BC Husbands and Boyfriends Hangout

Evening all, My story, I met a women online ( we are in our 40's) and things were going fine for the first 3 weeks then she found out she has cancer! Anyway I'm prepared to go through this faze with her and there was talk of what maybe the future between us, she has had a lumpectomy and is about to start treatment in a couple of weeks, the problem is, is that over the last two or so weeks she has told me she is pushing me away, one of the reasons is that she does not want me to see her go through the moods of depression and anger and the things she may say that will hurt me, I told her I would walk away but she said she didn't want that, a couple of days ago I told her to stop contacting me if she wanted me out of her life but then she contacted me again, its driving me nuts! I guess what I would like to know is if anyone else has experienced these types of mood swings and thoughts?

My wife was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC) just this past friday.  The cancer has already spread to her Lymph Nodes.  She was nursey our second child so the cancer went undetected for more than 3 months.  We estimate she is in stage four due to the symptoms.  We are very lucky to have a strong support group around us.  Currently, however, the whole group is walking around like this is a death sentence.  What I've read online is that she has roughly a 16% chance of survival.  I can't cope with accepting anything less than a long life for her and I at this point.  It's too painful.  It has helped reading everyone's survival stories.  I am interested if anyone has experience with IBC.  I could use some success stories.  Thanks.

Kevin 

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Lor444, CaptainSquared, and TomnDi,

Welcome.  Unfortunately the co-survivorship community doesn't run very long here.  It can be exhausting (not that we are going through the physical issues), but the emotional issue can be painstaking for even the most sensitive of men.  Hopefully though you'll get to meet the other men on here. They do provide some good advice. Much of that advice though is predicated on your own individual relationships as everyones is different just as each woman with breast cancer has a slightly different diagnosis and treatment.

I've added each of you to my favorite members profile so I can keep track of you and the other 37 men I've found on here who still look at the website.Yes only 37.  You each are one of few.  but it is a good core group and I think can help set a a good dialogue for each other and more importantly for other co-survivors who will pass through here so that they do not pass through her blindly.  The sisterhood of breast cancer patients is tight and we need to create a smiliar one amongst co-survivors who deal with slightly different issues all along the way.

I am one of the husbands who rarely posts, but I do read what others have to say to get me through these tough times.  My wife has just finished her fourth chemo treatment, two more to go, and I think things are going as well as can be expected.  she still has radiation to go thtough, and then a scan to see if everything is gone.  This is what worries me the most whenever I think about it.  My wife is one who would not do well if I told her all of my fears now; when this is all over, we can talk about it some, but I think the thought of recurrence will always be on my mind.  When this gets the better of me, I try to be alone because I don't want my kids, or my wife, to see my reactions.  this isn't the best way to handle things, but for our family it is.  Most importantly, I do anything my wife needs and am there for her at all times.

TomnDi and rhy,

Yes, the thought of what the future may bring is always there. Tom, I feel very much the same way as you. My wife, even used her work as a way to occupy her mind all the way up to the day of her 3 surgeries.  We just wanted our children (9 and 7) to not be scared and feel like something was terribly wrong after some of their classmates had also lost mom's to breast cancer or dads to other cancers.

Interestingly when my wife was in surgery my mom came over to me and reminded me of the time 5 years before when she was getting her chemo treatments and my father who was handicapped from a brain injury had no concept of what was going on.  She had talked to me then about how I needed to take care of him and make sure he would be able to live a good life.  I had told her not to talk like that and to keep her chin up (she had those deep times of depression and I knew it was not time to give her those "we can lick this thing" pep talks.  Sometimes I think those pep talks were moer for me than her.

Well speed ahead 5 years and my dad has now passed and my mother is traveling the world.  Other than my wife's issues, breast cancer is clearly in her rear view mirror after finishing her tamoxifen.  She still gets scanned and there are some concerns, but she says no matter what the tests are, she's heading to Europe this Fall to visit castles. I asked if cancer is still something she thinks about and she told me that it is , but she doesn't have time to think about it when she has some living to do.

I sure hope to have castles in my head more than cancer in the future. I'm almost there, but I do think it will never go completely away.  If you guys haven't read it, there is a book called the Breast Cancer Husband.  Its a good book to get written by the husband's perspective in one case: www.breastcancerhusband.com.  Maybe you might also find it in your hospital library resource center.  There are some good tips for coping, worrying about issues such as money, etc.

Erik (Route53)

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I hope all you husbands/male partners out there had an enjoyable weekend.  Now over a year removed from my wife's surgery, we try to take on these weekends with a little extra energy.  As we enjoyed a nice meal in the Napa Wine Country my wife reminded me that at this time last year I was preparing her for surgery.  Oh how much a life turns in a year.

For those of you just getting through your diagnosis and preparting for surgery, I just want you to know that there is still lots of life and hope in your near future as well.  Keep your chins up.

Erik (Route53)

http://route53.wordpress.com

hi guys,

i am neither a husband nor boyfriend. I am a son of a current cancer patient. my mom has stage IV breast cancer, mestasized in her liver. It obviously is a stuggle for all involved, and i have been keeping a positive attitude, trying to keep my mom's spirits up.

Today at dinner she was especially distraught and just started and argument with my dad for no apparent reason. He did his best to keep quiet and she responds with "im dying why are you fighting with me." I understand it is very taxing for her, however the situation is no easier for my family. Shes making is almost untolerable to live with her, and i dont even want to have such feelings. Most of you guys seem to have good answers for situations presented. Any good ideas for me, that i can pass along to my dad as well? Something that helps us to remain happy, and keep her in the best possible attitude?

Welcome iamjustason;  I'm glad you found this site.  I just wish you didn't have to join it.   It's great that you are reaching out for help.  Please consider posting your question on the Stage IV forum, so that you can get more feedback.  (((hugs)))Angel

Thank you for everyone who responded to my original post.  I need to come here more often.  Since I last posted it's been a rollercoaster ride.  My wife found out she had cancer in a rouge lymph node on the other side of her neck (opposite of where the cancer originated).  Our oncologist ensured us this is most likely a second occurance of breast cancer.  Believe it or not we were happy to hear she had cancer in the other breast as opposed to mets.  Our surgeon agreed with that diagnosis but was not as absolute.  We sought a second opinion just to be safe and this oncologist thought it most likely to be mets.  My wife had a followup mamogram today hoping to find evidence of a second cancer in the opposite breast.  No such luck.  That most likely means she's Stage IV but her only current sign of mets is in that rouge lymph node.  I know lymph nodes can be removed and she is scheduled for surgery in Dec/Jan after her chemo treatments end.  She is opting for a double mastectomy to be safe.  She will probably at least  have her ovaries removed if not a full hestorectomy.  I have read everything under the sun on the net and to be honest it doesn't help.  I'm ignoring it.  My focus now is on the countless number of success stories I've read.  There are a lot of survivors and I'm am intent on adding my wife to that list.  My goal as THE HUSBAND has been to keep her positive.  My wife is a doctor so sometimes its hard to get her to ignore the statistics, but I think it's important I do.

 IMJUSTASON - That's tough situation to be in.  I can tell you the most important thing to my wife now is spending time with her kids.  Though I can't imagine how tough that is on you, I would put up the fight.  You might try discussing this with your mom.  From just your original description, she's feeling very alone in her disease and doesn't realize you and your father are going through this too.  My wife bought me this book Breast Cancer Husbands, how to help your wife. Though you're not a husband, it might be good to read it yourself.  I'd probably get an extra copy for dad.  Best of luck.  I will add you to my prayers.

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