Thanks for this forum!!!

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  • paweed
    paweed Member Posts: 41
    edited February 2009

    I am glad I stumbled upon this.  I have been struggling with what I wasn't sure.  I keep saying to myself, I still can't believe this happened to me.  I just know that I have been horribly punked.

    So here's my question

    If I accept the fact that I've diagnosed with breast cancer, then does that means I have to accept the possiblility of it coming back.?  I don't like that thought .  I would have thought that by this time, 7 months later, I would have wrapped my head around this.  NOT

    thanks for any pearls of wisdom, some of which I've already read.

    Patty, getting her daughter on the school bus.

  • artsee
    artsee Member Posts: 1,576
    edited February 2009

    Paweed.....You are NOT alone in your thoughts. We wouldn't be normal if we didn't think about the "what if's". I do not think that we can put it totally out of our minds. It's been a year and I am constantly looking over my shoulder the minute a " pinch, tweak , or strain taps me on the shoulder. That's a tough one to get over. Maybe as we get towards the 5 year mark that will lessen. Sleepless nights don't help the thought process either. One thing flows into another. I guess we should continue to prayer for good health and ask God to lift us up into happy spirits and successful recoveries. Yes, Cancer sucks...and now we have to find the best way to deal with it before we get slung over that edge..........

    Hugs to all, Artsee

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2009

    Hi, everyone. Just wanted you to know that I am 5 years out from initial diagnosis and still have the issues we are reading about on this thread. I can say that the days of depression and worry are fewer and more time passes in between. I was never a depressed person before this, and my doctor prescribed anti-depressants as part of my nerve damage pain, not for depression. However, I know I went through PTSD because of this journey. I can say it's been a long time since I had a nightmare about the cancer, and truly don't think of recurrence as much any more. Guess the old saying about time healing all wounds is correct. I still have days when I don't want to face anything or anybody, but that may be because of other issues in my life - like getting old, getting fat, getting poor (!), but no longer just because I had cancer. Don't get me wrong, I DO NOT want to give up my anti-depressant. I think, tho', that it gets easier with time.

  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited February 2009

    Laura - that's the worst part...old, fat,poor, AND maimed from cancer.  And they wonder why we get cranky?? 

    But, I know we are thankful that we're doing as well as we are! 

    And, from your picture, I'd say you look remarkable for an old fatty!!Laughing  Now you know why I use my old hounds - they're much cuter than I!!

  • pabbie
    pabbie Member Posts: 370
    edited February 2009

    Hi-I am also reading Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. I'm very attracted to books that are making sense of my cancer experiences. Take care.

  • Wintermoon623
    Wintermoon623 Member Posts: 119
    edited February 2009

    I'm so glad to know I'm not alone in how I feel sometimes.  I often think it was easier when I was in treatment cause I was doing something pro-active and I was so focused on getting through chemo and radiation that I didn't have time to be depressed.  I kept up that "good attitude" everyone talks about.  Now I feel lost.  It is difficult to realize that life is never going to be the same again.  That and everyone expects you to return to how you were prior to diagnosis....but you never will.  Also, they don't want to hear your concerns about recurrence...but it is always on your mind...at least it is on my mind.

  • paweed
    paweed Member Posts: 41
    edited February 2009

    Wintermoon623  _  You are so right about feeling lost.  I have found that I am on this site more now that I have finished my treatments.  Life will never be the same as much as my family and friends would like it to be.  It is comforting to know that I am NOT insane, crazy or unusual in how I am thinking.

    Still waiting for Ashton.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2009

    mz: Thanks for the comment! I LOVE your avatar - I think your dogs are beautiful! Everyone who said it is harder now that treatment is over is absolutely right. The only thing we can do now is wait...and I HATE waiting. I do things more healthfully that I did before my diagnosis, but it doesn't feel proactive enough. I will always have thoughts in the back of my mind.

    Paweed: I love your question about accepting cancer meaning we accept the possibility of recurrence. I don't know what to think about that; I still have trouble accepting that cancer GOT ME, and I know it did! Bottom line, whether I accept it or not won't affect the chance of recurrence, and that SUCKS! I guess nothing makes me feel more vulnerable that not being able to control this. Maybe I need to UP my meds?Wink

  • marejo
    marejo Member Posts: 1,356
    edited February 2009

    Just found this thread and want to say as a 3 1/2 year survivor I do find it gets easier BUT it's always with you.  It just doesn't constantly weigh on you as it does in the beginning.  Geez, how can it not.  There are no rhymes or reasons to this disease.....it can strike anytime to anyone. 

    So, yes, we do need to hang on...stay positive and live each day we are blessed with to the fullest.  Our tomorrows are unknown to us (and that's a good thing)  Only those of us here - who truly get it - understands what we has cancer survivors go through.  Only those who have walked in our shoes can know what it's like.......the others.......well, as well intentioned as they are - they  just don't get it...and we hope they never have to get it.

