclined, that I would want to be meeting men while I have no hair. ....and there's also the issue of no breasts .... for me I didn't want to do the mx.....last time I refused and did lumpectomy.....if I hadn't have been pressured by docs, friends and family I still probably would not have done it. But I'm BRCA2+ and knew that it would be only a matter of time until bc #3 hit....so I had no choice. Reconstruction will never give me back my breasts but at least I'll have the appearance of looking normal but I'm in healing mode from rads and so won't be able to have the surgery until next summer most likely. I know there are some of you who feel that we are not defined by our breasts and I understand that ... but for me this has been a terrible, terrible loss......so I'm now still bald, still overweight from chemo, no boobs and have been betrayed in a personal way by someone I trusted and cared about. And while I cherish every one of you and appreciate all the support and encouragement that I get here, there is still a big gaping hole in my soul that just can't be fixed right now. I hope that LittleRed is right and that at some point in the future, life will look hopeful again. I have my best times playing with my grandchildren who are 2 & 4 .... and those are joyful moments for me.

  • LittleRed
    LittleRed Member Posts: 223
    edited September 2009

    Dear lovemyfamilysomuch:

    Thank you.  It helps being able to come here to walk with all of you.

  • LittleRed
    LittleRed Member Posts: 223
    edited September 2009

    Dear hrf:

    I don't want to be alone.  You said you don't want to be alone.  Then we shouldn't be.  Or at least we should try our best not to be if it's that important to our happiness.

    But I meant what I said about my having a built in 'time out' to heal.  Clearly some women do feel comfortable dating through recovery.  Some don't, and some just wouldn't have the energy to give to it.  I'm in the "I'm not comfortable yet" bucket.  Right now I feel like I'm gonna need a little hair.  I'm gonna need to get past radiation.  I think I'm gonna need the reconstruction. I'm gonna need to get over the guy. That's what I need.  Unfortunately, none of this is going to happen overnight.

    Because I feel need to do these things first, my 'time out' will give me some time 'alone' to change my focus:  to me and my son, my job, my home, my family, my friends, and the things I like to do.  And I need the time to heal from the relationship or I won't be good with any man. 

    But I also know, thankfully, the 'time out', no matter that it looks long, has a beginning, a middle, and an end.

    During the 'time out' I can look forward to the hair, to getting the radiation done and over with.  I can look forward to the reconstruction.  I will have had time to heal.  I know I will feel better about my appearance, my relationships with family and friends will have gotten more attention, and I will have had time to distance myself from a loss.  No, in the end I won't have a 'real' breast.  But I think I'm going to like the new one.  It will be healthy.  I'll have earned it.  It will give me my figure back.  I hope I am stronger and have better perspective.  (Hell, I'll have had that much more time on my anti-depressant meds, too!) 

    At some point I will make myself step out and take the risk - date.  But if I can be tough enough to get through this, I can be tough enough to take the risk dating.

    In the mean time, I'm picking out a new hair cut - maybe color.  Yeah, it will be short.  I'm thinking of going blonde...(?)  I've got time to decide...silly, but I need to do that to make myself look forward to the possibilities...

    Hang in there.  Enjoy your grandchildren and the others things that make you smile - one day at a time.

  • LittleRed
    LittleRed Member Posts: 223
    edited October 2009

    So ladies - I thought I would fly this one by you. 

    I was out with a friend this weekend and we ran into a fellow I've known casually for several years.  My mom and I met him through his work.  He knew I had breast cancer, because my mom had mentioned it some time over the summer.  I haven't seen him in probably a year.  Long and short of it, he asked me out to dinner. (?)  He knows I have no hair, and I assume can guess my boob/s are in some state of 'not your average rack'  But he asked me to dinner anyway.  (My mom always said she thought he had a 'crush' on me.  I never put too much thought into that.)

    I said yes because I have aways enjoyed our conversations.  I also said yes because my ego and self-esteem needs the stroking.  I said yes because I need to get out and start living.  The timing feels really awkward, however.  No hair, doing rads, not finished with reconstruction...still in mourning over my breakup...

