March 2009 Rads Group?

Hello, I hope everyone has a great w/e. It is race w/e in the poconos, so I wll be home all w/e. I can continue to clean.

I have been very tired this weekend. I went to bed right after work lastnight. Thank goodness the w/e is here. I only have 8 more days of work and 2 of those days are 1/2 days.

I am nervous about getting the results from my BRAC test. 

Back from the memorial service... a couple quickies...

My first time driving since.. March?  Dead battery and car on reserve gas tank, fun fun fun!

Actually that part turned out great.

I still don't know why my friend threw me out of her life, but her family welcomed me.  Her daughter REMEMBERED me from when she was 4 years old... she is 22 now.

My friend has 3 sisters- 2 of whom have breast cancer. 

Catherine, strange that you brought that up, because I've been thinking the same thing.  It seems like all of a sudden more people than not are struggling with breast cancer or some other form of cancer. Our cancer center is just packed full.  They already need to expand or build another place.  It's hard to sit there in the waiting room and know that it is full from morning til night every single day, day after day!

I've wondered about all the stuff that has been around in my lifetime and wonder what is cancer causing, etc.  Since the 50's, we have eaten the oddest stuff, like oleo, fizzies, cheese puffs, and wierd penny candy.  We've used lotions, tanning creams, diet pills, and diet drinks.  We've worn polyester and other odd fabrics.  And if you came from big cities, you know about the old smokestacks, industry waste in the rivers, etc.  We are paying the price for the "industrial revolution", for sure.   Even now, who knows what harm is being done with all these crazy cleaners, detergents, fabric softeners, stain removers, carpet cleaners, etc.  It isn't until you have cancer that you obsess about it all and suddenly want to "go green."  It's like being a day late and a dollar short.

I'm on well water and have my own pump and well.  I've had it tested, but I wonder if those tests really show the carcenogins in the water.  And now that bottled water is so bad for you because of the plastics,  I guess we just have to go outside when it's raining and open our mouths and get a drink that way.  Remember the old rain barrels?????  Maybe it isn't such a bad idea.

But I still like my diet coke, my cheese doodles, blizzards and hamburgers!!!!!

Nelia, I know just what you mean!  After my diagnosis, I suddenly decided I wanted to get greener.  I feel kind of self-centered, like I wasn't concerned about the environment, but when it's my own health, now I care!  Anyway, I have made lots of changes, but still drink diet dr. pepper like it's going out of style!  I figure I make as many changes as I can without making myself and those around me crazy, and hope for the best. 

And, I totally know what you all mean about so many people having cancer. It does seem like there are so many of us, doesn't it?  Sad.

Rachel, I am also interested to hear more about the memorial service.

The wife and I have been househunting hot and heavy the last couple of weeks, and I think we are getting close.  We have a final four list for now! 

Hope everyone had a great weekend - we had beautiful weather in KC!

oh, and Meg - welcome to the March train, and thanks for your kind words.  Hope things are going smoothly for you.

Well I so much want to write up the whole memorial service day thing... I was writing it in my head while I was driving... was gonna call Catherine but I knew she was having fun houseguesting... gonna put the kid to bed and try to write it, then get on the trainer... thank you guys for asking...!!!  

I already took 2 naps today.  jeesh- over a month after RADS ended and I worked out and drank water... 

How long have any of you still used the cremes after finishing radiation treatments?  I am still using them and I am done about a month.  My radiation oncologist told me to, is why I am.  And, my skin where I had the radiation is like baby skin.  It is so soft and looks so nice.  I am surprised about that.  Is anyone else's like that?

Catherine, gorgeous post!

Oh yeah and if my mother had breast cancer when she was older and my neighbors family has all this cancer they attribute to the sun in Saudi Arabia, were we living in a cancer cluster? 

Oh and Catherine I totally hear you on the anger thing.  It is almost fun but really really weird! 

 The memorial...

