am i alone here??
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OK, Andrea, I need to pop in here as someone whose life situation is definitely not in the center of the bell curve. Alas, I'm not "just like you" either (I'm a little older than you, have a different BC/stage than you), but maybe you'll take comfort from me in that I can assure that you are NOT alone if your situation isn't like that of most of the other BC sisters on this forum. Not that those women (the "normal" ones LOL) aren't and haven't been sweet, encouraging, or lacking in practical suggestions I took and found helpful (and they're wonderful), but no, they're NOT "just like me" even when they're my age or have the same kind of cancer I have. So in that sense, I do feel "alone" at times...and on top of that, I've always been "different" and have felt mostly isolated from people anyway, way prior to coming down with BC.
That said, I'm 47 (will be 48 in June), I was diagnosed in 2/2009 with Stage IV IBC and recently started neoadjuvant chemo to shrink my ginormous 12 cm tumor prior to mastectomy. But I'm like you in that I have no husband or children to "worry about." Dunno if in your case it's a conscious choice to be single and childfree, or if you'd like to have a husband and kids but you just haven't found the right man to marry yet, or you think you're too young/not set enough in your career yet for marriage or family, but I never wanted to have kids, ever. Marriage was never one of my goals either. My attitude was, "IF I meet 'Mr. Right,' MAYBE I'll marry him" -- which is definitely a minority situation...as it happened, three years into a relationship I did get married -- was a first time bride at the ripe old age of 35. So, at YOUR age, I was definitely single, and hadn't even yet met the man I married!). My marriage didn't last long -- my husband had an affair and I divorced him (we were both 38).
Been single ever since, don't look back and since I'm good at learning from my mistakes, I do NOT plan on remarriage, even though I've had a boyfriend for the past 6 years. The end of this year, when my Pack Rat and I hit 7 years, this will mark the longest relationship I've ever been in. Why am I so confident we'll make it that long? Because in the past when we had a couple of rough spots (intermittently during years 2 through 4 in our relationship, the worst of it in years 2-3),*I* was the one who had considered ending the relationship, not him (although he considered my points valid). For him, nothing was beyond tolerance or somehow being able to work things out when I was upset -- and when we hit year 5, not only were the rough spots worked out, but in realizing how wonderful and the highly specialized kind of unique he is, I weirdly found myself feeling "committed" and decided if our relationship gets rough again, I don't care, I'm never ever going to break up with him, I'll do whatever it takes to work it out, accommodate, whatever -- he is 100% IRREPLACEABLE and nobody on this earth could ever did or could even remotely give me what he does in terms of what I call "Understanding and Sharing Worldview" (which as just as important to him as it is to me). He is, quite frankly, the only reason left that I want to live at all anymore, and that applied before the cancer too.
Oh, and speaking of the cancer, yes, he's with me on the BC thing. Besides that he's the one who persuaded me to get my changing breast medically checked (I was ready to just let myself die!), he came with me for first chemo and said he'd stay with me when I have and recover from my mastectomy, he isn't remotely fazed that I'm going to lose my right breast, doesn't want me to endure the risks and pain/complications of recon for no other reason than that it would make me look nicer naked, and he even thinks I'm way overreacting to the hair loss issue when I told him I how I felt totally hideous and physically repulsive looking with my new short hair (I went from just about waist length to too short for a pony tail, and now buzz cutting today, and then, worse horrors, I'll be bald in a couple of weeks!).
But back to the weird situation crap -- yes, I'm in a long term relationship, but -- it's a long distance relationship! No, we didn't meet through the Internet, and no, it's not because we started out in geographical proximity but one of us had to move for job or other reasons: it's been like this from Day One! We're physically separated by five states, 300 miles, a 6-8 hour drive depending on traffic and weather, however you'd like to look at it. Yes, this was the biggest reason for our past rough spots.
