Putting up a False Brave Front

Oceanblue, sorry we have to meet this way but thankful that you have found your way here as here is where you will find the support you need.

You want to grieve, scream and be angry - girl, go ahead.  You are no less brave because of it.  You have walked this journey for 5 months by yourself and you don't have to apologize to anyone for taking care of yourself.  Your sisters are suffering emotionally through your mom but you are not only suffering the same but also walking the cancer journey yourself. 

As a single parent (I am also although my boys are now grown) you have had to be strong and running on auto-pilot and for this reason your sisters just don't see or understand your need.  But you are not responsible for their insensitivity to that.  You may need to talk to your siblings and let them know that although you are on-board with your mom's issues, that you need to get through the next few weeks of your own tx first.  If they think that is selfish, so be it, they will survive.

Dear Oceanblue, sounds like you are one of life's great coping people, and you know what, sometimes other people aren't very happy when you are not able to do the usual superstar stuff because that means they might have to do a bit more themselves.

 I should imagine you are pretty tired and frazzled right now and it would really be very odd if you didn't feel like crying and venting.  Sounds to me like you have done a wonderful job of coping with a whole basket full of bad news and it is very hard to look after a child and continue with your work.  I really admire you - I am single and have only me to worry about and that is quite enough to deal with for me.

 I am so sorry that your Mum is so ill.  This is a very very hard time for you and at the moment your life is presenting little to show you hope for the future.   With all this going on, I am not surprised you burst into tears on the table.  You had a really,  really crap day.

 But know this - you are a brave and wonderful person, and it is entirely possible that life will get better.  Amidst all this crap, please please know, there will be good things at some point.  There isn't some sort of universal rule in stone designed to make your life shitty forever.    Who can say  when a good thing will come, but I believe  it will.  I believe it for you, I believe it for me, and I believe it holding a metaphorical hand with the wonderful people on this site.

 Like you I really wasn't expecting the diagnosis I recenty got.  I have been all over the place emotionally.  I still will be going forward I'm sure.  But today for a few hourr, for whatever reason I just did feel happy.  Probably tomorrow I'll feel differently, for no particular tangible reason.

This entire thing is a bloody rollercoaster.    But across 3,000 odd ocean miles, I send you warm thoughts and admiration - I salute your fortitude and send you all my love -

Oceanblue, I can identify so much with that battered feeling.  I was diagnosed with BC only 3 months after my closest sister died of a brain tumor and 6 months after my father died.  My mother died 4 months after I finished treatment.  All three of them had protracted deaths that exhausted my brothers and sisters and me. My siblings had nothing left for me when it came time for my treatment.  

While I was going through chemo, one of my sisters called me to go to the ER with my mother because she was exhausted.  She was, but I got to the point where I was dizzy with fatigue, and had to call her to come after I'd been there just a few hours.

 With my mother's death, I didn't so much grieve as go through PTSD.   There's only so much a person can take in at one time.

You're going to be tired from radiation, tired from the stress of having BC, tired from the worry and grieving over your mother.  You don't need to be worried about living up to your siblings' expectations.  I'll be charitable and say they could be so afraid for you, too, that they're ducking their heads in the sand and expecting you to act "normal."

It would be nice if they could understand what you're going through and try to empathize, but at the very least, you're the one who has to draw the line and say they don't know what you're going through, and while you can understand why they can't help you while your mother is dying, they have to accept the fact that you just can't operate as usual. 

Then find other things and people to nurture you -- here, support groups, meditation, church -- whatever helps. One of my sisters-in-law was very supportive, and I took anti-depressants and treated myself to a massage once a week.   I also kept exercising as much as possible -- swimming and walking.  And I also gave myself permission to let a lot of things go.  This kind of self-care isn't selfish -- it's really important for your health and recovery. 

My mother died in Jan. 2008, and it was just last fall when I finally started feeling better, but it did come.  I grieve now, but it isn't that unhealthy feeling of being beaten down.  

This is a dark season for you, but it is just that, a season.  Have faith that the day will come when you will feel better.  You'll be in my thoughts..  

Max