husband needs help

nChapelHeel · July 2009

Hello to all of you. I have been reading these forums for 2 weeks now. I am still scared. That is an understatement!! I know that all of you reading this are scared too. WE were diagnosed back in the middle of June, BX on July 9, and back for more surgery Aug 13. Seems like some of those lymph nodes on the right side have some cancer cells.

Just so you know, Stage 2 IDC and DCIS, all on the right side. Left breast was OK, but is now history due to 4 large cysts.

So the question is: How do your husbands deal with thhis? My wife APEARS to be doing better than me! I'm better now, but I can't seem to control the emotional roller coaster. Any advice???

Thanks,

nChapelHeel

swest · July 2009

nChapelHeel - I am not married so I cannot speak from that point, but I could tell that my family had a harder time with this whole process (in the beginning) than I did. It was not until after my chemo was finished (no rads) that I started to really deal with what had happened. My advice is to keep the lines of communication open and acknowledge that you both will be dealing with your emotions at different stages.

I am sending you my thoughts and prayers for you and your wife.

Sonia

terrij152 · July 2009

nChapelHeel, don't try to control the emotional roller coaster, it's impossible. You just have to hold on tight to each other and go on the ride together. Where ever it takes you is where you'll go together. My husband has been there for everything! He was there for the biopsy, lumpectomy, mastectomies and for every doctors appointment in between. He has been a great support system for me and I am eternally grateful for having him with me!

Good luck!

flash · July 2009

You might try a book called "Breast Cancer Husband" My husband said it was really helpful to him. I'm sorry I don't remember who wrote it. Maybe binnie or someone will remember.

The most important thing is to just be there and listen. You are already showing the important qualities your wife needs. Good luck.

jancie · July 2009

There was a time in the beginning that I thought my husband didn't really understand the seriousness of my BC. I was fretting over the fact that I would have to do chemo, I would lose my hair, I would feel unsexy, etc. and then on top of that many of the fine ladies here have had to deal with recurrences. Yes, I found my cancer when I was Stage IIA, no lymph node involvement but that doesn't mean once I am done with all my treatments it won't come back in the future at some point in time.

I finally sat down with him - after all he had been supportive going to all of my doctor appointments, etc. but I didn't feel like he really understood clearly how scared I really was.

What he told me was that he was trying to show strength and that he was strong in order for me to not be so scared. After all if he showed fear then I would even be more scared.

Once we discussed his feelings about my cancer then I felt so much better. I felt like we were on the journey together, both scared but that we would find a way to deal with it.

I guess what I am trying to say is be strong but also show vulnerability and be open with YOUR feelings because we need to know how YOU feel as a husband. We need to know that our husbands will be by our side and love us for who we are even if we are bald or have a masectomy, etc.

jenbal · July 2009

You might also check out the Family and Friends of Persons with Breast Cancer forum on this site.

LoriL · July 2009

nChapel,

When I was first diagnosed, my husband really had a tough time. Afterall, he lost his sister to breast cancer 6 years ago when she was only 35 years old. So, all of those emotions came flooding back and hit him hard. I think it is pretty normal for spouses to have a tougher time with all of it than the woman themselves. You are understandably worried about her and don't want to lose her. The biggest thing that helped my husband, in addition to relying on the faith that we have, is to really put things into perspective. Take it one day at a time. Go with her to as many as her appointments as you can. Often times we worry more about things when we feel like we don't have any control over it. Once she starts having treatments, you both will feel like you are actually doing something to fight it instead of helplessly waiting for something to happen. Take her out to eat/movies, etc. and just have fun as much as you can. My husband and I always try to find the humor in things, and that helps a lot, too. See if your hospitals cancer program has a family support group- that can be helpful, too. Best wishes to you and your wife!

nChapelHeel · July 2009

Thank you all for helping. I have read 'Breast Cancer Husband'. While it was helpful in some ways, it caused more problems because I knew more. Does that make sense? Intellectually, I understand everything associated with breast cancer. My wife is a nurse, so she understands too. What I did not explain to all of you is that she is VERY private with her feelings. I can tell that she is upset by the sleep pattens and her anger at things other than her plight. She won't go to a mental health pro even though I have and will continue to do so. The real question is how do I deal with a stubborn woman that won't admit to being scared? Our granddaughter lives with us and doesn't understand why grandma is "mad at her". Grandma refuses to tell her that she has breast cancer. When chemo starts in 3 weeks, it will be obvious!!

