frustrated
My mother-in-law has breast cancer. Has had for about 6 years now. I only met her a little over a year ago. My husband and I live about a 15 hour drive away (he has since before she was diagnosed) so we only see his family a few times a year. We try very hard to call and e-mail and send snail mail weekly checking on them, on her treatment, on how she's feeling or whatever else might be going on. However, no matter what the conversation, it's always about her cancer or just thier lives in general. We don't get a word in. They don't ask about us. I very much understand that cancer is a huge scarey frustrating daily battle. I understand that. I respect that. I appreciate that. I know it will always be an important aspect of their lives if not THE most important and I understand that she could die from it (but I could die driving the crazy traffic to work tomorrow morning too). But when she is able to go about her daily activities as always on the types of study treatments she's on, why can't she try to set that aside for just a few minutes to actually find out how my husband, at least, is doing??? How can it be healthy for her and the family to always be focusing on the cancer??? I get so frustrated and so worn out from it and I don't even live there!!! And the guilt trips! My husband and I have a term we use...the "cancer card"...for when they try to manipulate us into doing what they want. We hear this a lot..."well your mom has cancer and she's fighting for her life." Ok, I understand that but does that mean we are supposed to risk getting fired for taking too much time off in an economy where jobs are difficult to come by in order to go out to their place for a 2nd cousin's wedding, whom my husband hasn't seen in 25 years??? Or when we play phone tag b/c the timing is just off and then we hear the same guilt trip...well no. we aren't purposely avoiding you...we just weren't home b/c we have jobs. And when we try to call back they don't answer. But somehow that's our fault and it all boils down to his mom is fighting for her life. I don't mean to vent like this. Sometimes, like today...i just get so frustrated and i get frustrated for my husband as he tries to deal with all this. I wish I knew how to better be there for her and support her but not be made to feel bad b/c we have a life and a marriage that we also have to work at. has anybody been in this situation????
Comments
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Well, what I will tell you is I learned from you tonight.
My son and D-i-l do not want to hear about my cancer and what dh and I live with... not all the time... It will drive them nuts.. after all, they might die in a car accident tomorrow...
Thank you for teaching me something. Your poor, poor husband.
Laura
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Esteep:
Sad isn't it??
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Your mother in law is not participating in a clinical trial to try to burden the family and make you feel guilty. SHE is fighting for HER life. I would suggest a little compassion.
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You only feel the guilt if you are truly guilty.
I hope you never get cancer, you wouldn't want to feel so left alone in the world. Your MIL has 5 years of fears that she is trying to make up for if you have only known her for a year. Maybe she would back off if you showed a little understanding and compassion. Does her sons' life matter? Of course it does. She is scared she won't live long enough to enjoy it! Never mind any grandchildren. Don't burn your bridges. Glad you had the opportunity to vent here, but it may not get you the answers or pat on the back you were expecting.
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I too really hope that you never get cancer. I think you need to find some compassion. Have you thought your mum in law might be scared! Really are you that shallow that you cant put yourself in her shoes for five minutes?
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mandeesa....I'm sorry your mother in law who is fighting for her life, is such an inconvience for you. It's easy for you to talk like this because you have not walked in her shoes and I hope you never do.
Now, you DO realize you are on a Breast Cancer Support Board here and many woman using this board are just being diagnosed or are going through treatment at this time.Over 90% of the woman on here have a personal history of breast cancer.
I think I saw a Inconsiderate Daughter in Law Board that a way ------------------->
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Hey Gals,
Give the girl a break. This board is called "for family and friends" - not for those of us going through treatment. They get to vent too.
Yes, our lives are scarier than theirs - but they have frustrations too. Everyone needs a place to get things off their chest and this board is labeled for our family and friends - they need a safe gentle place too.
Mandeesa, I'm sorry that you got dumped on again. You do have the right to a life. Your feelings are normal. I know that even my very supportive husband feels like that sometimes - couldn't life just go back to healthy without cancer - actually - I feel that way most of the time!
