Facing the Future

Yep----that is how we should see it!

I have a new perspective on so much---like trying to control things for  "AFTER". I used to think I needed to hang on til the kids went to college, but then I realized it would mean they would all be in separate places & not have each other--OR--they would all come back to this house & give up their lives to be with each other----IS that giving up their lives?? I got caught in so many hamster wheels b4 I realized--I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM cuz I can not see "After"! So I no longer feel bad about bringing this into their lives (as we ALL do!)  I can not know the reason for or outcome of this journey....but all things will be made clear...after!

HUGS all--be well & stay strong 

STANDING UP FOR MY DREAM-girl!!  

NOW, TOMORROW & ALWAYS, my friend!

You are who/what we all wanna be when we grow up!!! (but me & Peter Pan...can't say too much! LOLOL)

HUGE HUGS 

Does anyone ever wonder how sick we will have to be to stop posting here on BC.org It scares me.  I keep dwelling on those that can't even type in order to communicate with us, and wonder when that will happen to me.  Right now we can all still joke and make plans and basically deal with it all,, but my fear is when death comes so close that I feel its breath... that I'll freak.  Right now I thought I was accepting it all but I think deep down I'm still hiding my head. Could that be true?

Lynn, your questions made my think of JoAnne, and so looked back at her posts, almost exactly a year ago.  She last posted on the board on March 8, and then her brother came on and posted updates.  She died on March 19. Her blog is still online, and everytime I go back and read her posts I am comforted.

http://joannes-blog.blogspot.com/2008/03/fare-thee-well-love.html

She had a way of always saying the right thing, of keeping the right perspective.  A gentle lady, and so smart!

I agree-at the moment, I'm as reconciled as I can be to the knowledge that my life won't be as long as I had hoped. But the final weeks/days/hours scare me-how much will we be aware of etc. Obviously we have no way of knowing, other than what we have witnessed-but the thought of my loved ones suffering makes me hope that the final phase will be very quick indeed. I  joke that my OH can always make me feel better (and he can, if only emotionally-but he sometimes comes up with some good ideas to help with the physical symptoms too!). When I said this a few days ago, the pain on his face was raw-without asking, I just knew that he was thinking, "but one day I won't be able to help...."

Just wanted to say thank you for everyone for posting on this thread.

While I hope I'm at the beginning of my mets journey, I having been thinking & worrying about many of the things you are all talking about.  Thanks again.

I'll remember to stock up on oxygen and morphine, dreamwriter. Thanks for sharing that info.   I've told my family doc,, that I want everything and lots of it. I'd rather be out of it,, than to see all my family and friends faces and tears. We haven't actually had "the talk" yet though.  

I visited a site that was posted above about JoAnne who passed away last year. What I can't beleive is that she was posting one day and a month later,, she had died.  Thats only 4 weeks.  I think I've been trying to convince myself that this will take much longer than reality is showing me. 

Hugs All! We all share the same fears. I have always feared drowning...but having experienced sleep apnea I also fear suffocation.........I fully trust that Hospice makes it peaceful & gentle...

I also believe WE have more control over the time frame than we realize......If family releases you I think it can be quick; if they cling it takes longer. I truly believe that in the same way we can beat the odds & live longer than expected; we can also DECIDE to make a quick exit! That's my plan.......

BTW----I KNOW dh will be sure to call some of my sisters here & they will post the news of my passing....he knows that is important to me. 

Be well & stay strong 

Having one of those days as well.  Since I have lung mets, suffocation always  comes to mind.  Last week I had to have my 17 yo call 911 because I couldn;t catch my breath.  That is not what a 17 yo should worry about.  That's why I hate this disease.  Today I have been spending the day thinking about letters to the kids.  I have put them off for awhile and don;t want to not do it.  Its hard not to  I do it.  Anyone else have that problem.  I don;t think i am close to dying, but every time I need to have my lung drained scares me more as if the time is getting closer and then I worry about all of this and the effect on my family.

I know that my faith has been carrying me thru, but today, I feel more alone.  Yup, I know He hears our prayers, but why would mine be any more important then the thousands of other moms who don;t want to leave their kids.

So, now what, walk around the house crying?  Its a tough day...sigh...randie

Hugs all--yep--this sux! As my dh would say, "Some days you eat the bear..some days the bear eats you!" We can just substitute "beast" for bear..........I HATE loosing a sister here...

BUT......each day brings something new.....I pray today is better for each of us & that we find the strength we need to face whatever comess........

We can't know the outcome, but I believe my kids part in my disease will make them better human beings than many of their peers--I believe it IS part of being a family to care & worry for each other---just sux to know we can be the cause of so much worry!

HUGS=be well & stay strong 

My husband's mother was quite ill for many yrs- mental illness, cancer, lots of stuff. No its not fair and not what you want your children to see and have to deal with. How ever, the gift in this was that he was 13 when she was dxed and 19 when she died. My children were 15 and 18 when I was dxed. What a gift it has been because he GETS it, and understands it from their point of view. He has been great with the children...when to talk, when not to, what to watch for. I believe it has made it easier for the children, because of what he went thru.

He is an attorney (malpractice) and has taken many med school courses/seminars etc so he understands the medicine. It use to drive me crazy--he would be so paranoid regarding docs. What a gift it has been since my dx- he understood what was being said, what the options were/are. Often we would talk after appointments and he would decode the meetings, answered questions that come to mind afterwards etc.

When you sit back and look at things, ponder things that have happened..its amazing what comes up. The people you've met, things you went thru (or others) and how they all come into play now.  Things I can't control, yet some how work out for the best, maybe not now but at some time. Things the children are dealing with shape who they will become, the understanding of life, how they view things. Maybe not now, but the experiences we have will become helpful, useful, something good some where down the road.  Maybe not for us, but for someone we meet, maybe not in our life time, but in our childrens, or grandchildrens. The plan or pattern of life. I am so saddened when I hear of another sister who has died, I am also so grateful for the time I've had to chat with them, or read their posts. A little piece of each of these ladies are now a part of me...what a gift! And none of that would happen had I not been dx w/ stage 4 breast cancer. It was not part of my plan, but it has forced me to really slow down, to really see the world in all its glory and gore, reminded me that I am only human, to remind me of humility, to really look at what I do and say to others. To be reminded that I do not control the world or even much in my life and that is ok, to look at what I can control and think carefully about what I do with it.

Not sure where I started, so sorry for the ramble, its one of those days. Saint and Dream, and others, I pray that you all find the place of peace and calm and comfort. I am grateful for the little pieces you have all shared with me and the pieces I keep from each of you.

Elaine

I agree about the loose ends. 

Dreamwriter, I totally have no idea what gene it is, it isn't brca1 or brca2 (negative for that one). 

Ovarian was stage "O,"  the cells were labeled "borderline malignant." 

I was curious about mets, too.  I asked, and the docs have told me that these are all seperate occurences.  

How wrong.  How very, very wrong. 

I know we will all die soon, and of course none of us want to.  

I just feel like now that I am a 3-timer, how much more can my body take!??!?!?!?!?

Dream-you have a very calming way about you.  Thank you! 

Good question. I get this a lot.