OT Co-worker loses child -- help

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carolsd
carolsd Member Posts: 358
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer

Hi all,

I'm sitting here feeling so helpless. My co-worker (office is next door to mine) is grieving the loss of her 20 year old son. He's still technically alive; he's on complete life support after OD'ing yesterday. There's no evidence of brain activity and he's suffered a heart attack, based on blood tests. He's in the ICU. I went to see her today and she's a complete wreck. Her last conversation with him on Tuesday or Wednesday ended in an argument. I tried to reassure her that he knows she loves her but she is just on a bad path to guilt and remorse. She seems to have had no idea that he used any kind of drugs or alcohol. She's always said "he doesn't use drugs or alcohol." But the toxicology results show overdose of cold meds and pain meds.

It's just so surreal. Yesterday morning we were having the usual day at work, just chatting and going about business as usual. I can't imagine it will ever be the same now. How do you support someone who's lost a child?

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2008

    Well, sometimes its the combo of the pills.  A nurse can explain it to you better but some medications have a longer half life ... meaning they stay in your system for a lot longer than the effects.  So, you may take a pain pill for your headache and then later in the day take some cold medications and that is too much.

    Heath Ledger probably accidently overdosed on prescription drugs .. he had Vicodin, Restoral and Diazepam ... alot of us here have those medications in our own homes.  Vicodin for pain, Restoral to sleep and Diazepam for depression   ... even if you take them hours apart, you can overdose. I made sure to get rid of mine when I read his report ... I had only used 3 sleeping pills in a year and they were expired anyway!

    So sorry about your friends son .. he really may have accidently od'd.

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  • badboob67
    badboob67 Member Posts: 2,780
    edited December 2008

    What a horrible tragedy! The best way to support your friend is to not pull away, even though the situation can feel uncomfortable for you. PUSH yourself to be with her physically, or at least in close phone contact (that is, if she is willing). We all endure grief differently, but even the smallest gestures from a friend can be so much. If you don't know what to say, tell her so. "I really want to be supportive and helpful to you, but I am not sure how. Please know that I care about you and want to make things better for you if I can." is much better to hear than, "Let me know if you need anything."

    It's very likely this was accidental, but either way it is a horribly painful situation--especially with the argument that occurred just before. 

    I'll be praying for all involved--including you! Supporting a friend through such a difficult situation will be tough for you, too.

    ((((HUGS)))
    Diane

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  • mke
    mke Member Posts: 584
    edited December 2008

    There isn't much you can do but be there and it is hard to be there but not be obtrusive. The best thing you can do is make your willingness to listen obvious and let her take the lead.



    This is every parent's nightmare. It dwarfs BC. When a child dies or is in danger a parent blames themselves, that's just the way it is. Research resources for her, but don't talk about them yet. Good for you for being a caring friend. Should I face such a horrible situation, I'd be glad to have you beside me.

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  • carolsd
    carolsd Member Posts: 358
    edited December 2008

    Thanks for all your words of wisdom. Diane, I especially appreciated your advice of what to say. And mke, it really struck me when you said "it dwarfs BC." You're so right in that I'd rather have BC a hundred times than have something happen to my children, even if it means I don't survive. And Sherri, it's true that we can't "get it" unless we've experienced it, which I haven't, thank heavens.

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  • carolsd
    carolsd Member Posts: 358
    edited December 2008

    Just a follow up -- my co-worker's son died yesterday. They discontinued life support and he passed peacefully. The funeral is on Monday.

    So surreal.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2008

    Carol, I am so sorry for your co-worker .....  I'd rather die, too, than see my daughter lose her life.

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  • NancyD
    NancyD Member Posts: 3,562
    edited December 2008

    Carol, This is one of the hardest things. Thankfully you are close by.

    This was my experience with a similar situation. My best friend lost her oldest son almost twelve years ago, and I couldn't be there physcially since she was 1000 miles away, and I was in the middle of my divorce. She had a difficult time and withdrew from her friends. I got a very disturbing email from her that estranged us for years. Basically, she faulted me for not being there for her. I did what I could from a distance...phone calls, emails, notes, but her husband somehow kept them from her because he felt they were keeping her in her grief. They ended up divorced a few years later, and my friend and I reconciled when the whole story came out.

    I guess the only suggestion then, is to be physically present for your friend. Be someone she can cry in front of and not feel embarrassed. Be someone who watches for signs of deep depression and can urge her to see a counselor. I think grief counseling is very important for anyone who has lost a child. Urge her to go to a support group especially if she has difficulty getting through everyday life.

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  • Dejaboo
    Dejaboo Member Posts: 2,916
    edited December 2008

    Carol,

      I am so sorry to hear that this happened to your friend.  I can not imagine loosing a child.   It is a big fear of mine.

    I also agree that it may have been accidental.  The Mix of drugs can be dangerous.

    Someday that may help your friend if she feels it was an accident.

    My sister died under similar circumstances.  Dec 26th of 1995 she Od on Drugs.  I was 1000 miles away & had to help make the decision to pull the plug.  It was very hard to do.

