worried sick about regret

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swynot
swynot Member Posts: 3
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

i am 26 years old and about to become an orphan.  my father died of a heart attack when i was 7 leaving my mother to take care of me and my younger brother.  she was diagnosed with breast cancer when i was 11 and survived and went on to be cancer free until this past summer when she was diagnosed with stage 4 bone cancer.  it has now spread to her liver and although she won't admit that she thinks she's going to die, she has already bought her death bed and is preparing my brother's old room to die in.  my mother and i have always had a very tumultous relationship.  she was a mess for most of my childhood and we fought all the time.  she was emotionally and verbally abusive and between the loss of my father and dealing with my mother, i spent most of my childhood very very depressed or in crisis.  at age 20 she kicked me out of the house for being gay and i was homeless for awhile.  after a few years of counseling and coming to terms with my anger, we started to have a civil relationship and being able to spend time together again. things were going as well with us as i could have ever expected (which wasn't ideal but it was a start) when i found out about her cancer.  i feel so incredibly alone.  because of my life experiences i have grown so much and learned so much and survived through so much that i feel like i have surpassed all of my peers so much that i can no longer relate to any of them anymore.  i was never able to be a normal kid, wasnt' able to experience the typical college experience because instead i was trying to find a home and get back on my feet after being kicked out, and now, i am unable to find meaning or joy in the things that my friends do for fun- typical 20-something lives that i can't seem to relate to.  it is so rare to find anyone who understands me in my life at this age.  when my father died i was really left to deal with it alone- my mother was in no state to be there for her children, she was barely getting by herself.  now it is the same dealing with her own impending death- she can't even come to terms with it herself, let alone be there for her kids and make it easier on us to process/deal.  having experienced the death of a parent, i have known from such an early age how permanent death is and how many times i have longed to talk to my father just one more time, how many things i wish i'd been able to differently.  i am so terrified that i will have so many regrets after my mother has died about how how relationship has been and that i didn't do enough to fix things.  i have tried to have a relaitonship with my mother but she is still at a point where she doesn't wnat ot know me, can't handle knowing about my life because it is different from what she wanted it to be.  and i had so much hope when she was diagnosed because i thought it would be life changing and that whatever barriers were between her wanting to know her daughter would disappear because she'd realize what is important in life and that she doesn't have much time left to know me.  but now she's become more and more shut off from me and angry and i don't know how to deal with that.  i had so much hope and now it's been taken away.  i feel the pressure of time ticking and that i have to figure it all out fast because i don't want to have regrets after she's gone.  it is very hard for me to be around her now, i leave feeling very depressed and have a very hard time pulling myself out of the depression after spending time there, even if it's only for a day.  it is almost impossible for me to be around her right now without it affecting me and my ability to survive and be healthy and function in my daily life.  i am so conflicted and so overwhelmed and feel like i can't breathe sometimes because the pressure is too much to bear.  on top of it i have family members giving me "helpful" advice like "you should try to spend as much time with your mother as possible so you don't have any regrets when she dies".  which only makes me feel more anxiety over it.  i know i have to allow myself to grow at my own pace, and that growth will only come when i'm ready and normally that is ok but right now it's very hard to accept and i am filled with fear over the regrets i will have for not having been able to be around her more when she was alive. 

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  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 8,188
    edited December 2008

    Oh svynot - what a horrible situation to go through.

    I come from a very dysfunctional family, though I didn't lose a parent at age  7, let alone 26. However, they were probably essentially emotionally absent.

    You must do what you feel is right to do.  I did not visit my mother when she was ill, and I did not go to her funeral.  I knew in my heart that the moment that the preacher said 'And Mrs. X was a fine, caring mother' - I knew I would stand up and say 'No, she was not!'  I know that would be very hard on the other people at the service, so I chose not to go.

    Relatives told me I would regret not going to her funeral, but I have no regrets 10 years later.  I knew in my heart that if I visited her, it would not help her, and it certainly wouldn't help me.  I had lots of counseling about this.

    I'm several decades older than you are, but I just lost my closest friend last week from pancreatic cancer.  She was 59.  I tried to give her openings to tell me how she felt about having a terminal illness, but she just didn't want to go there.  Some people just can't deal.  I wanted to respect her wishes, and though I gave her openings, I tried to be very careful and not push her.  I learned at her memorial service that she had been very stoic, even as a young child.

    Often times when people die, they don't suddenly get a new personality.  You are facing what HAS BEEN, not what some dreamy people WISH your relationship should have been.

    If you are having a hard time, then it may be helpful to get counseling.  If you were in an abusive relationship with her, you are bound to have conflicting feelings. It is NOT YOUR FAULT that your mother abused you.

    You will  not be able to go through this process 100% perfectly.  You will make mistakes, just as any human being will make mistakes. You just have to make the best decision that you can.  No one can reasonably ask anything more.   You are the only one that knows your complex feelings.   A lot of people are not interested in searching out how they feel about a relationship, but it sounds like you are.

    I went with what was in my heart, and that served me well.  Other people were shocked when they heard rumors that Mrs. X's daughter did not go to her funeral, but that is their problem.  Some relationships are just not what they are 'supposed' to be.

    You may only be able to figure out things after she dies, but that's OK.  

