Starting Chemo May 2008

Noelle, I will be there (on your couch) in a little while, but first I need to head over to Seattle to find Eddie and give her a huge hug.

Thank you, Eddie, for saying just the right things at just the right time--and, on your birthday, no less!  That's a day when you're supposed to sit there and let others shower you with love and kisses and gifts and hot chocolate ... but, instead, you came here and helped us back on our feet and reminded us what life is all about.

So, Eddie, here's a hug for you:  ((((((((Eddie))))))))

And on the way east I'm going to stop off in Wisconsin to say hi to Roxi and give her a hug.  Roxi, that biopsy is going to be nothing.  They're just doing it to be safe, 'cause we all now have this danged "history" of cancer.  Don't y'all hate it when you have to fill out a medical form and you get to that question about "cancer" ... and you have to mark "yes"?  I HATE IT.

But, like Eddie is just about to tell us:  it is what it is, and we do whatever we need to do.  And Kerry is thinking, "Okay, gals, it's fecking cancer.  So deal with it, and move on.  Get living."  (Wouldn't you, Kerry?)

By now I must be getting close to Ontario, and I'm hoping Noelle still has room on her couch.  I'll have to look and see where Dundas is.  Oh-oh.  I forgot to bring warm clothes!

Hugs, everybody ...

otter 

Adrienne, you snuck that post in there as I was editing mine.  We both were thinking the same thing.

otter 

Feeling for you folks and the anxiety. It's odd how as much as we can tell ourselves, "It's probably nothing. It's probably okay" the mind has, well, a mind of its own. It's only when I hear "Everything's okay" that I fully appreciate how wigged out I was.  Mary:  That stinks. Not knowing yet stinks. And trying not to think about it is da*ned near impossible. (Like having a grizzly bear growling at your shoulder and being told, 'Don't mind the bear...')  Noelle: I think your heart is so big that the tests and the drugs can't handle it, that's what I think.

For the record, folks, I really do NOT care if I live to 80 or even 70. (I'm not 100% sure how I feel about 60.) At the same time, I am definitely grieving Deb's death, and Heather's. (A Fulbright in Africa, eh.) Lives snuffed out too soon, as far as I'm concerned. 

It doesn't mean I'll never be happy again, or even that I"m not happy at this very moment. It just means that I'm sad because people I care about have died. Trying to live fully and happily is kind of the way I try to ... I don't know... pay tribute. But I'm sorry if I've dragged folks down.

Waiting for my three aunts' BRCA results.  Should be any day.  My friend is still waiting on biopsy results. On the upside, the weather is gorgeous here. Blooming gorgeous.  Not a bad setting in which to read 500+ affidavits from battered women...

AMEN, Otter. AMEN. I have had my hair cut 3 times already because it gets to the curly stage and I just think "a-hell no." I would rather be mistaken for a man than look like this.  This is the longest I've let it get and I'm basically shellacking it into place with hair wax, then going into the African sun which melts the wax into a hard shell.  Sure, I attract gnats and have a head like a Ken doll, but it beats matron-head any day.

(P.S. I confess, I love looking back.  I often find the past more reassuring and inspiring than the present or the future....it's what grounds me and allows me to take risks.  But to each her own, to each her own!)

Oh my gosh, my hair is the "matronly gray" and I'm only 46.  I'm glad to have the hair, but keep thinking of all of the other mature women who go get theirs done that way at my hair place.  At least it isn't that blue shade.  I'm afraid to get it cut.  The curls are all that I have going for me right now.  If I cut them off, I will probably just have bad hair like I did before.  Just wavy enough not be able to do anything straight and not wavy enough to do curly stuff.

But I shouldn't complain about my hair.

I'm with Otter on cutting out Eddie's email.  It's amazing that we all feel the same way.  I want to get back to normal and not come here, but am almost addicted.  Like waiting for something bad to happen which my husband said I cannot do.  I had my annual exam on Friday and everything is fine.  My breast exam was still painful on the radiated side and she said it does feel different because of the radiation.  She did blood work to check my hormones and Vitamin D levels.  I should know something this week.

Rock - I'm so glad you have nice weather - too bad about the shellacked (sp) hair.  Did you see where our governor - Blagojevich (another one with shellacked hair) was impeached last week?  I know, kind of off the subject.  We had a little more snow over night and it got cold again.  But we saw a rainbow on the way to school today.  My 10-yr old asked if it is a "snowbow" since it didn't rain.  That's my happy thing for the day.  I like to look back at the posts to see how much we have overcome in a year and things aren't really that bad relatively speaking.

