Anxiety and Depression At the End of Treatment

Sierra

Hi Gals:

Just wanted to post to this

I am further along then you

at near 9 years out

but... i had the blues

depression when finishing

was lucky, my nurse told me to expect it

actually took some counselling

and got on to .. Celexa for a spell

just have to take one day at a time

it is v. hard some days, I know

I send you all a big hug

and lots of bright white light

to surround

Hang Tight..

Walk and be in nature

and also I had to reset many

boundaries with different people

special thoughts to you

Sierra

runner4life

I am reading through these posts and realizing I am not alone.  I am going on 38 and just getting ready to start Tomoxefin at the same time when I had originally hoped to start having another baby (we have one now).  I don't think I go a day without crying or feeling sad.  After reading your posts I am wondering if maybe it is post traumatic stress which is something that had not occurred to me.

Like some of you, excercise helps like nothing else.  I have been running my whole life but used running/training (just getting out there and sweating!) as a way to lift me up through this whole experience. 

Very interesting thread.  Thanks for opening up my eyes and good luck to everyone.

junie

When I ws first dx, had a mega melt-down.   A PCP put me on a low dose of Paxil.   I do think it helped take the edge off things.    After surgery, chemo, rads, I was so tired of popping pills and wanted to stop it.   My Rads Onc suggested that I keep taking it for awhile.....she said almost eveyone goes through a period after treatment ends and you're not seeing doctors or having some treatment almost every day--you suddenly feel abondened, scared......she was so right!   I stayed on Paxil for another year or so, but think I did stop it too soon.   5 years of Tamoxifen was really horrid, and  maybe if I'd been willing to take one more little pill a day I would have handled Tamox much better.......

As scary as the dx of breast cancer is, the black void we hit when there aren't doctor's visits until 3 months, six months, is just as scary.

priz47

I am trying to figure out who the 'new' me is. I have finished chemo, started tamoxifen , have peach fuzz and feel  depressed. i did have a mammo on good side and i have 'cysts with debris'. Interesting terms! My tumor markers are elevated and i will get a PET scan next week. How do you move on??? I do not feel like my therapist understands. I do not want to take any more meds, but think I should ask. I am supposed to start work after my PET scan, but have no enthusiasm at all. I did go back to school, so that is an accomplishment. When will it end?? My DH told friends that i "am on the uphill swing" and this was the same day i found out my second set of tumor markers were elevated. What is he thinking?!?!??

D

ICanDoThis

D - I do wish I had all the answers. 

I do get it. The depression is real - I described working after treatment as "found in pod, weeping."  It's sort of like the entire experience was taking my life, which was busy, and productive, and made me more or less happy, threw it all up in the air, added all kinds of penalty points, then told me I got to put the jigsaw back together. My therapist is sweet, and our sessions are productive. Sometimes I feel that it's because I've been in AA for 25 years now, and I know how to manage myself. But I do need someone in my life for whom I do not need to be upbeat. Being positive when inside I'm screaming, sucks!

I did the whole thing without meds, although sometimes I envy people who can take drugs. Do what you need to do, although I can say that at least I know that I'm pulling out of the pit, because my feelings aren't buffered.

Your DH was thinking he really, really wants you to be better, and for this whole thing to be over. 

wvaldez

I know exactly how you feel I was so positive during chemo and radiation and now I have alot of side effects they didn't tell me about and I am on pins and needles because my next mammo isn't until May and I am terrified about the results.I have many sleepless nights wondering if everything I went thru worked is this going to come back it's horrible.It's wonderful to vent to others who know exactly how I am feelilng.

thanks for lettingme vent

JudeBB

I just kinda stumbled into this room but 'm so glad I did.  I have completed the treatment for my cancer (chemo/radiation/more chemo/ reconstructive surgery, etc) and I am so depressed I don't want to leave the house.  I also was upbeat during treatment but am now a "basketcase".   It literally takes me hours to pysch-up to just go to grocery store. Had a panic attack at my sisters b-day party and had to come home. 

rumoret

Well I take Ativan after my hospital stay....had a reaction to Taxotere and received hospital induced pneumonia while I was in the hospital. The hospital stay was September 2006. I was able to go through surgery and chemo without any anxiety medication.....I now require it!

