Friends? What friends??

Becca J--I think it's true that a lot of what's going on when people distance themselves has more to do with them than it does with you. All of a sudden, you become a symbol of mortality, of what can go wrong (even with an early stage cancer). Some people don't have the temperament to be able to look into that abyss. 

I've found that some of the people I really expected to be there for me weren't really there, whereas others who were more on the periphery of my life before this have really stepped in and been there for me. I try not to be too hard on the ones who step away, but it's hard.

When I told my brother I had to have surgery on my breast because of some "bad cells," his immediate response was to start complaining about his job. No acknowledgement of what I'd said, whatsoever. I was stunned. I said, "Did you hear what I just said?" He said yes, he'd heard, but he wasn't sure if I really wanted to talk about it!

And I know he loves me.

People are so complex. The only thing I can tell you for sure is that this board is a godsend. Fears, concerns, laughs--whatever you want to share, you'll find compassion and comaraderie and the kind of understanding that can only come from people who are traveling the same road.

God bless,

Ace 

I think we sometimes have high expectations for people and they fail us that way.

Modern life isn't what it once was, everybody is so busy and nobody really rallies round you without being penciled in months ahead of time.

Oddly I think you get more support if you work. My co-workers are the greatest. It's not like they're there constantly, but I see them so regularly and we all keep up with one another. Almost like you'd think your neighbors or friends would.... Except I hardly know my neighbors and my friends are very compartmentalized.

At least you've found the bc.org gals!

I think that people dont know how to deal with folks who have cancer so they dont deal period, others just like people who dont pose problems or discomfort for them. I'm sorry to hear that your friends are of the "fair weather" sort.  Then again payback's a bitch!

I think I used to be one of those people who really didn't know what to say.  Today--after being on the other side--I always reach out and hug.  And I don't forget to send a kind email, card, or pick up the phone.  It doesn't have to happen often--its those once in awhile "you look great" pick me  ups that really count.

I have experienced some of that too.  Some people won't talk about it with you at all.  Like it doesn't exist. 

I had a whole bunch of support going through the biopsies and my bilateral mastectomy.  I just went through my expander/implant exchange.  I have a lot less support through this surgery.  Like I'm old news or something.  Maybe since it was diagnosed early and I didn't have to do radiation or chemo or even Tamoxifin, it isn't a big deal to people.  But it is to me!

The good thing is that I think it has shown me who my really good friends are. 

Becca----I'd never posted anything til yesterday and am already comforted by the quick and reassuring responses.  It seems we are all in this together.  Many people aren't comfortable talking about breasts to begin with and if yours are dysfunctional....well, they don't know what to say.  This doesn't mean they don't care;  it means they are scared or don't know what to offer you.  Hang in there.

.PS. since dx. my hushand decsided to move. So I have one in this state. always

JustTurned ~

This is difficult...don't try to "choose your words" speak from your heart.  Tell her you will always be thankful that she was your mentor and in return if she ever needs to talk or someone just to listen that she can depend on you. 

I am sure she knows you are busy with not only your family but your diagnosis...but just to hear someone that cares helps too.  Its better to say something...than nothing at all...when her time comes you don't want to say, " I wish I could have said..." 

Perhaps, you can send her a little trinket of some kind...I had received two beautiful stones with words PEACE and HEALTH...you can find any little trinket to give her at a spiritual shop.  Whatever, you would like to convey...

Best of luck...

Much LUV

I also experienced the sadness and surprise caused by dropping away of my friends, and am surprised at the lack of communication from some family members.You learn so much from this DX, not just about yourself, but about others in your life.

I think it's true that it speaks volumes about their own fears and insecurities. They;re afraid of making the situation worse by saying the wrong thing, so they think they are playing it safe by saying nothing.

 The best response that I've recieved from a friend after telling them about my DX, was "Wow, that sucks!" And the second best thing I've heard is "Let me know if I can do anything." 

 I have internet friends that live all over the world and many have sent little packages or cards. Just one action like that, knowing they took a few minutes to think of me, can make all the difference in feeling loved and supported.

I am really sorry.  Your post made me think.  I work for a large elementary school in the office, so I have a constant flow of co-workers that file past my desk and that I deal with everyday.  I am lucky in that they have mostly all be wonderful except for a few.  There is one lady (younger than I) who had a double mast/double reconstruction a few years ago and she has been a God-send.  Even though I really did not know her well beforehand, we have become great friends.  The others that have been the most supportive to me, have been the ones that have been thru similar experiences, or who have had close friends or family that have.  Some of them have surprised me though -- some say very little (if anything) to me.  I think it has a lot to do with life experiences and personalities (like others have said). 

 Have you looked into any support groups in your area?  Surely there are others that are going through similar cancer issues.  People that can understand are THE best and you will find out how quickly you will become friends when you have common struggles.   Good luck to you!! 

I got so choked up reading this thread last night, I couldn't write a response!  I've been very lucky that my friends & colleagues have been so great, but there have been a few old & close friends who have done absolutely nothing & that hurts, I admit.

JustTurnedForty, I think what you are going through with your friend with ALS is so common with so many kinds of grief, trauma, loss,etc.  Everything we can think of to do for someone going through some big bad thing feels so inadequate that we do nothing.  I think this comes from our feeling helpless to make any difference at all in the outcome of what the person is going through.  But really, just think about yourself & what helps you when you're down.  Honestly, you know I'm sure from being on the receiving end, that it's not really the size of the gesture that's important, it's the fact that a person made it at all.  

It really does make a difference to me to get all the emails & phone messages & cards that people send my way, even if that's all they do.  If you need proof of that, check out the September Rads group under Radiation & read the posts about my laughing cat card.  I got this hilarious card last week from a colleague of mine that made me laugh so much & that I've shared here by link & with a bunch of other friends.  (click on www.kksphotos.com/blog.html & scroll to the bottom of the page to see it)  That card came from a colleague whose husband travels a lot & she herself works about 20-30 hours a week & has three kids, one of them with Down's Syndrome, so she's pretty doggone busy.  I was just so tickled that she thought to send a card at all. 

So, do anything, any small thing, for your friend with ALS.  It's doesn't matter what.  "Just Do It," as the Nike ad says.  That's the part that counts.

Kathi

We are normal! We are special! Some people seem to think the "C" word is contagious. We all have  acquaintances, but our true friend you can count on 1 hand!  In here we have family. We are never alone here. We share, shout, cry and even give hugs. We really do care about each other. In here is our home away from home. A place to be heard and have someone that really understands! So please don't feel empty, you have us! (((((((((((((((((hugs to all)))))))))))))))))

Ellen