For starters, I had my energy back.  I had pre-packed my things, including my kid’s things for Wednesday’s trip to the DDS in Philly.  That is, I packed them in the apartment to walk the block to my car in the garage.  Then I set about packing the car… which is quite a feat considering this is my car

And I was putting a full size stroller, car seat, diaper bag, etc etc…

Speaking of starters… I had not even seen my car since… March? Well lemme check my calendar… oh… ewww.  My calendar is full of notes about all that breast cancer stuff, appointments, appointments… horrible times I want to forget… I’ll try searching my email… no, that’s not working… oh, right, I have to use “breast cancer time”… lessee, I remember I saw my cousin in PA when I went down to swap my winter wheels for summer and fell into his arms crying because I didn’t have the Onctoype results, and didn’t know if I would be doing chemo yet… and the Oncotype path report is dated  March 5,  so it must have been before March 5. 

Guys in my garage are super nice to me.  I told them I would be going out for the first time in months on Sat morning, and I knew the battery would be dead dead dead.  It’s hard to say the word “dead” these days.  Same as after 9.11.  I try not to use the expression that I am “dying “ to hear all about whatever new thing I want to hear.  Kinda turns my speech into milquetoast.  So the guys were ready to jump the battery in my now stuffed to the gills little car.  Surprise, when they jumped it, it started but… I had no gas.

I was on reserve tank.  So now what?  If I drive to the nearest gas station, turn the car off, the battery dies and I have to hope the attendant is willing to help jump it, as well as having another car to do it, plus it it dies (got another word for that?) at the pumps its going to tick off all the other drivers…

But… if I don’t stop at the nearest gas place, the next one is so far I might as well take the Holland Tunnel, because at the other end are a lot of big gas stations.  But… if my car runs out of gas inside the Holland Tunnel, that’s going to be really, really UGLY.  Aside from that, it would make me late to the memorial, and I was doing my best to be respectful.  I know what kind of clothes her mother likes, her 87 year old mother.  I had started early enough that I had padded some time, but not enough to pull off being towed from the Holland Tunnel, if I survived that scene.

More- how did the tank get empty?  I would not do that.  I wouldn’t leave the tank empty because I know this is the story with the gas stations and the tunnel, because I know that I would probably have my child with me, & because my Dad told me years ago its possible for a car to blow up if it doesn’t have much gas in the tank.  Not to mention, I write about cars, I know a thing or two about cars and I just wouldn’t do that.  Or… was I so out of it after surgery and before the chemo test results that I didn’t notice I was on reserve tank? 

F’cking Breast cancer again?

I had read that the gas station near me was actually closed in favor of a new pointless building going up, so I didn’t even know if the station would be open, wasting more gas to get there.  I checked the traffic reports, the Holland Tunnel was clear.

I decided to take the chance, partially on myself not leaving an empty tank, and partially because I had little choice anyway, and I went for the Holland Tunnel.  I am happy to say that my old radiation brain did remember the little points about reviving the car after a jump, I had the radio code and stuff.  I had my carefully mapped route on Google plus my GPS.  If I was meant to make it to the memorial, I would be there, if not, not.

I made it, and at the gas station the attendant filled the tank with the car running.  This was a really stupid thing to do, but it worked.

I dropped the roof and reminisced- whether I wanted to or not- on the drive down.  Driving has always been a thing with me, it was a thing with my friend of course- although I just remembered when I knew her she didn’t have a license- out of principle.  Even driving top down is a trip to the past, because I don’t drive topless with the kid in the car.  The songs playing on my iPod of course are all from my youth, so even that helped the time-travel aspect of this trip down memory lane to the memorial.  I had taken the letter she wrote to me in 1970, it says she apologizes for leaving without saying goodbye because her mother made her because it was late for a family trip.  I knew I’d be showing this fragile letter to a lot of people, so I bought a glassine envelope to protect it.  The store that has these envelopes is one she introduced me to, saying it was one  of her favorites.  She loved organizing, she was a librarian.  So it was so fitting, and I thought of her at the store too of course. 

I had checked the church on Google street view and I know enough about Philly to know it was a dicey nabe.  Here I am bringing my flashy sportscar full of stuff to a bad section of town, for a funeral.  This is a recipe for getting your stuff stolen.  I had decided and then forgot NOT to put all the kid stuff in the car before I left.  Oh well.  It was then I started to  get the hairy eyeball from attendees to the memorial.  Happily, I was still early so most people didn’t see me arrive.  I was wearing jewelry, which I hardly do any more, but this was for respect to dress up my outfit, because I no longer have any nice clothes.  Between being a mommy and being fat and cheap,  and not having any reason to dress up, I don’t have anything but the same black yoga pants, white t shirt and tank over it.  I brought a nice scarf, changed into espadrilles and went inside.