We see each other "catch as catch can" -- we have no regular schedule (he's one of those people who's totally brilliant -- he's an inventor -- as long as you don't expect him to know what day of the week it is or connect in any way shape or form to the spacetime continuum as we know it!) -- which was the second biggest reason for our past rough spots. He comes down at average intervals of 6-10 weeks (for a weekend or long weekend, infrequently "several days"), and once a year I go up to his house and stay for a week....dunno yet about this year's trip though, for weather reasons I can only go in the summertime and this summer I'll still be on chemo and then comes the mastectomy around late July or early August which will bring him down here anyway, since my cancer center and hospital are in my city. My treatments are at 3 week intervals so I could probably plan to go away for a Week 2, but I'm even more afraid of driving with chemo brain than I am normally, and normally I'm afraid of driving, period, which is why I only go to his house once a year; I can't handle that drive more than once a year!
We love each other but neither one of us wants to live where the other does! So we see each other at these bizarre unpredictable intervals and talk on the phone between visits (and yes I do still wish I could see him more often, but finally decided to accept this the way it is). So even though I have a steady boyfriend for whom I feel in my heart a marriage-like commitment, I basically live totally single! Even if I did move to his state, I'd still want to have my own apartment -- I actually LIKE living by myself! Our views on this: he would rather face a firing squad than move back to my state, which is where he's originally from although he got out years before I met him. While his state is otherwise on the very bottom of my list of "places I'd like to live," I also hate it here too. My own original escape plan derailed when I had a stroke 15 years ago. So if either of us was going to move, it would be me; yeah, we've occasionally discussed diminishing the geographical void on and off at rare intervals.
But the sweetest thing he ever said to me -- what made me fall in love with him in in the first place in fact -- was, looking into my eyes as he said it, "I never thought I'd EVER meet another person who's as socially maladjusted as I am!"
So there you have it... Is this too weird for words, or what?
~Lena.
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I just want to find someone who will be ok with this, and have it be a reciprocally loving, respectful relationship, fun, too. I have not lost desire either, I've just lost the desire to give myself to someone who was unable to put my situation first for even a moment, someone who at 54 acted more like an eye rolling 3rd teenage son (I have two boys 15 and 20), than a loving man. I want someone to be able to count on me as much as I can count on him. I guess I still believe in love, I hope it still believes in me!
Karen
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Hi I am still alone and don't want to date I got reconstruction but no nipple yet it has to be done in steps and I have to go out east to do all this but anyway my hair is still not in enough to go without a ball cap so its pretty depressing and I am a empty nester and one guy asked me out this last winter but I said I was taking a break from dating but I didn't want him to know about my cancer it seems people back off like we are contagious just wanted to vent...
Thanks for listening to me ladiesGood luck on the dating Men can be cruel and I don't think I want spare my heart to get hurt again any suggestions from anyone on steps to take towards this....
Maura
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Hi Andrea:
I'm new to the site and I am glad I found it. I, too, am single, but I got single the hard way. I was married to the love of my life for 36 years, and almost 3 years ago now, he left me for a much younger woman. I am 59 now and he is 62 going on 26..no kidding. I never, ever thought that my marriage would come to an end. We have 3 grown children (1 daughter and 2 sons), and 5 grandchildren.
It still boggles my mind that this happened. I still have good days, and bad days..and some days, I cry all day and cry myself to sleep at night. I still love him so much and how I wish I didn't! Needless to say, we were all devastated. He left me before I had breast cancer but I think it was better that way, as one of the reasons he said he left me was "I got sick too much." I have fibromyalgia, and that's very painful and I'm so fatigued all the time, and now the side effects of my cancer pill is muscle aches and fatigue!
It's been almost 3 years since he left me. It was 2 weeks before Christmas...what a lovely Christmas present that was!! He didn't have no remose, no shame..and still doesn't. He was a wonderful husband/father. All of a sudden, I saw these gradual changes in him... wishing his hair wasn't thinning out; going out in the evening without me, he'd make up some excuse; he went away all day once, saying he went with a friend to deliver something to a city....etc. I so believed him. I suspected it, but I did not want to believe it, and looking back now, I feel this was going on for about a year before I finally got it out of him.
