Hard to Breathe and Feel Alone

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TripleNeg
TripleNeg Member Posts: 836

It's really getting hard to breath (expecially deep). Anyone having these symtoms. I was so dehydrated that I had to go to the ER last week and they said it was up to me if I wanted to stay and be admitted or to try and go home and stay hydrated. Keeping up with the pain med and the naseua meds is taxing and if you don't do it just right you're sick and again and not able to keep food down.

It really hurt me that my Mom just dropped me off at the ER and left me and told me to call her when I was done. Everybody there had someone with them except me. She knows I'm dying and instead of compassion, I think she's just waiting for the next shoe to drop. Please pray for me that as I go through this transition that :

1. I don't have pain

2. I don't feel alone

3. My healthcare providers tell me the truth about my time left.

God is able, stephanie

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Comments

  • smerf
    smerf Member Posts: 615
    edited May 2009

    I am so sorry you are going through this, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Is it possible for you to have a hospice nurse come by to check on you? Maybe your onc's office could help with a referral. I have worked with those nurses, and they are very helpful. You should not have to do this alone!

    Hugs, smerf

  • smerf
    smerf Member Posts: 615
    edited May 2009

    If you are in active tx, maybe your onc's office could refer you to a home health care agency. It must be very hard to be alone at this time. I don't know all your history, but maybe it is so sad for your mom that she is in denial. Thinking of you.

  • Maryiz
    Maryiz Member Posts: 975
    edited May 2009

    Stephanie, I am so sorry you are not feeling well at all, and on top of that suffering alone.  I wish I could come to you and hold your hand.  Please try to drink what you can, even if it's fruit juice.  You can sip something and try to stay ahead of the dehydration.  Please keep us updated.  We love you and we are thinking of you.  Maryiz

  • Marple
    Marple Member Posts: 19,143
    edited May 2009

    Stephanie, sending you gentle hugs.  I wish I could offer more.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2009

    (((((Stephanie)))))

    I wish I was there with you hon...sending gentle, loving hugs...

  • Laura3
    Laura3 Member Posts: 59
    edited May 2009

    Stephanie.....

    This is one of those moments I do not find comfort in this website.  I feel helpless and wish I could come over and just be with you.   I am praying that you are not alone, not in pain and find some peace.  I am there in spirit....

    God Bless...Laura

  • kmccraw423
    kmccraw423 Member Posts: 3,596
    edited May 2009

    So many hugs for you Stephanie.  That just breaks my heart.  I wish I was closer too.  You have been through so much.  Please, if I can do anything, just let me know.  In the meantime, love and prayers coming your way.  BTW, in the midst of all this that you faith remains so strong is inspiring and uplifting.  Thank you.

  • heatherpalmerton
    heatherpalmerton Member Posts: 2,247
    edited May 2009

    Stepanie, like so many I wish I were closer. just know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.  Heather

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2009

    Stephanie...I can only echo what the other girls have said. I too wish that I could be with you and offer comfort and assistance with whatever will make you comfortable. As for your mother, it sounds like she's trying not to feel things too deeply and that's natural, but sad. And since it's especially difficult for you, it might be a good idea to tell her that you need her. I know that you're trying to be unselfish, but this is the time for you to make your wishes known and not bottle them up. You have had such an extraordinarily rough time and so deserve some relief and comfort!

    Please let us know if you can think of any way that we can help, okay?

    ~Marin

  • BMD
    BMD Member Posts: 1,492
    edited May 2009

    Stephanie-I had no idea you were at this stage. I am so sorry about your mom's behavior. It must be hard for her to deal with. I am praying for you and all your needs and wishes.

  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited May 2009

    Oh Stephanie - you've had so much to deal with the past few months.  I can understand your Mom being scared, but she should be there with you. 

    I know we aren't there to hold your hand, but we are all thinking of you, caring about you.  Perhaps there is someone from your church that you feel close to and call upon? 

    Sending my love to you,

    Elizabeth

    xoxxoooo

  • idaho
    idaho Member Posts: 1,187
    edited May 2009

    You are probably like me- have been so strong through all this, and making everyone else feel better about your disease, maybe your mom doesn't think you need her?  I don't know, I hope you can feel the prayers we are all sending up for you, and I hope you feel that at least you have the sisters on this sight to sympathize with you.  Have you contacted your church or cancer volunteer center for someone to be with you once in awhile?  We love you, and are praying for you.  Tami

  • flash
    flash Member Posts: 1,685
    edited May 2009

    I'm so sorry Stephanie.  I think I am within some hours of you.  I'm Fairfield county.  Would you like company?

  • ilovemysweetmomma
    ilovemysweetmomma Member Posts: 117
    edited May 2009

    You're not alone Stephanie..we are all here for you. 

  • nikki0406
    nikki0406 Member Posts: 1
    edited May 2009

    Steph,

    You are not alone we are here with you, i wish i was close to you....As you say........God is able!!!!

  • Caseysmom
    Caseysmom Member Posts: 507
    edited May 2009

    Stephanie:

    Sending you love and hugs just like everyone else I wish I could be there with you.

    Keeping you in my prayers.

    Big Hugs

    Laura 

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2009

    Stephanie, I'm literally in tears right now.  I so wish I could be with you.  I offer up prayers for you that all pain will leave you and that you will be surrounded with truth as that in itself sometimes may offer a measure of comfort.  We all love you.  I'm certain this is your mom's way of coping as it is not easy to watch your child suffer.  I also offer up prayers that she will rise to the occasion and put self aside so she can be supportive in your time of need.

