My mumma

I hope someone out there reads this and can help me. My mom died 31 days ago from breast cancer that had spread to her lungs. She was originally diagnosed in October of 2007, underwent a mastectomy and reconstruction of her right breast, chemotherapy and radiation. On July 9, she was advised, after a lung biopsy preempted by a chronic and debilitating cough, that the cancer had spread to her left lung, but only at a cellular level. She had an appointment at Dana Farber and proceeded to the hospital on July 20. It just was not meant to be. On July 22, she was placed on a ventilator and the cancer in the cells consumed the oxygen in her lungs. The docotrs at Brigham-Women's did eveything they could do but she passed quietly, my dad, brother and I by her side on July 23. It was later revealed that she had a nodule on her brain as well.

I am 28 years old and feel so lost, confused, angry, guilty....the list goes on and on. I closed on my first home six days after she died; she never got to see inside the house. I try not to dwell on specific things, try to remember the old cliches: "she is in a better place," "she is not in pain," etc etc. But the hole she has left in this family is huge and I am struggling with a way to fill it. I'd like to think of myself as a strong woman but I am nowhere near as strong as her.

Her father, my "Pa", died on August 9, after a 10 week battle with stomach cancer. How much can one family endure right? Pa was 87, nearly 88, had lived a good, long and productive life. When Mumma died, he lost his will, his gem was gone....his baby had left him before he was ready to go.

My grandfathers death was expected, anticipated and to some, a relief, for him and for them. My mothers passing was shocking, unexpected and too soon. I just feel alone, even though I have my husband, father and brothers; I just am so saddened to know that I will never receive another phone call, text message or birthday card from my mumma. I miss her so very much.