New here, Hello everyone.

Hello everyone,

I'm Kayla.  My mother passed away from breast cancer on September 1, 2001.  I was eleven years old then, now 18.  She didn't inform me when she was diagnosed, because I was around the age of 7.  Too young to really grasp the idea of what cancer was.  Later on, she told me what she had.  It hit me hard, but I still didn't know how serious it was.  She was always at the hospital, going through chemo, and always in pain. 

She was very spirtual, and believed that other remedies besides the medication the doctors perscribed would save her.  She went out to Ohio to have a Shaman there try and heal her, and always stayed positive.  She wanted to stay with my sister (who is four years older than me) as long as possible.  She wanted to see us grow up, go through college, see us get married and just be with us.  

At one point, the cancer went away.  It was gone for about a few months, and we were all so excited.  But, it came back again.  And this time they removed her left breast.  Still with what she was going through, she always managed to have a smile on her face.  I never really knew how much pain she was in, because she didn't want me to see her like that. 

She began to write my sister and I journals.  Then she became really sick.  She went to the hospital during the middle of the night, and stayed there till morning.  The next day, she had a hospital bed in our house in her room. She still smiled when I came into the room, but I could really tell she was hurting.  She then broke the news to me.  She told me that there wasn't a lot the doctors could do to help her, and that she has some options.  They said she could wait it out, and see what happens but won't have a long time to live.  Or they could give her a shot, that would put her to sleep in a way, but she could hear stuff just couldn't move around or talk.  She gave me the option on what she could do.  She wanted me to decide.  She didn't want to leave my sister and I at all.  I couldn't see her in pain anymore, I didn't want her to suffer.  That would be selfish on my part to keep her here just for me, when she was slowly dieing and in pain.  Within the next few days, she was in the hospital.  The shot was given to her, and I could talk to her, she just couldn't respond.  I saw her everyday, and told her how much I love her.  I did that everyday for four days. 

Then on September 1, 2001 at 5:18 p.m. my grandmother called me to tell me that she passed away. I didn't know what to do. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn't grasp the face that she was actually gone.  It look along time for it to actually sink in.  Her body may be gone, but I know she's always around me. 

She was very spirtiual and believed in symbols, and she told me that whenever I saw a hawk in the sky that it would be her.  On my graduation day (June 8, 2008), during one of the speeches I was just looking around. I looked up in the sky, and there was a hawk hovering and flying around.  I know she's here with me, which gives me some comfort, but I still miss her a lot.  She was a very strong women and tried to stay here with my sister and I for as long as possible.

 Yesterday, I got a tattoo on my chest for her.  It's a breast cancer ribbon with the word "Mom" on it, and her birth date on one side and the day she passed away on the other side.  I also donated 13 inches of my hair last July.  I'm doing everything I can to help others, and to keep my mothers memories with me. I came across this discussion board, and I want to talk and help others. 

Kayla