Starting Chemo April 2009

TMD--

I take a fiber -blend drink everyday along with 2 capsules of a stool softener until my bowels are normal.  I started this on 4/2 and chemo #1 was on 4/3.  I just started feeling normal on 4/11.  I 've also been drink a lot of water and vegetable soups.

Hope you feel better soon. 

Good morning, ladies!  Wondering if anyone has had shortness of breath or trouble getting a deep breath following their Neulasta shot or am I having either a weird side effect or something else alltogether?  I spent my Easter Sunday in the ER, because the onc on call for my doctors advised me to get it checked out to make sure I did not have a blood clot or heart issues.  Everything was fine, but I need to make an appt. to follow up this week.  Very strange.  I'm breathing better today, but it was really difficult over the weekend, which really stunk, because it was a beautiful day and I had a great dinner planned.  Oh well, the spicy chinese food once they released me actually helped me breath better.

Sorry I've been gone, but I got hit with some major fatigue after my last post. Like I had to sleep what, 30-32 hours between Friday night and this morning? Eh well, if that's the worst of my chemo side effects (and so far it is, short of the hair business LOL), I can live with it.

Hey chelev, thanks for coming to my Pity Party! But wow, you think I'm FUNNY?! I thought the only people who considered me funny were total bizarrions with psychotic warped senses of humor! Well, wow, thanks! I find it ironic because the only time I laugh now is when there is no mirror in the room with me. And pictures, no freakin' way. Dunno if you're a masochist or not, but I've always hated having my picture taken and am one of those people who runs out of the room and hides (or leaves!) if someone takes out a camera. I have never owned a camera myself and I hate that shutterbug crap. My aversion to having pics of me taken has been a lifelong thing (and I don't care to subject other people to something I violently abhor myself either, so photographs and photography are something I mostly excised from my life years ago: the only pics I have of others are ones others took but that's OK, I don't need many!). 

I'm not and never was photogenic, I looked horrible in every single picture ever taken of me -- pics were forced on me as a kid by my shutterbug mother who I wanted to strangle because she always insisted on displays of happy emotions I didn't feel, but as an adult on the very rare occasions I actually allowed someone to take my picture, which was intervals of YEARS -- even when I'd thought I'd looked nice that day in the mirror and was wearing something I really liked and thought I looked good in, when I later saw the pictures they were still awful! My most recent pic was taken in 2006, but the most recent one I'd let anyone see MAYBE was taken in 2003! And this was when I (usually LOL) liked the way I looked -- which, being a Stage IV girl, I may not live long enough to ever do again. Now, though, anyone who would dare point a camera in my direction -- never mind my running out of the room and hiding, they would be asking to die horribly -- beginning with my smashing the freakin' camera right in their faces before I beat them with caliath, skin and disembowel them alive in the tradition of my favorite fictional warrior clan.

Ah, but I digress. Yeah, I know, I still have to get the next transitional haircut, i.e., the military buzz, but now here's some more bizarre for you...I'm a nighttime shower-taker.  Well, because I quit both coloring and blow drying my hair in the late 80s in my desperate efforts to make it be "healthy enough to grow to my butt," my regular shower time became 7:30-8 PM or thereabouts -- so that by a reasonable bedtime (10 PM) my hair would dry naturally and I wouldn't be going to sleep damp headed (which made it wavy, and I liked it straight). 

Well, Saturday night I got in the shower a little late (9 PM), guess I figured short hair would dry faster, right? Um, no, it didn't, and on top of that, I got tired early too (the chemo no doubt) -- and didn't care about going to sleep with undried hair, so I just went to bed damp headed. So I get up yesterday morning, have my coffee, go into the bathroom to brush my teeth and hair -- and my hair actually seemed to look ALMOST TOLERABLE! No, I still didn't LIKE it, but I felt like I could put up with it to the point where I actually CONSIDERED running downstairs -- WITHOUT MY WIG --  to the mailboxes in the apt building entryway to leave my bills for the mailman to take. OK yeah I chickened out in the end and didn't do it, but I actually did give it a few moments of real live serious thought.  (Gotta go out today or tomorrow anyway, as in OUT out, to run a couple of errands, so I'll just put on my wig and take the mail to the PO)...