    I never got to physically say good bye.

    She died Dec 28th.

    My Moms best friend said to me  'Now I know why your Mom died 4 years ago- So she would not have to endure the loss of her daughter'

    I like what Diane suggested too.

    It is so hard to know what to say or do to help someone.

    Wishing her Love & peace,

    Pam

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  • badboob67
    badboob67 Member Posts: 2,780
    edited December 2008

    Such a sad and horrific thing to be going through. I am so sorry!

    (((HUGS)))
    Diane

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2008

    One thing I have noticed is that she feels a need to talk about him and the things they did together and she's mentioned that a lot of people seem uncomfortable with that.  So if your friend feels a need to talk about her son it will probably be helpful to her if you encourage her to do so.

    My aunt was just 19 when she died, I was 16 1/2.  She was the baby of the family.  My grandma was 14 when she started having kids, so she was only 53 when her daughter, my aunt, died.  Her pulminary artery detiorated. We knew it was detiorating, but the dr's said it was slow and that there would be a cure or a way to fix it soon ...  6 weeks after she died, the 1st heart-lung transplant happened and if it was today, there are less invasive ways to handle it ...

    My grandmother said the hardest part was that no one wanted to talk about her, for fear of upsetting her.  It was like my aunt just never existed she said. People didn't understand that my aunt was her joy, that she had so many fun memories of a girl that loved all 7 of her nieces and nephews .. a girl that laughed so loud and gave so much.  My cousin and I always talked to Mother about her because we missed her so much but it is still hard almost 30 years later.

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  • carolsd
    carolsd Member Posts: 358
    edited December 2008

    Thanks everyone for your posts...

    I feel guilty getting ready for the holidays when I know Kim is barely surviving. I took my kids to the mall today (their idea, not mine!) and it was crowded with holiday shoppers. I didn't think about death and dying the whole time. I just thought about how anxious I was to get away from those crowds!

    We came home and baked Christmas cookies. Again, I thought: how can I act normal when I know she is probably in a breakdown? It just seems so strange.

    I'm taking my two 13-year olds to the funeral on Monday. I think it will be a good life lesson for them, even though they didn't know Nick.

    *sigh*

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  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 8,188
    edited December 2008

    You can't act normal because these are NOT normal circumstances!!

    I know its not the same, but my very good friend just died last Wed before her time (she was 59)- I went to read to her Wed morning - I walked in and found her bed empty, and I just went to her memorial service yesterday.  Its surreal knowing that I won't be able to call her up anymore.

    I agree with what all the others have said. When my cousin's daughter died at age 21 (we think she just drove head-on into a truck - the only identifiable thing left was her license plate) - my cousin went nuts -  for months/years she carried her daughter's ashes with her in the supermarket when she went grocery shopping.  

    People need to express whatever they are feeling, no matter how sad or inappropriate the time.  We are all expected to be happy during the holiday season, and that just isn't going to happen.

    If you can give her an opening to talk about how she is feeling, I think that is a gift.  To listen, and reflect back to her what she is saying.  It helps 'verify' what she is feeling is OK, and you won't be judging her.  If she needs professional counseling, then encourage her to do that.

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  • auriga
    auriga Member Posts: 315
    edited December 2008

    I am so very sorry to hear about your friend's loss. I, too, lost my daughter. She was 16 and died of an accidental overdose. She was my only child. The pain I went through was tremendous.

    The worst things people did was expect me to be "over it" in a matter of months. You never "get over" your child's death. Expect your friend to be sad and quiet perhaps for many months.  The best advice I had was to take things one day at a time. And that is exactly what I did. Trying to think ahead to next week or next month, or even next year is too overwhelming. Tell your friend to focus on just one day at a time.

    Having her son die so close to the holidays is going to be expecially hard on her I would imagine. For many years to come. Today, Dec. 14th is National Childrens Remembrance Day where people all over the world light a candle for their child at 7 pm. The idea is that the light will continue and go all over the world. Maybe you can write this down and try and remember it next year and honor her child in that way.

    Also, you can encourage her to join her local Compassionate Friends support group. It is for people who have lost a child. They were a big help to me in the first years.

    Not right now, but later say after 6 months, if you have any personal memories of her son, that is the greatest gift to give your friend. Either written down or just to tell her of them. Our biggest fear is that people will forget our child, so keeping the memory alive keeps our child alive.

    Wow. I just realized how long my post is. I'm sorry. I seem to have gotten on a roll.

    She is very lucky to have a supportive friend like you.  

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  • carolsd
    carolsd Member Posts: 358
    edited December 2008

    leaf and auriga,

    Thanks for your kind words. Auriga, I appreciate you sharing your experience. Only someone who has been through this experience can truly know how it feels. I'm very sorry for your loss.

    Kim wants to return to work on Monday. We are a little surprised, but maybe it's the best thing for her right now. And if she comes back and realizes it's not, she can take some more time off.

    Thanks for all your help.

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