    Hugs to all my "sisters"

    Mary Jo

  • artsee
    artsee Member Posts: 1,576
    edited February 2009

    Burns....you'll have four  years in this year.That is wonderful. Does it get a little better the further you get from the start of this journey? Monday is the first 6 month mamo....here we go again.More stress! Trying to think positive but it's hard.

    Artsee

  • pee
    pee Member Posts: 456
    edited February 2009

    To Farila...I have found you.  Yes, your depression must lift. You have Farheena who needs you badly.  Oh!  And so do I.  I am feeling very weak and need you to lean on...or at least hold each other up.  You know I love you my sister.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2009

    Artsee: Yes, Time Heals All, as the saying goes. I now get stressed on the things that used to bother me, in addition to the Big C!!!!! I have days go by when I don't think of it at all; then the random thought will pass through my mind brought on by the silliest thing. I think the bottom line is what some of us call our "new normal." We will never be totally free of the worry, but we will no longer be defined by it.

  • marejo
    marejo Member Posts: 1,356
    edited February 2009
  • my3girls
    my3girls Member Posts: 3,766
    edited February 2009

    Thanks Laura...I like that quote..do you mind if I "steal" it??

    xoxo

    Lisa

  • my3girls
    my3girls Member Posts: 3,766
    edited February 2009

    I just added that quote to my work email signature...right above the pink BC ribbon!!

  • farila_1966
    farila_1966 Member Posts: 224
    edited February 2009

    Hi Pee.. I am glad you are here but not for the reasons I wanted you to be here for. You know I joined this site a few months ago and gave you the link which you ignored ;).

    I am working hard on getting out of depression and Marin is trying to help. She is wonderful lady here. Also taking some other help. It is not being easy on me. And for God's sake don't worry about Farheena.. she is making sure that she is taken care of. She is turning into sort of mini Maa nazi now. Love you always ... Sister of heart.

    Farida

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2009

    I'm so proud I said something that makes sense and someone else liked! Must be that the chemobrain is finally fading!!!!!!!

  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited February 2009

    Laura - What about those of us who didn't have chemo???  Can I blame my mush brain on rads?  Or just cancer?  Somehow radiation brain has a scary sound.  Guess I'll go with cancer brain!

  • tami48
    tami48 Member Posts: 533
    edited February 2009

    Farila, you said "Hiding from friends, scared to say something for the fear for saying something wrong etc etc.."

    I'm also hiding from friends and family, screening phone calls, etc.  It sucks, but I don't want to hurt anyones feelings by snapping at them or saying something I really don't mean...I've been very irritable and moody lately.  Just know that we're thinking of you and hoping your depression will soon be lifted, please keep us posted on how your doing.

    I had originally posted on Antidepressants, wasn't sure which place I should post.  I'm just glad that we have this forum....thanks everyone!

    Your a great bunch of ladies!

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2009

    mzmiller - for some strange, unknown reason I guess I chose chemobrain rather than AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder! Can't be forgetful 'cause I'm gettin' old!!!

  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited February 2009
    Oh, I LOVE AAADD!!!  If I could only remember what it stands for, I'd use it!!   Wink
  • swimangel72
    swimangel72 Member Posts: 1,989
    edited February 2009

    Shell I totally feel for you..........you've been through a HELL of a year! My deepest sympathies for the loss of your family members - wow! What a total blow! whewYou are absolutely NORMAL in feeling depressed! One suggestion - have you had your thyroid tested? I was shocked that my thyroid numbers became low after chemo - once I started on synthroid, I felt much more energetic. Maybe you can ask your doctor - it's a simple blood test.

    Shell - even if you didn't have cancer, you've been through so much already, and dealing with a war - and explaining things to your kids - the entire state of the world is so shaky now, it's frightening. And considering how before cancer you were "super woman" - I was like that too. My family still comes to me with all their problems - it wears me down - I feel like there's no one who can really carry the burdens except myself. Oh my DH is a dear kind man, but sometimes clueless - and he doesn't have to deal with the kids' health issues either. I have told my two daughters in college and my high-school son, "Do NOT get sick! I can't bear the thought of making any more doctors' appointment!" much good that lecture does. Of course they still get sick and still call me for help, sigh. On top of that - I have about 35 pounds to lose - and like you said, it's a vicious cycle - I just want to go to bed and hybernate! So this past week I pushed myself to swim more and now my back is killing me just from sweeping the floor. I too am obsessed with reading about recurrences and mets............I know I'm being ridiculous...........but it's as though I want to know what the worse-case-scenario is so that I won't be taken by surprise, the way I was so shocked at my dx last year. I just don't trust my doctors either - I feel like they're just going through the motions - I'm just adding to their quota - and deep down inside my heart, I also have this bad bad feeling that I'm going to have a recurrence. I have felt like blow after blow - like I've been on the "bad-luck-train" since this thing started.........but of course, I feel guilty even thinking these thoughts since so many of my dear dear sisters here have it so much worse - and they have much better attitudes than I do. Maybe once I get my next two surgeries over with I'll feel better - I'm scared though - I'm scared of getting MRSA again - I'm scared of my abdominal incision not healing again - I'm almost tempted to leave "well enough alone" even though I look 6 months pregnant with this abdominal hernia. And then of course I still need to get the gall bladder removed.......so between all my doctor appointments, and work, there's no time at all (and little spare money) to make plans for a trip somewhere warm. I feel so jealous of my SIL - her lump turned out totally B9 - and she went on a wonderful trip during this winter break - while I'm stuck home doing laundry and going to doctor appointments. Jealousy is a BIG part of my bad attitude - I really need to BLAST that green monster right between the eyes! devil