I didn’t recognize any of the friends.  I recognized every family member and her brother greeted me warmly and fell apart in tears.  He introduced me to his sons, to his sisters, everyone in the family welcomed me as what I would consider completely normal from 18 years ago (I finally did the math… we knew each other for 41 years, were best friends for 23 and not for 18.)  There was just this pain in my head and heart not understanding why there was this excommunication.  I wasn’t going to press anyone about it, not only to spare them more sorrow or draw attention to my own suffering in their time of grief, but when I did have an opportunity to ask, they seemed not to know.  These are stoic people, they don’t communicate well even with each other.  Everyone remembered my mother fondly, and expressed appropriate sorrow on her passing.

I tried not to be a detective, but I pored over the posted photos looking for some clue.  She had requested certain things and I also found out she had written her own obituary.  Her books were set out and we were asked to take whatever books we wanted to remember her by.  Again, I was looking at these books for a connection, a clue… what happened?  Sometimes there was a bookmark or a note in the book.  I selected some and when her sister and I were chatting about the book selection, I said I was also looking for a children’s book for my son.  Her sister pointed out to me,

A cricket in Times Square

I not only remembered the book, but remembered her talking about the book. It was perfect.  Except it smells of mildew.  Speaking of smelling, when I hugged her brother the cigarette smoke filled my senses.  He’s had melanoma already, and I am super allergic to tobacco (not pot though!) but I could say nothing considering the pain he was in. 

I tried not to hunt for her daughter, it has to be a difficult enough day for her with people hunting for her.

We moved from the reception room to the church hall.  I generally cover my head in a house of worship, especially a church, because  as I understand it, that’s what Jewish women do… but Judaism is a religion you kinda make up as you go along.. no one agrees anyway.  That’s what my scarf was for but I didn’t do it.

It’s a big church undergoing rehabilitation, which they said later my friend was a part of making happen. A lot lot lot of talk about her being an “activist”.  My mother was a liberal activist in the 60s and 70s.  I had been canvassing neighborhoods and stuffing envelopes since I could walk- and we pressed my friend into it too.  I clearly remember canvassing neighborhoods when we were around 9 with her, as well as many other political events.   We campaigned for McGovern in 72, we worked for the Equal Rights Amendment, my mother was on the board of the ACLU and co-hosted a dinner for John Kerry…

My mother also had some kind of mental problem- we will never know if it was related to her MS, but it would make her irrational and paranoid.  She beat us, and sometimes she beat my friend too, usually by accident- she was aiming for me.  I spent a great deal of time with my friend as a child running away from my mom.  Much later, when we found out about the MS, I was still avoiding my mother but my friend reminded me of all these great things about my mom, how she opened up the world to my friend.  This was a wonderful thing because I went back and spent some time with my Mom then, although not enough, before she lost the ability to communicate and I the chance to know her as an adult.

I started to wonder,  did she cast me out because I was not the same kind of activist as she was as an adult?  Yes, I am an activist today, but I reject the “liberals” of today.  One of the things I cherished about our friendship was how we could be so different in so many ways but appreciate those differences.  I believe in TOLERANCE.    Like, she was a big booster for MOVE ON and the Million Mom March against the war.  My way was to support the troops and the firefighters, something I could do that was tangible and straightforward, person to person.    I am not saying she was wrong or right on the issues, I am saying she may have been intolerant of other points of views or methods.  If I didn’t walk in lockstep with her, then I was just wrong and not worth the time of day. 

Where do I sit in the church?  At first I sat behind her husband, as the pew was empty and he seemed a bit alone.  The family was not around him.  I did hear some winds of discontent there, how he was kind of not accepted but not unaccepted.  This is their way.   So the sides of the church were getting kind of like a wedding, with the bride’s family on one side and the groom on the other.  In the back were a group of librarians, again sort of an insular group not welcoming anyone.  Then I thought it was too presumptuous for me to sit behind him, and I moved away to a sort of unseen nook.  He had been nice to me, but a little weird,  He  had announced that he was buying a pool table.  I didn’t have a reply except wow that sounds great, can you play pool?  I have no idea if she every told him anything about me good or bad.

