Putting up a False Brave Front
5 months ago I tested positive for Stage II DCIS - invasive. It still seems so surreal. Typically, I have been a very healthy & emotionally strong individual. I have 6 sisters- all Cancer free (thank god). This has been the first diagnosis of Breast Cancer in my immediate family. I went in for what I thought was a routine mammogram- I had no lump on my breast. Thus far- I have had 2 surgeries and I currently just finished my 2nd week of radiation. I put up a brave front and for the most part I feel fine, however, emotionally it has taken its toll on me! I am a single parent and I work full time. My mom was diagnosed with Lung Cancer a few weeks after I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Unfortunately, she is not doing so well. I have felt so bad about not being there to help my siblings care for her. This has also caused some dissension and bad feelings among my peers - I just want to scream at them and shout - "where do you think I have been these last 5 months? This last week really was the worst - I left work to go to my radiation appt. and I was running late. Earlier in the day I received a letter in the mail from my siblings in regards to making pre-funeral arrangements for my mother. By the time I got to my radiation appt. (10 min late) I had an emotional melt down. As I laid down on the radiation table - I could not keep the tears from flowing.- I was so grief stricken. I also came to the realization that this is what has become of my life. I realize we all have bumps in the road of life and this is just mine. Frankly, right now, I don't want to put up a brave front, I don't want to remain positive, I just want to grieve, I want to scream, I want to be angry.
Comments
-
Ocean - go right ahead and vent - we are here for you. You've got so much on your plate, don't add guilt to your burdens.........I'm so sorry about your mom, and I'll be praying that you get through this dark period with the help of God's angels.
-
Oceanblue, sorry we have to meet this way but thankful that you have found your way here as here is where you will find the support you need.
You want to grieve, scream and be angry - girl, go ahead. You are no less brave because of it. You have walked this journey for 5 months by yourself and you don't have to apologize to anyone for taking care of yourself. Your sisters are suffering emotionally through your mom but you are not only suffering the same but also walking the cancer journey yourself.
As a single parent (I am also although my boys are now grown) you have had to be strong and running on auto-pilot and for this reason your sisters just don't see or understand your need. But you are not responsible for their insensitivity to that. You may need to talk to your siblings and let them know that although you are on-board with your mom's issues, that you need to get through the next few weeks of your own tx first. If they think that is selfish, so be it, they will survive.
-
Why the heck are your siblings more concerned with your Mom's funeral arrangements than with your Mom (who i assume is still alive) or with you?
I
No wonder you're stressed! I say, attend to yourself, be there for you Mom and let your sibs twist in the wind. If you get any more letters, presumably them telling you what they want you to do- send'em back!
-
Dear Oceanblue, sounds like you are one of life's great coping people, and you know what, sometimes other people aren't very happy when you are not able to do the usual superstar stuff because that means they might have to do a bit more themselves.
I should imagine you are pretty tired and frazzled right now and it would really be very odd if you didn't feel like crying and venting. Sounds to me like you have done a wonderful job of coping with a whole basket full of bad news and it is very hard to look after a child and continue with your work. I really admire you - I am single and have only me to worry about and that is quite enough to deal with for me.
I am so sorry that your Mum is so ill. This is a very very hard time for you and at the moment your life is presenting little to show you hope for the future. With all this going on, I am not surprised you burst into tears on the table. You had a really, really crap day.
But know this - you are a brave and wonderful person, and it is entirely possible that life will get better. Amidst all this crap, please please know, there will be good things at some point. There isn't some sort of universal rule in stone designed to make your life shitty forever. Who can say when a good thing will come, but I believe it will. I believe it for you, I believe it for me, and I believe it holding a metaphorical hand with the wonderful people on this site.
Like you I really wasn't expecting the diagnosis I recenty got. I have been all over the place emotionally. I still will be going forward I'm sure. But today for a few hourr, for whatever reason I just did feel happy. Probably tomorrow I'll feel differently, for no particular tangible reason.
This entire thing is a bloody rollercoaster. But across 3,000 odd ocean miles, I send you warm thoughts and admiration - I salute your fortitude and send you all my love -
-
Oceanblue,
You are going through so much. No wonder you had to cry. Crying was the best thing you could do. My father died of cancer one year ago this April. Then I was diagnosed in the Autumn. I cann't imagine dealing with both traumas simultaneously.
It sounds like you've been outwardly coping so well that your sisters are clueless about the feelings of fear and vulnerability that you are feeling. I know that I find myself skittish about many things these days.
My prayers are with you.
-
Oceanblue, I can identify so much with that battered feeling. I was diagnosed with BC only 3 months after my closest sister died of a brain tumor and 6 months after my father died. My mother died 4 months after I finished treatment. All three of them had protracted deaths that exhausted my brothers and sisters and me. My siblings had nothing left for me when it came time for my treatment.
While I was going through chemo, one of my sisters called me to go to the ER with my mother because she was exhausted. She was, but I got to the point where I was dizzy with fatigue, and had to call her to come after I'd been there just a few hours.