Last night my Pack Rat called and I told him how I'd considered stepping outside my apt for 30 seconds without my wig, and he said, "I'm glad you're starting to see this a LITTLE more rationally now." LOL. My reply was, "You're a guy. This is a girl thing!" to which he said, "Must be."  Even though we don't agree about everything, he UNDERSTANDS everything else about me, and I mean EVERYTHING, like nobody else in the universe ever came remotely close to (including the man I was once married to or even my friend Kym!) -- except for this. He has even told me outright that when I'm bald THAT won't faze him either, "I've seen bald women before..." :-O  So OK, he just doesn't get this...so yeah, I guess it's a "girl thing."  All the more strange because my hair is the ONLY thing I'm "girly" about. I don't wear makeup and I'm not interested in clothes except that they should fit me comfortably, be weather-appropriate and hide my Midsection from Hell.

The weird thing is, while brushing my UG-LEE short hair on Sat night before I got into the shower I had actually said to myself, "Monday I should call Ms. Scissors Happy and make an appointment for the buzz cut this week -- I hate how I look so much already, how much worse can it get?" But then yesterday morning when I was able to barely tolerate it, I was thinking maybe putting the buzz off another week, wasn't ready to go back to TOTALLY hideous so soon...I dunno....maybe when my coffee sinks in a bit more, I'll be able to think about it again. But I know, yes, I "need" to do it this week or by early next week......  ::::shudder:::::

Ahhh, food. Yeah, I ate dinner like a storm the day I came home from chemo, but since then, no, and no, that's not how I normally eat either (only when my Pack Rat is here, which on average is every couple of MONTHS). I haven't felt sick/nauseous or even slightly "anti-food," and what I've eaten has tasted good so far -- it's just that I haven't felt like eating MUCH, and haven't felt like cooking at ALL. I microwaved the leftovers from Post Chemo Dinner on Friday (eggplant parm with ziti is filling, so it was enough for two meals!). Saturday I ate two small meals of instant oatmeal and canned fruit before and after the 4-hour naps LOL, and yesterday I had instant oatmeal for "breakfast" (noontime), and a can of Chunky sirloin burger soup for dinner after the 3-hour nap. I know, it doesn't sound like much, but truth be told I don't have a huge appetite anyway (so where in the heck do I get this Midsection from Hell?!) and this isn't too different from what's normal for me. I usually only eat once or twice a day anyway, and the fact is, I did feel hungry so wasn't forcing myself to eat, and when I ate, it tasted good to me so I enjoyed it.  Pre-chemo I'd have still probably "only" eaten the oatmeal with or without fruit earlier in the day (or maybe a sandwich or scrambled egg, something light), but instead of the canned soup, yeah, dinner would have been a "real meal"  -- specifically I'd been in the mood for chicken and rice with green beans, but was too tired to bother cooking it (and just could not handle the idea of having to wash pots and pans if I cooked!) so I just microwaved the soup! Haven't eaten yet today but I'll get around to it when I'm hungry.

Oooh, I love garlic bread -- didn't order any when we had the Italian dinner after chemo (was more in the mood for a cheesecake dessert LOL), but garlic bread in general, YUMMMMM, and I do order it -- or garlic KNOTS! -- most of the time when I have Italian.  :-) Dunno if I avoided heartburn by not having garlic bread on chemo night, but heartburn is mostly a non-issue with me anyway (probably because I dislike and don't eat ANY "hot" and very little spicy food: garlic bread/garlic knots is actually the only significantly spicy food I like and that never gave me heartburn). I did buy a bottle of Pepcid maximum strength just in case during my "Stock Up on Chemo Survival Supplies" run a couple weeks ago because I'd read that heartburn can happen from chemo and wanted to be ready, but I haven't had to take any yet.

Yummmm, rice pudding! I just put that on my next shopping list. Dunno why I didn't think of it before, but I'll be sure to get some....