As I was moving about, the minister or priest (I dunno) said something about does anyone know if anyone else is coming, and the church was pretty sparse for attendees, so everyone moved a little closer.  As I was moving, her brother caught my eye and made it clear that I should move up to sit with the family.  He brought me straight to her mother who was genuinely happy to see me.  All her family was happy to see me.  I sat between her brother and her niece, and recalled playing monopoly with her niece when I was 14 and she was 4. 

This is so twisted, right?  So bizarre.  This is practically MY family.  When people were invited up to speak, one woman was going on about how she was such an activist, activist, activist and I wanted to say- she wasn’t before she met me and my mom!  One spoke about her beat up car- I guess she got a license.

They talked about her new dog, Spot.  As I said before, we were both the kids who got beat up at recess, and we both tried not to be friends with the other “weird girl” but couldn’t help ourselves.  I had made the first move because she had this amazing, amazing dog,  a beautiful collie named Bonnie.  Bonnie ran off shortly after I met my friend, and everyone was utterly heartbroken.  She was a special dog.

Since she was the new girl, it had to be me who showed her how we could hide in the library during recess so as not to get beat up.  When they went on and on about her love of libraries I wanted to say because I showed her how to love libraries!  Not that she wasn’t a voracious and avid reader who completely surpassed my literary comprehension abilities, I learned from her as much or more than she did from me.

I did not speak at the memorial.  I just didn't know if it would help or hurt the grieving family, and none of her family spoke either. I took my cue from them.

She was the same person for those 18 years and had the same loves as I did, but she rejected me- to this extreme.  Why?

When she was diagnosed with MS, knowing my Mom had it, she still didn't break her silence? Even though I posted on her blog a few months later?

When she knew she was dying of brain cancer, she still didn't reach out to me? 

After the service I met her daughter and asked her how she knew I was her godmother- she said she remembered me, she remembered watching her favorite videos at my apartment.  This blew my mind in several ways, not least of which is that the thing I remember that started the end of our friendship was me snapping at her daughter about the VCR.  She didn’t remember me snapping at her.  She also remembered… visiting my mother!  ???   Did my friend take her daughter to visit my sick mom  even when she didn’t speak to me?  That would be a good thing, but again, so twisted for me.  I started to tell her daughter fun stories about her mom, starting with how we met.  As soon as I mentioned the dog, her daughter said “Bonnie”. 

!!!!!!!! I couldn’t help but blurt out “Your mom told you about Bonnie?”  This dog ran off in 1968! She said yes, that it was one of those unresolved issues in life that haunted her mother.

Again and again, what a mind and heart f*ck!  On one hand to have the connection with her daughter about Bonnie, but on the other, she knew so well the terrible pain of unresolved issues in life and still did this to me?  WHY?    I asked her daughter if her mom had seen my post on her blog in 2007 and her daughter said that her mom was out of it a lot of the time.  I wanted to say- even in 2007?  How far back?  Was this like my own mom who did strange things due to the MS?  But of course I did not ask.  It would be unkind to press her for those kind of details ar her mother’s memorial.  I said to her that I noticed her other godparents were not there,  (there are 3 of us) and wondered if she stayed in touch with anyone from those years.  I didn’t tell her I was hoping that she hadn’t, that maybe the real reason she abandoned me is because she abandoned everyone from those days to get away from her ex-husband.  But no, her other godparents now live in Cali, so they ahd seen them plenty out there.  Also, they had had a ceremony in California, this was just for the folks from Philadelphia who couldn’t make ti to Cali.  So… still  just me who was excommunicated.  

I stuck out in this crowd of librarians and Scottish family members.  I don’t think anyone else dyes their hair blond or drives a sports car…

So on my list of possible whys:

It probably isnt because I snapped at her daughter about the video

It probably isn’t to keep her child safe from her f*cked up father

It wasn’t something she shared with her family

Her daughter is going to live in a town that I go to a lot, in fact my Dad and I have been talking about getting a house there.  She’s living with her boyfriend while she finishes up her missing credits to get her degree.  I wanted to ask how she is managing but again, bit my tongue.  Instead I asked her to be in touch, gave her my card, practically begged her to get in touch- but hopefully without looking like some scary stalker.  She didn’t have her contact info handy, so I said it would be up to her. 