Roxi and Noelle - thinking about you and sending happy, "snowbow" thoughts today.

Julie

Where to begin???  Eddie said it all and I know that it helped me.

Mary-Hoping that all turns out well.  I told my husband this morning that I needed him to do a "Handogram" on my 'good' breast, since he found the lump in the 'bad' breast and knew what it felt like.  It is probably just my imagination, but I felt "something" a couple of days ago.  

Started the "boosts" today--just 9 more to go, then on to Tamoxifen.  They are boosting 2 areas. 

Have to get off my butt and do some housework-got the results of DH's sleep test and he has to have a CPAP machine--he stops breathing an average of 20 times per hour and only 17% of his "sleep" is the good sleep.   I'm tired all the time and he tells me that I need to get more exercise since I have to go back to work in a few weeks--told me today that I got more done when I was "really sick" than I do now--can I borrow a shovel????  I promise I won't hit him too hard.

Just caught up from yesterday afternoon - been home today with possible bronchitis, saw the PCP (for the second time in 5 days) and started a Z-pak.  I didn't know Annie/Heather very well, saw some of her posts early on, but I still caught my breath when I read that.  Damn. 

Mary - I will be thinking about you and willing them to make time in the schedule for you this week.  Not know is hard enough and waiting just makes it worse.  Let us know when you know.  We are here.

Gracie - If I remember, the boosts were easier on the skin.  I hope it is that way for you, too.

Eddie - Your nickname should be "Cheerleader"!  You always step in and ground us just at the right time.  I'm going to piggy-back off of you, if you don't mind...I think one thing that has happened is we are all "hyper-aware" of our own physical/bodily reactions and of cancer in general.  I don't ever remember being so surrounded by issues of cancer (some bc, some not) prior to my own diagnosis.  I probably was, but tuned it out - it didn't affect me, so much.  Kind of like being pregnant (for those that have been) - you suddenly notice all these pregnant women, small babies, strollers, crying babies, etc. because you are attuned to them.  I'm not saying we should ignore our bodies or our emotions, but I think we are a little (!) more sensitive than we were, say, a year ago.  Personally, I also want to protect myself and hide away (at least in part).  But that won't change anything, either. 

At this point, one of the things I'm struggling with is how not to live 3 or 4 months at a time, or from appointment to appointment, or scan to scan, etc.  My friend told me her mother-in-law chose not to have any follow-ups after colon cancer because "she did not want to live her life one appointment at a time".  (BTW, she had it twice, 10 years apart, and is still kicking).  I'm too much of a worrier to do that, but I get the sentiment.  I think I'm starting to ramble, but it's about stuff I have been thinking about for awhile.  Or, it could be the drugs...sorry for the long post. 

ranD hasn't logged in since the 31st.  I believe she was scheduled for a lung tap yesterday.  I thought she said she had two scheduled for this week, then starts chemo on Thursday. 

Thinking of you ranD.

2 days away and I missed you all like crazy! 

First, happy birthday Eddie!!  Your pep talk could not have arrived at a better time, there has been a bunch going on here lately. 

Roxi - Sorry to hear the news on the mammo and that you are having to undergo another biopsy.  You are in my prayers!   

Noelle - It took 5 months post chemicals for my heart to return back to normal - ejection fraction back to normal and pericardial effusion now gone.  Just proof on how toxic the drugs really are.  I hoping that you will see positive signs soon!

Rock - So sorry to hear of the diagnosis of your friend. 

RanD - Thinking of you, praying for you, hugging you (((((((RanD))))))))). 

Love to all!

Jean

xxooN night night y'all!

I;m BAAACCCCCCCCCCCCK

Okay, turns out that I barely made it til yesterday.  Got in at 830 am and home at 830 pm....CRAPPOLA.  I was at 88%, but once they put the little O2 onme I was up to 97%.  So I was very contentto wait all day if had to until they tapped me.  Downside, they wouldn't let me eat or drink....chewed gum and ice chips til my jaw hurt.

