Any isolaters or hermits out there?
Comments
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anniemar53, welcome, welcome, welcome! you are not alone here. In sisterhood, xo
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Anniemar53, this is exactly the place for you. I think it's safe because we can be bothered or not according to our desire. I have posted quite a bit but that's probably because I can do it and be a part of the community but still be alone.
I think it's not the best world but it's safe because I don't have to try and keep a conversation going. I truly struggle and feel uncomfortable trying to make small talk.
So, welcome.
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Small talk! THAT'S the problem I have! I'm good at work because I talk about features and benefits, blah, blah, blah. BUT don't ask me "how are you?". I also don't ask people that. I don't care! It is such a fake "hello". Just say "hi". It's so much easier!
I am so glad that no one has broken into this thread to say "oh there's medication for that", or "take small steps each day" or "join a gym" or something trite like that. THEY do not know what it's like!
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Hi All-
Anyone who knows me would be shocked that I even opened this thread! Hermit and/or isolator would NOT be an adjective that would be applied to me...at least not the former "me." Right now, I think I am an transition. A former "life of the party" now trying to get myself to any party! I am not technically a hermit, I go to work everyday and on the good days, can find some of my old self to be recognizable to my coworkers. It's my long time friends and family members that I don't seem able to approach yet as the person they knew. They've all been more than kind and patient with my lack of contact..God Bless them. I just can't figure out what it is that keeps me from jumping right back in...or even wading in at this point!
I live with my DSO and my daughter in an apt. downstairs. She just moved in and that has gotten me on a happier track. I have learned in this process to be gentle with myself and accept my own pace (something this former self beater upper LOVES) At the same time, I worry that if this takes much longer, many will get used to their lives without me in it!
UGH...this "journey" is one I wish none of us had to take!
Blessings to all
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barbe 1958, ha ha ha ha! There's medication for everything, the problem is, it doesn't necessarily work correctly.
If you haven't been to cancerville, put down your hand and listen to those who have.
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I am a hermit! I don't want to see anyone after work. I come home, pull into my garage, close the door, shut the blinds and feed my dog then me.
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msc209, you described me about 10 years ago! Whoaaaa. Dog advanced to Heaven, I'm still working on it.
sessna1
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Today I was doing laundry (no, this shouldn't be under the "Housework Support" thread) when I decided what I had on should go in there too. I whipped off my sweat pants and top and loaded them too. I got a good look in the mirror at my scarred chest - long lines across where my breasts used to be and a long scar on the front of my shoulder where my replacement shoulder surgery was done. Its discouraging and depressing.
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Oh, forgot to mention that my best friend called and left a message. I don't even want to talk to her. When family want me to go out I tell them my shoulder hurts too much (which is not a lie but should not keep me isolated).
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kmcrawl, I hope you can look at yourself and be proud of your battle scars. You fought the beast! I am sure you are beautiful. In sisterhood, xo
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Can I join this thread? I've tried over and over to explain my situation, but it just doesn't seem logical so I delete it. In a work environment I'm out going. But, I hide from social situations as much as possible. I'd rather be home with the door closed. When the phone rings, if its not my DF, DH or daughter, I won't answer it. I do enjoy being by myself. But I realize that I have a problem. Angel
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Hi:
I'm struggling to find the new NORM, but can't seem to get there. It's been 2 years since I finished treatment, but can't get my act together. Energy level is next to zero.
Have heard that very often after BC a lot of women get post-traumatic stress syndrome.....as your body has been through a war/survive mode through treatment, for about a year. Any thoughts???
Big Hugs,
Erika
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YMB and Erika-
I definitely believe that we can (and do...as some of us are NOW) go through PTSS! There are different ways it manifests, depending on your experience, but God knows we have been "shocked" into this new way of life!
I am going through something that's for sure! As time goes on, I am learning to just go with the feelings and not try to dwell but ACCEPT. So I try to just put one foot in front of the other every day with the hope that eventually I will arrive in a more peaceful place. These boards and women like yourselves help me to do that tremendously. In every step of this "journey", I have seen that I am not alone. I gain strength by those who have gone before us and by "hanging out" with sisters in the same space.
I still come here everyday but don't always feel the need to post which I choose to view as a step in the right direction!
God Bless us all!
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You don't have to be brave, you just have to show up.
Courage isn't the lack of fear; it's going on in spite of it.