Once before I went to a wedding with a friend, an old man I adored.  It was his family’s wedding and the funny part is EVERYONE had his face.  It was like Zelig.  Even the bride, poor girl, had this same face.  That’s how it was at the memorial.  Everyone in the family had the same face as my friend, and not only that, the same odd mannerisms.  Mannerisms I treasure.  I could watch them like TV.  But I stopped myself from indulging, they do know they look alike and have the same mannerisms, voice, everything.  Her daughter is so much like her at that age I had to stop myself from talking to her like she was my friend- but then, she knew so much of what my friend knew, the dog, my Mom,… I would no more try to fit her daughter into her mother’s skin than I would try to do to my son.

I got into the whole breast cancer thing with her sisters after the daughter moved on to speak to others.  I also told her daughter that since my mom had MS and I have cancer, she can speak totally freely with me, not have to choose pretty words for ugly things.  I also told  her that I remembered what the minister said at her christening, that if her mother was unable to care for her, that it was the godparent’s responsibility to care for her moral upbringing.  All of this was said in happy loving tones, it was fun.

People started leaving about then, it was about 2.5 hours later, but I of course stayed on.  This was my only, only, only time to connect.  The family was going to dinner together, I wanted to go …it was like when I was a kid… I always wanted to go with them.  I tried to make contact with her husband but he was pretty tripped out by then, and I still have no idea if he knows anything about me.  I may be a complete stranger or a person he barely tolerates.  No way to tell.  He told me about the pool table, what can I say?

My car was OK, when I went outside some friends who passed by gave me that look… like I should have another car to suit them.  I have had that a lot in my life. (At one point I bought a second car that was more "acceptable".)

Again, a beautiful day, and lucky for me a friend in NJ was free for dinner.  You can imagine how much fun I was at that dinner.  I mean, I was OK but of course I kept going back to the memorial and what happened and stuff.

By this time I had also noted some effects of the radiation fatigue.  Seems like sometimes I can be my old self, but then when I burn the candle at both ends as I used to, there isn’t as much “give” in my body to handle it.  I was tired driving.  I know this is dangerous.

I made mistakes driving.

Naturally I was chewing on everything that happened on the drive home, another hour or two, a total about 6 hours of driving yesterday. 

Every time I get to what should be a resolution in my mind, having checked that I did the right things, tried my best and this was completely her choice and a rotten thing to do, that there is nothing more to do about it because she’s dead, it comes back.  Much like the cancer thing.

I just can’t believe this is my life.  I can’t believe this is how these particular plot lines go.  It’s like 9/11.   Am I dreaming this nightmare?  Then I would think of my son at home.  My beautiful wonderful fabulous boy, how lucky I am.  I try to take the good and leave the bad… her daughter remembers me fondly, there could be a future there, I know my friend had good days and good people around her at the end,  they said on her last days she would enjoy the sunsets in San Diego with her husband and daughter and dog…

I have to put the blame and shame and bad feelings on her, not me.  This was her doing, her choice and she absolutely knew better.  I have to assign this to her and stop blaming myself. It is a horrible thing she did and I still and always will love her, even still- because I am tolerant and loving.  Sometimes I think I feel her around me, like other people I love who died- but I tell myself no, in this case, it can't be her.  If she realized in heaven that she screwed up, it's just too late.  That's so sad it makes me nauseous.

