Anxiety and Depression At the End of Treatment
Some of us are trying to start a new forum on post-treatment anxiety and depression, including that loveliest of anxiety disorders, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
After chemo or rads are complete, our doctors say Congratulations!, hand us a prescription for a hormonal if we are ER+, tell us to come back in 3 or 4 months, and to go back to our normal lives.
It seems that a considerable number of us then fall apart.
Please post information about support, treatment, and possible medications.
Hope this proves to be useful.
Comments
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I think your idea is GREAT. I still have radiation and herceptin to go through, but I have anxiety and depression that I've been treated for. I'm sure I'll need to have some understanding listeners when this is over. A lot of times the anxiety and depression comes after the fact. Best of luck and you'll be hearing from me later. Hugs, Dee
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This is a great idea. I'd like to see this new forum. For many of us, the post treatment period was the hardest of all. I sure wish I had known what to expect and had a place to go to share my experiences, and for ideas for coping with feelings and health issues. I have received help all over the boards, but I had to look long and hard for it. A forum like this would help many.
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I just finished chemo and still have radiation to go (am doing a hyst/ooph next week while I am waiting). I found I was very scared and depressed even in the week leading up to my last treatment!
What has helped me the past few weeks is exercise and lots of it. I am attempting an hour a day and trying to make sure I break a sweat doing it. Last night was a yoga class, on Sunday I did a 30 min fast walk on the track (indoor) and then 30 mins on the bike. Last Thurs (a week after my last chemo) I ran in a 5k. I keep telling myself that exercise reduces recurrence by 25-50% so it is like a chemo treatment (with much better side effects) every time I do it!
This is not to say that I am not scared s.....less but it is helping the helpless feeling.
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Falling apart -- yes that's exactly where I am right now. I had such a positive attitude and outlook during chemo and radiation. Now I feel like everything will fall apart at any minute. I'm scared of everything -- scared I'm going to lose my job, scared that bc will come back. I don't expect life to ever get back to way it was before BC but I'm desperately seeking a new "normal". I am also interested in how others have coped with these feelings. Hugs, Rose
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Rose, you are so totally normal. That was the most important thing for me to know - I thought everybody else did this right and I was the only one who felt like a disaster.
There are several things you can do - many people recommend asking your doctor for something to take the edge off - usually Atavin (thanks for the correction - you can tell I don't know much about these meds) or Effexor. I'm not very into medicating feelings, but certainly if there is an occasion to not feel, it would be now.
The other first step would be to contact the social work office at your hospital or associated with your onc's office. They counsel cancer patients on a regular basis, so they understand what you are talking about.
If things don't get better, maybe the social worker can help you find a therapist for longer-term help. Most people don't need this, but if you do, this is a good resource.
For the month or so after treatment ended, I could be found in my cubicle weeping on a regular basis. I had no interest in doing my job, and could concentrate only in bursts of up to 5 minutes. I'm trying to give you a baseline here. Now, I am back to being me at work. I set deadlines and meet them. I actually think it's fun. Has anyone spoken to you about your work, or is this your perception of how things are going? You likely just need some time.
Hope this helps.
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Avastin is a chemo-type drug - I think you mean Ativan :-)
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You are all so right. The fear of the unknown. When we are taking treatments we know we are actively doing something. When they stop.... it's wonderment and fear. I remember going through it 5 years ago. Now that mine has metastisized to my liver and bone I really have wonderment when treatments end. Hopefully in 2 more treatments. Effexor has helped me alot. Has taken the edge off. Let's keep supporting each other. It helps!
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Great thread. I just finished my rads last week and no more appts until first week of January. Still trying to decide about the hormone therapy. I'm just feeling so weird. Like now that I'm done with tx, I can move from cancer "victim" to cancer "survivor" all at once. Ugh. Just don't know yet what I'm feeling I guess. I'm still having a real hard time concentrating and sleeping, feeling at loose ends. I should be celebrating right ?
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On another thread someone recommended this book. It has helped me in many ways.
Picking Up the Pieces, Moving Forward After Surviving Cancer by Sherri Magee and Kathy Scalzo.
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Thank you for starting this thread. I finished chemo 2 weeks ago and yesterday I had my port removed. I will start taking tamoxifen and won't see my onc until Jan.
Even so, it hasn't really sunk in yet that I'm "done." My frriends and family are so excited for me but I feel in shock. I am starting to have a little hope that things will be "normal" again but part of me wonders when the other shoe will drop. I suppose it will sink in over time. Bobbytrapped, you summed it up for me, "I should be celebrating, right?"
I will take a look at the book Gitane mentioned, Picking up the Pieces...