Thanks for caring. Anyone near Chapel Hill NC?

nChapelHeel

LeeMcC · July 2009

Hi nChapelHeel -- We live in Charlotte. I'm newly diagnosed with DCIS and very small IDC. My husband is overwhelmed ... he doesn't understand any of the technical terms. But I'm also trying to not overburden him with all of it. His elderly father is dying and he's at Wachovia with a secured job spot within Wells Fargo, but the job right now is Hell cause he doesn't have enough people in his dept to get all the work done.

Our minister called my husband 2 days ago, and I think it helped. Can someone at your church come over and talk with both of you? It's very dark and scary to stop ... and let the diagnosis of bc sink it. It is so much easier to plow ahead and NOT think about the fears and sadness. But at some point, it may just explode inside one or both of you ... and then the tears will fall. One of the stages of grief is anger -- it's very normal (I think it comes after denial).

I will be praying for both of you.

Lee

Robyn66 · July 2009

My husbands mother was diagnosed with BC 5 months before I was so talk about a double whammy! he read "Breast Cancer Husband" too. He has been my rock. But at the beginning he made me crazy with the "you have to be positive" talk. Every time I cried he would almost get angry at me. I know it was because he was afraid. Obviously I don't know your wife or her personality, but I would just tell her you want her to know you don't want her to protect you from her feelings. If she wants to talk about being afraid of dying, or just cry or be angry, have you hold her or push you away. Unfortunately you need to have the patience of Job. You need to run interfearance between her and anyone she doesn't want to deal with. Agree on how much info whe wants you to share with the outside world.

One of the best things my husband does is deal with docs and make appointments when I don't want to, I have signed all the necessary paperwork so he has the rights to see all records and talk to everyone but I love that I can say "you call because I don't want to talk to them"

Another thing my husband did was force me to leave the house when I didn't want to. He dealt with me being a raving jerk but made me do what is best for me. ( I posted the story under a thread that called "I am having a tough time today or something like that) My husband deserves a medal for sticking by my through every appointment and surgery and holding it together while I cried screamed and put him through hell.

This all may not work for you but it did for us. Ask your wife to read this forum when she is ready. She may not realize how much it will help her.

One other thing we did that you might consider, We did a casting of my breasts right before my surgery. If you google "Breast Impressions" they send a free kit with directions on how to do it. This was a great thing for us to do together because we both had a chance to say goodbye to the "bad one" and it was a sweet bonding moment for us both. A lot of women decorate the casting and keep it but I got rid of mine because I didn't need it.

Anyway, good luck and god bless you both

Love

Robyn

thenewme · July 2009

nChapelHeel,

You've gotten some great advice here. My hubby also tries to "protect" me from his feelings, which is easy for me to mistake for him being flip/in denial/not understanding/whatever. I don't feel more scared when we talk about his feelings - I feel validated. When he opens up to me about how angry, scared, confused, and tired he is - I feel closer to him than ever, and it helps me a lot. Hopefully your wife may open up with her private feelings, but you have to grieve in your way too. Maybe you can try to bring up the subject at a quiet time, and ask her directly what she wants/needs from you and vice versa. You may be surprised at the outcome. The fact that you're here asking, tells me how much you care. She's lucky to have you - and that reminds me, I need to tell my wonderful hubby today how much he means to me too, and how lucky I am! Thanks for the reminder, and best of luck!

nChapelHeel · July 2009

Robyn66,

I wish I had known about "breast casting". That might have been helpful with my wifes attitude. I don't think she is in denial for herself, but more that she doesn't want any attention from anyone.

Not even me!!! She doesn't want any pity or "fuss" over her cancer. I think she is more afraid of the effects of chemo as opposed to surgery and radiation. I tell her everyday that I love her and I manage some type of physical contact. Can't hug very much because of the tissue expanders, but I do try. I also gently reiterate the need for her to tell our granddaughter. Only time will tell.

nChapelHeel

Robyn66 · July 2009

I'm sorry, I got so into telling you about what my hubby did I forgot that your wife has already gone through surgery. DUH!!!!!

I can understand how your wife feels. My husband's brother came up to me shortly after my diagnosis and said "how ARE you" and I was FURIOUS! It was very important to me from the beginning to demean this. I referred to it as just a cold with a cherry on top. I hated it when I would get that sympathetic look and that tone of "you poor thing" in their voice.

