How do I do this? Living with uncertainty,desperate

Newday - I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  When you see your doctor let him know and maybe he can perscribe an anti-anxiety or anitdepressant.  The feelings are a normal part of the process but if it they are causing such issues or go on too long - you may need a little help in calming your fears and uncertainty.  Good Luck and HUGS to you.

New - I'm so sorry that you are suffering like this.  If what you're on isn't helping, then you need to go on something different!  These drugs are more hit or miss than many, because, it's difficult to tell how an individual will react to the different  combination of meds.  Most doctors have to adjust and/or chage the 'scripts to get the most benefit. 

Please don't give up.  Make a phone call and let them know you need a different regimen.

Good luck.

Susan

How I came to grips with the uncertainty:  This was the hardest part for me.  I had a double mastectomy to decrease my risk of a reoccurrence. I hated that this was out of my control. Then, I realized to a great extent it could be.  So I started thinking "what can I control?" Then I went about making those things happen

 I  take tamoxifan everyday which helps reduce risk.  On top of that I eat organically and force myself to exercise every day.  I make sure that I get some laughter.  I have enlisted my friends to send me humor. I have filled my house with plants to make sure that I am breathing good air. I avoid too much sugar, soy, food dye and another things that are not good for me. I have come to think of my food as my medicine.

Do I have complete peace of mind? No but taking these steps have greatly improved my mental frame of mind.  I feel good, people tell me I look great and I know I am doing every thing in my power to not let Cancer win. It feel much better than the fretful state  I was in when I was first diagnosed.

Hope this helps.

Merilee

I was going to say, read my post.I am in the same boat.

Newday, so sorry you are feeling so down....but its so natural...we all have these feelings, sometimes, like me, six years later. ....they just never go, but damp down as the years pass.

I would wholeheartedly agree with lexislove, and would bet you are suffering from post traumatic stress, You need to contact someone who you can trust, and have it out with them....breast care nurse?? councellor??  local support group?? You need to get some trust in one of your doctors, and get a different antidepressant, you will see the world in a whole new way once a drug that suits you  kicks in. Seek out a breast care nurse, and ask her to go thru those files with you, so you know exactly what is going on, and what everything means. You will feel a whole lot better when you can open these files and be confident in what they mean....knowledge is power.

I don't think your docs are lying to you, check up on what they are saying. Sometimes we all find things like 'discuss tests' written up in our notes, and sometimes the docs, being human, have written it in the wrong notes...after all, they see so many of us BC patients, its an easy thing to do

Make a start,you will feel 100 times better when you are in control,  you cannot go on without some decent help, there is nothing to be ashamed of in asking for that help. As for the fear that is ever present in your mind about recourrance, get a plan sorted out, quit the what ifs and make a path for yourself. NOT easy. I know this, I have been there, and I am still standing six years later. I still see a councellor, every now and then. I just find these fears just sometimes overwhelm me, and I need to talk it thru....I have found a good councellor, she tells me straight, and gets me on track again. My family cannot believe I am still nattering on after all these years, families are not the best to turn to for emotional help, they expect you to be up and running and 'over it' as soon as possible.   Thinking of you, keep on coming here with your fears, theres always someone who will talk to you, about what is bothering you.

 ((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))

Isabella.  

Newday1976

I am relieved to hear you are not ready for the ER.  You do sound really pissed and you have every right to be.  I felt betrayed by my body, by God and by my ideas about good Karma.

Took some time to sort all of that out in my head.

Hang in there, time does help with the anxiety.  In the mean time if you look into treatments for PTSD be sure to look at a treatment called EMDR. I works without meds.

Hi:

Are you on any meds?  I just quit tamoxifen after a month because I became so depressed.  You do indeed sound paranoid if you think your psychiatrist is "in on it".  I'm sure your psychiatrist is on your side.  You should really give him/her a call.  They take emergency calls.  Otherwise, you should find a support group with other women who know and understand what is happening to you.

Let us know how you make out.

Peeps

New - Stay with us!  We are here for you.  Your last sentence says it all. 

No matter who you have around you, this is a solo trip.  However, you can surround yourself with sisters who are going through their own journeys and would love to have your company.

I have made some great friends here - I would, and have, told them things I would never tell my face-to-face friends. Mainly because I knew my feelings would be understood.

If you have no one you can depend on at home, please use your friends on this forum.

Hugs,

Susan

Newday - we are here for you any time of the day - any day of the week!  Lots of gals here have gone thru this or are going thru it to varying degrees.  When you meet with your doc in May - ask what the plan for retesting will be moving forward.  It is a feeling of control to know what the plan in. ((HUGS))

newday,

 Just keep breathing. You can get through this and you have so many of us here wanting to help. I am certain if you let the hospital know how you are feeling they can help you.

Shelley - Sorry that the Effexor  didn't work.  There are tons of anti-depressants on the market.  It is kind of hit and miss as to which might work best for you.  Effexor is supposed to help with the menopause symptoms, but I think just being less stressed helps a lot, too.  And, when you get on the meds that are right for you, you will be.

I'm not certain which ones would work best for you - I was on Zoloft for years, along with Wellbutrin, and I did fine, but I was switched to the Effexor, and off the Zoloft since my dx.  I guess it's working..

You need someone who knows which anti-depressants work on what.  My daughter is a nurse practioner in women's health and is very knowledgable on the various meds and how they interact.  Maybe you could find one in your practice and check with her.

Good luck.  It's hard enough to go through all the cancer stuff, without the rotten depression along with it.

Susan

Hi Merilee,

I'm not on Tamoxifin because I'm ER/PR negative.

Shelley

It has been very therapeutic for me to read all these posts!  You know, I thought it strange that I didn't have "down" feelings at all as I went through all the treatments.  As horrible as chemo was for me, then the surgery, then radiation, etc., I seemed to keep an up spirit, wondered what all the emotions were about, etc.  I even asked if I was in denial or something and not facing the realities of it all.  I knew I was in trouble ---- I had waited 7 years before seeking any help or treatment.  I had a big hole in my breast reminding me of my stupidity as the tumor broke through the skin.  My oncologist was honest and outright blunt in telling me I was in trouble but would fight with me all the way.  It wasn't until my last visit with him and I realized I was "done" with everything there was to do that I seemed to panic and it all settled in on me.  And I still can't put a definite finger on the panic -- only that it is always there.  I can't sleep at night, but can't find anything to think about, either.  People tell me to get on with my life, but it seems now that I don't know what that is.  Whtever my life was before all this seems to be gone or I'm not interested in it anymore.  So I know I have to find something new and move in a different direction.  It is strange when you have no bad news, all the scans came out clean, Dr.'s are so amazed at it all, and yet, here I am the only one who is down and feels like the wind has been sucked out of me!

So I do understand your feelings.  But I do know that there are a million things each day that are worth living for, and it isn't worth ruining that by worrying if you will be here tomorrow or not!  I'm trying really hard to put new values on things -- like family, friends, my dog, springtime with the flowers, birds, etc.  Live for today --- it is all we are promised!

I have to agree.  I am completely healed physically but I honestly don't know if I will ever recover from the mental part of it all.  It changes you. And yes life is generally uncertain but we have all had an in your face reality check. Every time I hear that song " live like you were dying" I make a special plan or call someone I love just to say so. While there is fear, I no longer take for granted many things. I like that , I just hated the way I had to learn it. And I am determined that cancer will not win. Not even by renting space in my head.