Starting chemo January 2009?

lisalisa- I cast my vote, good luck sweety.

Hi Jewels, sending healing energy to all.

  Jrgolomb-- Lancaster is about 60 miles south of Hegins. Is most of your family from the Lancaster area since the reunion is there?

Hey Jewels!  It's been a while.  It's great to read of so many Jewels coming towards the end of their chemo.

LisaLisa...just voted for you!  If they could only read your postings here on this site, then there would be NO QUESTION as to whom they should choose.  NONE!  Your essay was pretty damned impressive.  You should get this.  I want you to get this.

About the meltdowns...Have them.  Throw yourself into them.  The amount of stress we have subconsciously repressed for ourselves, our loved ones...random strangers...  It needs an outlet.  My fourth week after my final TC treatment and about a week before rads were to start, I was an emotional  wreck.  I could only envision the negative outcomes to anything and I went from zero to sixty in seconds flat in what I imagined could be/go wrong with almost everything.  Intellectually, I knew I was driving myself nuts for no reason, but I couldn't stop it, which made me feel even worse and wondering if this was my new reality.  My energy levels were the lowest they had ever been on chemo and I had zero appettite.  I live alone, so there was no one to make me food, and I couldn't find myself to be bothered.  At the time, all I had any interest in was watching the Travel Channel, FaceBook and this website.  The only thing I didn't have apathy for was the fear that I was heading into this self-feeding decline, both mentally and physically.  Trying to explain this to people on the phone just sent me into tears of frustration and...well, fear.  I also lost seven pounds in the course of a week.  So, you see, I wasn't in the best of places.  I kept thinking of my surgeon and my onc saying how well I had fared through chemo.  "Sailed through" was one phrase that almost taunted me.  Here it was so far past my last chemo and this was the time I should have been really feeling good and healing before I headed into rads.  The way I was feeling, I seriously doubted I could have managed to have made it to the hospital everyday for tx.

But it passed. 

Even typing it all out here, I am amazed at what a bad place I was in at that time.  I was able to get my diet back on track.  I also had to have two wisdom teeth pulled since one broke and then turned black during chemo.  I think I may have been infected from that since my energy levels started to improve almost the day after I started antibiotics.  But I digress...

As we near the end of chemo, it's hard to say all the things we managed to compartmentalize from the moment we were diagnosed.  And chemo is SUCH a big deal that we have all had our own demons with it.  It's been hammered into us from all directions.  I can remember watching Terms of Endearment as a kid and having the image of the dinner party scene where someone whispers something like "she's got cancer..."  Whether we admit or not, we all got hit with something that is easily most people's biggest fear if not just our own...and we are dealing with it.  It's HUGE psychologically.  We all know that we have worn that positive face if only to allay other's fears about us, and it's worked at helping us get through the worst parts of it.  But having the crying jags helps too, believe it or not.  Stress hormones are released through our tear ducts.  Sometimes that's the only way they can. 

I feel for everyone that is having the meltdowns.  It was the one thing that really sort of broke me in my treatment.  But it turned out to be a temporary thing.  You'll see.  And if you feel you need to speak to someone, then do so.  But I found that just being on these boards and knowing that I wasn't a freak for how I was feeling, that there were others who had seen the other side of whatever I was going through helped to put the freak outs in perspective.

Not to mention that our hormonal systems have been given such a thwack, that it's no wonder we can't control some of the thoughts we have.  It took me 10 days to do taxes that normally take a weekend tops.  Mentally, we're not at our strongest.  Acknowldege your fears, but also try to remind yourself that you're not in the best mental state to be giving it serious thought either way.  Ever since I started chemo waaaaaay back in January, the two phrases I've heard the most in my head have been my onc's voice saying "blame it on chemo..." and Scarlett O'Hara's "I won't worry about that now, I'll think about that tomorrow."

There is no standard timeline for recovery physically or mentally.  We all have seen that already.  And mental side effects are an important part of this.  We'd be inhuman if we didn't have the fears that we have.  It's never going to leave us, but it does get better.  We're all such strong women, we're just a bit compromised right now mentally.   I tell my friends that right now I'm an easy target for mockery with my chemobrain, but to watch out because this time next year, I'll be back to my full capacity and I won't let them get away with what they're getting away with now.  Of course it's all in jest, but you know what?  I should tell myself this more often as well.  This time next year, I won't be such an easy target for the emotional fears.  And I know that it's true.

Okay, that was so much more than "my two cents" that I had planned on posting.  But with the economy the way it is, it'll probably only spend about as far as the two cents would have anyway.

Catherine

Hello Jewels:   Tomorrow we turn the calendar to another month -- we sure have been through alot since January..  The other night I was having trouble sleeping and of course I log onto the boards and see what everyone is up to -- and I decided as long as it was 3AM with no sleep in sight, I would go back to the beginning of this board - I need all your names for my Relay for Life shirt so it was a good time to copy and paste them all -- wow was that a trip.  It is clear to me that WE ARE ALL SURVIVORS and we can be proud of ourselves for getting through this!!

Renrel: Hope you are enjoying the visit with your parents -----  $600 - you go girl!   Nothing like a little retail therapy to boost the spirits.  DId a little myself this week. 

Got new flip flops, Holtbolt.   Getting ready for the beach!  (Also lessens the neuropathy on the toes).

PLUTZ:   Good luck with #2  - may your SEs be few!!

Pam: I find pushing anything - vacuum and shopping carts esp, to be really tiring and make both arms sore (the surgical side and the port side).   Can't wait to get this upper body back into shape!!

BevR and Jess:   If my chemo brain is working correctly, I believe today is your LAST chemo!  YIPPEE YAHOO!!!!!!   Hope your SEs are few!    I am on Day 15 of my final round and I feel great!

ddlat: and I believe your FINAL chemo is tomorrow...  DITTO - YIPEE YAHOO!!! 

