Not for the easily offended
About a week ago, I posted a question about recon. As my ps told me I could not do immediate recon because of how heavy I smoke. So I would have liked very much to find out if others had gone through this.
My avatar at the time was "fuck cancer". Although I did not get an answer I was told that my avatar offended someone because she really did not like the "f" word. I changed my avatar because I do not want to be offensive to anyone and certainly don't want to alienate anyone on this board from me. I waited for a response for someone that might be help me. No response to my question just that changing my avatar was "positive" and that fighting cancer with a "positive" attitude is so golly gee nice! By the way I quit smoking 2 weeks ago.
Bilateral mastectomy was done Wednesday May 6th, SNB, no recon, no TEs. Went home with drains and no breasts on Thursday. My 4 children are scattered with family so that my husband can take care of me. Thank God for them and him. My best friend of 8 years for some reason decided that this was all way too much for her to handle and she bailed on me. Yes I mean bailed, she told me she can't be friends with me anymore, WTF. Trust me many more people have stepped up in her place.
My 6 year old keeps telling me it is kinda weird that I don't have boobs anymore. My 4 year old left the hospital in tears because I started throwing up in front of him.
My husband has turned into a rock, but I watch him as he weeps quietly when he thinks I am sleeping.
My 14 year old daughter asked me today if she can still stay at her friend's house today. Yes I tell her and she breaks down with uncontrollable tears!
"Are you sure this isn't going to kill you? Are you sure it won't come back? What if it comes back? Are you sure you are ok? What if it kills you?
I assured her the best I could that we are doing ALL that we can to get this shit the hell out of my body! I will fight it! And I have so many people fighting with me! F@ck Cancer! I will win this one. We cried and held each other the best we can with my drains, and off she went. Because at 14 you know that was way too much emotion to deal with. That is fine I will hold her more later.
If my writings of MY real life and MY real feelings offend you, please do not read anything I write. I will not go after any one person. BUT you are damn right I am not going to be kind to cancer! To have a positive attitude, I do. FUCK Cancer! Get the hell out of my body! Stay away from me and my family! How dare you make my family cry! The "F" word offends you?! The word cancer offends me! It has stolen family and friends from me. It is selfish and evil. The "F" word is a slang~big deal. Cancer had given me more than I care to have ever wanted and taken more that I can ever explain.
I am tired of what it has done already. This is a fight I did not wish to get into, I asked several times for the bully to back off and it didn't. Well now it is on! I will not fight you with a positive attitude! F YOU! I will however be posiitve to the GREAT things I have in life. My family, my friends. They are true blessings and I will not take them for granted. However I will show no respect for cancer.
Cancer has taken me from a self confident independent woman, mother, wife and friend to a lost little kid in the mall. The best part about the lost little kid is I was not her for very long. I may feel alone for a short time, but then there is someone who comes and reminds me what I am all about! I am not cancer, cancer is not me.
F*ck cancer!
To all of us fighting our way to where ever we are going, here is to you!
Luv Deb
Comments
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Deb, so glad your surgery went well (and congratulations on quitting smoking!). Just as you've had to do in the case of your former friend who bailed, I hope on this site you can ignore the unhelpful responses and concentrate on the supportive ones! You know, you can put posters on "ignore" -- then you won't see their posts, and if they send you a PM, it'll be bounced back to them and you'll never even know about it.
I'm "positive" you'll have strength for your fight because you allow yourself the strength of your genuine feelings!!!!!
Hugs,
Ann
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Deb,
I was logging onto my regular place on the threads and caught your post. Your words do not offend me, but your level of anger concerns me. You have soooooo much to be angry about and this being Mother's Day, I am certain you are ready to sock cancer clear across New Jersey. I am not as young as you, and being so young yourself with such small children I know it is far worse than anything any one my age has had to face. I actually could be your mother.
Congratulations on quiting smoking. I am sure that you are mad about having to give that up on top of all the bad stuff you are facing. I was a smoker and it was so hard to give that up. It is all good that you quit, especially during these terrible times.
It sounds like your kids adore you. I teach 14-year old kids and they really have a hard time dealing with anything that makes them feel different. I have a girl right now with a mom with BC and she won't even talk to me about it. Of all your kids, the 14-year old girl is probably the most vulnerable. She may be angry, as you are, and anger can negatively affect health. Why not start by calling her school and talking to the social worker there. Just give a head's up. Perhaps you have already done that. She probably is afraid to hug as she worries she will hurt you.