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I also am going to buy the book. I am on an anti-depressant for permanent nerve damage as a result of my lymph node removal. Helps about 50% with the nerve pain and not sure how much it helps with the depression. I'm afraid to ask my PCP about increasing my dosage as I want to avoid the drugged-out effects. Can exercise to the extent my ankles let me - they feel totally broken after finishing Arimidex. Able to quit Arimidex 9 months early as onc said I now have osteopenia. SO....treatment is "finished" but I feel I will have side effects for the rest of my life! Just like Roseanne Roseannadanna said, "It's Always Something!" How can you 'MOVE ON" when you have something new reminding you all the time!
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Another thing we can do is broaden our 'research' beyond BC. I've gone to some PTSD information sites and found useful information. (Although I still wish they wouldn't just link, or assume, military service with PTSD.) One thing I read was that loud/sharp/unexpected noises can set off an immediate anxiety flood. I find this really hits home for me. So do you think I could get my family to stop slamming doors and such? They've seen me twist up like a wrung dishrag when this happens, and when I ask them to PLEASE try and avoid startling, loud noises, they tell me that it's my problem because I am overly sensitive. OK. I'll accept that, but for God's sake, don't you have enough compassion for your wife/mother that you might want to TRY to help her with "her" problem? Family support -- they can talk the talk, but when it comes to walking the walk, they have second thoughts.
I have seriously considered moving out, and would have months ago if the economy hadn't disintegrated. I have no use anymore for my husband or daughters; they do not help me or make me feel better. I feel like I should be struck dead for saying it, but I don't care for them anymore.
I can't live in the delusional world that "everything's going to be OK" which is what they want. I don't care what they want anymore. I used to consider my "commitments" to them unwavering and could not bring myself to even think about life without hubby & girls. Now, I find myself "taking a nap" on the weekend, not because I'm tired, but because it's the only way to escape. I fall asleep to a fantasy life in which I am emotionally 'divorced' from all of them and living in a foreign country.
And this is what I worked so hard for? I've been suckered.
Beth
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I'm sorry to hear that some of you are struggling like me. I really appreciate everyones suggestions. I read portions of the book "Picking up the pieces..." online and it sounds like it might really help me get life back in to perspective. It should arrive next week -- can't wait to get started on it.
I met with the onc today for my 2 month follow up. I told her that I have had dizziness since starting Tamox a month ago. She let me know that diizziness isn't a side-effect of Tamox so she wants me to have a brain scan -SIGH- I really sorry I mentioned it! The good news is I got a prescription for Xanax. I'm hoping that it takes the edge off when I'm overstressing about things.
Y-me has a support group which meets once a month -- I will try to make time to attend next week.
The truth is that the next 5 years (or so) will be full of doctor visits and tests. I'm just going to have to find a way to cope with it. Hugs to everyone that needs one right now - Rose
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I'm bumping this for Kaloni....
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Anybody else like me - this year I feel like the whole Christmas thing is just one more chore to complete - I'm looking for my Christmas Spirit - listening to carols and making cookies, etc. - but still feel a little Bah Humbug...
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Hi Burns. Yes I'm not feeling my usually jolly self. I will make the effort though, for the sake of my kids. The truth is that we've been through an awful lot this year so it's understandable that we don't have our usual Christmas spirit. For me, I'm kind of in mourning right now. In a real sense, I've lost the person I used to be and I'm struggling to find out who I am now after cancer. I'll get there eventually. I think that over time, things will get better.
Hugs,
Rose
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Just checking in with everyone. Like Rose and Laura, I'm having trouble getting in to the xmas spirit this year. I'm having xmas dinner and exchange with my family this next Sunday and I have barely started shopping, my house is a mess, don't have my tree decorated, haven't bought the groceries, etc etc etc. Ugh...why did I plan this anyway. Oh well, I expect I'll like it in the end.
I'm just over 2 weeks out from finishing my rads and I'm having these breathing problems. Can't decide if its really my lungs or its just anxiety attacks. I try to take a deep breath then it feels tight and then I start to panic which just makes it worse. I see my rad onc tomorrow and I'll see what he says. I've been feeling so sad lately I'm really thinking about asking for an anti-depressant too. Sigh....it just goes on and on and on and on
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Rose I couldn't have said it any better. I have no idea who the hell I am now because I certainly am not the person I was a year ago.
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I still have two treatments left.....and have found myself NOT wanting to finish them. I will....only because I have to. But I sure don't wanna.
Just got our tree decorated today.....I know I'll never be the same person. This is almost like PTSD. Pretty sure things will never be like they once were......and that saddens me. Even now....every twinge or pain has me scared silly that the cancer has gone there too! So I'm pretty sure....it will always be in the back of my mind.
I went to the Dr. yesterday.....and just broke down in his office and cried. I told them I was just soooo tired of feeling sick and scared all at the same time.
Genia
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I know that some of you also have PTSD, and I've been thinking that I've been doing pretty well. I am a week from my first annual mammo, and I haven't been doing badly. Talked to my therapist about being prepared, DH is going with me. A few anxious dreams, but really, not that far from normal for any woman less than a year past diagnosis.