I also find the moving forward difficult when I have radio and television commercial talking about Cancer. I am compelled to come to this message board....but at times......I get nervous about what I might read.

Making some changes to my bedroom helped me get away from that PATIENT FEELING......I was a patient for to long......and I needed some new things around me...so I did a little shopping......nothing to extreme.

Getting out of town and doing something NORMAL....turned off the CANCER tape that kept playing on in my head. I will admit....the ATIVAN....is my friend...it helped turn down the volume when I heard or read about CANCER.

Today......my best friend is loosing her battle with breast cancer.......and I am so depressed because I can't do anything to save her. I saw her just before Thanksgiving..........she looked weak but my friend was still fighting and was looking forward to buying some new things for her house to make life easier for her. Now I'm afraid to see her frail body....I don't want that to be the last image of her in my mind. 

Sending Hugs,

Terry 

coffeelover

I have been on antidepressants BEFORE I had the breast cancer and wonder if I could have made it through all of it without it!  BUT  I have been thru the surgery, finished radiation, chemo  and now into checkups with the doctor.  My family is SO pleased with all the results and yes I am too.  But I still  live in fear and worry and cry when I am alone.  I wonder if everybody feels like this and will it pass or will it always be this way.  My husband lost his mom to cancer only weeks before I found the lump in my breast so he worries also ---- just doesn't show it.  I don't know how to get thru this or around this.  Even with medicaion I still feel like this!  Does everybody go thru it?

Tricia99

I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago.  During my chemotherapy I lost my best friend of 40 years to leukemia.  I was not able to deal with  my feelings because I was so focussed on my treatment.  I had really bad reactions to docetaxal.  I completed my radiation in November 2007 and then had a major meltdown.  I have been seeing a counsellor but I live in a small community and she is only a Psych. Nurse.  My GP put me on Effexor for depression and Zopiclone for sleep.  I too have been having PTSD-like symptoms.  I can't handle loud noises and chaotic situations.  I have not returned to work and I am really afraid to.  Any kind of interpersonal conflict, even slight, makes me feel like crawling into bed and hiding.  On top of all that, I have severe chronic arthitic pain which has been aggravated by taking an aromatase inhibitor to prevent cancer returning.   I am worried that I might turn into a hermit, and my husband is about fed up with my sensitivity to stress.  Reading some of the other posts makes me feel like I am not in this alone.  Thanks for sharing.

bev54

I had my first bout with breast cancer in 1991 at age 36, lumpectomy and 6 weeks radiation. Cancer reappeared in 2007 have now had double masectomy, surgeries for reconstruction and 16mos chemo and herceptin as it was HER+. I have come thru surgeries and treatment quite well and worked full time thru most of it. My hair is coming backing in and I'm looking and feeling much better and everyone has made comments from the very beginning about how strong I am and how well I have handled everything. Now that the worst is behind me I feel like crying and somewhat depressed. I have always put on my smile and my "strong face" but I don't feel that way inside. It's like, now what? I don't feel like I'm fighting it, they say it is gone, but if feel my mental and emtional state is very fragile right now. Sometimes I feel like I would just like to run and away and hide? Do these thoughts all sound normal?

KCHOME

Wow! I am so glad I came to this site tonight. I am a five year survivor. Yesterday I saw my oncologist and he said I don't need to come back for a year and I don't need to take Arimidex anymore. While this is really wonderful, I am also really scared. The med was sort of my security blanket. I expressed this to him and he said the Arimidex did it's job and now we need to move on. Move on to what? I have had a positive attitude through radiation and the hormone treatment but now I am feeling anxious. This is something new for me.