...or maybe not...About weight gain (ugggh that's almost as bad as bald!) -- both my oncologist and my chemo nurse told me women on chemo DO gain weight and that I shouldn't be surprised if I put on 10-20 pounds even if I eat less than usual (which I'm not so far: I still get hungry 1-2x a day, and I eat when I'm hungry in exactly the quantity I feel like eating). Not looking forward to this at all. If I believed in God I'd pray not to gain one more OUNCE even. At 5'5 135 pounds, ehhh, I'm "okay," but I'd rather DROP 10-20 pounds (off the Midsection from Hell of course LOL) than GAIN -- I'm at what I consider to be my "maximum acceptable" weight right now. No more, please! (Yeah, Lena, so don't eat any more freakin' cheesecake and no garlic bread either next time, right?)

Nadine....  *hugs* thank you for joining me in my Pity Party too!

My hair is already too short for a pony tail; Kym gave me a pretty short "first transition" haircut straight off. I actually asked her to in the hope it would "prepare" me for the upcoming horrors of buzz cut and bald. It didn't really but OK, what's done is done. So since the Saturday before my first chemo, it's only been halfway down my NECK. The military buzz is next as I was mentioning, and I'm still shuddering to think about it even though I've finished my coffee by now and it's begun to take effect. Maybe if my head was hurting like you said yours had done, I'd be able to see getting a buzz cut or outright shaving my head as a relief from pain as you did....but I can't....and I don't even appreciate the lower maintenance of short hair (it's not worth it to me)...even though I HAVE TO admit that you're 1000% right about that part.

Absolutely yes --  with short hair (even not buzzed or bald yet), showers ARE a lot faster, I use way less shampoo/conditioner, initial detangling and fussing with the center part when I finish toweling went from 10-15 mins to next to nonexistent because I can just comb it back, and on top of that, I don't need to spend 2 hours post-shower doing something sitting up while periodically running the wide tooth comb through my hair so it dries STRAIGHT AND UNTANGLED by the time I go to sleep...but somehow I still think it was easier and less limiting to do all that long hair maintenance crap than I'm finding it to put on my wig (which for me is a wrestling match because of my partial left hand paralysis) when I have to go out. 

I don't feel "in control" at all, because I feel FORCED to accept something I consider unacceptable and absolutely would NEVER have chosen to do -- whether I cut my hair or not, it'll fall out anyway from the chemo --  not "acceptable."  My decision to cut was solely based on the idea that it's the "lesser of the evils" to cut it before it falls out as compared to shedding all over the place like an overheated sheep dog -- but "lesser of the evils" is, IMNSHO, still EVIL. If I end up discovering that ALL the choices necessary to live are between respective evils (as compared to choosing between desirable or mostly desirable alternatives which may have a "price tag" but basically put me somewhere I'd more or less like to be or at least don't mind too much), well, that's my "breaking point" on how far I go with this. If all I have to look forward to is living with evil, I can't be bothered anymore.

IMO having cancer is the ultimate exercise in OUT OF CONTROL. Besides that nobody signs up for this, think: the very nature of cancer is *abnormal cells reproducing out of control* to the point where, if not treated at all, we'll end up with gigantic tumors, weeping sores, pain, organ failure because abnormal cells don't function and tumors crowd out what's left of the normal cells, and a totally horrible death (although for some patients the treatment side effects don't sound much worse than this).

Mmmmm, I guess once I go Marine, I won't need conditioner at all anymore (never mind a comb or brush), huh? Just a tiny drop of shampoo? Bald, I guess, just wash my head with the same liquid body soap I use on the rest of me?

Oh....ugggh....still.....

Hope you all are doing OK..... P.? Dare I ask, how was your TCH? Thursday was my start day too, only I'm getting AC/T. My preliminary MUGA scan showed my heart could take the A and my oncologist said my cancer is very aggressive and AC/T is better for that reason, though he did consider TCH for me at first (before he saw the bone met!). How many TCH rounds for you? Is this pre- or post-mastectomy for you? I'm supposed to have 6 rounds of the AC/T prior to mastectomy. One down, five to go...next onc appt is 4/20, next chemo is 4/30...

Kathy? Geri? You okay?

