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Jadai
Jadai Member Posts: 182
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

So, my mom was diagnosed with stage IV IBC (mets to bone) in September.  Ever since her 1st chemotherapy treatment she refuses to drive anywhere.  I call her the chemo nazi because other than being a bit run down she is feeling great and eating like a little pig, lol.  I have driven her to every treatment, appointment, etc but it is draining.  She can drive and won't and I don't get why.  I have two jobs, 3 dogs, a fiance and a house to keep and can't keep it up.  Is anyone else experiencing this?  I guess unless I walk in her shoes I won't understand why but to know anyone else is experiencing the same thing would be....helpful?  There will be a day down the road where I will need to do these things but not now and hopefully not for a long time!

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  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 8,188
    edited December 2008

    I have a sister, who is fairly looney.  She has refused to drive  the freeway for decades. My mother refused to drive the freeway. When I first moved into my present apartment 25 years ago, my sister visited me once for 10 minutes.  She has chosen not to visit for the next 24 years, in spite of my invitations. Then she said she didn't want to visit me because 'it was too hard on her shocks'.  I live not more than 15-30 minutes (out of a 2.5 hr drive) additional way from my father, who she visits at least twice a year.  Now, my apartment is on a road that is fully paved, no potholes, and about 6 blocks from a major freeway.  When her 7 year old daughter had leukemia, I visited her at least every other week for months. Her daughter is now 28, and is perfectly fine.

    I know you are in a different spot because your mom is having chemo and has mets.  Maybe this is her way of saying she is afraid of the future?? 

    My late aunt used to say that there are things that other people do-and you will never understand why.

    You have to protect yourself.  If you get sick because of all the stress, then what will your mother do in the future?  When we were taught CPR by the fire department, the first thing we were taught when you approach an emergency scene where someone is down, see what hazards are around you. If you get hurt, then there will be 2 people to rescue.

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  • NCdaughter
    NCdaughter Member Posts: 31
    edited December 2008

    Jadai,

    I am wondering if your mom's refusal to drive has less to do with her ability to drive and more to do with her desire to have you present at her treatments.  My mom usually drives to her appointments and treatments, but has never been to a chemo treatment by herself.  She likes it this way - it helps her pass the time and keeps her from focusing on why she is there and the other people getting treatments, who may be very sick.  If you are able to take your mom to her treatments, then consider it a gift to her.  If you are not, see if you can make up a schedule to include friends and neighbors who might be able to take her to appointments. Best Wishes!

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  • shari1232
    shari1232 Member Posts: 161
    edited December 2008

    Not having had chemo, I can only imagine that it is scary and that one's body reacts in ways unexpected and without much warning.  Even though putting on a brave face, I'm sure it is frightening to drive considering she may have what many here describe as "chemo brain."  Could be fear of many things, but bottom line is she is resisting.  You need to decide if you can accomodate her or if you need to call in some shift workers to help out (friends, a cab, whatever works).  Agree that if you're not good, it won't be good for her to have you there... except if it's really a rough time for her.  I am not a happy highway driver on a good day (people whizzing by me scares me) -- I would think chemo would make it scarier.  Cool that you are posting here.  You're a good daughter!

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  • Jadai
    Jadai Member Posts: 182
    edited December 2008

    Thanks everyone.  I have absolutely NO problem taking her for chemo and in fact I want to be there because she doesn't really understand everything sometimes and she will not drive on the highway.  Plus, I am the type that needs to know everything that is going on, I do tons of research, etc.  I am talking about little things like driving less than a mile to the store or to do laundry which is across the street from the store.  Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone and thanks again for lending an ear.   

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  • BrilliantInCa
    BrilliantInCa Member Posts: 16
    edited February 2009

    I know it's waayyyyyy after the fact, but I thought that your mom might be concerned about not feeling well WHILE in the car?Not a good situation driving on a freeway/busy streets.

    I have a totally opposite issue with my mom - no matter how bad/weak she feels, she insists on driving, ha ha   After she had her port-a-cath installed, she wanted to drive too, so I had to take away the keys:)

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  • Lena
    Lena Member Posts: 1,036
    edited March 2009
    Not wanting to drive while on chemo? Me, me, ME!  *jumps up and raises her hand like a grade schooler* I can only just barely handle driving ANYWAY!

    I haven't started my chemo yet but will soon (getting port-a-cath installed next Wednesday, 3/25 and at my 3/30 oncologist appt, details will be hammered out then), but I've had a driving phobia (of intermittent severity over the years ranging from "only in unfamiliar trafficky areas or bad weather" to "only JUST able to drive to work") from the time I was 17 and got my license to now, age 47, will be 48 in June unless I jump off a cliff by then) -- and I'm sure chemo brain won't make it any better. 