Now, I live in Michigan and it's snowing tonight. This was not a surprise. I even like snow. So I'm leaving the office, and walking very carefully, because it was slippery. And I fell. Hard. Swore. Picked myself up, walked the rest of the way to the car. Drove to the library. Realized when I went to check out that my cards were all messed up, apologized to the lady behind the desk, she offered to replace the card, and suddenly, I just could not deal! I said, I'm so sorry, I'll put them back. Hands started shaking. She said no, that's fine, I'll do it.
Went out to truck, and I was instantly back at tumor board, trying to talk to a doctor who wasn't listening to me, who just wanted me to shut up and agree with what she was saying. So I decided to go work out, since I was right by my gym, and physical activity is calming. Oh, wrong, I was in my head, and my heart was racing before I even got a good sweat worked up, and I kept saying to myself, you don't want to be here, and trying to change the subject, when finally, I said to myself, what is going on. And I said - you lost control. Scary, isn't it?
Wow. Took one slip on ice. I have always been a strong woman, could do anything, heck, did do anything. Suddenly I am vulnerable and fragile, and I don't like it.
Being able to post about this is why I wanted us to have this board - I want to recover from this part of my illness as well.
Thank you all for being here and "listening" to me. I'll be back.
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ICan --Boy, I was right there with you! I've had similar reactions and was really puzzled by my immediate implosions.
It seems like as long as I have a plan, steps to complete, marching along like a good soldier, I'm good to go. The minute anything goes very wrong really quickly, I'm an absolute mess. PTSD really is what it feels like.
Many hugs to you all.
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Hi Ladies, I have 1 tx left and for now I can't wait. I hate the way chemo made me feel. Tired, I got an infection, my bones ached. I take Neulasta shots so my WBC doesn't drop, and still I am paranoid all the time about getting another infection. Chemo has totally interupted my life. I know it is important so we can kick this cancers butt. Maybe after my last tx I will be feeling different, but for now I can't wait to be done.
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ICan: I totally understand and am there as well. I was dx 12/31/03 and had most of my big surgeries in 2004; however having an MRI this year with a tech who couldn't get the contrast agent iv in my arm/hand/anywhere after 6 tries put me into a tailspin for almost a week. I was OK that day when they cancelled my MRI, but when they called the next day to re-schedule, I totally lost it and cried helplessly and had to tell the scheduler I had to call her back. WOW! It totally took me by surprise.
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I like the word "implosion"!
Well, I had my appointment with my therapist, and discussed what happened.
She told me that I handled it very well - that I took all the right steps. But that it really won't get that much easier - I'll always have this tendency to transport myself back to hell. I need to be more pro-active, and rehearse situations that may come up. Good theory - I suspect, Laura, that you just never expected some idiot to maim your veins while trying to have what should be a very simple test.
I guess I need to tell my Primary Care Physician and Onc, and just do the best I can. The pre-mammo dreams are getting really interesting. What an imagination I have!
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ICan --
I just got back from my oncologist. I'm starting to realize that talking to him is not really very helpful. He's a nice guy, but I think his head is really with his patients that really need his help, and right now, thankfully, that doesn't include me.
Discussing things with you all is far more beneficial for me. We understand where we're all coming from, and have cut all the B.S. out of our vocabularies here. (For maybe 97% of the time, which is amazing.)
My breast surgeon has never had breast cancer, neither has by plastic surgeon, oncologist, or family doctor. So you guys will continue to be my main source of QOL tips, listening, support, acknowledgement and strength. Hugs all around!
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great idea for a thread! Many of your stories could be mine! Everyone looks at me like I am fine, and I try to act like I am fine, but I know that I am not fine. My hair is back, I am back at work, I have a new normal. Who knew that it would be so easy to fool everyone into thinking that it was really all behind me. I find that exercising and hobbies (scrapbooking, making cards) do help to keep my mind busy and away from the bad thoughts.
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Well, I made it through my first post-treatment mammo without melting down. I was anxious, and ticked off that they were running over an hour behind and didn't say anything - like would you like to go get a cup of tea? - because I chose this center because when I went for an ultrasound, they did all those things - they moved into a new facility and got a new supervisor, and went downhill.
Birads 3 - I still have a lot of scar tissue, so I'll still be monitored closely.
I think I would have been okay if they had gotten me in on time - I did meditation and cleansing breaths all the way there. My therapist left me her cell phone #, and I had friends who were waiting for a call.
It makes me a little crazy that I have to pay this much attention to my emotions - they just aren't that interesting. But, I can do this.
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I was referred to write in here. I've completed my radiation after lumpectomy and just feel down. Not sure if it's a question of missing my "radiation buddies" - we all bonded and felt quite close to each other or just the lack of daily regimen outside of work and home activities. I take Effexor so no additional medication is needed, and I know the cause. I just hate feeling down. Oh well...
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