Anyway, the er doc was great, turns out he was a prostae cancer survivor and really gave me all the time I needed on the O2.  They ended up getting 1.25 out of the left adn wanted to emove more, but there was a membrane that blocked the catheter, so he had to stop, he tied, but no luck.  Anyway, I stayed on at the hospital until they served me dinner (lol, it was good) and then er doc notced that I hurt and ordered vicodin and so I stayed until the vic kicked in who hooo.'

Today was awful, I could not stop coughing, I went for 3 hours without more then a 5 minut break between fits.  But, every time I got up, I had a searing pain across my lung...so I tok a vicodin.  Turns out  stopped coughing for 3 hours!! So, I am nowtakingone evry 3 1/2 hours and for the last 8 hours  have been able to really breathe...Thank you Lord....and thank you for all those prayers...I really felt them today.

Okay, so my port won;t be put in until 2/13, so I have 2 weeks that they will hav to jab me...booo hooo. otherwise  am feeling good enough to go and watch Scary Movie3 with my son...

Noelle got the box...awesome awesome awesome....used the butter on my breasts (sounds dirty...hehehehehehehe) and can not believe the quality of your work...dh very impressed wanted to immediatley write to you and thank you...so now I can show you of to friends and family and drum up some business......

Love you all and am praying for all of you as well.  Cancer sucks, but having friends like y'all make it less sucky....Here's to all the rest of you having clear MRIs, scans, mammos and blood work...

cheers! ran 

Yah! ranD's back

New list:

Just a quick note to say the list will be showing up in the email you gave. I have just a few to add yet. Will try to do it later on today. Thanks to the email addresses I only have to send once, unlike our gal Jen who had a sore finger from having to do each one individually here, LOL

I think you all have big hearts, and that's why those MUGA results come out weird.

YAY, ranD, for making it through yet another hospital adventure.  Twelve hours in the ER is not fun, but at least it sounds like they were helping make you more comfortable.  If a little O2 helps, can't they get you one of those portable O2 bottles/systems you can take home?  I've known people with emphysema or other lung problems who used them intermittently when things got rough.  And, let's hear it for the anti-tussive (anti-cough) effect of narcotics, like vicodin!  That's why codeine was traditionally so popular as a cough medication.

Roxi, now that you've done your taxes, will you please do mine? We still don't have all the 1099 forms yet; plus, we think we're going to owe a bunch.  My mom gave me some U.S. savings bonds eons ago, and they reached maturity in 2008 so I cashed them in.  Unfortunately, there is no tax withheld on that sort of income, so it's all due now ... and the amount due will probably mean we will have to pay a penalty for under-payment of taxes during the year.

[Caution:  Political rant ahead!]:  Okay, so let me get this straight.  Several recent (and not-so-recent) political appointees at the federal level 1) did not pay the federal taxes they owed; 2) waited several years until their "oversight" was uncovered by people vetting them for their political appointments; 3) claimed the under-payment was due to "an honest mistake"; 4) agreed (or in one case, refused) to pay the back-taxes, even though the statute of limitations had been reached and the IRS couldn't come after them for the money; and 5) will not owe the IRS any penalties on the back-taxes (because of #4, the statute of limitations).

Yet, my mom bought me 4 U.S. Savings Bonds decades ago (unbeknownst to me), which she recently gave me; and I cashed them in and will report them as income in the year they reached maturity; and we will have to pay a penalty to the IRS because of that little bit of unanticipated, extra income this past year???  Where's the justice in a system that works like that? 

Okay.  Rant is over.  Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

otter 

oh the vicodin is lovely for coughs and lungs! A few years ago I had a horrible coughing virus thing and had to drive 11 hours to Chicago with a car full of scented product to do a show for 2 days. I coughed and had a migraine the whole way there. I was staying with a friend whose Dad was a Dr who was suffering through multiple myeloma ( and has since died). He looked at me and said, "you are driving back to Canada with that cough? You need a good nights sleep. Here, take a vicodin" I figured since he was a Dr he would know LOL! I slept like a baby and made it back home in one piece. 

 My parents use to give me an OTC cough med with codiene in it... and I remember being too sleepy to stay awake in school.

 I am trying desperately to get some work done. The store is quiet and hot and I want a nap!

I worked out 3 times in 3 days and feel drained and floppy.

 Love to all!  

ranD - As for someone giving you a car and a driver did you know the American Cancer Society will provide that for you for Dr. and treatments (all for free)?