Hugs,
Cyd
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I"m not looking for a pat on the back here folks. I sincerely needed to a) vent b/c on the flip side for the one dealing with the family member with cancer it can be frustrating (I hate the cancer b/c it has taken away the mother caleb knew. we want to be supportive, we have compassion but sometimes, you just want things they way they were and you have to vent about the fact that its not. that's NOT being shallow. that's being human.), and b) get some suggestions on what we can do for her from clear over here (they live in SD and we live in OH). Good grief! I have compassion for her and the rest of the family. And this certainly is NOT the first time I have been in a situation with a family member fighting for their life and had to be a caregiver. It just wasn't cancer. Those things are all water under the bridge. They happened. We dealt with them and didn't dwell on them b/c we knew it wasn't doing anyone any good. But when it comes to this stuff...I'm lost when it comes to cancer there are no set answers or standards on how to be supportive or what to do. When I've asked her what we can do as suggested by many cancer support sites its basically "nothing". I"ve been researching, i've talked to other family members who live where she is to get input but they say to keep doing what we're doing. So yes to Rach 21 i HAVE put myself in her shoes. And no Barbe1958 I don't feel guilty, just frustrated. And yes DaughterMom I KNOW she is fighting for her life, I'm reminded of it everyday when i look at her pictures on our walls or when we talk to them. I am reminded of it every time i look at my husband or when I hear the word cancer or when i see the colour pink. I don't want your sympathy and I don't want your "pats on the back". I want to know some concrete suggestions on what I and my husband can do to help her get thru this not to mention how to be supportive of the other family members, especially his father, and how we can get thru this ourselves b/c surprise surprise she's not the only one affected. The WHOLE family is affected. The supporters need support too. Its not easy watching someone you love go thru this crap. It makes you want to cry, it makes you mad and want to scream, it makes you want to know why her and it makes you feel sick for her it makes you hurt for her. It makes me hurt for the grandchildren who will never get to know their grandma (i don't remember my grandmother she died from breast cancer when i was 3. That was 27 years ago. b/c of it my grandpa didn't want to be around us b/c my mom and i reminded him of my grandmother so he avoided us like the plague. and yes that is the reason as i found from his best friend when i asked him. it was too hard for grandpa.) and for the effect it will have on her husband and how his reaction will affect everyone else...my husband, his brother, his sister, our neices and nephews our children when/if we have them. If she doesn't survive this EVERYONE will be affected just like everyone NOW is being affected. So YES. I get it. And seeing as this is supposed to be a place for friends and family of those with cancer to find support I THOUGHT I COULD vent from our side and I could get some suggestions. B/c guess what folks...we need support too. Cancer doesn't just affect the patient...the family is affected too, its just in different ways. So you can either sit there and criticize saying I"m shallow b/c the Lord gave me emotions and feelings and i have to either let them out or bottle them up and explode or you can say you know...i've been there too and I understand sometimes you just want it to be the way it should be but its not however here's a way that helped us get through it I hope it works for you too.
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thank you Cydney. Its just not always easy. I love her b/c she is my husband's mother. But sometimes, when you just want her to be a MOM cause you need a mom...just for a minute and all you ever get is more cancer...and more cancer...and more cancer...It's like enough with the cancer!!!! i HATE the cancer and I know she HATES the cancer too. and so does my husband. She lives with teh cancer and we are all reminded of the cancer and worried that every little thing is just more cancer...the eye twitch...the blurry vision...did it spread to her brain again? her lungs her...did it grow more in her lungs? then it goes to...should we make plans for this that or the other? is she going to be able to come? when we go visit...are we going to wear her out? will she try to keep pushing to do things and wear herself out and somehow make it worse??? every time we know she has a scan or a treatment we worry all day...what was the outcome???? adn when they don't answer the phone when we call, when we haven't heard from them in a few days...is she ok? what's going on? should we start calling all the family??? her arm is swelling up really bad again??? waht does that mean??? should we be really worried about that??? is it spreading again??? we just want her healthy again and she's not and sometimes it makes me want to scream!!!
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Let me add - all cancer patients are NOT alike! They were people with personalities (and personality disorders) long before cancer. Your husband's relationship with his mother started long before BC and long before you were married to him............she probably has played the "guilt" card with her son before, so don't get trapped between them. You are only the daughter-in-law - do the best you can to stay empathetic but don't get yourself caught between your husband and his parents.........if he is frustrated dealing with her disease, that's HIS problem (and if he needs therapy to deal with it - don't act as his therapist - it's not good for your marriage). Rise above it all - stay sympathetic (you ARE a women and God fobid you ever get this dreaded disease). And finally - to answer your last question (which sounded very sincere to me) you CAN be more supportive of your mother-in-law by not falling prey to your husband's complaints against her. It's natural to get frustrated considering the distance in time and space - but remember YOU can't control everyone else's relationships - all you can do is work on your own relationships. So, on your own, try to speak to your mother-in-law as an individual someday - when your husband's not around - try to develop a relationship with her on your own so she can get to know you better.Maybe even visit her on your own - take her out - or just sit with her and let her talk - let her show you photos from her life before cancer - you may be surprised what you'll learn. It's not easy, but it's worth trying. Try not to be the spokesperson for your husband's frustration (hard to do when you're first married, I know).........he has his own issues and feelings - you do NOT need to mirror his feelings to be a loving wife. Good luck with everything - and I hope things work out between you and your mother-in-law.
