am i alone here??

OK, Andrea, I need to pop in here as someone whose life situation is definitely not in the center of the bell curve. Alas, I'm not "just like you" either (I'm a little older than you, have a different BC/stage than you), but maybe you'll take comfort from me in that I can assure that you are NOT alone if your situation isn't like that of most of the other BC sisters on this forum. Not that those women (the "normal" ones LOL) aren't and haven't been sweet, encouraging, or lacking in practical suggestions I took and found helpful (and they're wonderful), but no, they're NOT "just like me" even when they're my age or have the same kind of cancer I have. So in that sense, I do feel "alone" at times...and on top of that, I've always been "different" and have felt mostly isolated from people anyway, way prior to coming down with BC.

That said, I'm 47 (will be 48 in June), I was diagnosed in 2/2009 with Stage IV IBC and recently started neoadjuvant chemo to shrink my ginormous 12 cm tumor prior to mastectomy.  But I'm like you in that I have no husband or children to "worry about." Dunno if in your case it's a conscious choice to be single and childfree, or if you'd like to have a husband and kids but you just haven't found the right man to marry yet, or you think you're too young/not set enough in your career yet for marriage or family, but I never wanted to have kids, ever. Marriage was never one of my goals either. My attitude was, "IF I meet 'Mr. Right,' MAYBE I'll marry him" -- which is definitely a minority situation...as it happened, three years into a relationship I did get married -- was a first time bride at the ripe old age of 35. So, at YOUR age, I was definitely single, and hadn't even yet met the man I married!). My marriage didn't last long -- my husband had an affair and I divorced him (we were both 38). 

Been single ever since, don't look back and since I'm good at learning from my mistakes, I do NOT plan on remarriage, even though I've had a boyfriend for the past 6 years. The end of this year, when my Pack Rat and I hit 7 years, this will mark the longest relationship I've ever been in. Why am I so confident we'll make it that long? Because in the past when we had a couple of rough spots (intermittently during years 2 through 4 in our relationship, the worst of it in years 2-3),*I* was the one who had considered ending the relationship, not him (although he considered my points valid). For him, nothing was beyond tolerance or somehow being able to work things out when I was upset -- and when we hit year 5, not only were the rough spots worked out, but in realizing how wonderful and the highly specialized kind of unique he is, I  weirdly found myself feeling "committed" and decided if our relationship gets rough again, I don't care, I'm never ever going to break up with him, I'll do whatever it takes to work it out, accommodate, whatever -- he is 100% IRREPLACEABLE and nobody on this earth could ever did or could even remotely give me what he does in terms of what I call "Understanding and Sharing Worldview" (which as just as important to him as it is to me).  He is, quite frankly, the only reason left that I want to live at all anymore, and that applied before the cancer too.

Oh, and speaking of the cancer, yes, he's with me on the BC thing. Besides that he's the one who persuaded me to get my changing breast medically checked (I was ready to just let myself die!), he came with me for first chemo and said he'd stay with me when I have and recover from my mastectomy, he isn't remotely fazed that I'm going to lose my right breast, doesn't want me to endure the risks and pain/complications of recon for no other reason than that it would make me look nicer naked, and he even thinks I'm way overreacting to the hair loss issue when I told him I how I felt totally hideous and physically repulsive looking with my new short hair (I went from just about waist length to too short for a pony tail, and now buzz cutting today, and then, worse horrors, I'll be bald in a couple of weeks!).

But back to the weird situation crap -- yes, I'm in a long term relationship, but -- it's a long distance relationship! No, we didn't meet through the Internet, and no, it's not because we started out in geographical proximity but one of us had to move for job or other reasons: it's been like this from Day One! We're physically separated by five states, 300 miles, a 6-8 hour drive depending on traffic and weather, however you'd like to look at it. Yes, this was the biggest reason for our past rough spots.  

We see each other "catch as catch can" -- we have no regular schedule (he's one of those people who's totally brilliant -- he's an inventor -- as long as you don't expect him to know what day of the week it is or connect in any way shape or form to the spacetime continuum as we know it!) -- which was the second biggest reason for our past rough spots. He comes down at average intervals of 6-10 weeks (for a weekend or long weekend, infrequently "several days"), and once a year I go up to his house and stay for a week....dunno yet about this year's trip though, for weather reasons I can only go in the summertime and this summer I'll still be on chemo and then comes the mastectomy around late July or early August which will bring him down here anyway, since my cancer center and hospital are in my city. My treatments are at 3 week intervals so I could probably plan to go away for a Week 2, but I'm even more afraid of driving with chemo brain than I am normally, and normally I'm afraid of driving, period, which is why I only go to his house once a year; I can't handle that drive more than once a year! 