Unsurprisingly, when I got home I was too wired to do what I should have: worked out early and gone to bed.  Instead I stayed up and farted around until nearly 11pm, ate a full meal then and got on the trainer for an hour, then passed out at like 3am.  This was completely stupid of me, but its how I act out, how I gave myself reflux disease and gained all the weight BEFORE cancer.  Today I feel like shit.  Of course it was hard to wake up for my beautiful son, and when he took his morning nap, so did I. But when he woke up, I couldn’t.  Radiation or cancer worry or coincidental aging has taken all the “give” out of my body.  The reflux made my throat sore, my glands swell ( I was so happy I had the stupid PET scan in March, so when I thought omigod my lymphnodes are swollen, I remembered and dismissed it.  Wonder what I will do next year.) my nose run etc etc… I was running around taking my temp worrying about having Swine Flu… or maybe its an allergic reaction to sitting next to her brother for those hours in the church- the stink of the cigarettes was so bad it was making me cough during the service… this is what happens to me when I am subjected to tobacco smoke… plus that damn radiation fatigue.  I am pretty sure it’s the radiation fatigue because of the deep, deep, deep unusual sleep in the afternoon.  Today two naps, meaning I put the kid for his nap, then wanted to get stuff done but the bed was calling me and I just could not resist.  (Know the feelin, eh?) Guess I did too much yesterday.  Worries me about the drive I plan to take with my kid on Wednesday.  Oh well.

I think I am also facing that I have to get more help with my kid.  Maybe I wouldn’t have if I didn’t get breast cancer, maybe I would have grown with him and be more able,  and/or maybe I would have more energy.  It’s OK, because I already did have a plan to get nannies who speak different languages to teach him.  I also have so much to do these day, to catch up on so much I want to do in life, and that will be good for both of us.  I need to get a life or when it comes tiem to leave him at school I will be one of those mothers who can’t let go.

My life continues and is what I make of it. 

I get “stress dreams” always have.  Like when I would dream I took a test in school before I took the test.  Sometimes it’s hard for me to separate dreams from reality, because I don’t realize I had the dream.  Like, it took me years to figure out that I was dreaming that my mother came to visit me and we went shopping, when she was clearly immobile in the nursing home.  This came I think from the nature of MS, and how frustrated I when the staff at the nursing home told me one day she freaked them out by suddenly speaking like a normal person.  WHAT DID SHE SAY?  They just shrugged.  No one thought to call me?  All this time not knowing what she was thinking and she finally speaks and no one asks her if she’s in pain, if she wants anything??? What did they do, talk about the weather???? Anyway, I realized then that sometimes I would dream something and not realize it didn’t really happen.  A fight with a friend.  A challenge met.   Once I dreamed I had killed my sister and buried her body and gotten away with it.   I really thought it had happened until I checked.

Last night I dreamed that I had killed my nanny and disposed of her body too.  As I was waking up – or trying to wake up- because my kid was crying for me,  I kept trying to remember WHY I killed her.  When I couldn’t find a reason I realized it was just a dream.

So there are memories I trust and memories I don’t trust.  In all these days I have been remembering so much in so much detail about my friend- and I found it interesting that I could not remember what she said to me on the phone when she ended our friendship.  I remember telling my Dad.  You’d think I would remember, considering I remember the words I said when I snapped at her daughter with the VCR.  I said “Don’t Touch That!”

Why can’t I remember that conversation?  Struggling to remember, I think maybe, maybe, maybe – and I will never know for sure- that she said something about how she couldn’t be the person she wanted to be as long as she had me to fall back on.  I think I had learned by that time in life that I had abandonment issues from being abandoned A LOT and that I couldn’t make people stay in my life if they wanted to go.  The best thing is to let them go and hope for the best.  I think what she was saying (in this memory I can not rely upon) is that my life and lifestyle just didn’t fit with her proletariat persona.  Even though she was the one who taught me about all the fancy society stuff, because her family was rich at one point and had lost all their money, she was the snob, I was the one who was open to everyone.  But she was now somehow “better” than me because I drove a sportscar and had some money- even though I was happy to share everything.  See, if I shared with her than she couldn’t be a suffering poor person.  I was wrecking her self image just by having my life, and being myself, helping her if she needed it, even if I was generous so I had to go.  This was the kind of thing that makes no sense to me, and I guess I thought that this was like when she found Jesus.  In high school she found Jesus because she had a crush on a guy in the New Life club, and she threw me out of her life because I was Jewish, and a hellion.

Some months later as she recounted to me, she found herself at the local mall handing out pamphlets and proselytizing, called her mother to pick her up and went home.  End of New Life club, came back to be a hellion with me, the gaudy fun Jewish girl.

