am i alone here??

Whether or not I will ever want to date again is a big question for me and one that I don't want to deal with at this stage. I'm 3 months PFC and still have no real hair.....a touch of peach fuzz only and there is no way, even if I was inclined, that I would want to be meeting men while I have no hair. ....and there's also the issue of no breasts .... for me I didn't want to do the mx.....last time I refused and did lumpectomy.....if I hadn't have been pressured by docs, friends and family I still probably would not have done it. But I'm BRCA2+ and knew that it would be only a matter of time until bc #3 hit....so I had no choice. Reconstruction will never give me back my breasts but at least I'll have the appearance of looking normal but I'm in healing mode from rads and so won't be able to have the surgery until next summer most likely. I know there are some of you who feel that we are not defined by our breasts and I understand that ... but for me this has been a terrible, terrible loss......so I'm now still bald, still overweight from chemo, no boobs and have been betrayed in a personal way by someone I trusted and cared about. And while I cherish every one of you and appreciate all the support and encouragement that I get here, there is still a big gaping hole in my soul that just can't be fixed right now. I hope that LittleRed is right and that at some point in the future, life will look hopeful again. I have my best times playing with my grandchildren who are 2 & 4 .... and those are joyful moments for me.

Dear hrf:

I don't want to be alone.  You said you don't want to be alone.  Then we shouldn't be.  Or at least we should try our best not to be if it's that important to our happiness.

But I meant what I said about my having a built in 'time out' to heal.  Clearly some women do feel comfortable dating through recovery.  Some don't, and some just wouldn't have the energy to give to it.  I'm in the "I'm not comfortable yet" bucket.  Right now I feel like I'm gonna need a little hair.  I'm gonna need to get past radiation.  I think I'm gonna need the reconstruction. I'm gonna need to get over the guy. That's what I need.  Unfortunately, none of this is going to happen overnight.

Because I feel need to do these things first, my 'time out' will give me some time 'alone' to change my focus:  to me and my son, my job, my home, my family, my friends, and the things I like to do.  And I need the time to heal from the relationship or I won't be good with any man. 

But I also know, thankfully, the 'time out', no matter that it looks long, has a beginning, a middle, and an end.

During the 'time out' I can look forward to the hair, to getting the radiation done and over with.  I can look forward to the reconstruction.  I will have had time to heal.  I know I will feel better about my appearance, my relationships with family and friends will have gotten more attention, and I will have had time to distance myself from a loss.  No, in the end I won't have a 'real' breast.  But I think I'm going to like the new one.  It will be healthy.  I'll have earned it.  It will give me my figure back.  I hope I am stronger and have better perspective.  (Hell, I'll have had that much more time on my anti-depressant meds, too!) 

At some point I will make myself step out and take the risk - date.  But if I can be tough enough to get through this, I can be tough enough to take the risk dating.

In the mean time, I'm picking out a new hair cut - maybe color.  Yeah, it will be short.  I'm thinking of going blonde...(?)  I've got time to decide...silly, but I need to do that to make myself look forward to the possibilities...

Hang in there.  Enjoy your grandchildren and the others things that make you smile - one day at a time.

Lil Red -- Go out and have a good time.  If it turns into something more, wonderful!  If not, that is OK too.  Just enjoy the dinner, don't expect too much, and just enjoy the moment!

Good Morning Ladies, I'm new in this string and have been enjoying your conversations and beautiful words of support.  I too would love to know how LittleRed made out on her date.  I'm wondering if anyone would care to kindly offer me a word of support.  Not feeling great, physically and emotionally, in the middle of chemo, totally alone on my birthday and I'm ashamed to say, feeling sorry for myself.  Wishing all of you a speedy and complete recovery.  Thanks, Julia

I want you all to know that the lady riders of Women Who Ride (motorcycles) are riding for breast cancer funding in July 2010. It's called the Conga Ride for Breast Cancer. You have more support than you probably realize. There's a gal on Vancouver Island who started this ride three years ago. Last year we raised $12,000. We pay our own road expenses so that EVERY dime goes to the cause. Just wanted you to know we ride for you, your family, and everyone affected by this diagnosis. If you happen to see a bikes on the road in July with lots of pink on them, please give us a wave or if you can tell us your story. Find us at http://gowitheflo.org

Hi,  I don't see much recent activity here but wanted to introduce myself as newly diagnosed and single.  Anyone else out there?

Hi Karenlen,

Thanks for your reply .  So far I'm doing okay and like you I think I'm pretty independent, but I can't help to think a nice snuggle at bedtime would be nice!  I start chemo on Thursday AC every 2 weeks X 4 then T every 2 weeks X 4  then surgury then rads.  How did you feel at the beginning of chemo, where you able to work through itÉ  (sorry my keyboard is doing some messed up characters).  I think not knowing how it is going to be is whats freaking me out the most.