P.S. I posted this at the same time as when you wrote so I just want to add, there are things we as humans can "fix" and the rest is up to God. You and your husband sound like a great team - but in this situation one of you needs to remain "strong" for the other - let that be you. When my dad was dying of brain cancer, I was a wreck - but my husband was a rock. At first I thought he was insensitive, now, 24 years later, I realize he could NEVER go through the emotions I was feeling and it was wrong for me to thing he could. His very "insensitivty" was just the thing I needed to give me strength - he was like a TREE - with deep deep roots that I could band my head against and still he stood strong. You can be strong like that for your husband - your love will get you both through this. May God's angels watch over your mother-in-law and over you and your husband.
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I am a family member. My Mother was DX with BC three years ago. She is still alive.
I belong here .. and never, one time, did I sound like you.
I do not agree with Cydney, but respect her voice as a sister.
I will leave this thread alone from here out.
I hope you find what you need here. I suppose you could learn.
Laura
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There's a HUGE difference between a daughter and a daughter-in-law of a little over a year. All relationships are NOT identical.......each person is free to be honest with their feelings when they come to us sincerely asking for help. I have sat in the seat of "judgment" in years past when I was younger, stronger and less empathetic..............BC has brought me down.....taken this rock of a heart and broken it in half, run it through a mill, till now there's perhaps a little bit of a glimmer through the grime ......this beast has taught me so many life lessons........to listen.........to learn........to let go........to forgive..........
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Mandeesa-
I can hear you...and I sense the frustration in your messages of not quite knowing how to help. You were brave to post in the middle of all of this and try to find support of your own. I actually laughed at the cancer card part. My husband bought me the book, "Crazy Sexy Cancer" just a few months into diagnosis and there was a whole chapter on playing the cancer card (as in - I need to purchase a pair of UGG boots today because I have breast cancer OR I deserve the last piece of chocolate cake in the refrig). My teenaged daughters and I frequently joke about that. I am thinking that may be how I ended up with a surprise 50th birthday party in March - because of the cancer card.
I had a back pain scare last week with a bone scan that scared us all again. But part of the reason that I got through the process was because I went to work with my dialysis patients, some who are 85 years old, and was able to get my mind off of my own results. Some of the people here don't have that option, life can be lonely and you need someone to hear your story. I try to do that for our elderly patients who see very few people each week.
I know that my daughters want to move on past this diagnosis and sometimes can appear not very compassionate, and they are. As is my spouse. I get the feeling that they need the consolation of feeling that I was cured, and that is perfectly OK for them at ages 15 and 19.
I know that my co-workers have already moved on also. When I forgot a detail last week and wrote it off to chemobrain, another employee said "I didn't know you were in chemo anymore". She wasn't really interested in hearing about the long-term side-effects of treatment at that point!. That is why I attend a support group monthly, am going on a retreat next month and started posting here. Of course, I am not stage IV and have not experienced that emotional journey yet either.
I agree that your husband and his mother already had some family dynamics before this diagnosis and it is likely amplified now. You can get great advice here - please feel free to stay!
Hugs!!
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all i wanted was a little support from other people who were dealing with issues related to supporting a friend or family member with breast cancer. I may only be a daughter in law but that doesn't make me less. it doesn't make it any less important or a struggle. you're right, maybe i am being a little less compassionate than i should be sometimes...or a little shallow sometimes...but you know...from all the people i've talked to...it happens. sometimes you just want things to be normal and they aren't. and you get frustrated. and you need a place to vent. not to be judged for having normal feelings. i feel sorry for the judges out there. when you feel the way i do sometimes, and i know you do cause i see it all over this sight...i hope you remember. i may only be a daughter in law but i still love her, she's still one of God's children and she still needs mine and my husband's support. I will continue to do the best I can by her with God's help. And I hope God helps us work through our feelings and our frustrations. When I'm feeling frustrated by things, don't worry. i won't come here. all it does is piss you all off and make me feel like a piece of crap for having any feelings at all. For all the cancer patients I hope you get better and for all you supporters of cancer patients I hope you never become one and I hope you don't ever have days where you get frustrated by it all.
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I agree with Cydney in that family members need a place for support. Cancer is a battle but does not have to be all consuming. I have experienced times when I start to discuss some part of my treatment or cancer road, and I can see my daughter or others start to tune out. It is not that they do not care - but because they have GOOD news they want to share with me. I have found by listening to what goes on in their lives is good for me in that it get my mind off cancer for awhile. Isn't that what friends and family are for - even us with cancer need to be listening to what goes on in others lives. We with cancer - will live with it every day for the rest of our lives but we need to care what goes on in others lives.
mandeesa - keep trying to bring up things in your lives with her. I am sure it is not that she does not care - perhaps a funny story to get her mind off her cancer would make her laugh or smile. Good luck and HUGS - YOU and your DH need them too.
