Has breast cancer changed the person you are?

bump

Hi,

Thank you HeatherBLocklear for also starting this thread.

I too understand full-well what your talking about

I feel very bitter and jaded about life since my dx. Unfortunately what made it worse was that I kind of got hit by a double whammy.

When I say this what I mean is that before my own dx, my dad was dx 6 months prior.  I'll never forget the night my sister called and said she had bad news about dad. When she told me I literally collapsed to the ground. After a few days, I tried to deal with the news the best I could. Eventually, together with my family, we helped get dad through his treatment. By December of 2007 we were celebrating his 60th birthday at my house, and in January 2008 he was in remission. We were all thrilled. Four days after my dad's great news, I found a lump in my left breast. By the end of January 2008, I was dx with breast cancer.

At first I was in shock and disbelief as I have no history of BC on either side of the family. Also both my PCP and OBGYN thought my lump was only a cyst. I started thinking that this was all some kind of a cruel hoax.

I had my lumpectomy in Feb.; followed by radiation from April to July. I have to say it was right around radiation, I noticed my attitude really started to change. I started to become hostile, and irritated with everyone and everything around me. 

 I then had a potentially lethal allergic reaction to Tamoxifen which I was put on because I am ER/PR+. Unfortunately after that reaction, I was told by 2 separate onc's that hormone therapy of any kind would never again be an option for me, as there was too great of a risk of the same thing happening again. By now, I was truly pissed off and started thinking, "Why the he** is this happening to me?"

I started chemo 2 weeks ago. I have 7 cycles left. So far with chemo I have experienced horrendous bone pain, major fatigue, and nausea ( however the pain and nausea meds help.) This past week I went to try on wigs and hair coverings as I am preparing myself for my hair to fall out from treatment.

The past 5 days my attitude has really gotten bad. I have been almost constantly bitter and angry. I feel like all of this is so unfair. Normally, I try to be positive, but lately I am just getting fed up. I am sick and tired of walking around with a phony smile on my face and making light jokes about everything. Normally, I am lighthearted, funny, and good-natured. But right now, I don't feel like being that person.       

Lately, I have been very frustrated with my husband. I am not trying to be mean, but he seems supportive on the days when I don't really need his help. For example, on the days when I really need him for emotional support (like on wig shopping day, or last Friday when I was in major pain), he finds "things" to do: chores around the house, goes to the gym, basically making himself unavailable. Oh, one other thing? I am sick and tired of my husband and his male counterparts who keep saying to him, " You guys are in the home stretch; you should be focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel." Let me  say that this is easier for my husband and his male counterparts to do. Number one: neither he nor they are going through chemo. Yes, this is the last stage of treatment for me. However I still have about 5 1/2 more months to go before I am finished. It is very easy for them to say that we are in the "home stretch" when THEY are not the ones getting infusions for 2 hours and have to deal with all the side effects!  I feel like I am bringing him down by being sick, and I feel like he is tired of the whole situation and "just wants his wife back."  

Before BC, I was always the strong one: the person in the family that everyone turned to to take care of problems, the "go to girl" at my job, member of Phi Theta Kappa with a GPA of 4.0. Now, I can barely get it together enough to get dressed and function daily, especially since I started chemo.

I do have faith in God; however lately that has been tested big time. I am hoping that my faith will once again become strong and will help me get through the rest of the tough times. I know that things, meaning life in general will eventually get back to some sense of normal for me and those around me. However right now, I am having a hard time being positive and looking ahead to my "bright future" without BC. Right now I have all I can do to get through the rest of chemo.   

There I feel much better now. I think I needed to get ALL of that stuff of my chest.

Sorry for ranting. I know that things will get better. It's just going to take some time.

And things WILL get better- for ALL of us. I really beleive that.  

Thanks for listening.

Many well-wishes and good luck to everyone.

Josie : ) 

PS: Dad is still doing well and in remission.

Diagnosis: Dx 2/21/2008, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-

Im 3 months post bilat mass and have been experiencing weird moods so I thought Id start a thread to see if anyone else was going through the anger, depression, emotional numbness, crabbiness, insomnia etc. etc. Apparently Im not reading these boards enough because I just found this thread and read about thirty comments by women who feel exactly how I feel. Phewww! What a relief to know Im not losing my s**t.

I dont remember the last time I truly smiled. I stretch my lips across my teeth but it just doesn't feel the same. What I wonder ( and it seems Im not alone here ) is will I ever find my chipper self again or will I aways be slightly cynical and jaded. Time will tell I guess.

Oh the cancer card. I promised myself I wouldn't play it but I just used it last night at a party cos someone really ticked me off and you know what - it felt goooood!

