Facing the Future

Dreamwriter, Alot of my friends got scared when I started chemo too.

I wish I had found help before surgery. But I did not think people are

scared to go in the cancer clinic too. I'm not understanding why people

are scared of cancer. I will be praying for your person alone. That God will

give him peace.

Every day I have thoughts of the unknown, is that normal when you have been threw

so much with cancer and tests, Thanks.

I think its really normal and to be expected. Try not to be weighed down too much by it though, spending too much time thinking of/worrying about the future and unknows means losing time for enjoying today and all it has to offer.

Hugs Foot

We do spend more time consoling others and it sucks.

LynnW, I feel your hurt for your husband.  Isn't it just like us to still try and support others despite our own needs.  Your husband is lucky to have you.  Is there any possibility that, one last attempt at "control", you might be able to share your fears with his son and/or his brothers?  Get them to reach out to him.  We know men can be clueless and he may need another man to talk it out but they won't know if he won't open up. 

HUGE hugs LynnW---and here's my story:
I am my dh's best friend--which means he doesn't have a man bf. Tho he has lots of men friends, few if any of them TALK about "your wife is gonna die"  I think they just get together to play poker & forget the realities of their respective lives.

I have worried & planned & prayed & thought about "after I'm gone" & how he'll sit in this huge old house & rot----I considered: when SHOULD I die? I thought--not while the kids are in HS! Too young! Then I thought, but if they are in college that would mean everyone would be away & alone! The longer I considered this the more upset I got........then I prayed. I have come to the realization that no matter how much I work at it, I DO NOT know the best plan for them after I am gone! The grace is in the prayer answered--I have let this go & no longer feel it is my resposibility to get things set up for this scenario-------big hugs----this journey sure does suck sometimes!

Saint, I ditto Genia's thoughts - you are amazing as are all of you.

Blessings.

Thank you Dream.....I needed to hear that!  Cause many days I don't wanna do this anymore.

hugsssss

My husband tells me often that I spend too much time worrying about him, how he will cope after I'm dead.  Over the past year we have learned to talk about it in casual conversation, even how I can't die until I teach him to make biscuits.  This spring he said I had to teach him which were weeds and which were flowers if I expected him to keep my gardens after I die.  He is lucky that our grown sons live nearby, but he thinks they will try to tell him what to do after I'm gone!  I guess he thinks that if I'm not here to tell him what to do, the kids will assume he's incompetent.  I'm gradually coming to the realization that it will never be the right time to die (spring?  there's plenty to do.  summer?  will he bother to plant tomatoes?  fall?  beautiful, but death in the air.... winter? depressing all around, will he drink too much because he's inside?)  And I don't have any control anyway.  But people have been doing this for a long, long time, and those who remain almost always pick up the pieces and keep on living.  They're all going to be ok.

I agree with Saint. I have stopped worrying about how my family will survive without me. I know they will be just fine. 

My goal is to give my children all the tools I can while I am alive to be a great human beings.

My husband will find his way. I will have everything ready so that the days after my death will be eaiser...

Funny,  I even toyed with the idea to find him a mate...That was stupid.

You ladies are so wise - you are all my heroes!

I have done this as well to some extent,  My husband and I have even talked about it a bit, until I realized that it was too upsetting for him.  Really my main concern is not my husband getting remarried, although I hope he does if that is his wish.  My concern is how that will affect my kids and their relationship with their dad.  I do not want my kids to think that they are being disloyal to me if they form a fantastic relationship with another mom figure.  I have even talked about this in their journals, and I plan to keep talking about it.   To me a mom figure in their lives, even tho it isn't me, is better than no mom figure. 

I told dh I want to pick out a new wife for him... the impt thing is that she deserves him & even more impt that she deserves my kids.  Have talked to my best friend about it & made her promise to keep him from doing anything stupid. 

I had a fun-filled morning at the wound center today getting my chest treated where my skin mets are horrible, and then to the onc to get my Levanox (??) shot for my brand-spankin' new blood clot... on the way home dh & I passed a HUGE funeral procession.  I told him I do NOT want anything like that at all... that was about the end of the conversation, but it's out there.  Oh, and a very uncomfy moment w/ the doc at the wound center ~ he started talking about sending me to a plastic surgeon to do a skin graft from my back to replace the damaged skin on my chest... dh & I were sort of "er, ah, um, uh...." not sure what to say & then the doc asked dh "does she have mets anywhere else, or just the skin?" and dh told him "yes, many places" and you could see the doc's face fall.  He was all over himself apologizing for suggesting major surgery ~ almost had to feel sorry for him (he truly was wonderful to me, wasn't actually an oaf, just made a wrong assumption) but it was all I could do to not burst out into tears when the reality of it actually hit me... that I'm at the point where they are just trying to keep me going a while longer, not actually fix anything else.  It's been a bad week for me... my scans Tue sucked.  It has now gone all over my lungs, I have a lovely blood clot by my liver, all of the nodes that were already positive have grown, and all kinds of new ones now.  Also pleural effusion, altho they claim I wouldn't have symptoms from it yet... but I am soooo exhausted all the time I can't help but wonder if that's contributing to it?  It's so hard to be positive when I'm so exhausted & pitiful!

Someone here directed me to a site called mywonderfullife.  I've gone and completed a major portion of my "book."  I've selected my "angels" in my mind, but I haven't sent their e-mail addresses to the site.  I'm, waiting until I'm closer to the end for that as to not upset everyone.  I did tell my pastor's daughter as there is a song I want her to play at my memorial service and I bought the sheet music for her to learn.  She is one of my "angels"  I told her that she had a long time to learn it.

I've also thought about my husband's "next wife."  He has a friend he works with whose first wife died of breast cancer.  He remarried and his second wife is now a 5 year survivor.  I asked my DH if he thought Tim loved Joanie as much he loved his first wife.  He said that he imagined he did.  That really bothers me.  I don't want my husband to love someone else as much as he loved me (or at least as much as he says he loves me).  Is it wrong to think this way? I actually think he will end up with one of his co-workers who also lives around the corner from us.  She's a great lady and would make a great companion for him.  I don't think either of them have thought about it, but I think it will just follow its course after I'm gone.

I never got married cause I was busy taking care of my family

fighting cancer. Alot of my boyfriends didnt want to deal with

cancer and we broke up. I have alot of male friends, but at 55

I want to enjoy life when I can. Hi Vicki, I will be praying for you, Debbie