Has breast cancer changed the person you are?
Comments
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And thank you right back. What is it they say? Oh yes. Misery loves company! I too am on meds to sleep. Started out taking 1/2 of a 7.5 mg pill and am now taking 1/4 of a 5 mg trying to wean myself. I too find myself being a whiner and I don't like it...mind you maybe we have a little something to whine about.
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Hostanut Thank you for the advice about calling the doctor's office but I had reasons for wanting to wait. My sisters and I are hosting a big 90th birthday party for my mom this weekend and I didn't want to have to deal with the emotions of a worse diagnosis while I am there. I could have seen the doctor this week. The original biopsy diagnois was DCIS but the tumor was pretty big and the doctor did warn me there could be other forms of cancer in it. Hopefully not. I do appreciate your concern.
Sunflower
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Im glad that others are feeling this way tooo...I was begining to think that I was the only one. I hate having this dam disease, I hate having to go to the hospital for appointments and have to wait for ages because the docs running late.
I too used to be a friendly, outgoing and down to earth sort of person who would always be willing to help others, but now I stay at home as much as I can, I don't go out and Im happy well sort of.
I know if sounds stupid but I feel safer at home.....in my own little world that I can control....
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Hi Shirlann,
You are 100% right. I feel like I have gone through enough traumatic events in the past 8 mos or so, that now I DO have "knee jerk" reactions to so many things that never used to bother me-like doctors appointments. Every time I go to the doctors now I just cringe; whether its for routine check-ups like tomorrow with my rad onc, to the very next day of having my next chemo infusion.
And your also right about everything affecting all of us who have gone through BC for a very long time. I just said to my husband tonight," Honey, I am not sure if I will ever be the same person again." He then said to me, " Well, sure you will; you just have to get through treatment and you'll be back to your old self."
I know he means well, but I don't think that he nor anyone else who has never gone through a life threatening illness can truly understand. Whether your life is better or worse afterward, it WILL NOT be the same; it can't be. Breast cancer is a LIFE CHANGING EVENT. I keep stressing this to most people that I have talked to and they usually say something like, " Oh I know it is." However the truth is they really don't have a clue.
Sorry to vent!
I'm just in a frustrated mood today.
I wish everyone the best, and good luck always.
Josie : )
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HI everyone:
I am nervous about all of the radiation with follow up CT's and so forth. MRI's are often refused by the insurance company. You might want to consider a new test called a Thermogram. If you Google this you can read up on it and see if anyone in your area offers it. Also want to tell you that I have been reading many articles that breast cancer patients have low Vitamin D levels and this needs to be improved for a better prognosis. I asked my Oncologist to order it and I'm glad I did. The normal range according to his paper was 32(low) to 100. Mine was only 20. I am now going to begin working my way up to 10,000 IU's per day and going to lay in the sun unprotected for 30 - 45 minutes. Watch the Vitamin D level. Good luck.
Katie
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mollykitten- my DH has the same reaction. He wants chemo to be over so I will "be back to normal". I wonder what normal is anymore? Right now normalis not being able to work, feeling like cr*p during chemo, having no hair and thinkking it is normal?? i do not know what my life should be like, but I would like to sleep through the night. And not wonder which scarf to wear tht willmatch which outfit. Or what can I eat today since nothing sounds good at all.Ijust wonder, who am I?
D
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katie2u,
Vit. D is good, but like anything else, it can be overdone. I believe Lillie Shockney, from Johns Hopkins recommended 2000 iu/day. I also heard or read of someone having side effects, landed in the hospital, and it was due to too much Vit. D. Just be careful, as you can overdo a good thing. Nancy
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Glad I didn't see that Oprah show. It would of pissed me off as well. I'm sorry but I fail to see how any illness could be a blessing. I'm only 49 and felt young and fit before my dx. Now I feel like an old woman and a pain in the ass to my loved ones.
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I hear you mumayan. I had ovarian cancer 6 years ago and worked out all during my treatments. I was estranged from one of my sisters during my treatments and slipped into a depression so exercise became a struggle. Since being diagnosed with breast cancer I now feel like you. I feel like an old woman. I'm not working out, I have no energy and no joy. I was 49 with ovarian and am 55 now. I want this to stop!
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bumping to the top
otter (I still don't know what I want to write in response to Annie's original question.)
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hello, i feel so much for all the replies i've read and for everything all have gone through. It can just make your mind crazy and make you just want an ordinary day. So when I have friends complaining about doing the dishes, etc, I tell them just be happy for a normal day. A normal day is good.