I think I figured that we’d been so close and been through so much in 23 years, this would be the same.  It was such a load of pointless intolerant crap, it couldn’t possibly last- and besides, she gave me no alternative but to accept her decision to end our friendship.  This would be born out by what I saw at the memorial.  Only one kind of person there as friends, librarians who dress drab and call themselves “activists” without realizing that the new definition of “liberal” is NOT assumed in the word "activist".  There are activists for every kind of cause, including everything she (and I) disdain.  But hearing them speak like this maybe reminded me.  Instead of like Voltaire, defending to the death the free speech even of those who disagree with him, she just shut me out and off like a TV.   It just wont do for the proletariat in the beat up car with the MOVE ON stickers to be hanging around with a girl in her fancy sportscar.

But… I will never know if that’s it or not.  I don’t know if she said it or I dreamed it.

 All I know is that I did the best I could do, I was a good friend and I loved her and love her still, even though she did this horrible horrible thing.  

Thanks Renee for you reply.  I just didn't know.  I had been using the cremes, but, stopped because my skin was looking and feeling so good.  But, my radiation oncologist said to continue.  So, after reading your post, I will start and continue using the cremes again.  I just wasn't for sure if anyone still was or not.  And, how their skin was doing.  Thank you again and I hope your day goes well for you! 

Thank you Eadsla!  I have never heard of the Udderly Smooth.  Where do you get that at? Online or at a drug store?  Cute name, isn't it?  lol

And, I just started wearing a bra once in awhile.  It doesn't really hurt, but, it feels weird.  lol  I haven't worn one in so long.  Do you wear the underwire bras?  I know a lot don't, but, I like them the best.

I hope you have a great day!  Enjoy it!  And, thanks again for your reply! 

  Jeanne

I'm still using the creams -- off and on when I remember.  I was shocked when I felt my skin --- it's still hot!!!!  Feel your tummy, and then feel your radiated chest.  Mine is still hot.  I put the cream on last night, and it soaked in so fast -- not like when I was all burnt and it just laid on the top.  So I'm going to continue using the creams for a while yet.

And, has anyone changed their diet?  Started eating healthier?  I have read so much as to why it

would be a good thing to do it, but, I am such a junk food junkie, that it will be hard.  I am anxious

to hear if any of you have changed your eating habits and how you are doing.  thanks! 

 Jeanne

It sounds like you had a good w/e Rachel. I am glad your friend's family accepted you. It is a mystery how the mind works. I remember certain things around the time I was 3-4. Hoewever my sister does not remember anything prior to being 7. ( My mom died a week before her 7th B'day) She has erased our mother's struggles with cancer. For me cancer has always been a part of my life. My dad's Grandma and two aunts died form cancer, of course my mom, my uncle had cancer of the esophagus and stomach and survived, my aunt had melanoma.

Yes my radiated breast is now itchy and sore. I get shooting pains from my back to the front all in the area of radiation. I still use the cream and cocoa butter.

Only 7 more days of work!!!! then summer vacation.( Yes I am counting down the days.)

Racheal you must be a strong woman. You survived 9/11 and now cancer. One of the students I work with his mom "died" from complications to PTSD from 9/11. They lived down the street or were close enought o see it all happen.

Hi Renee - You can still get ovarian cancer, even if your ovaries are removed, just like you can

still get breast cancer, even if you have a mastectomy.  There is no way that any surgeon can

ever remove all of the tissue.  That is why they say that your chances of a recurrence or survival

rate is the same with a mastectomy or a lumpectomy.  I am sure that poor women was shocked

though.  I would imagine that is rare. 

  Jeanne

Jeanne - -

I still use the cream, but only about once a week just becauseit's on the counter.  My skin is also like babies skin.  Part of me doesn't want to go in for the replacement surgery because I don't want to change the skin.  I have to wait till November anyway, 6 months after rad's were done.

I, like you, have questions regarding my diet.  Has anyone found a good source for this?  My tumor was ER/PR reactive (89/85) so I cannot have any soy (estrogen producers).  Any suggestions would be appreciated.  I found out from another thread that I am not suppose to eat or drink grapefruit juice while on Tamoxifen.  I just found out that from looking around....what else am I missing?

Your help appreciated.  Kristi