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Barbe - right on!
OF course we have post traumatic stress syndrome - who wouldn't? We've been poked, and prodded, and jabbed; stressed and traumatized; knocked out and cut up; got infected, can't talk to most people about the experience and treated like we were contagious. What the heck is the mystery to anyone that we would suffer from PTSS.
Many introverts struggle and triumph over shyness and being with people socially and professionally when all it does is drain them. That just means you are flexible, tenacious and smart.
I have been asked many times if I was talking to myself to which I reply yes; then the person who asked thequestion usually follows up with "so long as you don't answer yourself!" to which I reply, of course I answer myself - sometimes I just want to have an intelligent conversation!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying your own company.
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Hi All,
I was a very outgoing person before BC. I was the people person at work that got everyone to feel comfortable in a group situation. I loved my job and have been known to work 16-18hrs a day. I worked weekends regularly. I was the party planner for the nearly 15 yrs that I worked for my last employer. When I was dx I felt very comfortable telling them that I had cancer. Some have remained helpful, most have burned out from the duration of my tx and disability. I was terminated 6 mths after the dx and have been home on LTD for the last 19 mths.
Now I am a hermit. I rarely walk outside of the house not even to sit on the front porch. That used to be a favorite pasttime. I screen calls and do not answer the phone except on rare occasions. It is very harf to get me out for any reason. It is also very hard to gain entrance into my home. It is just me and the 5 cats now. I watch TV, surf the net, and occasionally work on hobbies. I find very little enjoyment in my life and have grown to hate my mirrors.
I knwo that I am suffering from clinical depression. I have been on antidepressants since the dx. I don't think they are working very well. I have just started seeing a counselor and she has told me that after one session with me, that I am focused to much on WHY ME? and the things that I cannot change. She has told me that I need to make a list of the positives that have come out of the dx. I can't find any. Suggestions? She also suggested that I make a list of the things that I can change and those that I can't. I can't concentrate that long.
On top of it all, my onco says that he never heard of chemo causing chemo brain?!?!?!?!
I guess that last should have been on a rant board. It seems I only feel the urge to post when I want to rant about something. UGH! I do have PTSD and want to stay away from people. I don't want them to see me. hmmm.... I just want to be alone and get through this without any more disappointments but I know that is impossible. So I guess I expect to be alone the rest of my life. Is it really possible to live alone and never leave your house? I am trying...
C
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Dear C: I guess you could since Agoraphobics do it all the time but if you are alone how would you get to doctor appointments, grocery shopping (at least for the cats), , prescription pick up and mail pickup?
I have had clinical depression for a long time and while I finally have a drug combination that helps enormously, I come from a family full of people suffering from depression. Whether what I have is actualy clinical depression (which I believe it is) or a learned behavior (which I think contributes to it), the drugs help. Most days, however, I am almost paralyzed, not wanting to do much, go anywhere or see anyone. I know, as do you, that is not good for my mental health.
The loss of your health and breast(s) requires a grieving process. You just happen to spending more time in one step than the others. I, on the other hand, have taken the Scarlett O'Hara approach of "I will think about it tomorrow."
Give yourself some more time and be patient with yourself. Eventually you will want to see other people if for nothing more than to get rid of "cabin fever."
Anyway, I wish the best and hope things improve for you. BTW, you are a woman after my own heart - 5 cats. Love them! God I hope this helps and I don't sound preachy - I don't mean to be.
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cmharris, I haven't found ANYTHING positive about my b/c experience. I already knew I was a strong person...didn't need THAT test!
I hear people say that and I can't for the life of me figure out what the heck was good about it all!
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CM, just my opinion but first I think you should talk with your doctor about changing your antidepressant meds. What works for one may not work for another and you sound like you need to try something different.
Ditto about your counselor, can you talk with another one to compare (yeah, I know, you already said you don't want to see people and here I am suggesting you run around talking with everyone). But just those few sentences about her don't sound promising. Really, what positives can come out of a bc dx! Yes, I'm sure some would say, 'oh, it's made me a better person' or a 'more caring person', or some such but, get real, it's BC!!!! and that's not pretty. Hard to find something positive and you really should not have to even try. That to me is ludicrous. (JMHO)
However, on the "why me" point - I found at the very beginning of my dx that I turned that around and said "why not me" - hold on, hold on. Some would say to think of someone else you would rather it happened to instead of you but immediately someone we disliked might pop up. What I did was think, if not me, would I prefer it have happened to my sister, mom or niece, instead. That helped to put it into perspective because if someone had to get it I would not wish it on anyone else so, tag, I'm it.