We love each other but neither one of us wants to live where the other does! So we see each other at these bizarre unpredictable intervals and talk on the phone between visits (and yes I do still wish I could see him more often, but finally decided to accept this the way it is). So even though I have a steady boyfriend for whom I feel in my heart a marriage-like commitment, I basically live totally single! Even if I did move to his state, I'd still want to have my own apartment -- I actually LIKE living by myself!  Our views on this: he would rather face a firing squad than move back to my state, which is where he's originally from although he got out years before I met him. While his state is otherwise on the very bottom of my list of "places I'd like to live," I also hate it here too. My own original escape plan derailed when I had a stroke 15 years ago. So if either of us was going to move, it would be me; yeah, we've occasionally discussed diminishing the geographical void on and off at rare intervals.  

But the sweetest thing he ever said to me -- what made me fall in love with him in in the first place in fact -- was, looking into my eyes as he said it,  "I never thought I'd EVER meet another person who's as socially maladjusted as I am!"

So there you have it... Is this too weird for words, or what?

~Lena.

 Hi I am still alone and don't want to date I got reconstruction but no nipple yet it has to be done in steps and I have to go out east to do all this but anyway my hair is still not in enough to go without a ball cap so its pretty depressing and I am a empty nester and one guy asked me out this last winter but I said I was taking a break from dating but I didn't want him to know about my cancer it seems people back off like we are contagious just wanted to vent...
Thanks for listening to me ladies

Good luck on the dating Men can be cruel and I don't think I want spare my heart to get hurt again any suggestions from anyone on steps to take towards this....

Maura

I'm also new to this forum and to BC.  Diagnosed June 30 and had a lumpectomy a month ago.  Still waiting on Oncotype DX results to determine what kind of treatment I'll need (hormone pill vs. IV chemo). I am also single at 57 (married twice with 2 grown sons) and no one in my life romantically. Not sure I would want anyone to go through this right now but it sure is scary to go through it alone. My immediate family (mother, sister, brother) all live 2 states away, one son just moved to another state (we are very close), my other son lives close by but we are estranged at the moment (that's another story)!.  He doesn't even know about the BC (my choice).  

I don't think I trust a man to stick by me during tough times as the 2 husbands I've had and one other long term relationship couldn't do it before the BC!!  I'm like you, Lena, I like being by myself too much and I'm not sure I really want someone in my life bad enough to give up my freedom. I've tried the internet dating (Match.com and eHarmony) and have been very disappointed so I guess I'm just destined to be alone!  I sure don't think my chances of meeting anyone NOW (with BC) is too promising.

I think I can handle it on my own if I don't have to do the IV chemo. That is really going to be hard for me to do alone. I have a very strong faith in God and know that He will get me through this!  

Nice to find you guys and hope we can help each other!   

I have found it very difficult to be alone although my female friends have been truly amazing and I don't know how I would have managed without them. I have 3 grown sons and while they do what they can, they just don't get it and are very involved in their own lives. The worst part for me was that the man I was involved in, who promised he wouldn't bail, has in fact totally abandoned me. It's incredibly painful to be left because of this disease - it's not like I had any control. Makes me feel totally unworthy of ever trying again. Because this was my 2nd dx, I had to have BM and can't have reconstruction until next year, once I'm healed from the rads. I feel less than a woman and don't think I will ever try to meet a man again. I didn't want to grow old alone but that seems to be my future..........of course, who knows if I'll ever grow old. My mother died of this at age 57 and I'm already older than she was. I feel this disease has taken much from me that will never be recovered and I am sad.

HI Alll--

Don't recall if I've posted my story here, please forgive me if so...