Sheer anger got me through treatments and it was not a good thing. I never cried; I just pushed and pushed in sheer anger. Unfortunately that lead to depression and the most wicked nightmares on earth.........every night. The sheer anger got me up each morning, however, and I limped my way through the day. I took a total of 3 sicks for chemo....not good. Eventually I nearly collapsed from lack of sleep and just being do damn mad all the time. I went to get help to sort through it all and to go on meds for the nightmares (like all I needed was more pills).
Perhaps you need to try that avenue so that you can do what you want to do....just be there for your kids and your husband. I do not wish to sound preachy; yet your post is so clearly asking for someone to help you deal with all this anger you are feeling. I discovered that anger does not cure cancer. Anger turns within and weakens the fight we all have within us. You have the fight in you! I wish you well.
Happy Mother's Day. Your kids will be so happy you gave up the cigarettes.
Susan
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Ohhh, I too can feel the anger. It is good to get it out and if you need to vent here, go ahead. You have a lot on your plate and your entire family is having to deal with your new reality. I went through similar emotions, thoughts and worries when my 14 year old daughter was dx with cancer. I was concerned about the effects on not only my dd, but on her siblings, my parents (Mom also had cancer at the time) and my dh and I too. It is a lot to bear. I lost a dear friend just like you did, she could not handle it. But I too discovered many more people who were there for me then and again when I myself began fighting this horrible disease.
Try to remember that this is all so overwhelming right now. There are no right words or feelings to have. Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself. Don't worry, I can still detect that strong, confident woman in your post!
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Oh Deb.........your post also caught my eye. I really have nothing to offer other than just to say..........your post does not offend me..........I did not see your previous avatar but I doubt that would have offended me either. I cannot even imagine the place where you are (I do not have children) but I do know that venting to those who understand (even if just a little) does help. I do know some people (friends?) fall by the wayside but others come and pick up the slack. It breaks my heart to see what you've written. But then......cancer CAN break our hearts. It obviously has NOT diminished your spirit. I wish you well.
Gentle hugs.
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Deb,
I did see your previous avatar however was I offended??? HELL NO!!!!!! You said exactly what I have felt, and aren't these boards supposed to be here for us to be open and honest about what we are feeling ? I am not saying anyone one should single anyone out and attack them in anyway and everyone has a right to their opinion including you. As far as you being angry, there again you have a right I am angry as well however do talk to someone as it does help and I truly hope you have someone you can talk to I like you had my socalled BFF bail on me too. If you have no one or no one who truly understands pm me I will give you my phone numbers and you can call me day or night. The smoking thing bothers me as I too smoked until Feb 24th and I quit cold turkey however my PS said he would still do my TE placement just that it would be easier on me if I quit (healing wise). Your PS sounds like another nasty word LOL.
You are still strong and Good will come from all of the bad crap going on right now and like I said if you want PM me and you can say anything and I will take no offense.
Must Be a Deb thing,
Deb
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Deb - I see that lost little girl in the mall - you are not alone - I'm sending you hugs and prayers - and a Warrior Women's ANGER to add to your own! FIGHT THE BEAST - IT WILL NOT WIN!
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I'm glad you made it through surgery! It's a lot worse thinking about it than actually getting it over with.
I'm going to chime in as the only prude here. I can take all kinds of language but I'd just as soon your avatar (screen name) wasn't profane. People begin to think of you as your avatar and having the "F" word as your name doesn't seem quite right.
Otherwise rant away. Hopefully once you calm down your children will also. One of the crummy things about motherhood is that you do set the tone for your family.
I see from your previous posts that you are going to have chemothearpy. So the road is long. I hope quitting smoking is going alright. I don't think that ever really helped anybodies temperment. Do you have a patch or did you go cold turkey?
The very first "date" I ever went on I went to see the movie "Cold Turkey". Brings back memories... Happy Mother's Day!
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Deb...
I just happened to see your post and don't worry about offending anyone in here. I'm sorry on top of everything else, someone made you feel "guilty" about anything. You just get through what you need to get through one day at a time...Truthfully, I just finished 4 rounds of chemo and the chickies who are offended by the F word are probably shouting it out loud too in the privacy of their own homes when they go to their dark place.. and come on ladies... having breast cancer is dark. I wish people would leave their judgemental bullshit at the door... breast cancer is a bitch ... we're ALL angry ... sometimes there's not a nice little positive pink ribbon spin on that... you just hang in there, Deb... things will get better in time...
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I remember your avatar and thinking, wow, where did she find that, I need that as a t-shirt! I absolutely loved it! Of course, I have an odd and somewhat profane sense of humor.
There is another avatar that I love with the words, "Cure this Bitch Already!" I need that in a t-shirt too!
I have nothing more to add other than you are not in this fight alone and a positive attitude is defined by the woman exhibiting it!