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Janet,
I haven't seen that book, but I'm going to go look for it. I to know that from time to time - not often you understand - but every now and then when someone is a bit annoying and I want to get rid of them . . . that old cancer card is soooooooo tempting.............
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Very well-said sbmolee!! I agree!
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Mandeesa, you mention God a lot. Why don't you ask Him for help and guidance? Ask Him how to be with your MIL. Ask your pastor/priest/rabbi whoever. There is a spritual thread on this site as well. You may find some guidance there.
Your comments in your last post were very facetious. Many of us have watched friends and family die from all sorts of diseases, including cancer. You aren't the first to have to deal with this, but as you said you "dealt with them, but didn't dwell on them". How lucky you can put your grief aside.
Think what you would want if you were isolated in another state from your child and his new wife. Cards? Flowers? Notes? Baking? Bingo? Day trips? Shopping? Cards? Magazines? Movie rentals? you see where I'm going. She's just a woman with a death sentence hanging over her head and needs some distraction, if you say you are already showing compassion.
Check out your local Cancer Society office and see if they have groups that meet for the kind of support you need. You deserve that too, you're right. But not at the expense of your MIL.
My Dad took 2 1/2 years to die of lung cancer through all the surgeries and chemos and rads to try to keep him alive. Sometimes I just sat in the other room reading while he napped, but he knew I was there. Not everything has to be a production. It's better sometimes if it comes from your heart and not your head.
Good luck.
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Cydney-
YES, go get this book and LAUGH OUT LOUD! It is written by a 31 year old survivor of a rare lliver cancer with the foreword by Sheryl Crow. The title: Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr. I just had to go get it to read Chapter Five: Go Ahead and Use the Cancer Card. I would love to enter the whole chapter for you here...but you need to go find it for yourself! My husband actually got it at Target last year. Thanks for prompting me to find it again.
But then there is some sections that will bring tears to your eyes also.
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SBmolee,
Really good points - I think listening is good for us all. I'm going to work on really listening to my family - thanks.
Cyd
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By all means, as a caregiver for my mother, stage 4, I get frustrated, and it is not an easy position to be in at times, in fact, sometimes it's a F@$#%ing nightmare. My husband and my children are 900KMs away at home, and I am here with my mother. How do I work it though? I tell myself everyday that my mother is dying, and I am not, (at least not yet) I have my whole life ahead of me, and I think that I can give up just a little to help her though to the end, to try to ease her suffering, and keep her company when she is afraid to fall asleep at night, and take her to her appointments, etc etc. I am not glorifying myself, nor am I suggesting that you and DH move to your MIL, but your posts seem to come off as more than just frustrated. Swimangle said it best when she said "Rise above it all - Stay Sympathetic", and she was talking about the family dynamics that you just walked into. Right now, my mother does not want to talk to people that she barely knows, either about her health and what they can do for her, and I'm sure that is how your MIL feels...I know you are married to her son, but do you really know one another?
I get frustrated, but I don't let it consume me. Things in my life will never be the same after this and will never, ever be the way they were. I will deal with those feelings when I have to, just not now.
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Mandeesa, I think you should change the characters in all your posts and read all you`ve written as if your MIL were writing this about YOU!!!! Not sure you feel so warm and fuzzy and perhaps this will help you find somewhere some compasison !!!!
Daughtermom, I think your Mom probably has the best daughter she could have ever even dreamed of!!!
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Mandeesa
As a naturopathic doctor I might suggest you consider some oxygen therapies for infection. If you like I could email you the recipe.
We have helped countless people with breast cancer using the Dr. Budwig protocol. She was nominated 7 times for the Nobel prize for her work in Cancer research. She obtained a 90% success rate over 50 years. Here is what just one of my patients reported to me:
Dear Dr. Jenkins of the Mariposas Clinic in Spain. I will like to share this great news....I had my cat, lab and mamography tests and thank to god, my family and specially to you. I am doing very well, no more breast cancer, I feel great and I am very happy to know that the breast cancer is no longer with me. I am using all your vitamins you recommend me, avoiding all the wrong food, using the great machine 3 times a week and now I will like to use it 3 times per month to prevent unnecessary virus and other illness. IMAGINE I am the only one who has not got cold or influenza in my family. Before I was constantly sick. I will like to ask you if I had to take forever and ever the cottage cheese with the flax seed oil? and also I had a little bit high the prolactin hormone, how can I balance my hormones?. Perhaps, next year I will go to Spain to visit you. I am praying that will be possible and to to thank you personally.. Indeed you have help me so much .God bless you always.. I admired my husband he has been my great support and he is a medical doctor as well and he strongly believed in your treatment and has support me 100%. I am honored to share my experience in your web, by the way your web is just fantastic, it shows how mariposa Clinic is giving hope and cure to many of us. Dalis Jurado (Speaks Spanish and English) From PanaMA
Your friend
Lloyd
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