Please do think about changing your meds. QOL is important, even when alone. HUGS!!!
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One thing I TRY to do every day is have an "oh God" moment. Like when driving to work and it's kind of foggy and I come over the rise on the highway and the fields are shrouded with wispy threads weaving between the trees....sigh....I LOVE the fog! (I'm from Vancouver) or when driving home I see a gorgeous sunset....sigh.
The only bad thing about this time of year is when I leave for home in the light and it gets dark as I drive. Makes me feel like I've been driving forever!
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HI all!
Thanks for the information, advice, and comments! It is really comforting to know that I am not alone in thinking that my counselor was a little nuts to suggest that there were positives about BC!Since ending my treatment and acknowledging my disabilities from the side effects, I guess I could be classified as agoraphobic. I get out of the house maybe twice a week at most. I try to run all of my errands with one trip out. If I forget something, too bad, I adjust. Unless I am in dire need or my cats want something, I do not get out of the house.
My physical therapist is mad at me because I had even quit going to PT. I made up excuses not to go. I have started back again, so I should be getting out at least twice a week to go there. She has also asked me to keep track of my daily activities for one week and try to make a schedule. When I was working, I was very organized and structured in my life. I have lost that somehow and it is depressing.
Kathleen,
I can truly relate to your "mirror depression". I cannot bear to look in mirrors anymore. I am hoping we will get past that and can begin to accept the butchery that has been done to us. And yes, that is how I see it - butchery.
Barbe,
I, too already knew that I was a strong person. I didn't think that I needed this test. But then, sometimes I think I failed the test. I hate it when people imply that this is a test of faith or whatever. It makes no sense to me, either. AndI hate the "Oh, you are so strong or brave to get through this all alone" , I am not brave, I just happen to wake up every day. I am 2 years + from diagnosis and I am still struggling. I try for those breathless moments too. Watching a kitty curled up with head and nose buried in their paws... a beautiful sunrise viewed from the front porch... a gorgeous night with fireflies in the backyard. ah..... beautiful moments!
Anyway, good luck to all of you ladies and thanks again for the support!
C
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Is it okay if I post here too? I've been reading alot here, sometimes I feel like I'm invading other's privacy, but, I think it's knowing there are listening ears that care, that keep bringing me back here. I haven't been diagnosed with anything yet. I have been a year now with my little walk. I tried to laugh it all off a year ago, because no one has cancer in my family. Both of my grandmothers lived to 94. So, when the Doctor who did the biopsy said it was a cyst, I left it at that. Then the radiologist said dense breast tissues, and need an MRI. My GP said no. Through this site, I decided I better ask her some questions, and she wasn't forthcoming at all. So, I am in this place of unknown until December's follow up imaging, then ...............
I read the link "leaf" gave yesterday, and now I don't know if the Birad 3 I saw is for density or the other reading. Is there a difference? I don't know, since no one has had to even consider this, what to press or what to be patient about. I don't even like being thought of as a drama queen, too many people I know, enjoy being the center of attention that way. An ex-sister-in-law, has the oscar for that.
I laughed it off at work so long ago, (everyone wants to know, but they don't really care, but when I went for the u/s and mammo, I kept that to myself). I have had real outbursts where I can't control what emotion will emerge, but I just don't know? So what do I do with this information? DOES the Radiologist know before 'they' do the u/s the outcome of the biopsy or is it kept from them to see they do their job? Anybody know?
I get this horrible skin rash in my hair and along my scalp right down into my eyes. I work in a dusty environment, and I am already not looking at anybody when that flares. With the emotions I've been through this week, it was particularly bad. Now, everyone (at work) it seems, (since the GP said I fixate on things that are only important to me), look at me and figure I'm going through the change. My Supervisor's are all 28 year old kids with egos. I tell you though, this week they can try to play master slave with me, they've been getting a fight.
I read about the lady who was diagnosed, (the lady with the five horses) and the tears I cried for her- I haven't been able to cry in years!!!!!!! I couldn't believe I could feel that way. I had a nightmare that I remember. I was in the tub, and I was menstrally bleeding into the water. ( I thought about it being something about blood being thicker than water, but I think it has to do with such a real experience, a shocking unexpected experience, and having to deal with it among some people that are as water, some used for waste removal, other's for life.)