    Anyway, I'll let you know if he calls and actually goes through with it.  Who knew...?  This is definitely one of those 'when you least expect it' things.  My expectations are low - but just being asked and getting out for some good conversation and sushi - that would be a boost if it happens...

  • firstmate
    firstmate Member Posts: 410
    edited October 2009

    Lil Red -- Go out and have a good time.  If it turns into something more, wonderful!  If not, that is OK too.  Just enjoy the dinner, don't expect too much, and just enjoy the moment!

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited October 2009
    LittleRed.....what a great ego boost!!!! I hope you hear from him and that you go out and have a wonderful time. And please do keep us posted. Cool
  • Julia257
    Julia257 Member Posts: 284
    edited April 2010

    Good Morning Ladies, I'm new in this string and have been enjoying your conversations and beautiful words of support.  I too would love to know how LittleRed made out on her date.  I'm wondering if anyone would care to kindly offer me a word of support.  Not feeling great, physically and emotionally, in the middle of chemo, totally alone on my birthday and I'm ashamed to say, feeling sorry for myself.  Wishing all of you a speedy and complete recovery.  Thanks, Julia

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited April 2010

    Julia, your feelings are totally normal. I'm finished chemo and am still struggling physically and emotionally. For me this is a second time so I am finding it more difficult. Following my first time, I did recover on all fronts and was having fun. Best wishes.

  • TexasRedC
    TexasRedC Member Posts: 2
    edited April 2010
    I want you all to know that the lady riders of Women Who Ride (motorcycles) are riding for breast cancer funding in July 2010. It's called the Conga Ride for Breast Cancer. You have more support than you probably realize. There's a gal on Vancouver Island who started this ride three years ago. Last year we raised $12,000. We pay our own road expenses so that EVERY dime goes to the cause. Just wanted you to know we ride for you, your family, and everyone affected by this diagnosis. If you happen to see a bikes on the road in July with lots of pink on them, please give us a wave or if you can tell us your story. Find us at http://gowitheflo.org
  • Julia257
    Julia257 Member Posts: 284
    edited April 2010

    Thank you, hrf and TexasRedC, your kindness is very much appreciated.

    Best wishes to you Smile

  • Sunny123
    Sunny123 Member Posts: 17
    edited September 2010

    Hi,  I don't see much recent activity here but wanted to introduce myself as newly diagnosed and single.  Anyone else out there?

  • changes
    changes Member Posts: 622
    edited September 2010

    Hi Sunny,

    I just noticed this thread. I am single, too. I've always considered myself to be very independent, but I found it difficult to go through all this without someone. I had some friends be very supportive, but it's not quite the same as a boyfriend/spouse. I'd love to start dating again, but just don't feel up to it right now.

    I was diagnosed in May. I'm through with "active" treatment, except for Tamoxifen.

    I'm sorry to hear you were just diagnosed. Do you have a treatment plan yet?

    Best wishes,

    Karen

  • Sunny123
    Sunny123 Member Posts: 17
    edited September 2010

    Hi Karenlen,

    Thanks for your reply .  So far I'm doing okay and like you I think I'm pretty independent, but I can't help to think a nice snuggle at bedtime would be nice!  I start chemo on Thursday AC every 2 weeks X 4 then T every 2 weeks X 4  then surgury then rads.  How did you feel at the beginning of chemo, where you able to work through itÉ  (sorry my keyboard is doing some messed up characters).  I think not knowing how it is going to be is whats freaking me out the most.

  • changes
    changes Member Posts: 622
    edited September 2010

    Hi Sunny,

    I did not have to have chemo (low oncotype score). You may want to join the September 2010 chemo thread. It really helps to have a group of women who are going through it with you (I did one for radiation and it was a lifesaver). Take help from wherever it is offered. I did not much like having other people help me, but my coworkers pitched in for a maid service for a couple times and it was very helpful (people also brought by food). There will be LOTS of good advice on the chemo boards. I think when you're single it requires a bit more planning than if you have a boyfriend/spouse. I had a friend come into town right before my surgery and he helped me do a LARGE grocery trip, helped get things ready around the house, etc. Sorry, don't know why I'm suddenly typing in italics!

    Wishing you the best as you go through this,

    Karen

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