    I totally HATE driving and wish it was possible for me to never have to sit in the driver's seat of a car ever again for any reason! I've coped (more or less, probably less LOL) by:

    1.  Only driving when absolutely necessary (going to work, when I'm employed, and supermarket/errands which I run on the same trip so I only have to go out and do it once. When working, I did all my supermarket shopping and errand running on my way home from work, but I'm unemployed now (I Iost my job when the economy collapsed).

    2. Avoiding situations that give me panic attacks when I'm driving (unfamiliar areas, city-type heavy traffic), planning routes that are less direct but let me skip the horrifying "bad intersections" and left turns "into" oncoming traffic, and also, since my night vision started deteriorating several years ago, I have steadfastly refused to go out at night -- my friend Kym knows when I come over, I'm going to be leaving early enough to get home before dark). 

    3. As you can guess, driving in inclement weather (rain, snow, ice) scares the living crap out of me. Rain I will drive in when my destiation is local/familiar AND it's absolutely necessary (i.e., work only, when applicable), but snow and ice, NEVER! I used to GLADLY give up sick and vacation days just to not have to drive in snow or ice. 

    And that's how I've have to deal with driving while healthy -- i.e., not on chemo/sick from side effects yet! I do stress very badly as it is, and there is just no way in hell I can deal with cancer stress AND driving stress at the same time. And, since I don't have anybody local I can ask to give me rides for my tests and treatments, well here's how it is and how it's been for me so far :

    My cancer center and the hospital it's associated with are on a "campus" which is located in an area I'm afraid to drive. This is the downtown area of my city, which I've lived in for almost 24 years, but for all this time, avoided like the plague because I have no sense of direction/get lost easily, and I get scared from heavy traffic even when I DO know where I am. But still, the first time I had to go there (to drop off mammo and ultrasound films at the hospital's Radiology/Women's Imaging Center) -- it's not far away in terms of miles (it's VERY close to where I live in fact) -- the directions SOUNDED easy enough, so rather than my first instinct (call a taxi) I decided to try driving there. But I got lost and had such a severe panic attack (heart pounding in chest, shaking) I ended up going straight home even when I finally got to a point where I knew where I was in terms of both getting home AND "conveniently" trying again to get to the hospital, but I had already "lost it" too bad so I went home and called a taxi. That's how I got my films to them.

    Since then, I've taxied there for almost everything: a second set of mammos/ultrasounds the hospital radiology department wanted to do since they considered the first set not good enough, my biopsy (twice: once for the core needle biopsy they couldn't do because the doctor couldn't get the local anesthetic needle into the interior of my breast without reducing me to tears from the pain even though the skin local had been administered...she finally stopped after tryhing to get it in for 20 excruciating minutes...then said my tumor was too big and dense, so I had to get a surgical excisional biopsy under a general instead), my first oncologist appointment after the biopsy result came in, and then all the scans he ordered, which had to be done in the hospital (PET, bone, MUGA, CAT, brain MRI). 

    However, thank goodness!! I found out at my first oncologist appointment, that the cancer center actually will provide transportation for patients, to and from oncologist appointments and chemo treatments, for anything I have to do at the cancer center itself -- but not for the hospital, even though the hospital is IMMEDIATELY NEXT DOOR to the cancer center, and everything I'm doing at the hospital has been following direct orders from my oncologist and solely related to my cancer. But still, it's better than having to provide my own transportation for everything. So mostly from now on, at least I'll have the cancer center van picking me up and bringing me home. The van has come for me twice so far -- my first meeting with the chemo nurse and my second oncologist appointment. The only thing I can think of right now where I still have to taxi is my port-a-cath installation, which will be done in the hospital. Yeah, my mastectomy will be at the hospital too (presuming I survive the chemo), but my Pack Rat will be coming down for that. 

    I also Googled this morning to find a local pharmacy that delivers. Yup, found one. Thank goodness! I mean, my chemo nurse (who I've now seen in person twice) says if my anti-nausea meds don't work, or I'm having other serious problems, to call her immediately on her pager so she'll call a change of med, new med or whatever to my pharmacy. But if I'm so sick I have to DO that, I think it's logical to assume I probably won't be in good enough shape to go out to get it, even walking! I've never used that pharmacy before but I know where it is (I pass it every time I go to the supermarket) and consider it to be in moderately easy walking distance from my apartment...at least it would be NOW, before I start getting sick!

    Jadai, I know from other posts that by this point your mom did OK with her chemo and surgery, and is well into recovery (YAY!), but IMO this issue is still a valid topic, certainly for me! Thank you so much for raising it and unintentionally allowing me the opportunity to let off a lot of steam which has been stressing me out almost as bad as having cancer!

    ~Lena.
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  • Jadai
    Jadai Member Posts: 182
    edited April 2009

    Lena,

    I can see your point and am really so glad that you are finding all of the resources you need to get you through. Well, my mom is driving again and you will be too before you know it!  Hang in there and keep venting, posting, whatever you need to do, we are all here to listen!  Have you had your 1st chemo yet?

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