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  • IBCSux
    IBCSux Member Posts: 2
    edited December 2008

    I can only partially relate to how you are feeling.  I agree though, you have to do what feels right to you at the time.  Maybe now is the time - maybe not.  I just lost my mother in law to IBC.  For many years my husband and I were disappointed with her lack of a relationship with her children and grand children.  She was essentially absent from their life and memories of her during childhood were not exactly pleasan for many reasons - most of her children were hurt very badly by things she had done.  Her battle with IBC was a short one.  When we found out we felt very much like "I WANT to want to help her...".  It was a sad feeling to have and I had much guilt about it.  For me the time must not have been right.  The good news is that the time was eventually right.  Sadly, it was just 5 days before her death but those 5 days were spent with her in a completely differently light and though I never thought it was possible when we lost her on Monday I had NO REGRETS.  Not only did I gain a new appreciation for her but the love I had for her, or did not have for her grew into a deep bond I never thought could exist.  The words we shared were simple but meaningful.  In all the years I knew her she never said a kind word to me but in her last days she told me how beautiful I was and how proud she was of my husband.  She was frail, in pain and vulnerable and we helped her.  We stopped her pain, we filled her room and I hope her heart with love and I think she is very very very much at peace right now.  I now have the opportunity to remember her from this experience or from the years that have past and I have chosen to remember her in the way I felt in the last 5 days of her life.  I wish it had come sooner but it didn't and that is okay!  Now I can say, I love her and I will miss her but her death taught me lessons I'll never forget and I am so glad that I was part of helping her in the final days to let go and be free from the pain she has suffered.

     I guess long story short you may be surprised what happens in the future.  The time may come when you are willing to let go of the hurt and you are able to see her in a different light.  If anyone had told me and my husband that a few weeks or months ago we would have bet our lives against it but it happened.

     I hope that you can find support and peace in your decisions.  You will know what is right and when it is right - just follow your heart and like the above poster said it will serve you well.  Just remember that there is not right or wrong in this process.  What you need and want to do to get through this is what matters.

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  • Jadai
    Jadai Member Posts: 182
    edited December 2008

    I am so sorry for you.  I lost my dad, with whom I had a very tumultous relationship, when I was 25 and now my mom, who is an angel, has been diagnosed with stage IV IBC.  My dad was an alcoholic and verbally abusive but to this day I have some regrets.  I regret not having spent more time with him when he was really sick because the last six months alcohol made him sick and he was finally someone that I liked.  It has been 8 years and after maturing and looking back I understand the things in his life that made him who he was.  It doesn't excuse his behavior but I can understand and forgive it.

    As far as my mom goes, she doesn't quite understand that she has a stage IV cancer.  The other day she said "it's not like I'm going to die".  No, not right now, maybe not 5 years from now, god willing, but eventually.    We have always had a great relationship but I feel myself pulling away in a sense.  So, it doesn't matter what your relationship, it is normal to withdraw and feel the guilt. 

    I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you that you are not alone with your mixed bag of feelings and that no matter what, you will be ok!

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited December 2008

    I have not experienced the death of a parent or the impending death of another.  A couple suggestions to help you.  One you need to take care of yourself.  Let your mother know that you are there for her if she needs/wants you - yes that must be very painful is she says NO.  Another idea if it helps you make peace with your decisions - write you mother a letter - if it is positive and you feel good about sending it do so.  If it is a way to vent and to express much of what you wrote above do it and then rip it up so that no one else can read it - it could be therapeutic for you.  If you have a therapist that you are comfortable with, this may be a time to connect and have a couple sessions to help you through this.  You can't change your mother - do what you can do so that in your heart your feel good with your decision but it doesn't cause you pain.

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  • mrjgallo
    mrjgallo Member Posts: 1
    edited December 2008

    I just finished reading your post, and I can tell you I get it.

    Both of my parents died when I was 16, about 3 weeks apart. My dad had lung cancer and my mom had heart disease. While we were " waiting" for my dad to pass, my mother died, and 3 weeks later my dad died. I spent alot of time thinking about what I should've or could've done, and it made me very depressed. My wife was diagnosed 3 months ago. 2 months ago she had surgery. I go through periods of being scared, guilty, worried about woulda/coulda/shoulda's... it can be really tiring and depressing.

    The fact is there really are no cut and dry answers on how to deal with this. Alot of time family members- although they mean well- give us answers to their own issues... and here we are to feel nothing less than confused and perhaps guilty... and we don't know what to do.

    I don't know what to do. I just try to talk to people.

    I hope you're doing ok.

    Jeff 

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  • checkum
    checkum Member Posts: 1,211
    edited December 2008

    hi swynot,

    I can relate completely as I too came from a vey dysfunctional family.  I was raised by my grandparents, who were both alcoholic.  My grandfather died before my grandmother who went completely out of control with here disease/addiction after his death.  After she almost burnt down the house with herself in it, she came to live with us for 6 (long) years.  During that time she was dx with ovarian cancer.  That diagnosis plunged her into fear and heightend her anxiety and addiction with prescription narcotics.  I finally made the choice to have her moved into hospice as I had my family to think about and the affects on them, as well.

    When she died I struggled as to how to handle it.  We had a brief talk in her last days - but the cancer had moved into her brain - so I am not sure how with it she was.  After her death at the funeral I was numb.  I didn't cry at the funeral, it wasn't until about a year later that the grief finally hit me.  I agree with those who suggest letters.  Writing things down definitely help to get in touch with all that we are processing emotionally (at least that was true for me).

    All I can say is go easy on yourself and do what is right for YOU!

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