It was kind of strange, a couple weeks before I was diagnosed, the husband of a friend of mine was going through a lot at 40 yrs old, kidney cancer, had it removed and then it spread, etc. Well I ran into them unexpectedly and I did not know what to say to him. When I thought about it, I thought, well what would I want someone to say to me.Then a couple weeks later, I learned how it really felt. When I was diagnosed, I liked the people that said, well that really sucks, you're feisty and strong and you'll beat this. I did not like it when people would just look at me all pathetic, so sorry to hear. Made me feel like hope was small.
I chose to have a bilat mast instead of a lump. I learned many things. After a life of always thinking that i needed to work out more, lose weight, etc, I learned that I actually have a good body image. That I was the same person without breasts (which had been nice). and just happy to get on with the healing. So for maybe the first true time in a long time, I learned to just accept myself, and to hold my head high.
I also learned of those who truly love me, and those who let me down. I am feeling I have another purpose in life, and I am waiting to see where it goes. It makes me upset that the whole thing about breast cancer awareness, hello, yes everyone is aware that it is there, but wow the truth about what it really involves.
The fatique and depression is rough. Don't be afraid to ask your docs for somethng to help. When I think of those months I went through, waking at night and the roller coaster, and I could have had something to help. I guess we try and deal with everything, I've learned I need to ask for and accept help.
take care, i wish everyone happiness where you can find it, brenda
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Bumping again, to bring this thread to the top of the page...
otter
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I think that I have run the gammit of emotions. Although I thought it, I never said "why me". I have become more assertive (got my own bank account). I have reached out beyond my abilities and managed to fail the final exam twice. That brought me to an all-time low. People didnt understand how hurt I was, how much of a failure I was. I have turned that into findinding things to do that I am able to do, even if I were to be bedridden for some time. I have learned to quilt and scrapbook. I had pity parties in my bed alone at night. As for Oprah, I do not think she has the time or energy to review all of our notes on the boards.
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i've watched this post for a while and waited till i was a little farther in the process to post. I had bi-lat mast w/ no recon in july. This ride has sucked eggs from day one. I remember the first weekend while i was waiting to talk to the surgeon about our options i told DH 'This is gonna be bad". I have never been a glass hlaf full person and that hasn't changed. I get angry when i read new studies about BC because i don't trust them. I feel that drug co's pay for these studies to say what they want. I am cynical, angry, pissed whatever you want to say. I get tired of people saying" but you look good". I have no energy, I have NO motivation, just want to be home in the quiet and yet i hurt that so called friends don't check in on you anymore. Once the initial wave came in from the dx in july it tapers off little by little as people forget..
the most frustrating part to me is that my mind never seems to be at rest and i am soooo much more stressed than before. I have a shorter temper, little patience for stupidity..and yet the chemo has made me lose focus and i don't function as well as i did.
BC isn't a gift. It is a hard road to toe and for those of us that didn't have good self-esteem before it just tanks worse..Losing the boobs isn't a biggie for me it's the fact that i CHOOSE not to wear prosthesis as i am glad not to be toting 8lbs on my chest anymore but jeez people you don't have to stare at my chest while you talk...I wan't to scream YES THEY"RE GONE!!!
Thanks for the post. I don't think there is a rule out there that says we have to Appreciate this friggin journey and i don't think we have to run to morre drugs because we don't like it. It's okay to be po'd and upset at this. Sure we will have downer days. I don't see how anyone can smile through this. Too many changes going on at once!!
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Bettysgirl you have explained how most of us feel. God bless.
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Agnes17-from your post about 40 back-Id like to know what kind of Cancer That Dr has/had- since he knows one appreciates life more after being DX with Cancer!
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Time to post here again...Since each month I seem to be changing again.
This Month I am Crabby & Depressed.
I hate when people tell me God does not give one more then they can handle. I do not believe it & I am sick of hearing it.
I hate when people say you are brave & Strong. No I am NOT! What am I supposed to do. You have to just take each day as it comes...Just like the person who is telling you that you are strong -they would have to do it. Then do I get to tell them- Oh you are so Strong!
I am not through with all of this...Everyone thinks Life should be back to normal. Well Its Not!
My Reconstruction that was supposed to be finished 2 months ago - Is a Discusting Mess & it cant be 'finished' More Surgery-until July or later. I live Feeling Ugly with no Self confidence anymore & in pain.