In the right context, FINAL and LAST can be such wonderful words!!!

Lisa: I've been voting up a storm -- as have my friends and family!!  Good Luck!

I had my rad onc consultation and simulation on Tuesday -- so this meerkat is set to start radiation.  He wanted to start on Monday, which was earlier than I thought being that I am only 2.5 weeks out from my FINAL (great word!) chemo.....  he said, given how well I'm doing, I am ready.  However, I am getting my port out on Monday (YEEHAA!) so he thought it best we give that a couple days to heal -- so it looks like Thursday I'll start my daily 140mi round trip adventures in extreme tanning.  

On another "popular" note --   I am the "Swine Flu Queen" of our hospital today -- our Infection Control Nurse and Emergency Preparedness expert are both out of town, so all the questions are coming to me.    What fun!   WI had it's first 2 confirmed cases (In Milwaukee - 400 mi away).  If you want accurate up-to-date info, go to the Centers for Disease Control website - www.cdc.org  It has the most reliable information.   Currently, the H1N1 (swine flu) virus seen in the US is a mild strain that is effectively treated with anti-virals.   That said, the CDC experts have no way of knowing (yet) if the swine flu (H1N1) virus will mutate(change) as it is spread from human to human - making it more or less severe.... that is what the public health agencies have been monitoring very closely.   Worse case scenario is that it mutates into a strain that is no longer killed by anti-virals.   So Jewels, it's good thing we have been "bug-phobic" -- we know about handwashing and disinfecting and staying away from crowds/sick people.

Take care everyone!

I'M FINISHED----YAHOOOOOO----SE's haven't kicked in yet, just the "chemo fog" that I get after the treatment. I'll sit in my recliner, watch TV and snooze this evening. Who knows what tomorrow will bring......but right now I feel very happy that I am finished with this part of the "journey."

Wishing everyone a SE free weekend......

Got my vote today Lisa!

Trying hard to enjoy my visit in Texas but keep thinking about how close to Mexico I am and how I will have to get on an airplane at the end of the week to get home and who knows what will be flying around in the air on the plane.  Thanks for the link Kathy.  We do need somewhere to go to get reliable Swine Flu info as the media loves to dramatize things.

CONGRATULATIONS on finishing up Bev.  I am so happy for you. 

Yearofthehat:  If I am not mistaken you should be finishing up soon too!   I have skipped this week to be here (should of had tx today) so I will now not finish up until June 18th.  As we turn to another new month on this journey I can not believe that it has only been 5 months since first chemo tx.  Seems like this has been going on FOREVER!

I am finding that I am soooo tired this week that my time here is not has much fun as it should be. I actually felt better when I came last time which was right after I was released from 8 days in the hospital for dble pnuemonia.  I have a slight neuropathy going on in my fingers and toes but that it not a real bother yet, but the lack of energy is really really annoying.  So much I want to do so little energy to do it with!   Makes me MAD.

Will check back later.  Hope you all have a good week/weekend. 

Patti

ohyeahohyeahohyeah I am done!!!!!!!!!!!  It dripped in so fast though, I was outta there by 3pm.  My students made a card for the cancer center and thank the nurses, the doctor and the nursepracticioner for taking caring of me.  Then they signed it and all drew a picture.  It was very cute.  My friend took a picture of me with the doctor and np and cn.  I will try to get her to send to me to send to you!

Yes, I am concerend about the n1n1 flu.  We have 2 confirmed in Michigan, probably more by now. One is a county away.  I am like Bkim-I have to go to work not only for financial reasons, but I just feel better doing it.  My hemoglobin was lower than usual, so I hope that isn't a bad sign.

Thank you all so much for responding and expressig your thoughts.  I truly find this thread has been an emotional life saver for me. 

Okay, who is doing the relay for life?  AND any thoughts about meeting up in Las Vegas in September with the Ta ta sisterhood group gathers?  Just a thought...........

Ditto!!!!  Congratulations ladies!

I already added myself to the Vegas list, but I'm in a room with three (and I'm certain are fabulous) other women I don't know from the boards that I've read...and my sceen name is totally wrong on the list so I'm sure they're wondering who I am.  So, if any of you are thinking of going and need potential roomies, lemme know!

Catherine

Hi ladies. Had #2 taxotere this morning. My doctor lowered the dosage because I had such a hard time with it last time. Hoping the s/es  won't be as bad. Feel pretty good today. Tired. On the decadron thing. Was up till 3 in the morning. Managed to get 3 hours of sleep. Was going to take a nap but I don't seem so tired at the moment. I like taking my nap after dinner. Go in for the neulasta shot in the morning, so my weekend is pretty well shot. Oh well, its supposed to be a chilly weekend. Catching up on some shows I taped.

Went to an artshow at the mall Thursday evening for the high school students. My older daughter had two of her paintings on display. I am so proud of her. Shes attending college in the fall to study art therapy. I think she will do very well.

Well, going to get some rest. Hope all of you have a great weekend.

Congratulations to everyone finishing up!!  My last tx was 3/24 and I am slowly but surely feeling sort of normal, although I need to step it up on exercising.. I'm draggin my feet....The hair is coming in... but it looks GRAY!! Ahhh!!  Oh well, it's hair!  I just booked a week in Florida starting 6/5 and I'm really looking forward to it but it just occurred to me that I have to find a mastectomy swimsuit (no recon here... yet).  Now there's uncharted territory.... flip flop shopping is much easier.  Whatever!!  Maybe I can tan this stark white head of mine!!

If the Ta Ta Vegas trip is in September... I think I might be able to do that... that would be fun! Where's the link for that?

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!!