I probably would have laughed this away until later, but back in May, my dearest husband's best friend's daughter died from breast cancer. She had apparently been through everything for 7 years and was being watched regularly for recurrence. In January, she was given the clear, then in May she didn't feel good on a Thursday nite, and was gone, Saturday! He fell to pieces at our house on the Monday in front of me.
My dear husband and I have been his godsend since, when he loses it over losing her. How do I keep things in perspective? I didn't know her at all.
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I agree with everyone! There is nothing good about bc; I'm brave? For what, not wanting to die? Doing what I had little choice in doing? I do admit that I am finally learning patience and endurance. I was expecting my family to rally round and wait on me. I don't know why I expected that since there was no evidence of such a reaction in the past. I finally got it through my head that they would do what the could, they did love, just not the way I wanted. The world does not revolve around me (damn!).
Cameo - welcome - hate that you might have to join this club but welcome. If your doctor is taking a "wait and see" approach - get another doctor. I mean it. Please.
CM - it is butchery - I was thinking I would get new breasts but they will still have these angry red scars running across them. Maybe you are right - maybe one day we will get over it. I hope so. I have already spent too many years hating my body.
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I'm sorry, but MY world does revolve around ME!!! How could it not???? I don't go to the doctor to ask about someone else...I ask about ME. How dumb are those comments?????
I liken it to the flight attendants during the "crash video" before take-off saying to fix your own oxygen mask before dealing with your childs. In other words, don't die trying to fix someone else's...if you truly love them, you'll do your own mask first so you can really help them!
I think if someone's world DOESN'T revolve around them, then THEY need the help!
I don't think I'm "wrong" for being the way I am...it's a survival tactic. Flight or fight. I'm tired of fighting.....
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Hey. don't be sorry. With a BC dx, anyone's world is shaken. I prefer to say that when I got that is when my life BLEW UP. Nobody really wanted any details. Work became a nightmare, when I'd been there 18 years and loved it. I don't like pink ribbon loops. Even mother was no comfort. It's been 2 years for me and I'm not the same person anymore. I tried really hard to go into it with a positive attitude, to continue to work during rads in August. I tried so hard that I ran out of steam for living. Couldn't have put my own mask on in order to survive. Wore out. Wrung out, all used up. Burned out, worked out, drained. ...there I go, spiraling down the drain getting sucked down and no desire to fight anymore.
I don't want to die. Not yet anyway. But I do want to shield the lower part of my bathroom mirror with some fabric or a stick-on texture so when I'm naked in there I don't have to see left breast. After two years I thought I'd be 'over' it. moved on in the land of the living. But I feel stuck in the mud, moving in slow motion and not very happy about it. I'm tired of fighting too.
~Connie
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I'm not sure I need help because I don't believe THE world revolves around me but I respect your opinion. I didn't realize I had touched such a nerve - it was not my intention. Sorry.
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Kathleen, I don't think anyone took your comments in a negative way. From what I'm reading here the ladies are all just sharing how they are grieving because here is safe - and that's good.
I have to tell all of you that my heart is breaking for what you are experiencing and I can only try and be here to read and let you know that someone cares.
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Our 'world' revolves around ourselves, other's folks 'worlds' revolve around themselves. It is a matter of perspective.
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Butchery. That's exactly what I thought when I saw myself after the mastectomy. Even now one year later and in the process of reconstruction...I often think of how I was diagnosed almost 60 years after my grandaunt and yet had the same mutilating surgery to hopefully survive. 60 YEARS!!! What a bunch of useless butchers. Yes, I'm resentful...
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Renata - my sister's best friend's name is Renata who has had breast cancer. I had to check your diagnosis date because I thought it might be her! I have given a lot of thought into how they could remove the breast tissue without leaving scars across the chest. I don't know. My grandmother had breast cancer in the 1950's. I don't know what a radical mastectomy is these days but they took her breast, lymph nodes, muscle, you name it and they took it. She had a scar from stem to stern and a rather large indentation - there was nothing but skin covering that side of her chest. She also had lymphadema (sp?). Her left arm would swell. I don't even know if she knew she had it or just thought it part of the surgery.
Patoo - I see your point and agree. Thank you.
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