With my mother's death, I didn't so much grieve as go through PTSD. There's only so much a person can take in at one time.
You're going to be tired from radiation, tired from the stress of having BC, tired from the worry and grieving over your mother. You don't need to be worried about living up to your siblings' expectations. I'll be charitable and say they could be so afraid for you, too, that they're ducking their heads in the sand and expecting you to act "normal."
It would be nice if they could understand what you're going through and try to empathize, but at the very least, you're the one who has to draw the line and say they don't know what you're going through, and while you can understand why they can't help you while your mother is dying, they have to accept the fact that you just can't operate as usual.
Then find other things and people to nurture you -- here, support groups, meditation, church -- whatever helps. One of my sisters-in-law was very supportive, and I took anti-depressants and treated myself to a massage once a week. I also kept exercising as much as possible -- swimming and walking. And I also gave myself permission to let a lot of things go. This kind of self-care isn't selfish -- it's really important for your health and recovery.
My mother died in Jan. 2008, and it was just last fall when I finally started feeling better, but it did come. I grieve now, but it isn't that unhealthy feeling of being beaten down.
This is a dark season for you, but it is just that, a season. Have faith that the day will come when you will feel better. You'll be in my thoughts..
Max
-
maxgirl, u had such a hard time! i think your story truly inspiring!and ocean, remember that things will get better, and it's completely normal 2 have all these feelings.
Categories
- All Categories
- 679 Advocacy and Fund-Raising
- 289 Advocacy
- 68 I've Donated to Breastcancer.org in honor of....
- Test
- 322 Walks, Runs and Fundraising Events for Breastcancer.org
- 5.6K Community Connections
- 282 Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 53 Australians and New Zealanders Affected by Breast Cancer
- 208 Black Women or Men With Breast Cancer
- 684 Canadians Affected by Breast Cancer
- 1.5K Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
- 455 Caring for Someone with Stage IV or Mets
- 260 High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
- 22 International, Non-English Speakers With Breast Cancer
- 16 Latinas/Hispanics With Breast Cancer
- 189 LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer
- 152 May Their Memory Live On
- 85 Member Matchup & Virtual Support Meetups
- 375 Members by Location
- 291 Older Than 60 Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 177 Singles With Breast Cancer
- 869 Young With Breast Cancer
- 50.4K Connecting With Others Who Have a Similar Diagnosis
- 204 Breast Cancer with Another Diagnosis or Comorbidity
- 4K DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)
- 79 DCIS plus HER2-positive Microinvasion
- 529 Genetic Testing
- 2.2K HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer
- 1.5K IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer)
- 3.4K IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)
- 1.5K ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
- 999 Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis
- 652 LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)
- 193 Less Common Types of Breast Cancer
- 252 Male Breast Cancer
- 86 Mixed Type Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned
- 189 Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care
- 488 Second or Third Breast Cancer
- 1.2K Stage I Breast Cancer
- 313 Stage II Breast Cancer
- 3.8K Stage III Breast Cancer
- 2.5K Triple-Negative Breast Cancer
- 13.1K Day-to-Day Matters
- 132 All things COVID-19 or coronavirus
- 87 BCO Free-Cycle: Give or Trade Items Related to Breast Cancer
- 5.9K Clinical Trials, Research News, Podcasts, and Study Results
- 86 Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries
- 828 Employment, Insurance, and Other Financial Issues
- 101 Family and Family Planning Matters
- Family Issues for Those Who Have Breast Cancer
- 26 Furry friends
- 1.8K Humor and Games
- 1.6K Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
- 706 Recipe Swap for Healthy Living
- 704 Recommend Your Resources
- 171 Sex & Relationship Matters
- 9 The Political Corner
- 874 Working on Your Fitness
- 4.5K Moving On & Finding Inspiration After Breast Cancer
- 394 Bonded by Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Life After Breast Cancer
- 806 Prayers and Spiritual Support
- 285 Who or What Inspires You?
- 28.7K Not Diagnosed But Concerned
- 1K Benign Breast Conditions
- 2.3K High Risk for Breast Cancer
- 18K Not Diagnosed But Worried
- 7.4K Waiting for Test Results
- 603 Site News and Announcements
- 560 Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests
- 39 Mod Announcements, Breastcancer.org News, Blog Entries, Podcasts
- 4 Survey, Interview and Participant Requests: Need your Help!
- 61.9K Tests, Treatments & Side Effects
- 586 Alternative Medicine
- 255 Bone Health and Bone Loss
- 11.4K Breast Reconstruction
- 7.9K Chemotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 2.7K Complementary and Holistic Medicine and Treatment
- 775 Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results
- 7.8K Hormonal Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 50 Immunotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 7.4K Just Diagnosed
- 1.4K Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
- 5.2K Lymphedema
- 3.6K Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
- 591 Pain
- 3.9K Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 8.4K Surgery - Before, During, and After
- 109 Welcome to Breastcancer.org
- 98 Acknowledging and honoring our Community
- 11 Info & Resources for New Patients & Members From the Team