Navalex

Tricia99 - It is commendable that you made it through radiation and you should be very proud of yourself. I was diagnosed before Christmas of 2006 with DCIS and am/was Stage 1, 1.8 cm, HER2Neu + 0/5 nodes, ER+/PR+.   After going through 2 breast biopsies, wire localization, sentinel lymph node mapping, a lumpectomy, a mastectomy with immediate reconstruction two months later, then 4 months of TCH (Taxol, Carboplatin, and Herceptin), losing my hair,another hospitalization due to a severe infusion reaction to Herceptin, then continuing with Hercepting for a year - it all came to and end in Sept. of 2008.  I was rather positive and pleasant through my treatments and now I am dealing with some of the same issues that you have mentioned and have a tendency to be a little crabby and have been experiencing problems at my workplace.  Taking an aromatase inhibitor does not help your moods, especially when you the pain disrupts your sleep, you wake up with stiff joints and continue to have joint pain during the day.  I'm also having issues with loud noise in the workplace and frequently have to put on headphones to block out my co-workers. I try to listen to 'soft' music, nature sounds or romantic music, to calm my anxiousness. Another problem I have is being able to concentrate and I make mistakes that I normally wouldn't make.  My supervisor is very unempathetic, despite a letter from the medical oncologist, and feels that I am using my medication as an excuse for bad moods and way to explain away mistakes. I have become very apprehensive about conversing with anyone at work due to concerns about my moodiness, which in turn may result in a reprimand. So, I have gone into a self-imposed isolation where my work situation is concerned. While this may not be the right way to react to this situation, it is the only way that I know how to cope for now. You shouldn't be afraid to return to work. It may be theraputic for you.  It took me 5 weeks, after my mastectomy, to psychologically prepare myself to go back to work.  You will just have to try a little harder to control your mood swings. You can always get a set of ear plugs if noise bother's you.  As far as the joint pain is concerned, Naprosyn seems to work well, especially with some moist heat applied to your joints - and a husband that will rub your feet and legs for you. I also drink "Sleepy Time" tea and another tea called "Tension Tamer" which are both decaffinated as they both relax me and help me fall asleep. One last word....If given the choice between constant bone ache or being dead, I'll take the bone ache, the aromatase inhibitor, the Naprosyn and all of my other maintenance medication.

I was glad to see your post. At least I now know that I am not going crazy.  By the way, my husband loses his patience with my mood swings sometimes.  So, you aren't alone in this.

Navalex

How lucky you are to be off the Arimidex!  I have been told that I will be on it for 5, maybe 10 years.  I will be scared to go off the meds when and if the time comes.  I am 2 years cancer free and grateful, but the thought of cancer possibly returning is always in a dark corner of my mind.  The anxious feeling is normal. Now that my doctor visits are becoming less frequent the question becomes "Who's minding the store (my cancer free health)?"  Through my readings and discussions with my internist, it looks as though cancer patients will have to rely more on the GP or Internist once the oncology physicians feel you don't require follow-up any longer.  Scary thought, isn't it?

ORTechie

Hi Ladies!!!!  I  am finished with the chemo.  I told my husband they should put you in a "coma" for four months and then wake you up.  I did not like it at all and am glad it is over.  I have 2 weeks left of radiation to go.  That is easier to tolerate than the chemo.  I go back to work next week.  I have to say my outlook on life has changed while I was out.  Luckily I have a very supportive husband and two wonderful sons that are married.  They have been a big help and my friends have been a big help. 

One thing I learned from all of this is that whatever treatment you have, it affects everyone differently.  If you read the "shopping list" at the beginning of this web site, do not go out and buy everything.  You may not need it.  Buy it when you need it.  Some of the things you will definitely need, but I bought most of it and did not need all of it.  Also, with the radiation treatment, I bought the Aloe Vera Gel and the Sween Cream.  It hurts to rub it on, so I ended up buying the spray Aloe Vera, much better to use.

I am looking forward to being finished with treatment in two weeks.  It has been a long road and I am glad that I am being told that I am cancer free.  I also know what that means.  It is pretty scary having treatment with ladies that had reoccurrences once or twice.  I know that is not everyone, but it is reality.  So all of you that are in treatment, hang in there, you will get done.  Jackie

sanjoy

Wow, I just read through this thread tonight after getting the BreastCancer.org update and clicking the link. My dx was in 6/07. I had chemo first, then lumpectomy, then rads which I finished in 2/08. I am a Kindergarten teacher and was on disability all last year, but started again in Aug. What a shock to my system, and in June my 1st mammogram was not definitive so was told to have another in 4 months (Oct.). With that hanging over my head (it actually came out fine), and starting teaching again I was totally stressed, besides having all those feelings about what I'd been through that I hadn't had time to think about during treatment.

