am i alone here??

principessa

i am new here, but it looks like no news since October, have you all run off to get married- fallen madly in love, are you all living happily ever after?  Should i be happy not to see any 'action' in this area? 

well, if you are there.... i am here dx in october, ILC stage III.  I am 31.  No kids and no husband to 'worry about'.  I am just looking to for wisdom- jokes- something from someone who is 'just like me'.  (because a lot of people, NOT like me, seem to have a lot of advice.) (And I am REAL sick of people assuming b/c I'm young 'THEY caught it early.' 

(OK, i'm not really an angry person- I promise. )

a

Jaybird627

I'm still here having my oh-so-casual sex with a few different men.  Not many would 'approve' of what I do but I don't want a relationship so I see who I see whenever it's convenient.

I have to say, though, that lately my libido has been better. Could be because of all the supplements I take, including Chinese herbs. If I didn't have babysitter issues I'd be out on dates all the time!

I did just tonight purchase a SaSi vibrator from babes in toyland. I've been eyeing it for some time now and decided to get it as there was a special package offered. I'll report back after I get it.

No advice other than to go out and get it if you want it!

lovnaz

Hi A,

Your niot alone. I've seen this area and not much action...everything was pretty old, so I am way happy that you started a new forum.

I am in my 40's, singla and a mom (with kids that would rather pretend I am never sick and super woman).

I completely understand how it feels to have all those ppl give great advice for something they haven't dealt with. I am in the same boat right now. My mom had breast cancer a few months before I found out, but is married to a GREAT man. She doesn't understand what I am feeling at all. It's hard to be single and deal with all of this.

My favorite (bsides the "they caught it early") is when I complain about how I look now...at least you beat the cancer and are here to be with us. Not that I am unhappy that I get to hang out here longer, but I still can be angry every now and then about a body that doesn't look like it did.

31 is young....and that totally sux. How are things going medically so far?

casseddy

hi A.

Looks like we are in the same boat.  Stage 3a also..I'm a bit older than you..but I am not married, have no kids,,and I am just getting my sex drive back...but thats bcause have not been on tamoxifen.  However..I just started again..which really sucks...I feel afraid not to take it..which is what i was doing...sans tamoxifen...But now since I just started,,so hopefully my sex drive will remain in overdrive...and I agree with Jaybird...go out and get it dammit!!

principessa

good to know i'm not soo alone. 

I haven't REALLY started my treatment.  I had the nodes removed and told my doc i wanted to wait to start chemo.  I take herbs to, the chinese kind and considering others when i start chemo.....  So, my body and drive is the same as it has been- minus the scar and harry armpit i am scared to shave. 

I am hoping that between now and december they find a cure... I guess now you think i'm already taking the OTHER kind of herbs.  Well, just dreaming about guys.  I'm gonna look into this SaSi... I think the lack of action is possibly more depressing than the cancer?  Well- there is hope! 

So tamoxifen kills the sex drive?  Isn't it funny what they don't tell you?  at 31- in my 'prime' i wonder if that would just 'even me out'.  I feel i owe it to myself to go out and get some! 

Casseddy what did your dr say about you not taking tamoxifen?  I think my dr hates me, at first i said no to chemo and radiation, i think i said no to the surgery too. I was going to do all alt.  but after finding out it was stage III, i had to reconsider.  She takes it one step at a time with me.  I think she thinks i am just scared.  I don't think i am.  I might be in denial, but shoot, what is there to fear, but fear itself right? 

sooo, looking for a magic wand, i'll let you know if i find it.  (Jaybird, it may just be the SaSi)

namaste

a

Jaybird627

Yup, Tamox totally kills your sex drive as it doesn't let you utilize the estrogen that you have. I had zero response, total dryness, walked around in a fog and then had panic/anxiety attacks. I couldn't stay on it. Off of it my response returned. Oh, how I haved trying and trying and trying to get there and if/when I finally got there it was pffffft. At least while on chemo I didn't feel like trying but after chemo and rads I was ready to get back to 'normal'. HA! I am now 3 1/2 years post chemo and take a lot of supplements (always did) and added a Chinese herb capsule that I think has really helped me with response. (I'm 48 so I need all the help I can get!) Anyway, HTH? Do the chemo and do the rads if necessary and then move forward. I fought both, too. Can't wait for my SaSi!

