Starting Chemo May 2008

hmm had to skip a little reading, tired and off to bed. herceptin today. Tomorrow I will fill u in on the minor issue with my ears that I know now is chemo related...

Rock? Angry? Seriously?????? FUCK THAT NOISE! U r better off without that dude. 

I have heard that noise, and it stinks!  I get labelled angry all the time... so, not to compare myself to you... but I HEAR THAT!!!

In New York, me u and my Rachel can stunt around the island being all angry and shit... and laugh our asses off.... 

Eddie, Burlington Vermont and Montreal you mean? I may be able to swing Montreal. I will check on it tomorrow. 

Love to all... boobs and no boobs alike... 

xoN

Rock - "Mr. Crush" sucks!!  I think we shall rename him "Mr. Crappola" as he obviously has NO taste whatsoever!  (BTW, there is a video of Eddie's Adam in the http://www.westseattleblog.com/) [I didn't do the link, by the way, computer did.]

Noelle - What minor ear thing?!

I am no help on the itchy/rashy skin thing.  But I still find myself being more protective than usual with being in the sun.  Speaking of weird issues, is anyone still having swelling/pain around scar tissue after radiation?  I still have noticeable pain in the SNB scar (not so much for the lumpectomy) and am still having tingling in my upper arm that radiates down to my wrist, particularly when I leave my arm in a certain position.  I was supposed to see my surgeon for f/u this week, but last week they rescheduled for July.  It was not as bothersome last week.  <Sigh>

Man, is everybody D.A.T. still?  (except you retirees!)  I get to this time of night and am lucky if I remember my name...guess that's my cue.

I must admit I smiled when I read your post, RanD..like you'd been on the turps in the sun at the races all day, and were then trying to sit and talk sense to a venerable family matriach you had not expected to...bump..into. I'm glad the fecker cancer has not robbed you of your nine-inch-nails. Who are these fecking medicos to tell you how it's going to be??!@#@!  Noelle, I think we've got a new, updated version of, "FOR FECKS SAKE!!!:". It's "Fuck THAT noise!!". I love it..and I laughed (so it hurt, literally) at the vision I got of the three of you roaming around NY and being angryangry..ohhhh angry. Now that's a place I know pretty well. Rock, I honestly don't get the NERVE of someone to tell you that you are 'angry'. It's such an intimate thing to say to someone. I remember my hub being positively smokin when I was I was diagnosed..like I'd done something really wrong. I was frightened and I said, "You're so angry. Please don't be so angry.", and he then cried like a baby. Feck..what a fecking adventure cancer-world is.   Today I am sitting up in bed with my new boobs. It's been raining all day here, so it's kind of nice to be in bed.  This procedure is the way to go, I feel. So long as there is enough skin to cover everything over. The external obliques are cut across (inside the skin..she went down through the mastectomy incision-site) and then folded up over the bottom half of the implant. The top half of the implant sits in behind the pec. Then the skin is kind of heaved up to close the mastectomy cut up again..so yeah, there is a LITTLE tummy-tuck..about an inch..I can see the under-breast fold line sitting up the breast about an inch. All that will go away, of course. How do they feel? Well, at the moment they feel tight, and my rib cage feels raw, which it literally is. If I inadvertently use a 'stomach muscle', I just about die. But..we GET the pain thing, don't we. They feel warm and look amazing, but I don't have a lot of sensation. Maybe there will be more in a month or so..not on my right side..too much nerve damage last year.  I just cannot believe what a boost this has given me. I was beastly careless about it before, really. But I'm realizing just how much I hated big breasts, and even MORE how I hated just having one big one. I know it's only early days but I am thinking a lot about the tissue expander route, and the 7/8/9 hour surgeries..WHO exactly is THAT all about?? I have this creeping sadness that it's about the BF plastic surgeons working on afraid and traumatised women. Well, fuck THAT noise as well. This surgery was three hours (less if I'd already had a bi-lat instead of a uni), and my tum is intact for further strengthening. I will never have to wear a bra again, but I am BF going in to buy a piece of nothingness as soon as the swelling eases off! Jen, get on that bike. We all have a lot of living to do yet. !! Love y'all..I can feel you here on my bed checking out the new tits, and we're talking softly to sleepy Ran and raw Eyes. XXX

I love you all. You make me laugh and cry. My cousin, Amber, just created a "boobie around the world" bra for a fund raiser but I can't, for the life of me insert it. Here is the paper she wrote with it.

The Journey

Dedicated to women I love: Eddie, Donna and Audrey

Written by Amber Ziring

This bra is inspired by the journey we take through breast cancer and beyond. I say "we," not because I have personally had breast cancer, but because three of the most important women in my life have. And while their experiences are indescribable to someone who has not lived it, everyone connected to breast cancer walks on this path in their own way.

Our journey begins without time to pack, prepare or decide. There is no way to predict that your journey will begin that day: all you know is that everything you understood has vanished, you are in a dark and lonely place where there is no path. With no preparation, direction or plan the journey of a life time begins.