I was not sleeping, only 3-4 hours a night, and broke down one Sat. in my husbands arms because I was so tired, physically, and of having to act like everything was ok because people didn't want to hear about it anymore. Fortunately I had an onc. app't soon after and we told him how I was feeling. He understood and put me on Celexa. It took about 3 weeks, but then I finally started sleeping again and feeling better. I just saw him again a couple weeks ago and he was pleased with my progress and said we'd try to take me off the celexa during the summer.

In March I start seeing all my dr's again with at least one app't. a month through June. Each time brings up a little anxiety, but I like knowing I'm being examined by professionals so often. I don't know what I'll do as the time goes by and I don't even have all those app'ts anymore.

Oh, and I'm receptor negative (actually triple neg.) so no tamoxifen for me. When I was done with rads, I was just done. 

Sandy 

kerry_lamb

Girls, I liken it the marathon runner falling over the line. The treatment biz is so demanding and relentless and broken up into small routines..no wonder we are exhausted at the end of it. Think about the marathon runner: she has put in her 110% for the whole damn race and then...nothing left. I'm 5 months out now, and JUST THIS WEEK I felt my old self. Sure, I've got the broken feet from the AI etc etc etc but I actually feel good and I really think this will continue. Give yourselves time to be empty (fallow, like the resting paddock) and to just rebuild cell by cell. I know it's hard because life is complex and busy etc etc but we really do need to make time for gentle, positive renewal and recovery. Love and strength to all of you. XXX 

SueBee66

I totally identify with Tricia99 - we are so alike, except I am fortunate not to have arthritic pain.

I can't handle conflict or noisy situations, or crowds come to that. I am four years (yes four) past treatment but am not the same person I was before BC and don't think I ever will be. I worked for a bit after treatment but stopped when they arbitrarily changed my job description. I am lucky not to have to work now as I am a kept woman! I have turned into something of a hermit, I see nobody in the day - only husband in the evening. Sometimes I meet a friend but she works. It's lonely but you get used to it. I have no confidence now for meeting other people and after hurtful remarks by my sister and a friend when I was DX I don't trust anyone not to hurt me now. I sometimes think I'm just waiting for this disease to return. Wonder if it will? It'd almost be a relief if it did. At least I could stop wondering.

charl2444

Beth,I completed my treatment last summer for Stage 3b 4cmEst+ Pog+Her-

BC so I can appreciate your feeling But,Beth,you MUST speak to someone you need help dealing with your feeling,they are not wrong,you are not wrong but TALK TO SOMEONE and tell them how anguished you are.

I really hope that you take this to heart and talk to your Doctor,Clergy,anyone who can offer assistance.  Don't stop until you have a phone number for a doctor or at least a group meeting to attend you have anger and it must be helped to be vented and if at all resolved

priz47

I think many of us feel the same-we are so afraid it will come back after all we did. I do not know how long this will last. I want to move on and an slowly adding 'normal' activities back in my life. I re-enrolled in school and that is keeping my mind busy. I went for a massage yesterday, my first one in a year. It felt SO good! And I want to get a pedicure next week. I think it would be easier if I had hair and people did not always ask me how I was. I do keep a smile on my face and also stay strong, but inside is different. i need to schedule more appointments with my therapist and also think about medication. I have been taking Ambien to sleep, otherwise I would be a mess. I know the lonliness of being by yourself all day. Good thing I have 3 dogs to talk to!