GryffinSong

Hi there, I'm here, but didn't see action in this section, so hadn't bothered to post here. I've been single for over six years now, and am 51 years old. I've been traveling fulltime in my RV with my hounds, for five years. Thankfully I settled in Washington this year, camping in the middle of 20 acres owned by an artist. I've made a number of friends here, so have some emotional support through this, but am not particularly interested in a relationship unless I meet a very special someone. I guess that part of my life has simply been "sleeping" since my breakup.

The last time I had major surgery I was living with my last sweety, and he took care of me after surgery. It's strange having to go to friends to ask for help, but many, many of them have stepped up to offer rides, care after surgery, food, and so on. It's a beautiful thing, and I don't particularly feel the worse for having no partner.

So, although I'm single, I guess I'm such an independent person that it doesn't feel like a handicap at all.

Hugs and best of luck through this journey!

mzmiller99

Gryffin Song - it's so cool that you are traveling in an RV!! And with your hounds!

Been thinking that's what I'd like to do when I retire.  Provided the damned cancer hasn't done me in by then!  How big is your vehicle?  I'm thinking I'd like to be like Auntie Mame and take my two grandsons with me for a few months during the summer.

GryffinSong

It is really fun and liberating! I was laid off from the computer industry six years ago. I ended up selling my house, my cars, and buying a crew cab pickup (3/4 ton chevy) and a 23' travel trailer. Both ends of the trailer pull out to give a total of almost 30'. I had enough money tucked away to support me while I worked at building a career as an artist. I can't say the money's rolling in, but at least I've been able to get health insurance, which is a blessing now that I have cancer!!!

I have a retired racing greyhound and four little Italian greyhounds (three of whom are rescues). The dogs have been a great ice-breaker when making new friends at campgrounds, and they're great at cheering me up when I feel down.

LorenaB

Tamoxifen hasn't done a thing to my sex drive. On the rare occasion that I get some alone time with my kinda-sorta-boyfriend (maybe once or twice a month) I am totally thrilled, and in between I think about sex an awful lot.

Gee, I hope this doesn't mean that the tamox isn't working for me? I don't get major hot flashes either.

I'm 42 and a single mom, finished with treatment (forever I HOPE) and going to have recon surgery in the spring. There are so many interesting single women on this board!

Lauren

Anonymous

Wow, I've been off this board for awhile, huh?! I'm thrilled, though, to see so many amazingly strong, independent chicas checking in! WELCOME, EVERYONE!!!!! I can see that you have much to contribute!

~Marin

lovnaz

A,

I have an Onc that thinks I am over the edge. I have refused the tamoxifen and am taking Evista instead. I did the hysterectomy and my Gyno told me that I should be prepared to lose my sex drive...then laughed and said, well, maybe you'll actually be normal..lol

I can tell you that I have definatley NOT lost the drive, but have an issue with the weight I have gained thru chemo and the drugs that I was put on. I started to exercise so that I have the confidence to go out there and "get me some" as they say.

Just remember there are alternatives to the tamoxifen....even tho it's the "drug of choice" for some reason.

As far as the hairy pits......I asked my doctors and they all said that I could shave as long as I was very careful....also suggested nair type products.

Jaybird627

A brief update on me:

I have a 'date' tonight with a Scotsman (I'm in Scotland). We met on-line (of course?). What is it about men who have 'accents'???

My SaSi is suppsed to arrive on Monday. I'm definitely going to have to test it out asap!

Jaybird627

Okay so I met the Scotsman and he was nice. His teet were awful though! How does one get past that??? We talked for about 4 hours before nothing happened. A few simple kisses as it was late and I had to get to bed. I will see him again when I get back there but I don't have any more trips there this month.

And my SaSi arrived this afternoon. I'll have to find a good hour or so just to figure out how to use the dang thing but I guess it will be fun learning! I will report back as soon as I find the time to study!

zengrl

Hey Gryffin.... aside from the damn cancer your life sounds soooo cool!!! I had to leave my 3 wonderful dogs with my ex (many, many) years ago cause he had the big house and I was in a bsmt suite. Anyways, I have always dreamed of just hittin the road too... nice to know some "real" person out there is actually doing it! I am considering moving up to Northern Canada next year.... seeing the aurora borealis as I go to sleep sounds wonderful..things just aren't groovin' where I am. (Vancouver, BC)

 anyways, CHEERS to you and yer 5 fur-people!

jdash

what kind of chinese herbs?? sounds interesting

Jaybird627

Jdash, I take "women's libido" by gaia herbs. It's a capsule and I get it at Whole Foods. I take 1/day. I do believe it has helped. I'm sure their web site has more info?