I was partnered when I began this cancer journey, with a wonderful woman who was herself a BC survivor. We made it through chemo and then in March we changed our relationship to friends. It was very hard for me. I knew she would be moving, as she had begun looking for a new job in December, and it was unlikely she would be staying in this area. And we had never made a committment of any kind, it had always been, "it lasts as long as it lasts." I think between her move and her own cancer fears that were revived, not mention my neediness and mood swings (she's very independent), it was all more than she could take. She's an amazing person, but she has her own issues to deal with (intimacy, trust and committment being among them). We still love each other, but we simply cannot be partners--it was hurting me more than it was helping me, and it was feeling more like friendship to her in any case. It was hard for me when she began seeing someone again in June, but we had agreed to let each other know, and she did, so I wasn't blind-sided.

All that said, I thought for most of the spring (as I went through radiation) that I would just stay single for a year or so, not even look. And then I started talking to someone who had been a friend, and who is now something more.

We are taking this very slowly--she's been in and out of three relationships in the last four years, so she has some things to figure out, and then... as someone up-thread said, I'm not so sure about my body right now. I still have obvious scars from the chemo port, my breast is still discolored from the radiation (and a bit stiff, too) and I don't have much hair yet.

What I'm trying to say, I think, is that we work well together because neither of us is ready for much physical intimacy yet, and it's OK with the other. We care about each other very much and are certainly emotionally intimate, psychologically and spiritually intimate.

This is working for us--it feels good and right and the pace is appropriate for us...

So it is possible. Although I have to say, if someone told me three months ago that I would be feeling this way now, I wouldn't have believed them.

Hi fellow sisters,

Lifegoeson - I identify with you.  I too am in reconstruction and have no nipples - heck, one of my scars isn't really healed - waiting for a first fill.  I wrote earlier about a guy at the gym asking me out recently - well we went out and it went pretty well (as these things go) - and we're going out again.  Soon I will tell him.  Luckily he is someone who is fairly self-revealing about his own "stuff" and this will help me be vulnerable too.  Yes, I do think this is a unique challenge for us, in this breast obsessed culture - but I also think it is a real opportunity to find those diamonds out there.  Fingers crossed anyway!

Geena

Dear Little Red,   I am so glad you reached out.  You are NOT alone.  There are many of us here who have had similar feelings and experiences.  You have been through alot.  Please take care of yourself and know that you have support here.  In sisterhood, xo

Little Red - In response to "I fear sometimes being the old woman who lives alone with her cats" That's been a saying I've used to joke about myself being single. I had a husband for almost 10 years, divorced in May of 2008. Should have done it about 3 or 4 years before that!  I also have a 9 year old daughter. I have tried dating but just haven't found anyone that is everything I'm looking for. I was dating a guy but I knew he wasn't "the one", when I was diagnosed in March. He said he'd stick around, he didn't seem to mind that I had no hair, but I don't think he really got it when it came to the chemo and how much I was really going through. I never got sick from it, but really got tired, and I think because I wasn't sick he assumed I was fine! After a couple months he just really started to annoy me. Finally last month I told him it was time for a break, that I needed some space to "get better" and that my daughter needed some time with just her and I. So now I'm just trying to get my energy back after chemo, and prepare for my many sugeries to come. I have my mastectomy scheduled for September 25th, and I am so thankful that I don't have a significant other to worry about, what they are thinking of my body, or if I need to try and put on a front for him. I love having my bed to myself, and on occasion my little girl with me, I think for now my life is good the way it is, minus of course the cancer crap! Funny though, when I told my Grandpa I was having my ovaries out too, he said oh good you can have all the sex you want now! I laughed and told him, yeah, most guys want to have sex with a bald, boobless lady. They'll be beating down my door Sick sense of humor in our family, but it works for us

I can totally relate about the keeping things normal. Very few things about my schedule or lifestyle changed really. I worked full time, took care of my daughter like I always do, and tried to keep things as "normal" as possible while doing the chemo. My daughter started back to school today, so I feel some sense of relief, and like we can get a routine down and try and be like before.

You did chemo, and are on radiation now? I did the chemo, finished last month, will have the surgery like I said on the 25th, then radiation, then reconstruction. So like you said, between all of this it's exhausting and no real time to focus on a relationship. Not that I'd know where to even start. My friend and I are both single Moms and we've talked about that a lot. How do you meet people, guys? Being 32, it stinks, while some of my friends are older, some younger, some with kids they all still have their life and I'm so wiped out from chemo I can't keep up. I feel tired by 9 or 10, how did I ever stay out til 1 or 2am?

