Best Thing Anyone Has Said to -- or Done for -- You
Ladies,
There's a thread somewhere on the boards about the Worst thing someone has said to you in response to the news of your diagnosis or treatment. I'd like to shift the conversation -- what's the best thing someone has said (most comforting, helpful, insightful, etc.) to you or done for you during your treatment or after?
Full disclosure -- I may use your responses in an article I'm writing, so be aware of that when you respond. I won't use real names, but will credit the discussion board. We know that people often say and do things that are not helpful, but they rarely intend to be mean. I'm hoping to offer some guidance as to how to respond more constructively when a friend or family member is threatened.
Here's my contribution to get us started: shortly after I lost my hair, in mid-May, my garden lady came by to talk about what we wanted to do over the summer. When she saw me, she asked, very gently, what was up. When I told her, she said, "I know this will be a tough summer for you, and I expect you'll feel lousy some of the time, but I'll do my best to make sure your garden is a joy." And it has been.
Comments
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Honestly.. mine is not that dynamic,
I thought you died after a cancer DX. Everyone in my family did.
So when I was DX, and my PCP and my BS told me that what I had was "treatable" I felt like I was a cat... with 9 lives.... and that I was in for the fight of my life.. but what I had was " treatable"
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My cell phone rang at like 11pm the night I had my Mx.
I was rather medicated, morphine to be exact.
It was a guy from a forum I talk on, he had NO idea where I was or what I was going on. He just wanted my draft picks for the upcoming NFL thingy we do. I blabbed on & on about cancer & the scar across what use to be my boob.
I believe I even told him something about my vagina!!! ER positive related I am sure!
This man, from a thousand miles away, who had NEVER met me, talked to me for hours.
How is this the nicest thing? It was his response to my panic over the scar.
He said "I will love all of your scars, as much as I love you."
I'm telling ya, girls. IF I wasn't already married!
Moral to my story? Never answer your cell phone while morphine is controlling your mouth
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Jenbal....Looking forward to reading this one myself but I think you need to ask permission from the moderators first. I could be wrong.
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jenbel, nice idea for a thread.
I also appreciate that you disclosed your possible use of postings.
Since I'm a private person I prefer not to have my words used without my specific knowledge and permission. I got interested in what the breastcancer.org rules actually are and found this under "Community Rules." Up to now I had regarded these boards as a safe and confidential place, Not true, apparently. A quote from the rules page:
"By using the Discussion Boards or Chat Rooms, you are granting Breastcancer.org a perpetual, exclusive, royalty-free and irrevocable right and license to use, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, distribute, transmit, publicly display, publicly perform, sublicense, create derivative works from, transfer, and sell any such messages, files or communications."
I don't know exactly how that impacts you, jenbel. I hope you can still use posts from those who want to share.
And I don't mean to change the intent of this thread but I was surprised by this -- I thought I posted here in confidentiality and safety (of course with the exception of disclaimers like jenbel's) -- and of course anyone who comes here can read and reply, but I didn't realize my words could be used without my knowledge. Knowing that my words can be used any time, without my direct permission, may dramatically change what I post here, and how much. And that saddens me.
Maybe most of you aren't bothered by this but I am a very private person and like to think that what I share won't be used, even for a good cause, without my direct knowledge.
Now that I have knowledge that I never know what may be shared, I'll be restricting myself more. (I know, some of you will probably be glad, since I do tend to babble!)
So much for a private, safe, and confidential place.
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My sister simply said "I am so sorry you have to go through this".. Tami
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The worst thing I was told by the surgeon who did my biopsy when I went back in for the results and he told me I had IDC, "Now you have something to talk to your bridge club about." Needless to say, I never darkened his door again. A few years later I heard his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer (a much lower stage than mine, and he was really in agony over hers.) Hopefully he has gained some sensitivity. Maybe time wounds all heels.