Oh, Geri, I had bookmarked several wig sites a couple months ago, and found one at headcovers.com I liked a lot, but I was reluctant to buy a wig online because I was afraid it would arrive and I wouldn't be able to figure out how to put it on, or be physically able to do it, at a point where my hair was either too short (like it is now) or gone altogether. Having zero past experience with wigs, I had to be able to try on a real wig in a real wig shop to make sure. If the shopkeeper hadn't shown me, I'd never have figured it out. I didn't even know what she was talking about when she said "wig cap" until she showed me one.  I know this all sounds totally ridiculous, but I'm spatially retarded (can't figure out anything with 'assembly required') and my left hand is partially paralyzed...so I did learn to put on a wig and can do it but it's still a wrestling match.  Anyhoo, the "cheap" immediate "quickie" wig (the one I tried on in the store with the shopkeeper showing me how; the one I have now) cost $90 -- my friend Kym went halfies on it with me, and then she took me to another shop saying I "have to" have a custom wig for the long term. My hair grows slowly, so presuming I live that long, it's going to take 3 years minimum post chemo for my real hair to grow back to my definition of acceptable "don't need a wig anymore" length (shoulder-length), and 5-6 to get back to what I LIKE (halfway down my back to almost waist-length), which, even though it's shockingly expensive (over a grand, and when I said to her "are you nuts?!" she said she'd EXPECTED a wig like that to cost at least $1,000 before she even brought me into the custom wig shop!) she insisted on paying for whatever my Medicaid won't cover on it (my chemo nurse wrote me a prescription for "medical hair prosthesis" and the saleslady said Medicaid would cover most or all of it). That one's going to take longer because it's custom, but since the "quickie" looks nice and I don't have to go out hideous even if I'm bald by the time I get it, I'm as OK as I can be with this. Both the quickie and the custom are halfway down my back, only the custom is my actual real haircolor and is human hair, not synthetic like the quickie.

I had also considered buying a scarf or two (saw some nice ones at TLC and headcovers.com) but I have way too much trouble tying things, so I'll stick with the wigs.

And bombus, FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL and allow yourself to express your honest emotions (you too Geri!) Cancer sucks, none of us asked for this and there is nothing wrong with pity partying if that's how you really feel -- and if you do, as far as I'm concerned, it's  NATURAL and NORMAL! Who in the hell is going to feel glad and happy with breast cancer?!  If we could or did, why would we "need" an online support group? Cry all you need to and don't pay attention to anybody who tries to exhort phony emotions from you. If or when a time comes that you do feel better emotionally and GENUINELY feel positive, more power to you.

Until next time...

~Lena.

P.S. Chelev -- I had a Neulasta shot Friday (the day after infusion) -- no issues, unless that's what made me so tired over the weekend instead of the AC/T....

(and hi,TractorGirl!)...

Gotta say I sure love you gals.  I can't help but laugh at us.  Others would think we was nuts as all hell.  Gotta share something that I found to be pure heaven right now...homemade smoothies.  I feel like I have really died and went to heaven.  My DH is going to learn how to make them for me during my upcoming rounds and thank goodness he hates fruit, milk and all leaves it all for me.  My appetite seems to be okay not what it was before BC but at least I am eating the good foods for the body to build up for the next attack.  This is day 13 since the 1st treatment and I had wished I didn't have to nap and all of that.  Well found out I can rest and not worry about other things like cleaning the house a zillion times a day.  Trying to store energy anyway I can.  But good news is finally after days of little sleep I finally slept last night and now am ready to do it again this evening.  Never thought about sleep before just went to bed and woke up in the morning.  Never thought about what I ate just did it.  I am sure learning a whole new world. but thats okay because I am learning so much about myself.

Well girls hang in there we are doing it our way!  And remember each day to do something special for yourself.  I know thats pretty hard but for me those darn smoothies hit the spot. 

Nadine

Hi, Ladies.  First full day back to work since tx on 4/2 - I made it through, though I am tired.  It felt good to be back to work and think of other things besides chemo (well, at least most of the day).  Believe1 - it does get better - give yourself a few more days.  I was exactly where you are now . . . and it really does suck.  Just know it does get better!!!  I can't believe I'm writing this, but now that I feel better I'm ready for the next treatment just to get it over with!