Thanks Annie for the thread. You just made me feel normal.

I cannot believe I just found this post.  I had just posted on another thread that time had not been my friend with regard to how I felt.  I used to be strong, self assured, a woman working in a man's world, happy, loved to banter and cut up.  Now, I stay on the verge of tears, had a panic attack at work yesterday and had to go home, have been in bed all day today and really haven't wanted to be anywhere else.  I have four years left until eligible for retirement and now that's all I want to do is retire.  My house is an absolute mess.  Mail, dead flowers, clothing spread everywhere.  I don't want to talk to anyone and the absolute last thing I want to do is exercise.  I haven't balanced my checkbook in a couple of months and have a stack of bills that needed paying weeks ago.  This is so opposite of how I was at the beginning.  I hit BC head on, optimistic and ready to tackle it.  Went through chemo sick but upbeat and smiling.  Now I smile, but like others have said, it's merely a stretching of the lips across my teeth, not a real smile.  And, I know there is a difference in who I am and I can't seem to find the "oomph" to change it.  I'm tired, really, really tired and just want to be left alone.  This is so not fair to my husband and children, but I don't know how to fix it.

I love this question!

I'd have to say as many others, yes and no. Like OneBadBoob (a name I love by the way!), there are days I wake up ready to conquor the world and others where I want to hide in my room. If I had to pick just one though, I'd say yes it's changed ME for the better...others in my world may not agree. I stopped saing "yes" to things I don't want to do (learning to say NO! is very freeing!). I try not to sweat the small stuff in life (waiting in long lines...especially after the hurricanes here in Louisiana). I'm still in the "oh shit I've gotta get healthier mode" (quitting smoking and losing weight at the top of the list) and am working on that everyday. Dieting is easier than quitting smoking (I'm allergic to Chantix and Zyban, the patch because of the adhesive, can't chew the gum). Trying to quit cold turkey on Friday (don't teach on Fridays and can hole up in my roon=m to go through the withdrawal from nicotine and not kill everyone I see!).

My mom's favorite saying has become my own "Don't sweat the small stuff and in the scheme of life, it's ALL small stuff!".

Thanks for asking this question!

Margaret

I feel great. Did chemo, halfway through rads. I shed a few tears when first diagnosed. Alot of the initial fear has disipated. Sometimes I feel stressed. So many more things that I have to do. Doctors appointments all over the place. Rads everyday. Lymphadema in my arm. That has to be dealt with. Extra exercises added. But I can't say it has changed me. Still laugh alot. Don't ever feel depressed.Liked me before, and still like me. Oddly, I even have a new love interest.Still read, listen to music, and have started back drawing. Right now I feel like there are many things worse than this. I am sorry for anyone that is depressed. I have been depressed twice in my life. The first time I made a firm decision to get well. I decided to take up crochet. I crocheted rainbow circles. They were so beautiful-I snapped right out of the depression. The second time, was a long one-maybe 1 year. That time-my brother visited me alot-and always told me and reassured me that I would snap out of it. One day I did. Anti-depressants never worked for me.

 I feel like I lost control over my body the day I got diagnosed. I can either let whoever do whatever they want to my body or die...what a choice. Sorry that was just venting and I'll blame it on the fact that I am moving into my third day after chemo.

Whats changed the most is my tolerance level and my patience level have dropped to zero.

Hey Nancy,

I agree, life is a crapshoot (I say this almost every day...could we be twins!?!). I do find that overall I am more patient and am truly greatful for every day I have! IMO, attitude counts for alot and I try everyday to stay upbeat and believe "this too shall pass". Some days are better than others and I do allow myself to have a "pitty party" once in a while (I think it's necessary and healthy so I can see how far I've come!). No stoning from me! Take care.

Margaret

Sunflower45,

      I think the worst thing you have to get through with cancer, at least at the outset, is having to wait.........for test results, for path. reports, for lab reports.  It really does test your patience, and you have this feeling of something hanging there in the back of your mind all the time.  But after I knew what I was dealing with and had a plan to deal with it, I just kept on truckin'!  I couldn't change the dx, so I got on the phone and made arrangements and did what I had to do.  I also felt it could never happen to me, so that was a BIG surprise.  I said I'd just have a lumpectomy (no mastectomy) and never have implants.  The moral of THAT story is, you never say "never!"  LOL!  Two weeks sounds like a long time to wait for path. results.  I had a lumpectomy on a Tues. and was on the "horn" to my BS by Fri. PM.  She told me then what was found....size, stage, grade, etc.  So.....my suggestion to you is to call and see if your dr. has the results and will give them on the phone (some are sticklers about that, but others aren't, if the info is available.)  They should realize the stress you're under not knowing, and accommodate you if they can.   Best of luck, and keep us posted!       Nancy