The best thing I heard was from my dearly beloved office of 45 wonderful people: "We have organized a rotation of dinners for you." And they did, for the entire 6 months along with cards, flowers and many phone calls.When I was too sick to take phone calls they left me wonderful messages on my office voice mail.
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NatureGrrl -- that's exactly why I was up front with my intentions -- I completely respect people's preference for privacy and confidentiality. I was aware of Breastcancer.org's claim to rights of usage, but I did re-check the rules to make sure there weren't any prohibitions against what I had in mind. Rules notwithstanding, the fact is there is nothing to prevent anyone from mining the posts for any purpose without disclosure or permission. It's a risk we all take in choosing to be part of the community. I just wanted to be really clear. ReneeS -- I'd be happy to get permission from the moderators, but don't know how to -- when I click on "Contact Us" it specifically says that messages will not be inidividually answered. Anyway, I'm hoping others will reply -- thanks to weesa, idaho, and Estepp for contributions!
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No problem Jenbal. I just didn't want you to be flaged. I would love to read the story you write.
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Best thing anybody has done for me was my primary care doc the day she sadly had to give me my diagnosis - she also gave me a book recommendation, and it's been very helpful.
She knows me well and knows I tend to burn the candle at both ends, so she told me to read David Servan-Schreiber's Anticancer: A New Way of Life. She was right. I had unknowingly been living a cancer-promoting lifestyle. I knew I was risking diabetes the way I was eating junk and not exercising, but I had no idea I was also making it tougher for my body to fight cancer.
I have followed a number of recommendations in this book; my oncologist says I have had one of the best initial responses to treatment that she has ever seen, and I think the tips from this book are helping. I am VERY grateful to my primary care doc for pointing me to it.
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The best thing that was said to me was by my plastic surgeon. I had DCIS & ILC in my Rt breast. I had been trying to decide whether to just have a single or double mast. She said, "How would you feel if after we get all the reconstruction done a year later you have a positive mammagram?"
I replied, "Stupid." My decision was made. I'm glad I had the double b/c the path report showed 2 small lesions in my left breast that my surgeon said would probably show on a mammagram in 1-2 years.
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The best thing anyone said to me was from a long standing customer at the grocery store I used to work for.....Her response to my breast cancer was What's your address?...I'm bringing food....And she did!....Not only this person but several other customers from that store brought food for my family......
Unfortunately, jenbal, Breast cancer .org has the exclusive rights to our posts..No one else can use them.....They are Royalty free and have the irrevocable right and license to use our posts......... If you would like to contact them just double click on the blue Moderator message where it has their names....I have had no problem getting responses from Tami or Melissa...Look under ModeratorsTami-Melissa............
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From someone (I didn't know at the time) commenting on my LE arm wrapped up like the Michelin Man. She said......."I hope it's something that gets better".
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best thing anyone has ever done for me, my best friend from elementary school whom I hardly have time for in my busy life showed up on my doorstep ( an hour drive from her home) and cleaned my living room and kitchen. Even mopped the kitchen floor on her hands and knees. I didnt ask and I tried to protest but she just kept right on working. Gotta love a friend who will scrub your floors.
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The best thing is my daughter came over, with cleaning supplies and cleaned my entire house. Vacuumed, the whole 9 yards and she also brought with her a whole weeks meals. This was good of her especially since she has 5 girls all under the age of 7 and works.
Then at the end of my treatments, her and her stepsister completely decorated my house so when i came home from my last treatment, there were signs on each street going to my home, my entire front yard was pink, pink writing on the windows, pink streamers, baloons, congratulations signs and even pink flamingos! LOL..best part is my daughter cleaned it all up too!
Hugs!
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Right at the beginning of treatment, a friend said "I know many breast cancer survivors, and you are one of them". I loved the fact that she was already talking about me as a survivor. I think of her words every day.
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I keep telling her that I'm here for her, regardless of the moods and words that are said I will still be there for her, It realy hurts at times but I am still there for her. Pushes me away today and pulls back tommorow, I could walk away but I wont, I just hope it helps her in the long run even if it hurts me.