Geri, try adding to the Zantac with some Mylanta, Pepto or Tums.  The entire tx weekend from hell, and for several days afterward, I was on a steady stream of Prilosec (which I take anyway, daily), Pepto and Tums, and GasX, of course.  It did help, as did not laying down very quickly after eating anything.  I've had acid reflux for a long time, so it made sense not to do it again.

Nadine, I've been craving smoothies too - especiallly on tx weekend #1 - I didn't really want anything more than chicken, or a smoothie or shake, that kind of stuff.  I was going to buy a blender (I killed ours last summer with the last of the frozen margaritas - melted the blender but saved the drinks!), but my mom is getting it for me - I told her to make it an early Christmas present, because I wanted to start making smoothies again.  I might pick up some of the protein powders to supplement with as well.  We have a really good smoothie place here in Florida, and we usually do those for lunch on the weekends and split a wrap.

I'll keep you all posted after my onc visit tomorrow to talk about the shortness of breath - which is better today, just if I start laughing or exert myself too much, I notice it.

Have a good night, you strong wonderful women!

Michele

Hi Gals,

Please give me the lowdown:  Is  A the hard part of AC/T?  And why do we gain weight if we aren't eating anything????    I just got where I wanted to be! Did anyone else start losing weight without trying right before they were dx??? Tomorrow I get my medi-port and I think I am starting to get really frightened about all this...... makes me want to back out.....

Tammy

Hi Everyone...I get my central line tomorrow morning and 1st FAC in the afternoon.  Yes, I'll have to say I'm terrified but anxious to start so I can get it over with.  Good luck to all who are starting this week!

Hi Kathy,

Appointment to pick up wig is for 2:30 today, so I shall have alternate hair by late this afternoon - now, doesn't that sound better - alternate hair- NOT.  You go for a cut today right?  When does your chemo start?

txgal - I will be thinking of you

Geri

To TMD or others dealing with constipation from treatments......my doc told me to take a colace softener every day.....it has helped....but only after I drank some magnesium citrate.....thank god for that..it was nasty...but did the job...I was in such pain....that was the only thing that helped.....now with a colace everyday.....it has gotten better.....I I thought I was going to have to be worried about the opposite!

Hi Kathy,

 So sorry I didn't see your post about playing hooky until I got home - definitely would have loved to meet up with you.  Now we have an excuse to plan a meeting!  Wig looks fine for what it is meant to do and William is very kind.  I hope you;re appointment with him Sat goes well.

I will be saying an extra special prayer for you tonight for your chemo start tomorrow - I'm up early, so just know that the warm fuzzy feeling you get about 8AM tomorrow is me, wishing you good thoughts!

Today is Day 6 and this has not been nearly as difficult as I had expected, although I know that many on here have not been as fortunate.  Just make sure you have that colace or sennekot, because as giglgrl points out - constipation is just no fun! And the heartburn was a b***h, but sooo much better on the Zantac!

Geri

Hi everyone, just spent 30 minutes catching up with all the posts from the last couple of days. Hope you are all doing well.

Today was day 14 from my first treatment, and my hair is starting to fall out, not very fast, but noticeable when I comb it, and also had some head pain / itching for the last 2 days.  I have been away for Easter and go back to work tomorrow - I hope my hair lasts until Friday - it is very thick so I have a chance! But I'm ready to buzz it off tomorrow night if it starts coming out fast.  I have a wig and hats and scarves at the ready...   I also got some eyebrow powder today - I have very dark hair and thick eyebrows, so the prospect of no eyebrows is wierder for me than no hair! 

Otherwise, I finished a course of antibiotics (due to very low white blood count) yesterday -  I think it was causing sleeplessness so I'm hoping for a decent night's sleep tonight to be ready for work tomorrow (though it won't be a full day as I have an appt. for blood test at 2.45).

Good luck to those with treatments coming up in the next couple of days! Lou.

bombus

Good luck today, I will be thinking of you, remember we are doing this together.  Let me know how it goes.

Kathy 

 Amen-----I totally agree with you, thank you for this post.

Hi Robin,

Thank you for popping over as someone who can show us this IS DOABLE.  What a great post for me to read - thank you, thank you!  I hope to be ale to do this for someone else when my treatment is done.

Geri