I have to have heart surgery. I still do not know if it will end up being open heart surgery. (It wasnt supposed to be open heart)
I am freaking out about it...I am depressed about it & none of my friends care. Im tired of no support from friends.
I can just imagine what will happen to my Reconstruction if I have open heart surgery. 'Lets cut that Uniboob down the center!' That may put me over the edge...Yes, the strong, brave person I am my go over the edge.
One thing I do like (not much- huh- LOL)
Is I really see Nature more now- I mean the Sunrise & Sunset. The Moon, Snow, trees, wildlife. It was always great before- but now I could just sit & watch- all by myself & enjoy it for hours.
I have nothing else to do.
My Business that was going great after years of working so hard at it. My Business Is basically gone.
Sorry- this became more of a vent- But thats what CRABBY People do- LOL
Pam
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Bettsgirl and Pam
You are both so right! I had the chemo, bilateral with expanders, then implants, rads etc. Now that I'm "done" treatment, people seem to expect me to ne "normal". Well, I'm not!!! I HATE it when people ask if I'm "cured". HELLO??? Did someone discover a cure while I was sleeping??!! Sometimes I find it hard to believe people can be so ignorant. I'm actually MORE stressed out now than I was all through treatment, and people don't seem to understand why. Ok, that was my rant for the day!
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I find I'm more thoughtful about how I spend my time. Imake sure I'm paying attention to the really important things (like my family) and deemphasize the less important stuff (like school,work). I get it that time is precious and I care how I spend it.
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Pam, I am so sorry! Vent, vent, and vent some more. Put it out there, keep writing, get it out of your head and onto paper. A heart surgery, too? I'm sorry but, now that is too much! BC and all it's crap takes away our boobs and really messes with our brains, and then to be faced with another big decision/situation must be extremely hard.
When I stumbled upon this site last June when I was at wits end, you were the one that worked me through it. I am forever grateful for that.
You will be in my heart all day today and each day until this awful mess is behind you. May you find peace today, right now. Breathe in, breathe out......peace.
Lilyj
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Awe- Thank you Lilyj-You just made my Day!
Im glad I helped you.
Pam
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Pam-
you have a way about you of making people feel better but yet you are hurting inside. You are a very giving and self less person. If I could cure you of this hurt, anxiety, and depression I would. But all I have to offer is words and alot of prayers. Hand in there and vent and vent as often as you need to.
Liz
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I replied to this post earlier in my treatment and thought I would never be the same again. I was still reeling from the diagnosis and chemo treatments. I still feel like there is a cancer cloud hanging over me and I worry that it will come back one day, but I have finished chemo and am getting radiation. My hair is growing back. I am beginning to physically feel like my old self and am mentally being distracted by other thing in life. My body has healed from surgery and my emotions are not jumping around as much or as often. I can actually see myself moving on and maybe even forgetting some of this nightmare after more time and few more good tests. I do worry about what to do with myself after they cut me loose and I have lost my doctor/treatment lifeline. I may be delusional but I like to think that the treatments have worked and I may not get cancer again. I have met many people who have been cancer free for years and feel that I could be one of them. And then again....I felt good when I found out I had breast cancer in the first place so maybe I am delusional. Sometimes I feel like I'm living on borrowed time and should be prepared to go to my maker at any moment. I think that has been the biggest change....I have taken a good look at my own mortality and that is hard to take back once it is sitting right in front of you.
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I have read through some of these posts...and there are parts of me that agree with a little bit of each. I would never look at BC as a gift...maybe the gift that keeps on giving, like more tests..personally..a hysterectomy..more drugs....so in that way it is a "gift"..not one I like getting.
On the other hand, I would have to say it has changed me for the better. After my reconstruction in Feb.08, I was feeling very depressed. I went on effexor HR, and I have to admit...it has helped me so much! This is something I should have taken a long time ago. In the sense that I am much calmer, things do not GET to me, and I have a better attitude, the effexor has to take most of that credit. I do consider myself a more appreciative person, and more empathetic. BC did help me to see all of the blessings that I already had in my life and had taken for granted. So in a nutshell...I guess I would have to say...it opened my eyes...and I think I am a better and stronger women than I was 2 yrs ago.
For those of you that are having a hard time, and feel the negative thoughts too often, think about an antidepressant. If that is not for you, prayer? That has helped me allot too. I know it sounds very cliche...but it has. I try every morning, to think about how greatful I am to be here and have experiences, whether they be good or bad. The only way I can continue is to try and think as positive as I can. Negative thoughts...TAKE WAYYYYY TOO MUCH ENERGY from me!