I have experienced a lot of physical pain in my days, but no pain can compare to this! I so wanted to die...but I had to get a grip and try to think rationally. I have my children who need me and I need them, and there's my grandkids and I wasn't about to do anything stupid as their grandfather already has!! It was a rough trip (still is...but not as frequent)...but I'm still here standing, thanks to God and my children/grandchildren!
I know it's not fun to be alone and be sick, and that's just what I experienced. I do remember he'd always get mad when I got sick...as if I asked for this? So, maybe it was best that I got cancer after he left.
I lost my left breast, and I am now cancer free! I had chemo and lost all my hair, but it all grew back thick, curly and wirey...haha, but it sure beats a bald head! It wasn't easy...as my oldest son got married when I was bald, so I had to go purchase a wig and it was so hot that day...however, it all went well.
I'm not sure how much wisdom I can show you...haha. But I do believe that we all can learn from each other, as every experience is different! I felt so much better when I read some of these blogs and chatted with some of the women! I know we feel alone at times, but to be able to share with other ladies who have fought, or is still fighting, the same battle has been very helpful to me.
I'm still on cancer meds, but I thank God that my chemo is all done. I didn't have to have radiation. I plan to have my right breast removed. I wanted that done on the day they took my other one, but the surgeon refused as he said it would have been very painful. So, I waited about a year and decided to have it done again, then my oncologist talked me out of it!! Again, I have an app'ment made with my doc next week, and this time I AM going ahead with it. It is my body...and I don't know about others, but I don't like being lop-sided like this, and I'm almost 60 and it sucks to have one boob dangling down to my belly button...hahaha, just exaggerating here. I just want to be even as it's SO hard to get clothes to fit properly, especially when it comes to tops!! So, after reading some of the blogs here with some of the women going "flat"...I think I'm ready for that. I know one thing...I do NOT have any desire to get involved with another man...no way!
My ex said he was going through mid-life, as he ended up moving in with a gal the same age as our oldest son, and she has 5 kids at home! I often run into them and I hate it, but it can't be avoided as they don't live that far from us. I pray for God to help me stop loving him. I don't want to hate him....I must confess I do hate her and that's wrong, but I think I mostly hate what she did to me and our family. Not too long after that, her father died of a massive heart attack, and her dad was younger than her live-in boyfriend...my ex! This is one of the hardest things I've had to face in my life...and then the cancer, and losing my parents all within 4 years!
However, I'm still standing, thanks to God! Well, I just wanted to say "hey"... and feel free to send me messages, or what have you, Andrea! I have to learn to live my life to the fullest now, in spite of my circumstances. Many told me how strong I've been...but they haven't seen my on my bad days. The pain was so unbearable at times!!! It is getting easier, and I never thought I'd be able to say that!
It's getting late here in New Brunswick, Canada. I'm pleased to meet you and I must thank you for taking time to read "my story".
Bye for now!!
Cinder
*I didn't proofread, so please excuse any typo's.
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I'm also new to this forum and to BC. Diagnosed June 30 and had a lumpectomy a month ago. Still waiting on Oncotype DX results to determine what kind of treatment I'll need (hormone pill vs. IV chemo). I am also single at 57 (married twice with 2 grown sons) and no one in my life romantically. Not sure I would want anyone to go through this right now but it sure is scary to go through it alone. My immediate family (mother, sister, brother) all live 2 states away, one son just moved to another state (we are very close), my other son lives close by but we are estranged at the moment (that's another story)!. He doesn't even know about the BC (my choice).
I don't think I trust a man to stick by me during tough times as the 2 husbands I've had and one other long term relationship couldn't do it before the BC!! I'm like you, Lena, I like being by myself too much and I'm not sure I really want someone in my life bad enough to give up my freedom. I've tried the internet dating (Match.com and eHarmony) and have been very disappointed so I guess I'm just destined to be alone! I sure don't think my chances of meeting anyone NOW (with BC) is too promising.