I am ready to have a full head of hair again, I rarely ever leave the house without my wig, and wear a scarf instead. I get loads of compliments on my wig but I still feel FAKE, like everyone can tell it's not real! The mind plays wonderful games huh?

I hope things get easier for you, emotionally and physically. Definitely not alone in all of this!

Dear hrf:

I wish had an answer for you.  I don't.  I've been doing a lot of thinking about "WHY?"  All I know right now is that Cancer doesn't care.  It doesn't care whether you are young or old, educated or not, rich or poor, pretty or plain, have children or not, good or bad, at the best time in your life or the worst.  Cancer doesn't give a damn.  It doesn't discriminate, pick favorites, or hurt to get even.  It just does its thing regardless.  It's not personal.

For me, what hurts is that a partner in a relationship is personal.  Your partner is supposed to care:  To show compassion even when they are scared or frustrated, or want to just get away from it all.  They are important to us, because they bring validation and solace at the time we need it most.  They are our intimates, the ones to whom we have given our hearts, with whom we have shared our lives and dreams and secrets, our bodies, and maybe in doing so, a piece of our souls.  Once we let them in, we help them, encourage them, honor them, believe in them, and let them help us, share in our joys, and support our tough times.  But when they falter, when they leave us in the toughest of times, we are shaken because it's hard to remember what it was like before they came into our lives.  The time when we stood on our own - when it was not their validation of us that made us strong and know our value, our beauty, our special gifts.  None of those things are gone when they leave.  Over time we have just relied on them to tell us, to reassure us.  We have to remember now to tell ourselves.

It's been two months.  And I confess, I think about him every day - Probably the first thought every morning and the last thought before I close my eyes.  It is not easy to break old habits.  But I miss the relationship.  That's the emptiness in me.  The man I loved is gone.  I grieve for the loss of him.  But the man he is now, is not who he was before.  He changed.  He used to tell me I was beautiful, but he is blind to me now.  He used to love being with me, but he finds my presence in his life unbearable.  He used to worry and care about my smallest need, but he has turned his back.  He said he wanted to be my friend, but retreated to a place where there is no me.

Maybe this sounds preachy, but we can talk about all our "less thans":  boobless, no eyelashes, no hair, bad nails, weight loss or gain, being scared, or tired, or depressed.  But that is not who we are.  That is the Cancer.  Those are the scars we bear as we push through our treatment and recovery.  We are not those things.  They are the outward signs of our struggles, and shame on anyone who would tell us that is what we are:  Shame on us if we believe them.

You have more good ahead of you than you can see right now.  I'm in that same boat, but I believe, I have to believe, it is there.  You are entitled to your grief, just as any of us, but try to remember what attracted him to you - YOU.  Find YOU again, the YOU you love.  The YOU your family and friends love.  Then others can see it too. 

Little Red .... thanks. Even though I have a looong way to go to believe what you have said, I know you are right. I will print out your message and refer to it frequently. 

Good morning LittleRed,

 I finished August 13th. I never lost 100% of my hair, not sure if that's normal but I still had maybe 100 hairs on my head spread out all over the place. They were about 1/4 inch long thanks to the clippers I used to take the rest of the hair out. Anyway, I have noticed some peach fuzz, and some of the hairs are about 1/2-1 inch long, not many that's for sure but it's progress. My hair before was about to my shoulders and really really thick and grew really fast so I'm hopeful! It didn't have a lot of body before, but I see some of the ones I have now have some body to them. Not sure I'm explaining it very well. Certainly no where near enough for me to not cover it up when I leave the house. 

LittleRed - That was a beautiful, touching and sadly -- personally moving post. 

Dear firstmate:

This is a very sad time for me, and unfortunately, too many others.  I just hope I can work through the grief of the loss of my relationship, which for me has been worse than dealing with the Cancer.   It is easier for me to deal with my body or a disease betraying me that someone I truly believed in and cherished.

I need to make myself remember that there is hope and love in front of me all the time.  In the face of my child, and those of my family and friends.  Life is full of blessings and consolations if I choose to recognize and embrace them.  Some days are harder than others, sometimes it's hour to hour, but I keep trying.  I often stumble, but I have to walk the walk.  I have too many people who need me to, want me to, and fortunately, are willing to walk beside me if I ask.