When you have time, read these four essays on grief

Analemma

http://www.slate.com/id/2211257/entry/2211256/

I came on these today by accident.  I've read three of the four in the series.  They're from a writer who recently lost her mother to metastatic colon cancer, I believe.  I'm going to put them in my notebook for my husband and sons to read after I die.

DaughterMom

 Analemma,

Thank you for this link. I recently read a post (maybe it was your post) about grieving...and I thought to myself, "Am I grieving for my mother already, I wonder what "phase" I am in?".  I even thought for a brief moment, that maybe, if I am through most of the "steps", then it won't be so bad.  I was Googling (is that even a word?) and found nothing on the internet that I could relate too.  I came to the realization, that yes I am grieving, but not for my mother's death, but I do have true feelings of grief, grief that my mother was diagnosed with this awful disease, grief that my mother has become so ill, grief that I may soon one day lose her, just plain old grief.  I guess I am working though the steps, but I now know that one day, I will be smacked right down to Step one, Denial, and start all over again.

ElaineD

These essays are excellent.

DaughterMum-I think too, that at the moment you're grieving for a future with your Mum, which you should have, but which will possibly be taken from you much sooner than is right. I love you avatar-you look perfect together.

Bren-2007

Thank you so much for posting that link.  I have read the first one so far.

   My dad died 6 weeks ago of esophageal mets throughout his body.  He was diagnosed about 2 months before that.  I started grieving as soon as he was diagnosed.  In my dad's case, no treatment was offered, except hospice.

  I started grieving then of all the time I wouldn't have with him.  He lives on the west coast where I was born and raised and I'm on the east coast now.  I went to see him with my sis in January, about 3 weeks before he died.  I knew I was traveling to say good-bye. 

  It's weird now, he's been gone six weeks and I guess others think I should have moved on already.  Or just forget it was only last month that he died.

  I find myself thinking, "I need to send dad a picture of my garden or all the work I've done in my fields," and then I remember.  He was the one person in my family who was a rancher and a farmer and could share in the joy of my fields and new garden.

   I don't know where he is now.  My sis said she got a message from him and he told her he had landed.  I wonder where he landed .. I hope it's in the avocado orchards he loved so much.

Thanks for letting me share this and remember my dad today.

love,

Bren 

ElaineD

Hugs Bren. I too hope your Dad is somewhere perfect.

I'm amazed people can seriously think that you should/could have moved on-it's such early days for you, so you must still be feeling vulnerable and heartbroken. It's an old cliche, but time really does ease the pain-you'll always miss your Dad, probably as much as you do now, but you learn to live with it-and eventually the good/happy memories form the focus of your attention, not the horror of the final weeks.

Bren-2007

    Thanks Elaine ... for your kindness in writing back. 

love,

Bren

saint

Thank you for bringing this to us Analemma! I love the way she writes.

Hugs Bren. Sorry ppl are insensitive.

I remember wondering how the rest of the world could stay so normal when it seemed everything had changed forever! How could it be that no one else could feel it? HUGS 

Judy_Mc

I don't usually post here as I wish to respect those that are posting on this forum..

I just want you to know that this particular forum is helping me to cope with the death of my 41 year old son last September. My world has changed forever and I cope I minute,1 hour,1 day at a time.

You are all in my prayers.

Judy 

Analemma

Oh, Judy, all through my life when I imagined the worst thing that could possibly ever happen, it was that one of my children would die before me.

I'm so sorry.

Brenda

Judy_Mc

Thank you Brenda,

It is the very worst thing that could happen.Very,very difficult. My heart is broken.

Judy

saint

Ahhhhh Judy--so very sorry! I agree that THAT is the one thing I imagine as the worst that could happen......I have 2 friends who have lost sons in their 20's in the last year. I wish I had the words to bring all of you comfort & peace....you will be in my prayers. HUGS 

BMac

Judy, I'm so sorry that you lost your son.  That is my biggest fear, my second being that I would leave one of them without a mother.

Bren, it's only 6 months.  Shame on anyone who thinks you should be over it.  I lost my Dad 25 years ago when he was 56 and I was 31.  I had just had my first baby.  My heart was broken.  I spent my entire maternity leave crying for my dying father.  I spent several years in a fog.  I greived for the loss of my father and the loss of a grandfather for my children.  We were robbed of having him in our lives.

desdemona222b

Analemma -

Thank you so much for posting that link.  I lost my mother on March 7, just a couple of weeks ago now.  She had been very ill for a long time, but I find I am not taking her death as the blessing I thought it would be.  All along I thought that I would feel better when she was out of her misery, but I am finding it very hard to accept. 

Bren-2007

Dear Des,

   My dad died 7 weeks ago from cancer.  I'm glad he's not suffering anymore, but I didn't want him to leave and I'm still so upset about it.  I can barely stand to be in the house.  He loved being outdoors and in his avocado orchards and gardens.  I only feel peace when I'm outside.  Inside, makes me sad and I want to cry.  I don't want to move on ... I want him back.

   I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. Sending you a big hug.

Judy ... I'm so sad to hear you lost your son.  I can't imagine such pain.  Sending you love and a hug.

love,

Bren

desdemona222b

Thanks, Bren.  I guess you and I are pretty much on the same grief level - deepest sympathy.  I know one thing ---- I will never tell anyone "at least she is out of her suffering..." because right now that just annoys me since it seems to negate your right to grieve.  It's weird because I did take solace in that at first but now I'm just thinking, "The whole point is, she suffered and suffered a lot.  A living hell, really.  And yes she is out of her misery - she's dead."

I'm having a bad day today.  I've been pretty much useless all day.  Just talked to my brother, who is also having a tough time.

Judy. cannot imagine what you must be going through losing your son.  I am so sorry. 

Judy_Mc

Dear Bren and Des, 

I am so sorry you are suffering in your grief.There is a web site called Daily Strength that has a bereavement forum that I have found comforting.It is way to soon to be past your grief. It has been 6 months since my son died and only within the past 2 weeks do I feel that there are days that I can get thru a few hours without crying.We cycle thru the various stages of grief again and again.Sometimes it will come upon me with such force that I can't stand up.Just take it a minute,hour,day at a time.When my Dad died in 1996 it took at least 1 year before I was able to move forward and emerge from the fog. 

 I truely believe that there is life in heaven after death where there is no pain or misery.

Analemma

I've been collecting snippets of poetry, and as you might expect, in the past year a lot of it has been about mortality.  Here's one I like.

Late Fragment

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.

And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.

Raymond Carver

 It was the last poem he wrote.