I think I can handle it on my own if I don't have to do the IV chemo. That is really going to be hard for me to do alone. I have a very strong faith in God and know that He will get me through this!
Nice to find you guys and hope we can help each other!
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I'm so glad to see this topic finally active again!!! Like the creator of the thread I thought, "OK so everyone who used to be talking about this here off and got married - or gave up!" I've posted a few times on the idea of dating DURING reconstruction. I'm just about to start entering the fray again. it should be interesting and challenging and confusing and whew! quite a ride.
After my third dx with cancer since 2006 I had bilateral mastectomy and the start of reconstruction (expanders placed) end of May 2009. As I've had radiation before, it is a dicey process - skin has been struggling to heal, I've had debridements - one breast is almost deflated and the stitches in the skin above it keep slipping through the weakened skin, the expander in the "better" breast is rotating towards my underarm. I'm in full freakshow mode!
Funny thing is - and WILD thing is - I'm really loving myself through it. After a lifetime of body image struggle, something beautiful has kicked in and I just feel so FIERCE about having love for this body of mine. I am so grateful for this. To my mind it is a gift.
So the Universe presented my first foray into the fray yesterday.... I re-met a man at the gym I knew in another context from years ago. We were talking about this and that and at some point I caught him looking at my "better" breast. Now at the gym I have on a sports bra and a big 'ol t-shirt so no one can really discern too much -- but there he was, checking out my tit. Not tits. Tit. Singular.
He asked for my phone number to go have a drink later in the week. And I thought to myself with a spirit of adventure and delving into the unknown... "Here we goooooooo!!!!!" This should be interesting.
Let's support each other in this.
Geena
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I have found it very difficult to be alone although my female friends have been truly amazing and I don't know how I would have managed without them. I have 3 grown sons and while they do what they can, they just don't get it and are very involved in their own lives. The worst part for me was that the man I was involved in, who promised he wouldn't bail, has in fact totally abandoned me. It's incredibly painful to be left because of this disease - it's not like I had any control. Makes me feel totally unworthy of ever trying again. Because this was my 2nd dx, I had to have BM and can't have reconstruction until next year, once I'm healed from the rads. I feel less than a woman and don't think I will ever try to meet a man again. I didn't want to grow old alone but that seems to be my future..........of course, who knows if I'll ever grow old. My mother died of this at age 57 and I'm already older than she was. I feel this disease has taken much from me that will never be recovered and I am sad.
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Helen...I am hoping that you will soon find that although BC takes so very much from us, it also has a few unexpected gifts, like the realization that we have an indominable spirit and cannot be kept down for long. As for the man thing, I've met my own share of jerks, but would like to encourage you to have at least a spark of hope because, REALLY, there are a few gems out there and one might actually be looking for YOU! You, seriously, have no way to prove that that is not so, right? These men wouldn't think of leaving a woman just because she has a flat or scarred-up chest and they can't fathom why another man might do so. Of course, the a$$holes all understand one another and behave alike. So as soon as you know you're in the company of one of their kind, make the quick exit. We now know that our time on earth is limited and we just don't have time for idiots.
Hang in there, chica. Even our attitudes change as we progress on this journey, so please know that you will have more hope...and more reason to hope...in the future!
~Marin
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Marin, thanks for your encouraging words. I hope you are right.
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Fellow chicas (word used in homage to marin
) My guy and I split up in March. He was able to hang thru the chemo, but my depression and suicidal thinking scared him away. He was looking for the independent woman I used to be and I got very needy during treatment. Wish I could find someone who would accept ALL parts of me. Treatment is over, except for Arimedex and life is better. God bless us all, in sisterhood xo
Ellen
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HI Alll--
Don't recall if I've posted my story here, please forgive me if so...