Bethie1

Andrea.  It's nice to meet you.  I'm single 38, and had my mastectomy this past Friday, after an attempted lumpectomy, but too many lymph nodes were affected.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE HERE. We are here to support you.  I've been a part of the wonderful group for a little over 2 weeks now, and the outpouring of love and support is marvelous. Keep us posted on your progress

Tessmerelda

Hi Andrea.  i'm 34 and single. Diagnosed this time last year.  Finished Chemo and Radiotherapy.  On Tamoxifen, Calcichew and Zolodex for another year.  Having tests tomorrow so fingers crossed.  I know exactly how you feel - I felt (and sometimes still do) completely alone and helpless.  It's great to talk to people here and local socities that can help also.  I think counselling is very important - espically for young women like ourselves that have a lot of extra issues to deal with as part of BC.  Give yourself plenty of time and be good to yourself.  Best of luck with the treatment.  Remember we are all in this together. T

DV8Q

Andrea you are hillarious added you as a fav, Do you know what your going to do about the Tamoxifen? I am not sure about it still reading up on it, its seems rather anoying that everyone thinks I should just take what is offered

-young but not impressionable  Q

KEW

I've been on Tam since December and have not lost interest in sex, now after the ooph, who knows, but I've been told that I can use vaginal estrogen if I need it. I would caution ER+ women about herbs, make sure they do not mimic estrogen, or that could be a problem.

Single mom 12 years, two boys 15 and 20, puppy.  No family, at least parent or sibs, mom died of bc 26 years ago dad 4 years ago, no sibs.  Aunt and cousin in another state, phone calls, but no real help. I don't know how you feel, but I sure get tired of being alone at my doctors appointments and have low tolerance when my friends complain about their husbands.  I would appreciate someone close, someone to talk to at night, not being the sole provider of money and health care. Who cares if he doesn't always help around the house.  Sometimes it is lonely.  My friends have been amazing and I'm truly grateful for them. 

TorchSong

KEW, I am totally with you--I have great friends and my mom and one of my sisters aren't too far away, but it would really be nice to have someone else in the house. I found that during chemo especially, with the mood swings from from Dex and lack of appetite and so on, I really needed someone else around--or at least someone stopping by very day.

I'm 48 (49 next week, eek!) and newly single...had a relationship I knew was temporary due to job changes comign up, but I had hoped we could work it out...nope. So that ended about a month ago, and while I'm not really looking (still too soon), I'm starting to think about looking. 

I'm also thinking perhaps I don't really want/need a permanent relationship--my work is pretty consuming, so I might be better off with something more casual. 

I had lumpectomy, chemo, and am in the middle of rads; feeling not very attractive in any case--duck fuzz hair, pudgy from chemo, lymphedema...ugh. Sometimes I think, Who would want to be with somone so scarred and unattractive? And other times I think, I am the most amazing woman they will ever meet and they will be lucky to get the time of day from me! 

Mojo is starting to come back...not quite all the way yet.

This is sort of disorganised--hope it makes some kind of sense!

Glad to "meet" you all, if not on this board...

KEW

Hi Torch Song,

I'll be 49 next week, too.  Happy Birthday.  Yup, I think about all those things, who would want to be with someone scarred, going though a physical, emotional, and spiritual metamorphosis, with no idea about longevity--even though most people never know, we kind of stick out, and of course on the practical side the financial setbacks, anything I owned that had value, I've taken the equity out of to pay what insurance didn't.  I bet you are awesome and any guy would be lucky to have you. I hear stories of women having the best relationships of their lives after this because the men really want to be with them, I'm also told that the scars don't bother men, by men and women who've become involved with someone since surgery..  I'm not looking either, I kind of hope he finds me.

TorchSong

Happy birthday back atcha, KEW!

Best relationship of my life coming up? I don't know, the one that just ended was the best I'd had so far...no manipulation or games, open and honest communication, mutual support...

Actually--and i'm not trying to make a political statement, just make sure I'm clear on this from the start.. I identify as bisexual. The relationship that just ended was with a woman, also a bc survivor (she had lumpectomy and rads, then Tamoxifen). She wasn't weirded out by my scars, but I think my dx hit a little close to home for her--reminder of what she went through, and that it could come back. It wasn't the cause of our breakup--she's got a new job and is going to be spending a lot of time on the other side of the state--but I think it contributed. 

I'm wondering if it would really make a difference--if the men I might date would have an easier time dealing with it than the women I might date...

Interesting thoughts, anyway.