I even asked my husband as recently as last weekend before our daughters birthday party to call a few people and let them know that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to hear how cute my hair looks growing back I don't want to talk about it at all. I hate the word "cancer" I don't even use it here very often. Maybe its an attempt to have some kind of control over something that has hijacked my life.

I was also terrified of chemo. This is still all pretty new to both of you, she may still be in shock too. There is no way to control the roller coaster. Just try to gently encourage her to talk to you. Make it clear that she doesn't need to protect you from her feelings but then YOU need to be sure to get support too. Maybe talk to her about you telling your grandaughter what is going on but explain to her that "Grandma is having a hard time talking about it right now but she would love it if you told her you love her." Don't do this unless your wife agrees to it. But maybe if she can let you take over talking with people it will help. Beside being with me for every appointment that has been the number one thing I have appreciated my husband doing.

Another thing you might try is to tell her how proud you are of her for how strong she is being. Again, speaking from my experience only, I am a perfectionist and I was disgusted with myself at times because I felt I was being weak and pathetic when in fact I was holding up remarkably well considering what I was facing.

You know, you are really doing a terrific job. You are keeping at her, and not letting her push you away. There is no denying this is going to be a long hard road but you will get through and I think she will come around.

Take care,

Love

Robyn

Aliceann · August 2009

Well you have some varied opinions on the replies. My husband is a champ through all of this, but even then it is hard for me to realize how he is dealing with the whole issue. To be honest, you are not going to be successful 100% of the time. Aim for the best you can be and be glad you can help out. Your wife is used to dealing with medical problems of others. She probably is not as good dealing with it when it is her medical problems. Be supportive, be kind, be an advocate, listen to the professionals and remember minor details, surprise her with small kindnesses occasionally. If she likes to go out, take her out. If she likes movies at home, get a movie and some popcorn, have a night in. Don't fawn on her, don't ignore her, talk about it if she wants, don't talk about it if she is sick and tired of talking about it. I have accused my DH of not taking my BC seriously at times. I have some rather bad numbers and am concerned about the future. He knows the statistics, but he prefers to be positive about today and the future. If he were down in the dumps all the time, I would be agitated about that too. He prefers to live as normal an existence as we can. He is right and we both feel better when I admit that fact, however it is very difficult to live a dull normal life when BC is the focus of your life. My advice: Be as dull normal as you can, try to adjust to your wife's flood of emotions and assure her you are there for her in whatever way, shape or manner you can be. Ex: When I was losing my hair, my husband offered to get out his trimmer and give me a haircut out on the deck. That sounds corny, but he helped me out, made sure I felt like it didn't matter to him and assured me that my baldness did not change his love for me at all. It was easy to deal with after that. Here is something that we have done in the last few months that make me feel very good: We play spa and he does things like washes my hair, shaves my legs, gives me a facial, massages cream on my body. It is relaxing and he knows I like creature comforts. This was very foreign to him, but he knows I like it and it makes be feel good. I even talked him into a Jacuzzi tub with both of us in it. It is big enough, but I used too much bubble bath and we had a mess. It was difficult for two robust adults (greased pigs) to get out of a slippery tub with about a foot of bubbles sticking out of the tub. We are still laughing about that night because it was so very funny!

NatsFan · August 2009

There's an organization called "Men Against Breast Cancer" - it's a support and education group for men who are caring for women they love with breast cancer. Their site could be more informative I think, but they do have some good info.

Here's their list of things men can do to help:

Some Things A Husband or Partner In Life Can Do To Help*
Please note that this is a list of some of the things that may be helpful, each family has different needs. This information is not intended to replace or act as medical advice.
* Reassure her of your continued love
* Gather information about treatments, doctors, and alternatives
* Go to all medical appointments and treatments if possible
* Keep a calendar of appointments and treatments
* Be the "ears" and note taker during medical consultations
* Be the advocate with the medical community
* Provide moral support
* Listen without judging
* Share feelings openly
* Give messages, hugs, and tenderness
* Be a buffer between well meaning friends or family at difficult times
* Handle phone calls from well wishers if requested
* Look at her scars and feel the scar when you are both ready
* Help her shop for a wig or prosthesis
* Provide all the special and unique things only you can provide as her partner
* Arrange for the household chores and upkeep to be maintained, enlist family and friends to help as needed
* Help prepare for hospital stays by going to the library or buying special books, tapes, or special items to make her stay more comfortable
* Take care of financial and insurance matters
The ones I especially appreciated my husband doing was going to appointments and taking notes, taking care of household chores,and handling phone calls and generally being a buffer between me and well-meaning friends and family on days when I didn't feel like dealing with anybody.
Here's their website: http://www.menagainstbreastcancer.org/

