Poetry anyone?

Options
13»

Comments

  • Gillkath
    Gillkath Member Posts: 149
    edited January 2009


    I remembered today, but tried to forget ....

    That Saturday when I felt the small, hard ball just beneath my skin and the fearful recognition of what I had just discovered.

    I remembered today, but tried to forget ......

    Lying on the cold examination table, the stunningly quiet ultrasound technician with her eyes darting about the room afraid to settle her eyes upon my face .... her silence acknowledging what I already knew.

    I remembered today, but tried to forget ......

    The painful biopsies .... and how I charmed the room with my humorous quips to blanket the panic and fear that I was really feeling.

    I remembered today, but tried to forget ......

    The phone ringing a few days later, the calm voice of a nurse on the other end, a million miles away, saying matter-of-factly that I have breast cancer ... the phone call only lasting minutes but feeling like an eternity .... using words I couldn't yet understand like estrogen, progesterone, chemotherapy, and tamoxifen. And that voice cheerfully stating that it is a good thing that my tumor is hormone positive ..... A good thing would have been to hear her say that this was all a big mistake ...

    I remembered today, but tried to forget ......

    Putting on that brave mask and tellling my family and friends that I have breast cancer ...... seeing the palpable pain on their faces and hearing the regret in their voices ..... telling my two beautiful daughters together in my livingroom .... trying to reassure them that I will be fine but also havnig to be honest that my future is uncertain .... seeing their bright-eyed faces trying to be brave, recognizing their quivering chins and sagging shoulders, Katherine having to leave the room to compose herself.

    I remembered today, but tried to forget ......

    The surgery to remove my breast and the huge painful drain that became my constant companion, trying to hide it like it was something to be ashamed about, the same shame I felt about the breast cancer, like I had done something wrong.

    I remembered today, but tried to forget ......

    The first chemotherapy infusion ..... being scared to death when they started the i.v. ..... waiting to die when the toxic coctail made its way into my veins ..... realizing that I couldn't walk away from this like you can with other problems ..... sitting there for hours watching, just watching, the drugs drip into me .... drip, drip, drip ..... looking around the chemo room at all the sickness there and feeling like I don't belong.

    I remembered today, but tried to forget ......

    Waking up one morning and noticing that my arm hair had vacated my body, knowing what was coming, the loss of my hair was right around the corner, unavoidable. And, after my hair fell out, being afraid of mirrors for months for fear that I could see into the soul of the person staring back at me and having to face the pain held there.

    I remembered today, but tried to forget ......

    The sickness I felt for months .... my swollen body a traitor to me ...bearing all of the rarest side effects that even baffled the doctors .... but having to go on with my life as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, and coworker, never telling anyone how badly I really felt.

    I remembered today, but tried to forget ......

    Until this moment, when I can now look back and recognize the slow, steady signs of healing ..... the physical .... i.e. my hair growing back, shedding my wig, my edema slowly dissipating, losing the chemo pounds I had gained .... but also the emotional healing ..... being "okay" with that person staring back at me in the mirror, wanting to reach out to those less fortunate than I, wanting to be closer to my kids, friends and family, wanting to live....... wanting to love.

    Laurie

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • blessed
    blessed Member Posts: 83
    edited January 2009

    This cancer, this cancer

    that my body sustains

    two boobs I am missing

    and jello for brains

    side effects side effects

    chase after me

    I just keep running

    hoping to be free

    The pain and discomfort

    it won't get me down

    It has released the stength

    that had to be found

    I will keep running

    running away

    not from this cancer, this cancer

    will not dictate or have a say

    on when I can run and it won't

    make me stay

    in a place where I feel that it

    won't let me be

    so I will keep running

    playing, loving, praying

    just to be ME.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Marple
    Marple Member Posts: 19,143
    edited January 2009

    Hey, this is neat.  I've written many poems most of which have been lost in the shuffle of life.  Most of them rhyme too, but not this one.

    One thing I did write years ago as a child about a dirt road I loved called........

    The Old Line Road.

    Walking down a road with ditches,

    And raspberry bushes ripening in the sun,

    Reflections clearly seen in the puddles of mud,

    Where frogs leap at night,

    When the air is cool,

    And the crickets sing.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • YvonneB
    YvonneB Member Posts: 302
    edited February 2009

    Hi Blessed - I love you poem.  Here is one that I wrote in my darkest moments.  I'm happy to say that I feel much better than I did when I wrote it.  I didn't know about this discussion board when I had my mastectomy and felt the need to tell my story but didn't always feel like burdeoning those close to me, who were feeling so much pain watching what I was going through.  Writing my thoughts down took a bit of the burden off. 