#14 of 33 rads today!! Whoo hoo, almost half-way done!

(edited to fix several typos...)

KEW

You know it might be more frightening for a woman than a man.  I gew up in San Francisco, so I'm pretty cool with everything, if you need to express things feel free to pm me.  I feel like I have become every woman's worst nightmare--I felt that after my core biopsy and I was taken back to the waiting room in a gown with and ice pack and none of the women there would make eye contact with me--I get it, and I can see that a woman, who already went through it and then her lover was diagnosed.  I think you're on to something.

I had a relationship of 14 years all apart as this was happening.  He is now with someone half our age, we weren't married, but in each others lives for a long time.  When I needed him most, he decided a younger woman was what he needed.  So, I'm still waiting for the "best" relationship yet.

Congrats on #14.

Best,

Karen

TorchSong

Yeah, Karen, the more I think about it, the more I think there was a lot of that fear for her. She was there for the surgery and my port insertion, and the first chemo treatment...but after that, somehow she had too mich going on at work or had a cold and didn't want to expose me... all legitimate, but...

She tried to be supportive, but it was one more thing that stressed our relationship. 

On the other hand, I've known of couples (heterosexual and homosexual) who have been brought closer by a cancer dx....so who knows.

Martha

TorchSong

Wow, didn't mean to kill the thread... where did everyone go?

KEW

I don't think you killed the thread, some just stop, or slow down, and then pick back up.

Karen

WendyInCalif

Nope, not alone.  I watch the board periodically but can't think of a thread to create and there is never one I feel like taking part in.  It is lonely here, 51 and single. 

 I never did have kids but the dogs/cats fill the gap.  Would certainly love to meet an intelligent senstive man whom I would click with.  Cannot banki on beauty at my age as it is fleeting.  He'll have to be a soul mate or it would be hell.  Sex, it is in the mind.

I'm a well known thread killer so if it stops here, feel free to blam me )  Hang in there.

LorenaB

Just popping in to say hi. I'm 42, a single mom with an 8-year-old son. I have a kinda-sorta boyfriend who has been hanging in there by a thread since my diagnosis.  He didn't break up with me but he was never really my rock of support, so I don't consider him truly my "significant other." We had been together about 10 months when I got my dx in Dec. '07 (and the relationships was sort of iffy at the time anyway) -- through surgeries and chemo he bought me little techie gifts (like a robotic vacuum) and stopped by to give me hugs, and he did take me to my first chemo tx, but he was only one of many friends/family who I counted on for small amounts of support. He had a harder time dealing with the mastectomy -- it was around 3 months before he would touch me, and that was after I promised to keep my shirt on. During the 6 months between radiation and reconstruction, our relationship improved a bit, probably because I was independent and didn't have a lot of expectations.  I am now recovering from DIEP reconstruction. I've been home from the hospital 9 days and have seen him exactly twice -- and he lives next door! He is very busy with his kids on the weekends... but still!

I am waiting until my body is recovered, and then I will have to make a decision re: whether this relationship has the potential to go anywhere or not. At this point, it is nice to have him in my life.  I'm on tamoxifen but my sex drive hasn't gone away, and we have great chemistry (which is probably part of why we are still together), so a little bit of intimacy with a guy who I know and trust every few weeks is very valuable to me. Sadly, I still really care about him and I'm not ready to let go.

Happy bday to both of you who have celebrated recently! And TorchSong, no worries here re: the gender of your partner(s). A coworker/friend who is a lesbian came over last night to visit and we chatted about our kids and relationship issues -- we are all human and the feelings are mostly the same regardless of sexual orientation.

Have a good day everyone!

Lauren

nasharayne

Hello ladies,

 I'm 31, with no kids and single well sorta kinda.  I have a boyfriend but, you know how that goes. My family mainly lives in the midwest with one aunt about 4 hours away.  I just moved to Charlotte in August so, my support system is a little lacking.  I had to remind my friends and boyfriend that I need help with stuff.  Maybe cooking a meal every now and then would help. I would hate when someone would call and say hey, make sure you get a good meal today or you have to eat something. I'm like I barely want to walk to the bathroom let alone go to the kitchen and cook something. How slow can people be knowing that I'm alone and not offering a plate or something.  Sorry, I was reliving the moment.

My boyfriend's mom had cancer a few years back so he says, he knows what to do but, I would swear sometimes he has no clue.  Maybe it's a man thing. I guess he tries and he can just pick up and leave if he wanted but I think it would be easier being married. I guess we all want what we don't have.