When you have time, read these four essays on grief

 Analemma,

Thank you for this link. I recently read a post (maybe it was your post) about grieving...and I thought to myself, "Am I grieving for my mother already, I wonder what "phase" I am in?".  I even thought for a brief moment, that maybe, if I am through most of the "steps", then it won't be so bad.  I was Googling (is that even a word?) and found nothing on the internet that I could relate too.  I came to the realization, that yes I am grieving, but not for my mother's death, but I do have true feelings of grief, grief that my mother was diagnosed with this awful disease, grief that my mother has become so ill, grief that I may soon one day lose her, just plain old grief.  I guess I am working though the steps, but I now know that one day, I will be smacked right down to Step one, Denial, and start all over again.

Thank you so much for posting that link.  I have read the first one so far.

   My dad died 6 weeks ago of esophageal mets throughout his body.  He was diagnosed about 2 months before that.  I started grieving as soon as he was diagnosed.  In my dad's case, no treatment was offered, except hospice.

  I started grieving then of all the time I wouldn't have with him.  He lives on the west coast where I was born and raised and I'm on the east coast now.  I went to see him with my sis in January, about 3 weeks before he died.  I knew I was traveling to say good-bye. 

  It's weird now, he's been gone six weeks and I guess others think I should have moved on already.  Or just forget it was only last month that he died.

  I find myself thinking, "I need to send dad a picture of my garden or all the work I've done in my fields," and then I remember.  He was the one person in my family who was a rancher and a farmer and could share in the joy of my fields and new garden.

   I don't know where he is now.  My sis said she got a message from him and he told her he had landed.  I wonder where he landed .. I hope it's in the avocado orchards he loved so much.

Thanks for letting me share this and remember my dad today.

love,

Bren 

    Thanks Elaine ... for your kindness in writing back. 

love,

Bren

I don't usually post here as I wish to respect those that are posting on this forum..

I just want you to know that this particular forum is helping me to cope with the death of my 41 year old son last September. My world has changed forever and I cope I minute,1 hour,1 day at a time.

You are all in my prayers.

Judy 

Thank you Brenda,

It is the very worst thing that could happen.Very,very difficult. My heart is broken.

Judy

Judy, I'm so sorry that you lost your son.  That is my biggest fear, my second being that I would leave one of them without a mother.

Bren, it's only 6 months.  Shame on anyone who thinks you should be over it.  I lost my Dad 25 years ago when he was 56 and I was 31.  I had just had my first baby.  My heart was broken.  I spent my entire maternity leave crying for my dying father.  I spent several years in a fog.  I greived for the loss of my father and the loss of a grandfather for my children.  We were robbed of having him in our lives.

Dear Des,

   My dad died 7 weeks ago from cancer.  I'm glad he's not suffering anymore, but I didn't want him to leave and I'm still so upset about it.  I can barely stand to be in the house.  He loved being outdoors and in his avocado orchards and gardens.  I only feel peace when I'm outside.  Inside, makes me sad and I want to cry.  I don't want to move on ... I want him back.

   I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. Sending you a big hug.

Judy ... I'm so sad to hear you lost your son.  I can't imagine such pain.  Sending you love and a hug.

love,

Bren

Dear Bren and Des, 

I am so sorry you are suffering in your grief.There is a web site called Daily Strength that has a bereavement forum that I have found comforting.It is way to soon to be past your grief. It has been 6 months since my son died and only within the past 2 weeks do I feel that there are days that I can get thru a few hours without crying.We cycle thru the various stages of grief again and again.Sometimes it will come upon me with such force that I can't stand up.Just take it a minute,hour,day at a time.When my Dad died in 1996 it took at least 1 year before I was able to move forward and emerge from the fog. 

 I truely believe that there is life in heaven after death where there is no pain or misery.