How do I do this? Living with uncertainty,desperate

sherrilynne

Newday, my husband was diagnosed with a disease a few years ago and was put on anti-depression drugs and we found out that some of the medications he was on were actually adding to the depression and doing the opposite of what they were intended to do.  I walked through this with him for several years. Pls talk with someone because as someone mentioned above they might need to switch what you are taking.  We are all here for you!!!!!

newday1976

 One of the posts alluded to "getting going with treatment" I am done with treatment and have been for 6 months, that part is over.

Now I have to figure this out, how to live this way with the aches and pains.A new sympton is trying to figure out how to get myself to go in every 3 months for a breast exam.My mammogram is also coming up.I have to wait for results and I am not sure that I can do that.

I have aches in my ribs and BC boob.I remarked to my ever so patient husband that I was sure it was mets.This s how I live now.

reen

newday, I understand what you're saying.  I try to pass aches and pains off as aging, but cancer always crosses my mind.  I now have a spot on my lung and the tech that scanned it said, "good luck to you" when I was leaving.  Of course the first thing I thought was, he saw something.  This whole thing sucks.

Tracey6

I am so glad I am not the only one going through this I had my tumor removed back in January, started 21 rad. treatments in February and just had my ovaries removed and total hysterectomy 6 days ago the last 3 or 4 days I feel like I am going off my rocker, I am so cancer paranoid it isn't funny, every time I go to the grocery store or to an appointment I hear of some one who has had a recurrence.   I can not imagine putting my family through this again.  I even started eating healthier and as I eat I know it's only because of the Cancer.  My life is consumed by it, and as patient my husband has been through this journey he really doesn't understand how one minute I am laughing and then the next I get a reminder I have cancer.    I am so tiered walking around with tears in my eyes, and looking at my helpless family members is breaking my heart and that is ten times worse the the cancer , everyone wants to help but doesn't know how.   I used to laugh and joke around and all I do now is cry and pop pills.  I need to laugh again.

shannon56

Newday -- I don't know if this will help at all but in 1986 my aunt was diagnosed with BC.  She had ILC w/ 29 lymphnodes involved.  This was at a time when that type of diagnosis was maybe just maybe you might live for 5 years.  Last fall she passed the 22 year mark.  My aunt is the total whimp, she complained every step of the way but did every step.  She worried about mets but they never happened.  My daughters mother-in-law is a 15+ year survivor with no reccurrence and her mother went through this in 2004/2005.

What I learned from these people and others who did not survive is that Positive thinking works.  When you start thinking all the bad stuff try thinking of PAC MAN (you can look it up if you don't know what I'm talking about) going through your blood system and tissues eating up all the potential cancer cells you are worried about.  I do that every night before I go to sleep.

Also, if you don't tell your psychiatrist what you're thinking how can he/she possibly help you. No one is out to get you - not God, not the docs, not even the cancer.  No one knows why some people do and some people don't get cancer and until that happens it's just a random occurrence that happens.  I knew I had the potential to be diagnosed with BC but until it happened I never gave it another thought.  Now, it's just like a bad dream with a very strange beginning and an end I don't know.  Somewhere I once read that anexity, worry, and depression are all very bad for cancer patients so try to turn your mind to more positive thoughts when the depression sets in.  Not going to the doc could be seriously hazzardous to your health and long term survival.

I have severe clinical depression and I just work through this each and everyday.  I won't let this kill me and will fight it tooth and nail.

Brendatrue

Newday, Women with depression often ruminate--they get stuck on something, whether it is worries, concerns, others' intentions, their story, etc; also women with anxiety often get obsessive about those things. If you are dealing with depression and/or anxiety, you may be 'getting stuck' and need your own and possibly others' help with getting 'unstuck.'  It may sound weird, but one of the things you can do is to allow yourself a set period of time each day, then vent in some way--whether it is talking out loud to yourself or someone you trust or writing your thoughts in a journal (or whatever you want to call it). You can even set two/more different times a day if it makes you anxious or it feels unmanageable to worry just one time a day. When you find yourself worrying outside that time, tell yourself what you are doing, notice what may have triggered it, then tell yourself to let it go for now. (You may also want to make a note to yourself about the situation if you have decided to keep a journal.) This process will help you to feel more in control and more empowered to cope with this situation. It is important for you to develop a way of coping with this so you don't feel overwhelmed and/or out of control. This process will also let you understand that, while your thoughts and concerns are important and deserve attention, the anxiety/fear/whatever does not "deserve" to control your life. Also, regardless of the wait time for counseling, get yourself on a waiting list now. You need lots of support right now, including from this group and others who are available to you. Don't give up and assume that this is the way you will have to live your life; it isn't. Know there is hope and there are ways to learn about coping with cancer and "life after cancer." By the way, I think breastcancer.org did a conference last night on living with anxiety and fear related to cancer; you may want to check out the transcript when it is available. Here's holding hope for you....