Like arriving at the airport only to find your NEEDED luggage has been lost, those on the breast cancer journey begin to learn about what is and is not truly necessary: control, hair, a breast. We learn to rely on Cancer Bullies despite childhood lessons teaching us to play nice. We rely on our support network, even on the days we push them farther than we know we should. We rely on ourselves, knowing we will make it, even when we think we can't.

On the hot, dusty days in the desert we are sometimes given crackers and Coke when what we really needed was water. But we keep going. Some of us write home of our adventures and some of us keep our journey to ourselves. We learn that journeys demand us to be strong, even when we have no desire to be. We do things we aren't proud of and hope it won't be noticed while we are in this faraway land. But as we move from the dark abyss of unplanned travel, we begin to see colors and perspectives previously lost on us.

Some of us arrive at the end of the journey, wrap up that time in our life and never look back. Some of us change in ways we never imagined: pushing ourselves into new adventures so we can live once we have survived. Some of us are lost at sea, but never forgotten. But we have all taken an amazing journey.

I am TRYING to get the picture in...it's in my documents and it's a jpg...anyone help?

Kerry and Jean, yeah for overnighters and I'm so glad your feeling better. Yes my surgery was extremely long and the tissue expander was the pits. But I must admit, ditching that thing was the best part of the whole procedure! Even on my way home yesterday (4 days post surgery) I was asking myself why I endured all this. I did get the entire tummy tuck but have much more healing time to go. I have opted for no pain meds. The last surgery I had, the narcotics ripped me up so I'm doing this all with tylenol and it hasn't been that bad. I'm so happy that yours and Jeans surgery went so well and that you were only in one night. I knew going into this that the road to recovery would be longer for me. 

I have slight sensation in my breast mainly because my stomach tissue is alive and breathing on its own. Amazing what they can do. My incisions are all open and my body looks like a roadmap to hell! I'm just so glad to have MRI's down the road and no more mammos.

Noelle, your embellished trip to NY with Rock cracked me up and it hurts to laugh. Hope your ear issue is only temporary.

Jen, thanks for the card and no, I don't have the sun reaction from herceptin but like Jean, I'm using hi-powered spf.

Rock, let us know how your sisters are doing. Know that we are with you and them. And by the way, the crush, WHAT A DICK...need I say more. 

RandD and Eyes, I'm kinda weak but will give you all my strength, just know you are loved and we care so much for you.

Christine, your youngest is so cute, we all hate cancer!

Eddie, your son Adam is a man beyond his years. You should be so proud. We are! 

Adrienne, Julie, Otter, Eddie, Linda, Kristy and all my pals, thanks for your kind words of wisdom and just being here.

I've just been reading and thinking and absorbing all the love and goodwill.  There's nothing I can add that would improve on what has already been said.  So, I'll just lean in and support what y'all have posted.

Eddie, your long post on the previous page came at just the right time (and today's essay by your cousin was a wonderful follow-up).  I think I was feeling a bit panicky yesterday for some reason--don't know why, exactly, because everything is going fine for me.  It just happened. I managed to divert the feeling by making myself really busy; or maybe it just went away on its own. I think what I was feeling was in empathy with my sisters on this thread.

There is a short story by Ursula Le Guin in which space explorers are provided with teams of cloned workers. Each person in the cloned team has his/her own individual training and responsibilities; but all the members of the team seem to communicate telepathically (which helps with coordinating the work) and can "feel" what the other members of the clone are feeling.

Sometimes I feel that close to all of you.

otter 

Does everybody know it's Karin's birthday today?  Has anyone heard from her lately?

(If you're reading this, Karin:  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!)

Hugs...

otter 

love to all!! laughed at Kerry, cried for RanD. Getting ear irrigated tonight. Have not been able to hear right for 3 days. Onco at 3 month check up yesterday said it is likely unrelated to chemo...

 but then she looked and said the

ear canal was really blocked with wax and such... and that usually the little hairs in your ear take care of that... HAIR! HAIR! hmmm doctor... do you think that since every HAIR on my freakin body has left or changed since chemo started that the HAIR in my ears might be affected???

 hmmmm?????

GRRRRR!

anyway.. 24 hours of ear wax oils and such have improved it by about 15 % so I going to the docs..since I am flying out on Friday at 8am I am not flying like this... Birthday smooches to Karin!

 xoxoxo

Happy Birthday Karin....You must be so busy winding down to the last few days of school.

Kerry, your kitties must have missed you. Thet're jumping for joy!

Noelle, so glad your hearing has improved. Cancer sucks! Who needs nostril and ear hair trimmers. Shite!

Love the bra! 

Karin - hope you were out celebrating and enjoying the day!  Rock's birthday is Saturday so we will need to start the party early since she is ahead of us time-wise.  We can make it a continuation of the "Happy New Boob Day" parties going on for Roxi, Kerry and Jean.  I'm so happy everyone is happy with their results.