    I do rely on God to get me through each and every day - I see His presence everywhere - even in my aches and pains.........teaching me, humbling me..........maybe He doesn't like me to be "super women"..........maybe He has another plan of action for ume? My life and destiny is in His hands..........and if today I'm down in the dumps, I'm praying that tomorrow will be a better day - for all of us.angel

    Edited to add:  Once again I failed to read through the entire thread - I only got to the end of Page 1! I hope everyone is OK - and my thanks to the moderators for starting this much needed forum! I 

  • shelloz1
    shelloz1 Member Posts: 405
    edited February 2009
    • Hi Swimangel,

     Thank you for your kind words and your understanding.  I know that I have been through hell and back, and yet there are still many sisters here who have suffered even more, I guess I should not complain in comparison.  Each person goes through this in their own way, during treatment I was very strong, everyone said, wow, you are taking this so well.  I believe I was so occupied at the time, I didn't even realize what was happening.  I think that all the stages are difficult, diagnosis, you are in shock and then waiting to see what will happen next.  Surgery, I had problems and complications afterwards, treatment, for me it was horrible, I suffered a lot.  Then after it's all over, you are supposed to be cured and go on your way, but, instead you are always worried about the reoccurence.

    Like you, I'm obsessed with reading the boards, and I am sure that it will return.  I don't believe the doctor's, I constantly question their answers, and I want more and more tests to reaffirm what they have told me. It's almost like we are wishing it upon ourselves (for what reason I have no idea), maybe it's because then we won't be worrying about it anymore.

    I have started recently on Effexor (both for hot flushes and depression), it might be working, I haven't been crying every minute.  Unfortunately, still having the hot flushes, so maybe it takes a little more time to kick in.

    I want to say that this is a wonderful board, and I hope and pray that the ugly beast will stay away from everyone and never return.

  • Jo_Ann_K
    Jo_Ann_K Member Posts: 277
    edited March 2009

    Yes, this bulletin board has been a true blessing.  I have learned so much from everyone. Some days this bulletin board and chat have helped me get through a particularly bad day.

    Don't know why, but here I am 6 months out from my diagnosis and I'm totally anxious and bummed out.  However, I did a good thing this week. I went to a wonderful program at the local hospital for survivors addressing all the issues that I had concerns about.  I walked away with some important "must-dos":

    1) Make myself the priority.  No matter that ill parents are sucking the life out of my husband and I and work demands are great, find the strength to say "no" and "I come first".

    2) Find a support group to help me. It's okay to feel emotionally needy and take advantage of the wonderful community resources.  While my husband and family have been a terrific source of support, no one quite gets it like the person who has been through it.

    3) Learn to love yourself as you are and do what you can to make yourself as well as you can through better habits - eating, exercising, spiritually. Be positive.

    So...in that effort, I have made plans to join a local breast cancer support group in my community which meets twice a month and offers a lot of different services that help with #3. All this leading to making myself a priority.

  • BFidelis
    BFidelis Member Posts: 156
    edited March 2009

    Jo_Ann_K,

    Here's to you!! It IS you first. Really sounds like you're seeing with new eyes and while some of that hurts, it can also alter perspective.  You GO girl.

    Dona Nobis Pacem,

    Beth

  • mumito
    mumito Member Posts: 4,562
    edited March 2009

    You are spot on Jo Ann K

  • Jo_Ann_K
    Jo_Ann_K Member Posts: 277
    edited March 2009

    Tonight I go to the first meeting...still feeling positive.

  • EWB
    EWB Member Posts: 2,927
    edited March 2009

    Beth,

    I have to ask- what does "Dona Nobis Pacem" mean?

  • tami48
    tami48 Member Posts: 533
    edited March 2009

    Jo Ann K,

    Please let us know how your first meeting goes. 

  • Jo_Ann_K
    Jo_Ann_K Member Posts: 277
    edited March 2009

    The meeting was an introductory meeting to the Hopewell Center. I was the only outside participant, but the facilitator and another participant who had been going to meetings for 7 years was there.  The location was warm and fuzzy...an old house and the ladies who spoke about their services were kind and compassionate.  They offer two options for emotional support - a group with just breast cancer survivors, which is also educational, and then another group with folks who have all kinds of cancer, which is more emotionally supportive. I will definitely go again next week for the Breast Cancer Support Group and signed up to participate in the other group as well. I think this will be VERY helpful. It's all free too. 

    For anyone in the Baltimore Maryland area, they also provide individual counseling services..all free.

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