Survior Guilt??

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Stickerlady
Stickerlady Member Posts: 31
edited June 2014 in IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)

I went through Breast  Cancer treatments last year (Chemo, Radiation) and finished everything in Oct. and I feel Wonderful. However, I had the strangest thing happen to me on Vacation. My husband and I were on vacation in Hawaii last week and I saw a woman in a wheel chair with a Bandanna and she is clearly in treatment. I walked by her and burst into tears and it was uncontrollable and I cryed in public. The woman did not see me but my husband just hugged me and I don't know why it effected me so bad. I talk to someone that said it is called Survivor Guilt. Does anyone know anything about this. It surprised me as much as it did my husband. Her husband wheeled her down to the beach later on that day and I watched her family enjoy their vacation but I was so upset for her. Will this happen every time I see some one in a Bandanna?

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  • bluewillow
    bluewillow Member Posts: 779
    edited February 2009

    HI Sticker,

    I just found your post and I can surely identify with your emotions.  While I was in the middle of my chemo treatments, my cousin was diagnosed with metastatic brain cancer.  We are the same age, grew up next door to each other, shared the same classrooms at school, etc. He moved away, then he and his wife moved back here to our hometown before his dx.  He was the picture of health until one day he had a seizure and was rushed to the ER-- the rest is cancer history.  Thankfully, he is now doing good and responding very well to treatment, but it has been so hard to see him go thru his ordeal knowing my cancer was caught early.  I am done with all tx and like you, feel wonderful (except for weight gain--another story)  My kids threw me a surprise end-of-chemo party in December and my cousin was there, cheering me on.  Man, that was tough and such a bittersweet day.  Hopefully someone familiar with Survivor Guilt and how to deal with it will respond here.  I know lots here have been dealing with the painful passing of several of our bc.org sisters recently. 

    Thanks for your post and just know that you are not alone in how you feel. Take care and enjoy being done with your treatment and feeling great!

    Hugs,

    Mary Jo

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  • Stickerlady
    Stickerlady Member Posts: 31
    edited February 2009

    Thank You for your quick reply. I don't think I could handle it if it was a family member. My worst fear in life was getting Cancer. Your Cancer is about the same as mine but I had 0 node involvement. I did Taxitore and Cytoxin every 3 weeks for 4 sessions then 33 Rediations. I am scared to get my first Mammogram in April. I live in Alaska but am heading South for 5 weeks to South Carolina. I hate the cold this year and my Breast hurts when I get cold.Soooo a week in Hawaii and 5 weeks down south should help. By the way your Grandbaby is sooo CUTE!

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  • Snappygoddess
    Snappygoddess Member Posts: 91
    edited February 2009

    Sticker~~You have a wonderfully compassionate heart and that's why you reacted to the lady going through chemo the way you did. You KNOW what it's like and you don't like to see anyone hurting like you did. Part of it is a compassionate heart and partly Survivors guilt. Sometimes I feel bad because I do not have it 'as bad' as others I know going through cancer....and then I realize "bad" is different to everyone.

    Bless your tender heart~~ Hugs 

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  • yellowrose
    yellowrose Member Posts: 886
    edited April 2009

    I have struggled with survivor's guilt also.  My dear sister of the heart was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer 7 months before my BC diagnosis.  She walked with me physically and spiritually all through diagnosis, treatment, and post treatment fears.  As I was getting better, she was struggling with the beast and losing the war.  She lost the battle on Feb 9th. 

    For months prior to her death, I held all my feelings about this struggle from her.  Out of her presence, my DH would just hold me as I railed against the unfairness of the monster.  I didn't, and don't want to die from cancer but I didn't want her to either. 

    I pray every day for the sisters on this board because I don't want anyone else the lose the war.

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited February 2009

    Sticker - we can all relate. 

     I feel so sad when I go by the room of chemo patients at my onco's.  Guilty, I guess, a little, but sad for them.  And, maybe, a little scared for me, because I don't know when it will be me.  That's why we all have our arms around each other, supporting and comforting the best we know how.

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