I was partnered when I began this cancer journey, with a wonderful woman who was herself a BC survivor. We made it through chemo and then in March we changed our relationship to friends. It was very hard for me. I knew she would be moving, as she had begun looking for a new job in December, and it was unlikely she would be staying in this area. And we had never made a committment of any kind, it had always been, "it lasts as long as it lasts." I think between her move and her own cancer fears that were revived, not mention my neediness and mood swings (she's very independent), it was all more than she could take. She's an amazing person, but she has her own issues to deal with (intimacy, trust and committment being among them). We still love each other, but we simply cannot be partners--it was hurting me more than it was helping me, and it was feeling more like friendship to her in any case. It was hard for me when she began seeing someone again in June, but we had agreed to let each other know, and she did, so I wasn't blind-sided.
All that said, I thought for most of the spring (as I went through radiation) that I would just stay single for a year or so, not even look. And then I started talking to someone who had been a friend, and who is now something more.
We are taking this very slowly--she's been in and out of three relationships in the last four years, so she has some things to figure out, and then... as someone up-thread said, I'm not so sure about my body right now. I still have obvious scars from the chemo port, my breast is still discolored from the radiation (and a bit stiff, too) and I don't have much hair yet.
What I'm trying to say, I think, is that we work well together because neither of us is ready for much physical intimacy yet, and it's OK with the other. We care about each other very much and are certainly emotionally intimate, psychologically and spiritually intimate.
This is working for us--it feels good and right and the pace is appropriate for us...
So it is possible. Although I have to say, if someone told me three months ago that I would be feeling this way now, I wouldn't have believed them.
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Hello all,
I'm 52 and single (divorced.) My friends were really amazing during and after my surgeries, but I miss having a relationship with a man. I worry about the scars and I worry about telling a new guy that I have BC, that he'll run from it. Of course, who wants the guy who runs from it anyway but you know what I mean. I've been on match.com for a while and I haven't even bothered to meet any of the men on there. I want someone to just magically appear, lol. Right now I don't have nipples yet so that is my excuse for not doing anything about trying to meet someone.
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Hi fellow sisters,
Lifegoeson - I identify with you. I too am in reconstruction and have no nipples - heck, one of my scars isn't really healed - waiting for a first fill. I wrote earlier about a guy at the gym asking me out recently - well we went out and it went pretty well (as these things go) - and we're going out again. Soon I will tell him. Luckily he is someone who is fairly self-revealing about his own "stuff" and this will help me be vulnerable too. Yes, I do think this is a unique challenge for us, in this breast obsessed culture - but I also think it is a real opportunity to find those diamonds out there. Fingers crossed anyway!
Geena
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hrf:
I'm new here, but I wanted to write because I get what you're saying. I had a similar experience. I feel totally abandoned by my partner. I gave him the opportunity to get out before my surgery because I knew he was having a hard time but he swore he wanted to be there 100%. He wouldn't come near me after the surgery I think because he was too freaked out, and once my hair went, I think that was it. Not that he ever took the risk to see my body or my head. He got a new girlfriend and bailed mid-way through my chemo. I agree it's wonderful to have your friends and family and mine have been amazing. But it is hard to sleep at night without your partner there to hold you and tell you it's going to be alright. Funny thing is, I never lost my enthusiasm, my desire, my sense of womanhood, until this happened. I was going through treatment like gangbusters, I was not needy and never slowed down, I wanted to be intimate. But this was a kidney punch I didn't expect that stopped me in my tracks. Truth is, I know it isn't me. I am still me. Hair will grow back. Reconstruction will happen, and I will be different, but I am still me. And what attracted him to me before hasn't gone away. I fear sometimes being the old woman who lives alone with her cats, but I know that's just the depression talking. I have to believe it isn't true, because the depression and sadness can't win this one. The cancer can be beat but not if you let the depression win. Hang in there. Keep trying. Keep the faith. Every day I struggle with feeling alone and abandoned, but I make myself reach out to those who do love me. That is why I am posting here. Reaching out helps me say 'out loud' what I need to say to keep myself moving forward. My last chemo was last Friday. I'm getting ready for radiation, and I meet with my PS tomorrow. I am walking this road and I am not going to stop. I'm going to see 'me' again, and though it may take a while to get there, I am closer with each step. So are you. Be good to you.