D

kimmy1

I am so glad I found this thread! I thought I was going crazy - I thought I would be feeling good or more like myself by now - I finished chemo in October and radiation in December - I am a teacher and thought Christmas break would be good for rest and it was, but now I am understanding that I am expecting too much too fast - I feel fatigued and bogged down with the everyday things - I want to be able to do what I did before - I have 2 young sons and a wonderful husband with a great church and small community supporting me and I feel guilty because I feel so drained and not myself. I am not on meds for anxiety or depression - i was on Ativan for sleep, but now I am not - my sleep is better, but I am wondering if the Ativan was helping some of these other feelings that I was having. My doctors said nothing about any of this and I do not go back until Feb. - my pastor - who used to work in the medical field mention PTSD - wow! Nice to know I am not alone, but I pray that we all start to feel more of ourselves - sometimes it is not day by day but hour by hour.

lexislove

Kkimmy1. I felts the samewas finishing the radiation part . I was freaked. I also experienced fatigue and my rad onc said that the radiation has a cumulative effect. So after 5 1/2 weeks of rads I was feeling good. Then *bam* fatigue for about a week. The best is to rest when you can. I know..easier said than done.My daughter was 2 1/2! And wanted to go to the park, swimming ect ect. My husband works 12 -14 hours day and my parents live an hour an a bit away. The energy slowly starts up again though. Everyday you'll notice more and more.

I see your ER+ and HER2+ ( like myself) so you are still going to be actively treating this.

Thants what my onc reminded me and it seemed to help with the "i'm all finished now what anxiety*

I finished my Herceptin Nov 2008, had the port out and just had my first 3 month check. I can honestly say the only real time when I think of breast cancer is when I'mon these boeards or at a check up.

kimmy1

Lexislove,

That is encouraging! I am so scared that I am going to feel this way forever! I was a very active person and highly energetic before bc and I want that me back - I am understanding now that I need to be patient and that I am trying to push myself to be my old before bc self too quickly - thank you so much for the encouragement!

lexislove

I was soooo impatient. I hated the fact that I did not have my drive like before. I aslo could not multi task like I did. I though I would never be the "same". It will be 1 year next month that I finished chemo and I can honestly say. My energy is right back..probably even more.

~cheers~

kimmy1

That is encouraging - and it is so nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings!! I thought I was going crazy - I now realize my expectations were way out of whack and that I need to be patient and rest!

sherry7

priz, when you find your new me can you ask them if they have seen mine???  I have had every single thing that brings me joy, from work to disability, from seafood lover to overdosed during a test on iodine and I am allergic now.  I was a professional massage therapist, I had my own company and then I developed lymphedema in my rignt arm and truncal.  No massage, no income, plus I really loved the work, helping others.  I have had to surrender everything that was "me" and others say, you'll find something...I am on so many meds, couldn't work cause of chronic pain from nerves cut in mastectomy and lymphedema have made me from a sparky 50 gramma into someone who continually needs help, I also use a cane because vertigo decided to join in.  When well meaning folks say things like, "but, hey your still alive!"  I wonder...am I?

How do we get past this stuff, my business partner and great friend dropped me like a rock when I got cancer, people left my life that absolutely shocked me.  Then they had the nerve to state things like I drove people away by not letting them help me.  Hello, I was in shock, just come help, don't make me make anymore decisions.  I do wonder if I do have ptsd...I am jumpy, dog or hubby walk up behind me and I come out of my skin.  I am a certifiable basket case.  Thanks for listening, but as several see, we do suffer the same way, blessings to you all to heal and be well.

Sherry7

priz47

Sherry7,

I am so sorry you can no longer work. My fear is of developing lymphadema. Did you get it right after your mastectomy? My stomache swells up every time I walk or do anything for a few hours. I have wondered if I have truncal lymphadema. I had a TRAM done in July. The most difficult has been my DH and his lack of understanding. He asks me everyday what I did all day and when I am going back to work. I do feel better that I have gone back to school. i do have cognitive problems and that scares me. I too have lost many friends. One was my best friend and that hurts so much. But I am trying to move on. They are having classes in my city about life after BC. I think I will enroll in them. Try to keep your spirits up and remember we are always here to listen!