I wish everyone the best holiday!
Lisa
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Pam,
You said that you hate it when people tell you that God does not give one more than they can handle, I agree with you. My sister also hated it when people told her that. When her breast cancer metastisized people told her that she didn't have enough faith. It upsets me to even think about it.
In my case, I seem to be doing okay. Everyone acts as if nothing has happened, so I play along. I've not got back to my regular self yet and I stay in the house alot. I hardly even look at my new boobs....it's too depressing. I'll always be thankful that my cancer was caught in time (although I'm scared it may come back) and I'm sure I'll get back to where I should be someday.
But if one more person compares my experience to their breast reduction or augmentation I will SCREAM!!!
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2newboobs..how could anybody even DARE to compare the two?? omg!!! I will scream with you!
I agree...I don't like ot hear God only gives you what you can handle...my response has been...well God...guess what?? I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!! NO MORE FOR ME!!
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Maybe I'm not as okay as I would like to be.....yet!
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Ok here I go....Everyone has always told me how outgoing I am..how I always have a smile on my face. I found out in Dec 07 that I had BC. In May I lost My breast and in June has some hard shells put on my chest. I will have them replaced in Jan. sometime with some softer shells and at some point have my nipps put back on.My husband never went the first DR visit with me (he did come surgery) nor did my Mom due to I had just lost my Dad due to cancer in Jan. Me and my husband have been married for 18 yrs. I have 2 children son 15 and daughter 12. I am 38 yrs old and I feel like I am 50. I have no zest left in me,But guess what I always have a smile on my face it is like I have just painted it there. Not that I want to but I just know everyone knows me for that. I just want to cry...No one even acts like I have cancer or ever did. They just go about there day like ok surgery over everything is back to the way it was. I just want to SCREAM....Does anyone even care. All I hear from my mom is how good my Dad did with all of his pain and how she never heard him say a word.So guess what I DONT. My husband just goes on like it never happend. This is all just a big mess for me. But as always all I can do is SMILE..........
THANKS FOR THE EAR
JOEI
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Everyone please vent it makes all of us feel better....
! Atleast I don't feel like the only one who's pissed about having had bc. One of the changes in me is that I do try to enjoy the present without anticipating the future as much
. Actually, I'm scared of anticipating what the furture has in store for me
. I definitely make more time to spend with my children and arrange for more alone time with my husband. And most importantly, every F#@&in ache and pain I now feel, I fear the absolute worst
. I don't want to run off constanly demanding scans, my doctors' will think that I'm nuts and too much radiation isn't good for anyone (especially after having radiation) but neither is the stress of worrying. When will I trust my body again? As far as friends and family there's no support there because as far as their concerned one day they act as if I'm cured but at times they're telling me that have been praying for me but they never call to see how I'm doing. So I'm confused...am I cured or what????? My sister (she's 18 years older than me) who lives out of state never called me through this whole ordeal but when her son's got married this summer, I received wedding invitations .... what the f#@&k?? I was going to respond that I'm too busy dealing with cancer but then I told myself why waste the energy and through the invitations out. Actions speak louder than words I'll stop here cause I can see myself writing a book, may be I should??? If it became a best seller, that would be a positive experience from bc wouldn't it??? Everyone says it gets easier with time...does it really
????? I'm still waiting for it to get easier............ -
Since moving to San Diego seven years ago, I've been rather like King Theodan in Lord of the Rings - lost in a netherworld of depression, withdrawn, hardly functioning, not giving a crap about life. Breast cancer snapped me out of that fast and forced me back in my groove. While living in Tennessee, I was very much a go-getter, an a$$-kicker, risk-taker, and loved every minute of life. BC actually shocked me out of my zombie state and brought me closer to my old self again. I realized that I would have to kick a$$ to get through this, and that's exactly what I've done. It brought out the best in me. I wish it hadn't taken bc to do that, but better late than never. I also realized just how dear my friends are...I really had a Jimmy Stewart/It's a Wonderful Life experience in that, when I was in trouble, everyone rallied around me and went above and beyond my wildest expectations.
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Why do we have to smile all the time?? I am expected to take everything in stride but I am tired of it. I'm tired of people asking me how I am and call themif I need anything. Then when you do, they are busy.And my DH told me I should have had a bilat so this doesn't happen again and take up HIS time. Excuse me????? Sorry but I'm tired of not sleeping, tired of getting exhausted doing simple chores and tired of people thinking I will be back to noral when chemo is over.
D
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