Cris - I still have some weird pains at the lumpectomy and SNB sites. If I wear a sports bra it pushes everything together and hurts the lump.  A different bra has some lace that rubs wrong on my ribs and in the radiation area.  The SNB area still just has kind of a numb feeling still - don't feel anything when I shave.

Noelle - I never would have even thought about the little hair in our ears being gone.  That just sucks.

Eddie - your cousin's paper was great.  That would be nice to give to new people starting out with bc.  And I loved the bra.  Is the cup size "G" for global?  I also watched the video clip of Adam.  Wow - what an amazing kid with such a bright future.  You did good, mom!

RanD -  sorry you had such a hard day.  Where is the compassion in the medical profession?  I just don't understand.

Kerry, Roxi and Jean - thank you for sharing your surgery experiences. It shows me even more how special you are to get through it.  Kerry, I also loved hearing about your kitty's escapades.  I could see the whole room in my mind.

Jen - you ride girl.  I'm thinking about getting a bike or we might refurbish my mom's. 

Otter - thanks for the tech lesson of the day.  I love that you know how to do all of that stuff.

I went to try on clothes today for vacation and I should have been up and doing something instead of playing here.  I still look pretty bland in white and khaki.  I might need to do a quick job with the sunless tanner before the family photos.  Also had to try to convince 13-yo that black nail polish won't be appropriate for above said photo.  They are her nails, you know.  Younger dd thinks she is ready to enter the world of flat irons.  We all had our hair cut today.  She looks like a teenager now instead of a 10yo.  I had my 2nd hair cut.  I'm hoping the curls are still here.

Eyes and Sue - how are you?

Hugs to everyone - Julie

Not sure where I've been or where I'm going but my wonderful husband says you should think this..."today is a good day".  So simple but it works for me.  So my thought for today...

I ate from my garden....today is a good day.

Karin-I hope that you had a wonderful birthday!  (It was also oldest DD's bd--I can't believe that she is 29, (going on 10).  I hope that your day was everything that you wanted it to be-You deserve it!

Glad that everyone is doing so well after their surgeries! 

Work has been, well, work.  It is hard adjusting to again to 12 hour shifts, but I will.  All day long I hear  "You look so good" or  "Look at your hair-it's growing back and you look so cute", fortunately, it is usually followed by "I am glad you are back and that you are doing so good".  I know that they mean well. 

Still have the space invaders (I love that!)

Love to everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!

Glorious morning to each of you ladies! Nice and cool this morning here in ohio.

Karin I hope you got your birthday wishes on FB!

Rock~ Happy birthday to you my dear! You made this last year alot more bearable :O)

I also get the SNB aches occasionally. My scar is extremely tender in that area. I'm looking to the one day where I feel normal all over.

Hello again!

Gracie- How many days a week are you pulling those 12 hour shifts? What type of unit do you work on? I work at an Urgent Care that is usually very busy, the 12's kicked my butt.  I'm part time, do a combo of 8, 9, 10 hour shifts.  Management has been very flexible.

All those strawberries - 24 quarts, did you get them all, freeze some, make jam? That reminds me, I am almost out of strawberry jam so that needs to get on my grocery list.

How many weeks post op are you?  And how's it working out having the oldest DD/Granddaughter there?  Is this the DD that gets on DH's computer all the time?

Sable - You could slowly get back into biking by getting a "comfort bike".  That's more my speed.  Is the Effexor the thing that's doing the job in contolling the HF? I think I mentioned to you before accupuncture, how it helped so dramatically. If you can get past the needles in your skin (it does not hurt) the time on the table is relaxing and the outcome far exceeded my expectations.

How's summer break starting out for your little guy?  Enjoy the extra time with him!

My trip back to Columbus is June 23-July 1. DH has only been there with me once in our 20+ years together and has agreed to join me.  DD will come also but for a shorter period of time as she she commitments here at home. The main event is my niece's wedding however the days are rapidly filling up with things to do and family to visit.  That being said, I am not going to be able to get together with you this time. I'm sorry

Adrienne- Hurray for your wonderful husband, and for your garden!  What did you eat?  Around here the liliacs just bloomed last week.  It's been rainy and cold.  The tomato seeds have sprouted (inside).  If we are lucky we'll have tomatoes in 60-90 days.

How close to Eddie do you live that you were able to see her on the news?  That blog article was wonderful re:Eddie and Adam.

I saw you "just for fun" photos on FB.  The rock with with smile - Did you keep it?  Immediately I thought of our CD, especially "Don't worry, be happy" and Kermit singing about Rainbows.

Kerry - LMAO trying to picture 19 women sharing space on your bed checking out your new tits, your DH walking in having that WTF look on his face.  Do you have a picture of your orange sugar glider cat?  Thanks for your comments and descriptions of the surgery.  As one going into the recon later this year I crave the honesty. That procedure only took 3 hours?  Hooray for your new girls and slightly trimmer tummy!