D

bee5467

sherry & priz --

I am SO with you guys. Sherry, I gave up my company too.  I was too confused and overwhelmed. I think PTSD is absolutely what most of us get, let alone Chemobrain -- but that's steadily getting better, thank God. 

priz -- I had a little bit of that from my DH.  I just kept insisting that he really listen to me.  I made him read other posts here.  Not only did they really help me to know I wasn't crazy, they also helped understand the same thing.  (I think he really feels bad now.  He is almost 100% with the program now.  

I have kept a part time job with a BSE program especially for high school girls, grades 10-12. And I'm volunteering as a mentor to newly diagnosed women, and I'm hoping to get a volunteer gig with the Oncology center of the great hospital here.

I have days when I feel like I'm being sucked down a terrible black hole, but I've decided that I need to get out as much as possible, and do whatever I can for folks who were as terrified as I was at diagnosis.  It's helping pretty well, so far.   priz -- this is similar to your life after BC course. Do enroll!   

I love you all, and so appreciate this place. Tonight, I shared this site with 6 other survivors. They were all so excited to learn of this place. 

JudyPI52

I finished chemo 5 moths ago and now on Arimidex.  Most of reconstruction finished.  I have been back to work 2 months.  I have experienced lack of energy to keep up the pace the entire 10 hour work day.  I seemed to feel pretty good until last week and become very week by afternoon.  Sometimes I go lay on the bath room floor at work just a few mintues every so often just so I can get all my time in.  Does it take a year to get to feeling the energy I had once before I got bc.

BFidelis

Hi Charl2444,

I think the whole point of this particular thread is dealing with the psychosocial realities of the BC dx and following experience.  As I said earlier on, mine is a PTSD situation (my mom died a HORRIBLE death from bc.)  I have had flashbacks.  I can be 'fine' for weeks and something sets it off.  If you haven't walked in those shoes, you'd best not be too dismissive of what it does to you. 

I don't need someone to talk to about my feelings.  I know, understand, and most of all I ACCEPT my feelings.  I have this board.  And I have my PCP.  And I do take anti-anxiety drugs (appropriate to a PTSD dx.)  Your post comes across to me as if I need to "fix something" and that there is some "magic comfort" out there (a Balm in Gilead?) from some medical/religious guru that will make me whole.  I realize you may only be trying to be helpful, but it comes across naive.  I know my anger, and I'm OK with it.  It is REAL.  Smiley Slaphappy, on the other hand, is a huge act that must be played out at work.  That's NOT real, and that act is a whole lot more stressful and destructive than the real anger is.

As for "anguish" that is not a word I would use to describe myself.  I feel no anguish.  I am hugely disappointed in the behaviors of my family, particularly with respect to the PTSD and "getting over it."  I CANNOT handle loud, startling noises anymore.  I have a physical reaction that is nails-on-chalkboard times ten (one instance almost resulted in projectile vomitting.)  And yet when I ask them to modify their door-slamming behavior they don't feel compelled because it is MY SENSITIVITY.  Like they weren't going to do it just because it would help me.  What did they think that making my life more difficult will make me stronger?  This is not anguish; this is utter sadness.  I think they would be more considerate of a stranger.  I find they want to SAY they support me, but when I ask for something I need, I get total indifference.  A friend with kids the same ages told me that this is just part of the self-centeredness of their age.  I don't care.  And I DO get angry when I get the "get over it" attitude.  After they've been slashed, burned and poisoned; when they can't get insurance; when their boss suggests that perhaps they should take a (lower paying) position with less stress and responsibility (because moving into a different position would put me on automatic 6-month "no recourse" probation)... When they've overcome all these things, then they can tell me to "get over it."

No, there is no anguish.  And there is no hatred.  Hate and love are 2 extremes of the same emotion.  The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy (as in I DON'T CARE!)  When the love leaves a family..... there is only extreme sadness.

That's my point.  It happens.  Not every cloud has a silver lining.  Not every determined person will overcome adversity.  Not every story will have a happy ending.  I love this board because I can be real here.  I value that.  I still love my family; it is just different, because I am a different person and they are treating me differently.  Things change.  Life goes on.  Nothing was ever promised to me.  It isn't what we imagined or hoped for.  Who in their right mind would have hoped for this?

Beth