comingtoterms

Newday,

I am concerned about you.  Your thoughts are frightening you and I wish that you would seek out a different kind of help.  There are crisis hotlines in every community and the american cancer society is available 24/7 to help you with anything.  It makes complete sense that you have responded as you have.  You are young.  You are angry and scared. You didn't deserve this.  You thought your life was plugging along and then "wham" - you got socked in the gut and you are having trouble coming back up to breathe again.  I don't know if there is a forum for young women with bc, but if there isn't then you are the perfect person to start one.  Having bc in your thirties is a very different experience than having it later in life.  My goodness, your life is in a completely different place then someone who is past menopause.  Your needs and experiences and expectations are those of a woman in her 30's - your world has been turned upside down.  You are allowed to feel any way you want to feel.  I just want for you to have a safe place to put those feelings - a place where other young women who are dealing with this can support you.  They are out there.  Please put out your hand and allow them to grab it.    Tammy

Lursa5

Phewwww!!!!!

Huff!

SIGH!.....

Okay, NEWDAY! 

Do you know why all these women have replied to your  post? Notice that in almost all cases they say "I felt a lot like you."?

If we were all VERY honest with ourselves...which this is the only place we can really get away with it....NO ONE knows like we do! You touched a very dark spot we have ALL been too. Some of us pull out of it. Our bodies chemistry allows us to hold that hole at bay. Some of can not pull out of that dive alone. We need help to do so  there is NOTHING WRONG with asking for help...It's just HARD to do! But, Newday, you HAVE to ask for help. You need to listen to these women and do what they are saying.

 We are all very concerned about you and we REALLY DO CARE! 

Please post again and keep us in the loop. We want to know how you are doing.

XOXO

Lursa5

Makratz

Tracey, you will laugh again.  Maybe not for awhile , but please believe that you will.  I felt the same as you.  Lot's of us do.  Others just don't get it.  We have to accept that and realize they are trying to help us, they just don't know how.  I would laugh one minute and cry the next.  I will be one year out from dx on 6-3-09 and am just starting to have more good days than bad.  I don't want this to consue my life, but it does.  I am trying to live with it, learn from it, enjoy my kids and husband, and pray I never have tot deal with it again.  BUT, if I do, I'm glad that science has come so far and we have many options open to us that others did not.

Please try and be strong.  Come here for support whenever you need it.  We will listen to you and offer advice.  I know you can do this!!  You need to start believing that.  It's OK to cry, but try not to let it rule your life.

Popping pills???  Are they antianxiety or depression meds?  I took antianxiety meds and still do when I need them.  I am using them less and less now.  It's OK to use them if they help you get through this.  Lot's of us do that too!

Makratz

Newday, Please let us know you are OK.  You are not alone!

Merilee

• Newday, here are the stages of grief.   If  you find yourself stuck in one of these stages too long, a good counsleor can help  you work through it.  The cancer center you are using should have an oncology certified social worker. Maybe it sounds wierd to be thinking in terms of grief but you have lost you life as you knew it.  It is a huge loss and it is very normal to grieve.
• Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
  
• Anger (why is this happening to me?)
  
• Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
  
• Depression (I am so very sad)
  
• Acceptance (I'm ready to move forward)

saltwater-cowgirl

Hello Tracy,

My dx is the same as yours. I chose bilateral mastectomy, and to have my ovaries out because I am suck a freak when it comes to cancer. I was 50 at the time. nearly 3 and a half years have past. I am well. I have been taking femara for nearly a year..after 2+ years on tamoxifen. I felt better on Tamox ,but Femara it is.

Anyhow,the uncertainty really gets to me also. Maybe if it was put into perspective...(not the getting hit by the bus thing) we would feel less bogged down with fear. I keep looking for something to really click...because I do believe that other than not getting this at all, we are good.

 Saltwater-cowgirl...Leslie