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Dear Little Red, I am so glad you reached out. You are NOT alone. There are many of us here who have had similar feelings and experiences. You have been through alot. Please take care of yourself and know that you have support here. In sisterhood, xo
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Dear lovemyfamilysomuch. Thank you for taking the time to reply. It's good to know I am not alone and to hear it from someone who knows what it feels like to be in this place.
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Little Red - In response to "I fear sometimes being the old woman who lives alone with her cats" That's been a saying I've used to joke about myself being single. I had a husband for almost 10 years, divorced in May of 2008. Should have done it about 3 or 4 years before that! I also have a 9 year old daughter. I have tried dating but just haven't found anyone that is everything I'm looking for. I was dating a guy but I knew he wasn't "the one", when I was diagnosed in March. He said he'd stick around, he didn't seem to mind that I had no hair, but I don't think he really got it when it came to the chemo and how much I was really going through. I never got sick from it, but really got tired, and I think because I wasn't sick he assumed I was fine! After a couple months he just really started to annoy me. Finally last month I told him it was time for a break, that I needed some space to "get better" and that my daughter needed some time with just her and I. So now I'm just trying to get my energy back after chemo, and prepare for my many sugeries to come. I have my mastectomy scheduled for September 25th, and I am so thankful that I don't have a significant other to worry about, what they are thinking of my body, or if I need to try and put on a front for him. I love having my bed to myself, and on occasion my little girl with me, I think for now my life is good the way it is, minus of course the cancer crap! Funny though, when I told my Grandpa I was having my ovaries out too, he said oh good you can have all the sex you want now! I laughed and told him, yeah, most guys want to have sex with a bald, boobless lady. They'll be beating down my door
Sick sense of humor in our family, but it works for us
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Dear Dragonfly1976:
I'm 44, have been divorced for 7 years, and have had only two serious relationships in that time. With work and my son, and a small social circle, it's really hard to meet people. This last fellow I met through a friend and we dated almost a year. I've never had anyone treat me so well and with such care. So this was a complete about face on his part. I don't think he got how sick I really was or how much I counted on his support because I kept things 'normal.' He was a ballast for me that made it easy to ride out the storm, but it was a shipwreck when he left.
But I understand what you mean about needing to just take time to care for yourself and your child. I need to focus on getting better, my son, getting back to work, and getting my life back. I feel like between the radiation, reconstructive surgery, transitioning my son back to school and me back to work, that will take tons of energy. I get tired just thinking about it.
Right now I feel like I need the reconstruction and some hair (wouldn't that be nice since my long hair is all gone and I feel like a fake in my wig no matter how beautiful it is) to even begin to think about dating again. The hair part is what really bothers me. So if I wait on the hair, I guess I have a real long built in 'time out' to heal from the emotional punch, which is probably a good thing.
I found that my masectomy was the easiest thing to deal with so far. I expect the radiation will be easier still, and I'm looking forward to reconstruction, though that feels like a long way off. Surgery seems like nothing now. On another note, because I have entered menopause from the chemo, I guess I'll be in your boat too.
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I can totally relate about the keeping things normal. Very few things about my schedule or lifestyle changed really. I worked full time, took care of my daughter like I always do, and tried to keep things as "normal" as possible while doing the chemo. My daughter started back to school today, so I feel some sense of relief, and like we can get a routine down and try and be like before.