As the gals in the 'hood say, "Do you!"
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Gentle hugs, Deb, AKA Sybil...glad to hear that you were lost in the mall for only a short time. You are regrouping and building the inner strength you need. I am sorry that you had a negative response concerning your choice of words--wish I'd seen your avatar--I would have laughed and clapped!!!
Do not want to enter a moral debate here, but to let you know that I think the "F" word is the most versatile word in the English language--and, there are times when it is the only word that fits a situation. Sometimes, the louder it is shouted, the more effective it is!
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Deb aka Sybil, I am never offended by someone who is so damn HONEST about their feelings!.......Girfriend you hit it right on the head about the way I feel too!...........Congratulations on quitting smoking....As an ex smoker myself I know just how hard it is to quit!.........It took me 3 tries before it took............I wish I had seen your avatar......I would not have been offended by it in the least....I say fuck cancer too!.......And as I have said numerous times in other threads If one more person has the gall to tell me to be positive they are really gonna get it!......I AM POSITIVE!...I am positive that i will live with this monster for the rest of my natural born days!......And if no one likes it then BITE ME!...........Oh wow! That felt good!........Deb, You are a wonderful person and don't let ANYONE cause you to feel guilty for the way you feel or what you say!........This is an OPEN discussion board and we are free to say what the hell we want.......If not here then where??.........We are all adults and if some adults don't like what we say then they don't have to read it...They can go to another board...There are plenty to go around........Best wishes for a fast recovery Deb...........
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Well Deb you can see by the responses that the vast majority are definitely not offended and enjoy your fiestiness.........................FUCK is the right word, it is the only word that describes what we are feeling. Let's not sugar coat this..................we have been attacked and this beast has changed our lives forever.
Yes, some of us ( I wish all of us) will live the rest of our lives without recurrance. But that person you were before the dx is gone......................we can't get her back. I have been trying to explain this to my husband and grown children. They too interpret it as negative thoughts and/or depression. No it is this FUCKING monkey that has landed on my back. He is there and I am trying to get used to it.
I have finished my chemo and rads and started my Arimidex. Soon it will be a year since my dx, and now, now that my head has cleared and I have some time (not going to drs or treatment constantly) I finally know how FUCKIN' SCARED I am.
I feel things, I see things on my body, it is constant that I question what is going on. I know with time,and hopefully a distance from my dx with some good NED results I will get a little closer to the normal I knew before this. But we can't get that life back..............ever. This is the new life and when I need to yell and scream and use whatever words work, I will be here. This is the place to let the pressure cooker pop.........................we understand each other like no one else can.
So Deb, no apologies.......................what you feel is real and how you express it is yours to do whatever you want. Personally I am glad to see someone put it in writing...............I have been saying it around here and it feel good!
Caren
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Deb-
I am not offended. Cancer sucks. FUCK CANCER!!!
I hear your anger and believe me, I feel your pain. I also feel your sadness and despair. It is hard to believe that the treatment for this disease is to amputate women's breasts. It just seems so wrong. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I'm sorry it happened to me, too.
I am glad that you came to this board to vent. I think venting is healthy because it is not good to hold all of that anger in. You need to release it. Please come here and vent any time that you need to.
It sounds like you have a family that loves you very much.
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Glad that you've got the fighting spirit. You go girl!! You have every right to be angry -- at the cancer. Things will get better.
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Deb, I do remember your avatar, wasn't offended. Sometimes we just have to say it.
As for your children, they will be alright, they have you and together you and your family will make it through. How do I know, you can tell you love your family or you wouldn't have said what you said. That love will get you through. Direct your anger at cancer,and pull your family in close. I wish you all the best.
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I was not offfended either. Cancer sucks and so I say as you do - FUCK CANCER!! Our lives will never be the same again since this monster has come into our lives. All we can do is take each day as it comes and try to get through the best we can. I'm sure over time it does get easier but for now I say FUCK CANCER too!
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I was not offended at all by your avatar. In fact I thought it was quite fitting about how we should be in fighting this bastard. I am pretty sure that the only people on this site are adults, and if they aren't adults then it is a person who has too much time on their hands and the parents should be watching where they are going on the net.
I am glad that you made it through the surgery and that you are here. You have something which I do not have as of yet...that is the balls to get through the surgery and losing something that is important to all women. My husband thought that you were too angry when I read the post...I asked him how HE would feel if he lost his penis and that it was cut at the base. It shut him up.
I have little ones too. I have an 8 year old, 4 year old and a 9 month old. I am going to have surgery shortly after my baby turns a year old...like 2 weeks after she does. I am really scared how I am going to manage with it as I am going to Seattle from Olympia for the surgery. I am scared because I wont be around them for some time.