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My close friend said with a cracky voice "I just want to see you, even if it is for five minutes ."
I always knew she is a true friend and this showed me that she loves me and was concerned because that is exactly how I would feel if it were her
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A couple of weeks ago I was at a meeting and saw a close colleague for the first time post chemo and rads. His spontaneous reaction was to hug me and exclaim that I looked younger than before treatment. Of course, I realize that looking younger is partly the short hair. I know I look younger with long hair than short and he didn't see me between when I had it cut short and when I lost it to chemo but he was so glad to see me well that it made my heart glad.
Like happy's comment, it was the relationship with the person, tone of voice and sincerity behind it as much as the words that was important. The same comment might feel too personal by someone who I didn't know so well.
As far as this forum, I have never assumed that there was any privacy or confidentiality here. I'm surprised that anyone did since it's an open web site that anyone can read. Do a google search on something you have posted on and you may find that thread. It is especially likely if you include your username. I never post using my real name or picture and I'm also careful about the amount of personal detail that I post. However, I also assume that someone who reads many of my posts and knows me reasonably well might figure out that it is me - had business trips on certain weeks, the schedule for my treatment or even just my profession and tendency to write in long sentences (with parenthetical remarks).
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One of the nicest things that anyone did for me: The flower pots on my front porch were filled with dead plants since I hadn't watered them since my diagnosis a few weeks before. Unbeknownst to me, a friend came and got the pots and filled them with beautiful pink begonias and placed them back on my porch within a few hours. It was then that I realized how depressing it had been to see the dead plants and how uplifting it was to see those flowers. I can think of several negative things that have been said or done to me. But, when I think about my experience with cancer, this act of kindness is most prominent in my mind and heart.
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I did post in the worst catergory, but I would also like to share the good. I am very active in my children's school (I work there now), and would always go in even during chemo. One day while walking in the hallway, a kindergarten student asked if I would take off my hat so she could see my bald head. I did and laughingly said to her, don't I look silly and from behind us a fifth grader that I knew but not that well, said, "No, Mrs B. you look beautiful and I am happy that you are here." Needless to say it brought tears to my eyes and I looked at myself differently after that. The kids always accepted me just the way I was and nothing has changed. Thanks for this thread, it reminded me of some of the joy you find along the way.
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I have been fortunate to have countless nice things said and done for me since being diagnosed in April. The nicest thing someone has done I would say is that a good friend of mine bought me some zipper front shirts and sewed pockets into the insides for me to put my drains in after surgery. It was very thoughtful of her.
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I can think of 3 nice things:
1. A friend came over one evening when I was in the middle of chemo. She saw my kitchen, said, "Oh, I see the dishes have to be done. You sit down." She then cleaned the entire kitchen.
2. As an Othodox Jew, I have been covering my hair since I got married, so if people didn't know I was on chemo they would have no way of guessing. One young woman I know saw me with my new wig, and told me how nice it was, how it suited me, and how it made me look 10 years younger. This was when I had no eyebrows or eyelashes and felt ugly. She DID NOT KNOW that I was having chemo.
3. One of my closest friends called to ask a favor while I was on chemo. She is someone who has helped in countless ways all through my surgery, chemo, and rads, so it's not like she had no idea what was happening. What was wonderful was that even though what she asked was impossible for me at that time, her asking made me realize she still saw me as LEAH and not as BC PATIENT.
It's the little things that keep me going.
Leah
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My worst - After telling the nurse of my very severe and unusual S/Es from my Zometta IV, she just said, "Well, we've never seen that here, ever" and walked away. I felt as if she was denying my experience, for some reason I expected her to be sympathetic.
After my first breast cancer, and a mastectomy, a male friend had called me a "Poor B**ch, and said I was no longer a woman - he thought he was being sympathetic.
The best was my best friend's male cousin, who on hearing about this - said to me - "Breast are for feeding babies and placating immature men. You have completed both. You will never stop being a beautiful woman".