You did chemo, and are on radiation now? I did the chemo, finished last month, will have the surgery like I said on the 25th, then radiation, then reconstruction. So like you said, between all of this it's exhausting and no real time to focus on a relationship. Not that I'd know where to even start. My friend and I are both single Moms and we've talked about that a lot. How do you meet people, guys? Being 32, it stinks, while some of my friends are older, some younger, some with kids they all still have their life and I'm so wiped out from chemo I can't keep up. I feel tired by 9 or 10, how did I ever stay out til 1 or 2am?
I am ready to have a full head of hair again, I rarely ever leave the house without my wig, and wear a scarf instead. I get loads of compliments on my wig but I still feel FAKE, like everyone can tell it's not real! The mind plays wonderful games huh?
I hope things get easier for you, emotionally and physically. Definitely not alone in all of this!
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LittleRed....thanks for your note. This is the only place where I can truly express myself. I hope one day I will be able to look back and think "good riddance" but for the moment I can't see past each day. I'm older than you so I feel that my time for finding a new relationship is limited and at this time, being bald, boobless, overweight, etc. is not exactly a magnet for meeting new people. While I felt I could be strong, when he literally disappeared, I felt so knocked down and betrayed. He had promised to hang in with me. How can men do this? It took me a long time to learn to trust him (all my bad previous experiences) so I really counted on him. It just makes the pain and the recovery much worse than it already was. My girlfriends have been great. I have 3 sons - all good guys but they don't GET IT. I really miss my "friend" a lot - there is a huge emptiness there now.
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Dear hrf:
I wish had an answer for you. I don't. I've been doing a lot of thinking about "WHY?" All I know right now is that Cancer doesn't care. It doesn't care whether you are young or old, educated or not, rich or poor, pretty or plain, have children or not, good or bad, at the best time in your life or the worst. Cancer doesn't give a damn. It doesn't discriminate, pick favorites, or hurt to get even. It just does its thing regardless. It's not personal.
For me, what hurts is that a partner in a relationship is personal. Your partner is supposed to care: To show compassion even when they are scared or frustrated, or want to just get away from it all. They are important to us, because they bring validation and solace at the time we need it most. They are our intimates, the ones to whom we have given our hearts, with whom we have shared our lives and dreams and secrets, our bodies, and maybe in doing so, a piece of our souls. Once we let them in, we help them, encourage them, honor them, believe in them, and let them help us, share in our joys, and support our tough times. But when they falter, when they leave us in the toughest of times, we are shaken because it's hard to remember what it was like before they came into our lives. The time when we stood on our own - when it was not their validation of us that made us strong and know our value, our beauty, our special gifts. None of those things are gone when they leave. Over time we have just relied on them to tell us, to reassure us. We have to remember now to tell ourselves.
It's been two months. And I confess, I think about him every day - Probably the first thought every morning and the last thought before I close my eyes. It is not easy to break old habits. But I miss the relationship. That's the emptiness in me. The man I loved is gone. I grieve for the loss of him. But the man he is now, is not who he was before. He changed. He used to tell me I was beautiful, but he is blind to me now. He used to love being with me, but he finds my presence in his life unbearable. He used to worry and care about my smallest need, but he has turned his back. He said he wanted to be my friend, but retreated to a place where there is no me.
Maybe this sounds preachy, but we can talk about all our "less thans": boobless, no eyelashes, no hair, bad nails, weight loss or gain, being scared, or tired, or depressed. But that is not who we are. That is the Cancer. Those are the scars we bear as we push through our treatment and recovery. We are not those things. They are the outward signs of our struggles, and shame on anyone who would tell us that is what we are: Shame on us if we believe them.
You have more good ahead of you than you can see right now. I'm in that same boat, but I believe, I have to believe, it is there. You are entitled to your grief, just as any of us, but try to remember what attracted him to you - YOU. Find YOU again, the YOU you love. The YOU your family and friends love. Then others can see it too.
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Thank you Little Red, beautifully said! In sisterhood, xo
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Little Red .... thanks. Even though I have a looong way to go to believe what you have said, I know you are right. I will print out your message and refer to it frequently.