    The Telling

    I can't really tell you

    How a few words I would hear

    Could immediately bring me

    An all encompassing fear

    You expect that the telling

    Should be quite an event

    He said "You have cancer"

    He said what those words meant

    A part of you thinks

    This just can't be true

    But way deep down

    Another part already knew

    Now comes the time

    That I need to do the telling

    I try to be calm

    But I can feel the tears welling

    I'm not going to freak out

    I'll just be quite brief

    I squeak out "I have cancer"

    How can words hold such grief

    So much for my composure

    So much for staying calm

    Just saying those few words

    Feels like I've dropped a bomb

    He says all the right words

    And holds me even tighter

    But I can see it in his eyes

    There is nothing but fright there

    "You'll be all right"

    "We'll get through it together"

    "There's no doubt it will be tough

    But there's nothing we can't weather"

    And so the telling began

    The hardest ones first

    How do you tell your kids

    What you believe is the worst

    They act stoic and strong

    I expected nothing less

    I know their hearts are breaking

    They'd never let me guess

    A huge family is a blessing

    Of that there is no denying

    But all of those calls

    Made the telling more trying

    How do you tell your mom

    That this nightmare is true

    She's lived through it twice

    She knows what I'll go through

    With each call I make

    I feel more detached

    This story I tell

    Feels like something I've "hatched"

    I hear "You can beat this"

    "Please let this be wrong"

    "Good thing they found it early"

    "Good thing you're so strong"

    But strong is the last thing

    That I feel right now

    I feel worried and scared

    Will I get through this somehow

    Put on a brave face

    Tell people it really doesn't matter

    But on the inside I feel

    Like my world just might shatter

    Time seems to be dragging

    The days go too slow

    It's time for the surgery

    Where did the time go

    They tell me things went well

    I'll soon feel "all better"

    But hard days carry on

    I don't think I'll feel normal ever

    Normal on the outside maybe

    But the person deep inside

    Will never feel the same again

    I tell myself to put those feelings aside

    I've had the best prognosis

    I know I should feel glad

    But to tell you the truth

    Some days I just feel sad

    Sad and mad and tired and sore

    My body feels so strange

    Sometimes I think it's not so bad

    But the next day the feelings change

    They say time will heal all

    I but I think I have to disagree

    I believe it's the telling that heals

    At least that's what works for me

    And so...on and on the telling goes

    It makes the burden seem lighter

    I think if I tell the story enough

    The future will only get brighter

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • blessed
    blessed Member Posts: 83
    edited February 2009

    Hi YvonneB, thank you for your kind words.  I don't write many poems, only when they ramble inside of my head and I have to finally release them via the keyboard then I am free again.  I loved your poem/story it was very heart felt and I could relate.  I write mostly stories of true and personal experiences more than poem.  Journaling is a perfect way to release and also a perfect place to pray when you can't talk to God about it.  I have been journaling for five year years now and I look (actually this past week) back and see all the wonderful moments in my life I may have forgotten.  I leave a history of my life to my son.  Just got back from speaking at our women's retreat at church for the first time about training for the battles.  The first was my son's drug addiction, while he was in a homeless shelter my dad was diagnosed w/brain cancer and died within 2 months and 10 months later I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  The first two battles was a cos for lots of training in trusting God and the 3rd battle was to me not comparable to the first two.  God by now showed me that he could be trusted no matter what and his Will would be done in my life and I was so o.k. with that.  The side effects are crazy, my boobs don't feel like my own but there is still nothing quite so painful as your heart breaking into a million pieces standing by with your hands tied.  I went from tough love to not being able to show my Dad enough love before he died.  God has a purpose and a plan for each of us.  My son is drug free today and a productive member of society and my Dad accepted Jesus and was saved, I am now 19 months into this cancer deal and so far I am free of it.  But what ever shall happen, I will praise God for he deserves the Glory!  God Bless  you, .......Love and Laughter Always, Blessed

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • YvonneB
    YvonneB Member Posts: 302
    edited February 2009

    Hi Blessed - I agree with you that sometimes the only way to get the feeling inside resolved is to put them to paper and then let them go.  I feel  much better now than when I wrote that poem that at times I feel that I should add a stanza or two just so that it isn't so dark.  But then I think that I will just leave it alone because that was how I felt and sometimes I need to look back and that makes the "now" seem brighter.

    God does work in mysterious ways and sometimes it is hard to make sense of it. We just need to trust in the Lord and hope all works out in the end. Blessings back to you!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • footprintsangel
    footprintsangel Member Posts: 43,890
    edited February 2009

      My Lord and I

    I walk each day in the light of God,

    He leads me with His faithful rod.

    We are friends in every way and

    I seem to grow closer to Him everyday.   My Lord and I

    He is always close by and I know

    He answers my every cry. And when I

    start to fall, He lifts me up and make

    me tall.   My Lord and I

    He reminds me to be strong and

    helps me not to do wrong. So I will

    walk with him each and every day,

    To help teach others His beautiful way.   My Lord and I      By Debbie

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories