Facing the Future

Ok, scheduled for pleaders on Tuesday.  A little apprehensive, especially since this week's newest symptom is a panic attack in the middle of the night.  I wake up and my whole body is shaking, it starts with my legs and then works up to my arms.  he first time this happened was about 10 days ago when my lungs filled up and I had trouble breathing.  We ended up calling 911 and they rushed me to the hospital and tried to get me to calm down with morphine...lol...that just made it even harder to breathe, and then someone gave me some ativan and within 10 minutes I was stable.

last nights attack happened in the middle of a dream,lol, I was telling off some lady who was yelling and ignoring her kid and explaining how much I would give to be able to be with my kids again, when I woke up shaking.  i am starting to think that somehow my body is producing too much adrenaline if I stress even the smallest amount.  Anyway, stuck the ativan under my tongue and 10 minutes later all better,

Now I am starting to feel like some psycho who has insane panic attacks for no reason, I have never been this way before, I am usually pretty even keel, but lately i think its starting to get to me.  The thought of 10 days in the hospital and 10 nights without some family member there is pretty scary...any thoughts?

It probably doesn't help that I have to get the advance directive and my will updated tomorrow as well as thinking about what to write to my 6 year old.  He's the last in the letter series, but when my 22 year old and his wife heard what i was doing they wanted one too....so now i have to find the time and I just am not in the "mood" and that makes me feel like a crappy mom .  I start thinking the last time for me to do this and the last time for that.

 i know the surgery has a higher success rate in the 70s, hell that is better then chemo, but then I start worrying about the pain, the doc just kind of said there are meds for it...great, but what can I expect, he just said everyone is different..errrrrrrrr...

I This is sucha  total whine letter please forgive me...but it just keeps coming out onto the keyboard..lol..

end of rant, randie

Whoopsie,

I am so sorry you are going through this.  But you are NOT terminal.  So don't waste so much of wonderful life to be lived by focusing on it.  I know, cancer SUCKS.  But I would trade places with you in a heartbeat.  We (stage iv'ers) are terminal.  You are not.  Go live your life and be thankful you have not been told you will die.

Hugs and prayers,

Bethie

Thanks ladies, I know you are both right, but my gosh, every doctor that came to me (it's at U of Chicago) was fascinated.  They all said the same script, "To see one individual with three isolated malignancies is extremely rare, and your age makes it even more rare!"  So, they very much made me feel like even though I'm not a stage IV'er, cancer will be the thing that kills me. 

As they described the syndrome, there is not one part of my body that is "safe." 

I just feel like, "How much more can I take?!  How many more surgeries?! Recovery gets harder and harder each time." 

Dream----I love how you write!

HUGS ALL

Sue, I have not been online in a while. I've missed this disheartening news.  I am thinking of you daily and praying there is some kind of miracle or hope that you can cling to. You have been of help to many women here.  We are more grateful for you than you could be of us.  Hang in there and rest and take one day at a time.

luv Lynn

I'm so sorry to hear about sue!  From what I knew of her she was brave, honest & good to everyone.

I am glad she got the chance to post her own words here. It is inspiring as nothing else can be.

I keep the candle burning........ 

May God bless and keep Sue's family. Heaven has a new angel. Hugs, Mazy

rest sweetly, dear sister, rest sweetly.

Just want to spread the word that our dear Dream is OK, but "incarcerated" (asd she likes to say) at Princes Margaret Hospital in Toronto. She had a spell of confusion & unsteadiness so her dh took her in. I don't know how long she will be there, but they have changed her meds & want to be sure she is regulated & understand why she had the problem.

If you would like to give her a call her number is: 416 946 4501 eextension 2441#

I will try to post when she learns when she is going home. NO puter in the hospital (at least not yet)

HUGS--be well & stay strong 

Thanks Saint-hope she's liberated soon!

My deepest sympathies to Sue's family.  And prayers for their comfort. 

I just spent the last days with my sister-in-law who this cancer beast has made an Angel last Wednesday.

Someone had asked about morphine that you can administer at home.  It is oral.  It comes in a syringe without a needle (like the one for giving pediatric medicine) and the liquid morphine is "squirted" under the tounge.  And yes, the paperwork to arrange it is unbelievable.

There is also the fentanyl (sp?) patch and fentanyl (sp?) "lollypop" that you swish around in your mouth.  All of these provide wonderful pain relief without any IV injections.

While I don't meant to "butt" into your conversation (I am not Stage IV at this point, although I know all of us Stage I'ers are one scan away from it) I feel that it is important that we all give our health care proxies to someone we can trust to fulfill our wishes. 

After the day of suffering my sister-in-law went through a few days before becoming an angel (she was in the hospital, hoping to become well enough go home to pass--so they were giving her the meds she would receive at home) I have instructed my husband and daughter that when and if I get to my final days and am in pain, relieve the pain and don't worry about dropping my blood pressure or keeping me awake! 

Helen's a&&hole doctor did not want to increase her morphine, or give her the fentanyl patch or pop becaue he is a "religious man" and did not want to hasten her death.  She was suffering greatly and it was on my watch (her daughter had taken a break to get a cup of coffee) and I cell phoned her and told her to get over here, fire this jerk, and call in the pain managment team, pronto.  I told the doctor he was toast and her care would be taken over by someone else.

The pain management team came immediately, and within twenty minutes, she was out of pain. 

She passed peacefully the next day, after saying her goodbyes, surrounded by family and friends.

I hope I have not offended anyone or overstepped any bounds,