It looks like I am not the only one that doesn't care about work anymore. I just started a new job 2 weeks before my diagnosis. My boss has been really fantastic through all of this, not expecting me to work when I don't feel like it, allowing me to take a leave. Now I don't want to go back. I work at home and just want to enjoy each and every day. I used to be so concerned about working and getting farther in my career. Now I just want to quit the job. I still have a weekend job at home that is very simple compared to the other one and not stressful at all. I just want to keep that one and tell my boss I am going from a temporary leave to a permanent one. It is a stressful job because it was all so new when I was diagnosed and I haven't been able to work with it much. Life IS too short!! I love my kids and want to be with them, although I am more grumpy than I was before chemo. I know that will change when I am not so tired. I have been changed for the better in many ways and for the worst in some (but I think a lot of that is how I feel daily).

Cathie

I had one doctor tell me that you appreciate life better after being diagnosed. Well before my breast cancer diagnoses I was a happy person who always did good deeds and helped others. I enjoyed life, worked hard and love to travel. With my diagnosis and the problems I had with post-op wound and hypersensitivity reaction to my chemo and days of misery following chemo. I still trying to figure out how to appreciate life better with a cancer diagnosis. Cancer sucks.

I have become a much mellower person since going through all this. I've found out what really matters, and like someone else said, don't sweat the small stuff.

I remove myself from toxic people and toxic situations as much as I can.

I used to be the person that griped at things. Now I know those things don't matter much anymore.

I  do take exception to the "be positive" "cancer is a gift" (wtf?) people.

I take exception to the people that say "chemo is a breeze", "you should be feeling great".

I especially took exception with my PCP who treated me like I had canceritis on the last 2 visits, and blew me off. ( I had some severe back problems proven by MRI, by a different doctor)  I'm seriously considering not returning to that PCP.

Yeah, cancer has changed the person I am, but maybe not in the way most would expect.  

Hi everyone,

This is a great topic of conversation!

I am a little over a year out from my lumpectomy that got all the cancer, thru with chemo and rads, and just two more Herceptin treatments to go.  I have done a lot of reflecting recently on how my life has changed due to breast cancer.  My energy level has returned, I am physically fine except for the normal aches and pains, and physically strong as a horse (some days I eat like one too )  It sure messed up my hunting and fishing season last year, and this one hasn't been much better, but hey, there's always next year.  Other than the weight gain and menopause issues, I feel I am really in great shape physically.  BUT the thing I miss the most is my mind!!!!!  I cannot function at work like I used to, can't focus, can't concentrate, can't remember squat, can't see very well without my reading glasses, am not organized any more, I type things backward and misspell words, but the funny thing is: I really don't care!!    I hope I get that part of me back soon, maybe after I finish Herceptin?? 

Thank you for starting this post, and for all of the comments and personal stories. I haven't read all of them (there are so many) but much of what I did read rang true for me too. 

I am 40 years old and nearly a year out from treatment. I had a double mastectomy, chemo, and smiled through most of it with a positive attitude and plenty of hope for a bright future. My prognosis is good, but I find the uncertainty of no real follow-up tests disconcerting. I found my cancer myself - after many months of going to doctors and saying I just don't feel right and not getting any answers until I discovered a lump.

I have a lot to smile about, a wonderful husband, three adorable young children (all under 6yrs), good friends, and a supportive family. I've always been a positive person and a do-er. Now I find myself frequently sad and not really liking the changes imposed by cancer.

Some of that has to do with my general appearance. I've lost my breasts, gained nearly 10lbs, went from long flowing hair to a boy's cut, lost my periods, low energy, etc etc. I used to run and do plenty of yoga, I've had surgery after surgery (reconstruction, port, ...) and lost a lot of my fitness levels.

Bottom line, I don't trust my body anymore, and am afraid of something happening again. For the few months after treatment I felt fine, now I feel uninspired and sad. I miss how I used to feel when I had more energy and less fear. I'm hoping this feeling is temporary and will pass. In the meantime, I try to smile on the outside ... 

Yes, Sandi I said the same thing on another thread!  A blessing????  Not in my world.  Everyone in the audience was cheering like BC was the best thing that ever happened to them.  Believe me, I don't need cancer (a second time...ovarian 6 years ago) to make me appreicate what I have.

I feel like you.  I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, what I'm supposed to be feeling.  There's no joie de vivre.  It's like I'm sleepwalking through my life (probably because I haven't had a decent night's sleep since 1999 when, at the age of 46, I started having hot flashes!