Linda
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I have been blessed to have wonderful experiences and people in my life during this difficult walk. Some of the best things that have lifted me up were:
1. When my husband left me red roses in the seat of my car with a little note saying "i love you" written many times on it after a particularly hard day at the doctor's office. He had been with me but found an excuse to leave a little earlier than myself.
2. When my best friend placed pink ribbons all over the neighborhood and my house the day I came home from the bilateral masectomies. I had told my husband I wanted a Pink Party with pink flowers, and ribbon on the mailbox. He contacted my friend and got her to do this for him. It made it more of a "I have beat cancer" thing instead of "I have lost my breasts" thing. I still have the ribbon on my mailbox--just can't seem to take it off.
3. When folks I haven't seen in years tell me they have been praying for me. I think this one has helped the most, just to know people of all denominations care.
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Thanks for doing this. This really helps me remember my blessings!
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Best thing someone did for me -- It's hard to say one thing.
--my husband put my wedding band back on my finger when my gurney was rolled out of the recovery room after my breast surgery.
--my sons flew 14 hours to be with me for my last radiation treatments.
--my mom wanted to fly 9 hrs. at the age of 87 to be with me for my surgery. We suggested that she wait. Instead we called her on the telephone from the hospital the night before my surgery and she sang me a lullaby--I was 57.
Best thing someone said to me -- my husband "I love you Linny."
my sister--all of her coffee morning phone calls
ladies on bc.org -- ....you inspire me ... you lift my spirits.
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One of the best things anyone said to me.......The sisters on this board when I was first diagnosed said "Welcome to the club nobody wants to join....How can we help you?"......And a neighbor came straight over to my housewhen I called and told her and she looked me in the eye and said, "You can beat this!...Look at me....I am a 14 year survivor!".......I didn't believe her at the time that I would survive espsecially with the surgery I had, but she was so right........Two and a half years later and I am still here and not only surviving, I am thriving!........I still have my down days but all Ihave to do is come here to the boards and you all make me feel better.....Thank you for being here!.......
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The thing that has touched me the most is the number of people who I have never met who have prayed for me because someone I know asked them to.
I found out months after the fact that one of my daughter's teenage friends, who moved halfway across the country because her mom moved in with an old boyfriend there, and who became homeless and placed in foster care (a much better situation for her) because the boyfriend threw her out made a prayer banner for me and requested prayers for me.
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The best thing YOU ALL have done for me is to share the good and the bad with me. Coming to this site and posting and telling it like it is. Being happy to have another day on this earth.
There is no ONE specific thing that stands out in my mind as the "best thing". I have a basket full of GOOD things. HUGS, Nancy
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I have to say - I am not used to being on the receiving end of things and find it difficult to accept what is being brought my way. The best thing anyone has done or said is hard because for me it's a combination of things that have just been so unexpected, but wonderful. I still find it all surreal. How can so many people be so kind? Wow.... I'm just starting on this journey, but when I was dx my office circled around and assured me they could handle things while I was out and my boss brought me in for what I thought would be a "here is how it really is" conversation, but instead he said "what can I and we do for you". After my surgery I received so many flower arrangements and plants at the hospital, we had to send them home each day because there wasn't enough room and am still receiving cards from friends, co-workers, customers, neighbors and family. My closest girlfriend has jumped in a helped with my youngest daughter - she's had her own round of problems that just showed up 2 yrs ago (rare neurological disease). My Mom has kept up with all of my appts, b/c I keep forgetting everything and she is my taxi. My sister comes by for daily massages for stress and b/c I am still recovering from surgery for a torn achilles. My in-laws have cooked 3-5 meals a week for us and last, but not least a friend gave us a mini-vacation in his family's condo on the beach in Destin to get away and relax before starting chemo. I still am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the generosity and kindness of everyone. On top of all of that - coming to this website and receiving support from people going through the same thing is wonderful.
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