    Do you have a church family who can come alongside; prayer warriors and people who can spend some time with you?  My heart is heavy for you.  Please know that the Father is there - call on Him and feel his loving arms that surrounds and carries you.

    Blessings.

  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited May 2009

    Stephanie, I don't know how much time you have, sweetie, but if there's no one to take care of you, maybe it's time to check yourself into hospice as an inpatient.  Is that an option?

  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited May 2009

    Stephanie, what smerf said about possibly home health care might be a good option.  I feel so bad to hear that you're hurting and feel alone. 

    And -- I seem to recall your MOTHER getting hurt at Thanksgiving when you ended up having to call someone else to bring you food instead of her!  If this was just an everyday situation, you and I might just smirk and roll our eyes about having mothers like that (mothers who always put their kids in a no-win situation: "how could you not call me?  don't you know I'd do anything for you? you hurt my feelings by not calling me!"  and then turn around and FAIL TO DO the thing you really need and want and ask for!) 

    Well, I'm rolling my eyes a little bit -- I really hope and pray that you feel a little stronger and can "call" your mother on this -- or even more, that your mother can come through herself -- just like she did after Thanksgiving -- baked you something sweet -- it's sad and hard when our parents are a little immature -- and it's crummy that it always seems to fall on you to "be the bigger person" -- I'm glad you came here to tell this, and I'm really praying that your mom gets visited by some grace that helps her step up to the plate.

    I remember reading -- when I was in my 30s, and really feeling some disappointment in both my parents -- that that was one of the functions of God the Father, and Holy Mary, Mother of God -- to be the infinitely strong and good parents that we all need and that no (or most) other humans (other than Mary, that is!) can really be, all the time.

    I know that even within your Church, it seems like you've been the one who gives -- so maybe at the moment your doctors and Vanderbilt are the place where people will give you NOW what you need NOW.  I know that all of us here want to do that for you.  You deserve so much Stephanie, and I want you to have it.

    It occurs to me that FitChik has a good point about telling your mother what you need, and that you need HER.  That was always really hard for me too.  But it might not hurt to try.  If it doesn't work, it will be sad, but you're already sad, and maybe it will help you look in a different direction and not continue to long for her.  And if it works -- that would be good!

    Ann

  • KLynn
    KLynn Member Posts: 1,407
    edited May 2009

    Steph  may you always feel Gods gentle touch and hugs....you are never alone......KLynn xoxo

  • pshelton
    pshelton Member Posts: 140
    edited May 2009

    Stephanie, 

    I just read your post and I'm so sorry you had to be there alone, if I had been your nurse I would have stayed and sat with you...just always remember God is there with you always...

    Hugs,

    Paula 

  • Maire67
    Maire67 Member Posts: 768
    edited July 2010
  • zap
    zap Member Posts: 2,017
    edited May 2009

    Stephanie:

    Maybe you could pm us where you live so we can offer some concrete ideas on how to proceed.  It is clear everyone here wants to ease your pain.  Maybe some of us live close to you.

    Susan

  • candie1971
    candie1971 Member Posts: 4,820
    edited May 2009

    Stephanie, you are in my prayers.

  • vision2020
    vision2020 Member Posts: 34
    edited May 2009

    Im so sorry for what you are going through. Let your angels come in and seround you with peace and hope.  lov Joanne  (God is good)

  • scrappy_survivor
    scrappy_survivor Member Posts: 149
    edited May 2009

    I can't begin to know what to say or how you feel. I just wanted to offer some hugs. HUGE hugs & say I wish I could be there to hold your hand through it all.

  • NYCarol
    NYCarol Member Posts: 347
    edited May 2009
    Stephanie, I don't know where you are either, but if you are close to me I'd do whatever I could to help you.  My heart is breaking for you.  I have followed your posts for a long time and feel like a friend.  You are in my prayers every day.
  • celia088
    celia088 Member Posts: 2,570
    edited May 2009

    Stephanie, your Mom's actions really upset me.  I am wondering if some of the others who have posted are right that your Mom cannot emotionally deal with your health situation.  Anyway, I hope you try to always keep in your mind when you are at the hospital that you are very well-loved by a large group of women from all over the country and the world here at bc.o. So many of us wish that we lived near you and could accompany you. 

    I wonder if there is some kind of a group near where you are located like we have in the state of Washington, called AngelCare Network.  They are bc survivors who offer all kinds of support and can accompany women to their appointments. Here is a link so you can read about it.  There is also an email address, and you could contact them to find out if they know of help in your area.  You may have to copy and paste this link.

     http://www.angelcarefoundation.org/about.htm

  • kmccraw423
    kmccraw423 Member Posts: 3,596
    edited May 2009

    Good morning Stephanie.  I hope your breathing has eased up and that you experience some comfort, both physically and emotionally.  It is so hard when loved ones do not live up to our expectations and so disappointing when they can't or won't be there for us.  Know that you have thousands of arms around you right now.  If you listen carefully, you can hear us tell you how much you are loved and cherished.

  • 2timer
    2timer Member Posts: 590
    edited May 2009

    Stephanie words cannot express how sorry I am that this is happening.  I know your mom deep in her heart is in so much pain over your situation that she's pretending (to herself) that it isn't serious.  I know you are hurt but please believe me when I say your mom's insensitivity is mask hiding a great deal of pain -- pain she doesn't want you to see.  Anyway, I hope you get everything you wish for -- knowlege is power and if you know what's really going on with your body you can make the correct decisions about what to do.  I hope and pray that you're not in any pain and that through some kind of miracle, the chemo will start working and provide you with some relief.  I am really praying for you Stephanie.

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