basketnut3 · August 2009

My husband has been very supportive of me through this whole process. We both had trouble eating between the original diagnosis and all the testing before chemo started. He went with me to my testing and had an anxiety attack when they were putting the IV in. A year later he is still dealing with anxiety issues. Over the last year he's had almost as many doctor appointsments as I have over this anxiety. He starts sweating and has chest and arm pains when they hit and the testing has shown there is nothing wrong with his heart. Finally after I called his doctor and said something had to be done he was put on an anti-anxiety medicine. This has helped a lot.

I am the 3rd of 4 in his family to be diagnosed with BC in the last 4 years. Out of the 4 of us we have lost one of us. This might have increased his anxieties. He really has been a great husband through this whole process. He would have been by my side at every single treatment however since I had 12 treatments and we had a 2 hour drive to get there he only went to every other one. It is just now since all the main treatments/surgeries are over he will even let me go to an appointment by myself for s checkup. Hopefully he will eventually get better and get off the medicaiton.

My suggestion to you is to step in if you have to and get him help. Even though my husband had his uncle and his father he could talk to about what was going on it took more than that. Now he's being supportive of his brother and told him not to wait to get help.

nChapelHeel · August 2009

Thanks to all of you.

basketnut: I do go to the appoinments and I ask more questions than my wife. I think I am doing all the right things but I still have more problems than my wife. This seems to be something that happens to other husbands too. I have almost convinced myself to call my doctor and ask for anti anxiety pills. We have a week to go until the right side lymph nodes are removed and I think my body is showing signs of stress! I have read all that I can read and I have learned more than I wanted to know. The surprising thing about all of this is the bills have been less than expected. This equates to less stress on me, the sole income source for our family. All is not lost!!!

nChapelHeel

AnnaM · August 2009

Just one more idea: Our local hospital has all sorts of support groups, one of them is for husbands of women going through cancer treatment. Another good group is the spiritual support group; sometimes both spouses attend, sometimes one. Check on whether or not your hospital has a social worker; they can be real gems. The hospital doesn't have to be where your wife is getting treatment/having surgery. Mine wasn't.

The day I came home after my bilateral w/immediate DIEP reconstruction (6 days in the hospital), my husband and I went to a Reiki session offered by our local hospital. I could only sit in a chair, but the Reiki master asked my husband if he would lie on the table and allow him to work on him for the session. My hubs is not that type of person, but he went along with it and I think it changed a lot for him. From then on we went to the sessions every month, signed up for Yoga classes for patients/spouses/caregivers, had all sorts of new ways to talk about what we were experiencing. That was something really positive we were able to do together.

nChapelHeel · August 2009

AnnaM,

I DID go to the hospital where we live. It is only 3 miles from the house!! My wife worked there as a nurse for 35 years. They have several programs for breast cancer and I have taken advantge of them. In fact, the social worker that oversees the whole thing may be getting tired of me!

Change of subject: My wife will have a birthday on Sep 26. This is just a few days after starting chemo. Do any of you have any suggestions for what the children (ages 33 and 35) can do to make it a really special day?

Thanks lots.

nChapelHeel

Anonymous · August 2009

Hi nChapelHeel...I am also treated at UNC (where I assume your wife is being tx'd) and have been pretty active in the breast cancer community on a local level since my dx in 2005. I can't address the husband issue because I am divorced and went through everything myself, but it sounds like the women here (as always!) have been very helpful. I wanted to add another resource that you might not be familiar with. Cornucopia House in CH (http://www.cornucopiahouse.org/ ) is a non-profit organization that provides free support services to cancer patients and survivors and their friends and families. Check out the website and consider joining us (I teach the strength class and serve on some panels) for anything that might look interesting to you. And please share the site with your wife. The people at Cornucopia House are completely amazing and extraordinarily supportive, whether you need a yoga class, a massage, literature, nutritional advice or just someone to talk to!

~Marin

husband needs help

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