Facing the Future

HUGS ALL--agreed Brenda! I am not afraid of dying, but I don't like to think of the way it will happen or how long it will take. I have repeatedly told my loved ones if I die suddenly (like in a car accident) not to take it too hard cuz I would prefer that to what is more likely to happen!

Talked to Dream tonight--she is doing well-stil not sure when she will be released. As for moi: Visit to rads doc is "inconclusive" for tx! I want him to PROVE to me that rads is the only tx so he put me on steroids (oh joy , oh rapture!) IF they control the pain he feels that is proof that I have a tumor in my back that is compressing a nerve. I guess that is preferable to  having a hip replacement which was one of the possibilities.....I will keep you posted!

HUGS - be well & stay strong 

Jane - your story was very inspiring.  Thank God your SIL had you as an advocate and that you were able to fire the doc and get her some pain relief.  There is no reason on earth that someone should have to suffer from pain.  I hope and pray I will have a fierce advocate for me when the time comes.  Your SIL's doc should be forced to watch a family member in pain at the end of life. Maybe he will rethink his position after that.  Pain relief should have nothing to do with religion.  I hope I haven't offended anyone.

Thank you for all of your kind words.  While we are all aching and missing her, knowing she is out of pain and finished with her suffering makes us happy for her, and sad for all of us who will so miss her.  Several days before she passed, she said she heard Morris (her deceased husband) calling for her, but she was not ready yet.  I think they had one of the most beautiful marriages I have ever enountered, and were into ballroom dancing--and everytime I get that pain of sadness, I think of them elegantly dancing together once again, in the Rainbow Room up in Heaven.

Lisa, I too have a "stash"--I learned a whole lot when I was doing my own IV anti-biotics at home when I had Lyme Disease. 

This was the second time I spent the last days with a loved one--I lost one of my best friends to this beast four years ago, but it was so different.  When no treatments were working anymore, she went home and had hospice. They were so so fabulous.  It was just before Christmas, one of her favorite holidays, and we set up her hospital bed in the dining room and put the Christmas tree in there. 

She had no pain or discomfort whatsoever.  She had oral morphine, fentanyl patches and pops at the first sign of any disomfort.  Her two dogs curled up in her bed with her and snuggled, and she was surrounded by family and friends 24/7--we had a schedule so she was never alone and so her husband could take a break and get out for a few hours.  A few days before she passed, she promised to give me a sign that she was okay when she got to the otherside.

She passed gently in her sleep just after New Years.

My cocker just loved her and since she is a therapy dog we had gone to visit her in the hospital everyday,and they became very close. 

Several days after she became an Angel, the doorbell rang at 3:00 am.  Usually my cocker goes crazy barking like a fool when the doorbell rings, anytime night or day.  But she got up and ran downstairs to the door, wagging her stubby tail at the door, so so happy.  I went downstairs, no one was there, and said is that Aunt Lib telling us she is okay?  Betsy just keep wagging and making happy sounds--I may be a little off, but I know that was Lib, giving me a sign that indeed, all was well on the other side and we need not worry about her.

Remember, this is the dog that "bit" and "dug into" my boob producing a hematoma when the 8mm tumor did not show up on the mamo--well, thanks to her, I had a huge hematoma around that little beasty tumor which would have gone unrecognized until it became quite a big bigger and possibly spread! 

I may have shared this before, but I guess I am in a very emotional mood, and I do find comfort in the Poem Lib wrote when the onc told her she would probably be gone soon:

There's time for everything, it seems,

But running barefoot with a friend,

Collecting moments. . . . . .

Fragile as wildflowers,

To hold against reality,

Left until tomorrow. . . or next year,

Where will we be if,

Turning to find each other,

We find instead that we are out of touch. . . . . .

And out of time.  

Lizbeth R. Payene

I guess especially since being diagnosed with breast cancer myself, I think of these words everyday--and remember to stay in touch, and tell all that I love that I love them everyday.

God bless you all and hold you gently in His arms.

My update----steroids are working so that means rads! Will know all about it Tues.

Had a long talk with onc today---plan to stay the present course with tx & see scans in June. I never have trusted bone scans--the size on the film is too gross to measure whether or not there is progression so I have no way of knowing WHEN this tumor swelled enough to compress my nerve. We will choose a site in my bones to monitor for size changes & do a CT or MRI in the future.....so yeah to one less scan every 3 months (maybe my Circulating Cell Test WAS right on!) 

Happy weekend-be well & stay strong 

Where to begin......  I am not afraid to die as I have a strong faith in God.  I am selfish and I want more time with my family. My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been married 22 years and he is still the love of my life he Rocks my world daily.. We have twin daughters that are 11yrs old they are also my world. I am trying to face the fact I will not grow old with my husband and I wont see my daughters graduate nor be at their weddings nor see my grandchildren and I am HEARTBROKEN . I cant talk to anyone in my family or circle of friends because they are all in denial everytime I try they say youll be fine your not going anywhere or they fall apart. Im always picking them up emotionally and I reallly need to fall apart for a moment. I appreciate this pace where I can rant and you all know exactly what I*m talking about Thank You for listening

Denisala,

Come here and rant anytime you want, we are all here to listen and help if we can.  I admit that I am terrified of dying itself and of the process.  

Each day I live with mets horribly and I live with it wonderfully, and everything in between.  I am overwhelmed with beauty and sadness.  I am brought to my knees by pain and sorrow, and feel transported with a joy I have never known.

 I pray each and every day that I can somehow get up and do it all again.  

I know that I will continue to be this way, and hope that as the illness progresses I don't lose all of the joy.   

sweet Genia, I am so glad you are here....we all need a place to express our thoughts and concerns and fears about cancer and the fact that our mortality is ever present.

Know we are here for you.

I am done mourning for my future too. I know that my family will be okay with out me. I am going to do everything I can to help them while I walk this earth.

My goal is to try to forget I have cancer most days.

Pookie---huge hugs--beautifully said!

Fitz & dream--I am with you!

denisala---none of us knows out "expiration date."  Tho I understand your fear & frustration, I BELIEVE our kids hold us here way beyond what science could ever explain---try to believe it too, hon....... 

BC does suc, but at the risk of offending those who hate these words--there is SO much I have learned on this journey that would have taken years, or I may NEVER have gotten had bc never entered my life!!!  I think in many ways I am close to who I have always wished I'd be.......I know I am happier (& more self-indulgent) but things feel "right" so much of the time. Acceptance is a gift; as is Wisdom........I pray, like Pookie, that my joy & vision don't dwindle with the inevitable advancement of the beast......slow progression/slow decline.......time, time, time.

HUGS--be well & stay strong 

You go Dream.....way to think g/f!!!

Always room for one more.

Thank you! Dream, You have alot of very special and caing people.You are one of them

Dream, he has you.