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Dear Dragonfly1976:
About the 'hair thing'. You said you finished chemo last month. I just finished a week ago and was told to watch for hair to start to come in at around 4 weeks out, with 'peach fuzz' coming first. I can't help but look in the mirror now. (Before I just got used to it being gone so I did't bother.) My hair was long and really curly before, although I used to straighten it. Mind if I ask if you've got anything going on? Has that been your experience?
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Good morning LittleRed,
I finished August 13th. I never lost 100% of my hair, not sure if that's normal but I still had maybe 100 hairs on my head spread out all over the place. They were about 1/4 inch long thanks to the clippers I used to take the rest of the hair out. Anyway, I have noticed some peach fuzz, and some of the hairs are about 1/2-1 inch long, not many that's for sure but it's progress. My hair before was about to my shoulders and really really thick and grew really fast so I'm hopeful! It didn't have a lot of body before, but I see some of the ones I have now have some body to them. Not sure I'm explaining it very well. Certainly no where near enough for me to not cover it up when I leave the house.
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I read Cinderella 1950 post and it touched me so much I too was married for 32 years he mentally abused me I let him part my fault he cried when I got cancer and for the 5 years he has told me how he has missed our family life and wants to see me so your ex will come around and you will be strong and wont want that life the only thing that keeps my eyes open to this life is that I have 3 almost grown children and I cannot go back to a person who disrespected me and cheated on me and blamed me for it because I didn't want to lay down as much as he did because we are so busy with our family and kids growing up and jobs I know one thing I use to hate going home I don't anymore and how I always felt like someone drained all the blood from my body no more so just remember that you don't have to have a man inn your life to complete you we are good for alot of things in life like our children and their children and I am going to volunteer to visit older people who have no one to visit with them just find your nook I know you must have it but get rid of the feeling you want to die cancer is a devil and it will feed off that and you owe it to yourself to wake up and smile. It is hard after a year after chemo I have one big arm, the hair they said comes in so thick hasn't happened here at all I have to wear a wig out or a ball cap after a year no nipple on the new boob so I am defiantly not the same person on the outside but its all I got to work with and I wont be that person again so I am digging in my heart and soul to have to the guts to tell my ex for the 100th time no I don't want to go out with him lay next to him again or let him suck the rest of my life out of me and its dam hard but that is what this place if for its alot better and cheaper than a councilor.
I hope you have a peaceful weekend and try to find something you love I hate to mow but then after I mow I will find something to do I love ha
Take Care
Maura from Ma in MO....
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LittleRed - That was a beautiful, touching and sadly -- personally moving post.
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Dragonfly1976:
But that means something is happening and that's encouraging to me. I feel like when I look in the mirror now I'm watching the grass grow...nothing seems to be happening. I think when the hair comes in and as I am slowly able to see thee old me, it will reinforce my sense of moving forward. Some days I feel like I am standing still, even though I know I am not.
ALL:
I know everyone talks about reconstruction being a big factor in feeling comfortable dating...but what about hair? It would be just as uncomfortable for me to have to own up to being bald or virtually bald, as it would be to having one good breast and one with an expander at this stage. Let's face it, hair is sexy and it takes time to grow back.
Does anybody have feedback on the 'hair discussion' with a guy?
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Dear firstmate:
This is a very sad time for me, and unfortunately, too many others. I just hope I can work through the grief of the loss of my relationship, which for me has been worse than dealing with the Cancer. It is easier for me to deal with my body or a disease betraying me that someone I truly believed in and cherished.
I need to make myself remember that there is hope and love in front of me all the time. In the face of my child, and those of my family and friends. Life is full of blessings and consolations if I choose to recognize and embrace them. Some days are harder than others, sometimes it's hour to hour, but I keep trying. I often stumble, but I have to walk the walk. I have too many people who need me to, want me to, and fortunately, are willing to walk beside me if I ask.
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Don,t forget that we, too, are walking with you Little REd! Right by your side, girl. In sisterhood,xo
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