I am crying again...I bet I start my period in a couple of days.
This sucks.
Hugs, and hang in there,
Colette
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HI Deb -
I wasn't offended either... I didn't respond to your initial post because I didn't have any personal experience with radiation to base a response on. I hope things improve in your situation and you use your strength and anger to fight your way through this battle! Kick Ass and take some names along the way.
Angela
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Hi Deb,
Offended? Hell No! My license plate holder states, "I am a 2x Breast Cancer Ass Kicker." I am fighting this disease with everything I have, including my "potty mouth!" Tell it like it is...
Linda
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Deb - I think your response to your diagnosis and surgery is honest and there's absolutely nothing offensive about it!! Hell, I'd have FUCK CANCER as my avatar too if I were computer savvy enough to be able to do it.
Please continue to post with questions, feelings, rants, etc. I've found most people here to be so helpful with their responses.
Hugs,
Pam
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Hahaha Pam, we have the technology
. I can do it.......well sort of.......but don't have the puter smarts to relay the instructions to you. -
Deb...my inner child sends your inner child a hug
I didn't see your earlier avatar OR your post but if I did I would have sent you a mental pat on the back for having the balls to say out loud what we all think inside.
I feel like you're a kindred spirit...hugs to you...keep plugging away as is best for you and know that we're here for you.
Peggy
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Deb, I am sorry you are going through this and hope the best for you. the F word does offend me and no I do not use it even in my own home. but we have this freedom of speech in the US of A so you go ahead and say what you need to say if it makes you feel better. God Bless you and gentle hugs. Sherry I guess I am the 2nd prude here. LOL
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Hi, Deb,
Count me non-offended, though I never saw your original avatar. But I've uttered that phrase myself and even toyed with getting a T-shirt...
I feel fine with anyone here saying whatever they need to say - if I can't handle it, I will just read on!
As far as anger goes, it's a lot better to vent it than to turn it inward and let it become depression. Sounds to me like you're going through a process right now. I will say only this; a dear friend of mine was dx with very far advanced cancer and mets (she had ignored a lump for many, many months). As time went on, she got stuck in her anger, to the point of becoming bitter and resentful of those who were not ill. It was very hard for her. I don't know that her attitude changed her outcome but I do know her quality of life was affected for the time she was here. So I just offer this to you - don't get stuck in your anger. Let it continue to propel you through this experience and out the other side. You do sound very strong and you have a lot to fight for. I think anger for you is a catalyst right now, and can work FOR you. So keep going!!
Big congrats on quitting smoking! That is one hard battle you're already winning.
Angela
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Obviously this is not the place for me to be. I have to thank all of you wonderful women for standing by me and understanding! Understanding the pain, hurt, confusion, and down right ANGER I feel towards this disease. The hate that it brings out of me that my 14 y/o daughter crys to me and is so scared this bloody disease is going to take my life.
I checked the board today before I left for my Drs appointment and I felt so luved and understood. I really felt like I belonged. I still do from all of you. I left today feeling really good about saying what I mean. I went to the Drs. had 2 of my 3 drains removed and got to see my chest for the first time. No breasts, no nipples, just staples going across me, flat as can be. I am sure you can imagine the pain I feel. I did manage to get myself together to see my daughters spring concert tonight. She had a duet and was spectacular!
I come to the board to read this "This Post has been removed by the Community."
Arent you all part of the community?
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Oh yeah here is the very offensive avatar! I changed it back as I am sure soon enough I will be banned from the entire board. What a joke. Well if I do get banned from the board I can be found on Facebook with a bunch of my friends that allow me to get as angry as I want. Cherneski is the last name and I live in NJ, bet you can all figure out the rest.
Sorry if I come accross really really snotty tonight but I have to say i think this place is pathetic now. Why wouldnt a moderator send me a PM asking me to mellow it out or something?
FTW -
Please don't go Deb. You are part of our community. I don't know why your post was removed, let's forget about it and stay. You had a hard day today, and you were rewarded by your daughters concert. Can't imagine anything better to end a day.
Elizabeth
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Love the avatar!! Well said!!!
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Elizabeth, I will stay as long as I am allowed. I just feel like I wont be allowed here long. I think this is very F2#ked up that my post would be removed! Once again I am filled with anger (I turn hurt into anger) and I dont think I should have to fight to be able to stay on a support board.
I am in disbelief!
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I don't know why your post would be removed. If someone doesn't want to read it then they should have just ignored it. Obviously a lot of us are trying to reach out to you. Please ignore the others and hope they will get over themselves.
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