Starting Chemo May 2008

Eddie -- Stand firm. And I applaud you for saying "it IS about me" and "No, I do not want your hubby to come along." I'm going through a similar situation and while I fear that I've pissed off/hurt a very good friend of mine by saying "Brunch, yes; a whole night & day together, no" the prospect of being held hostage to my guilt hasn't been working for me either. It's all a variation on the theme of telling us how we're supposed to feel.

If the cancer that grows/grew in your breast and the chemicals that flow into your body through your veins aren't just about you, then who is it supposed to be about?

Whack, whack, whack, WHACK. 

I really hope your friend comes to her senses.  

Eddie - I applaud you for standing strong and setting her straight that this is about you.  When people are that selfish, they need to get thumped with the shovel.  Stay strong and  know that this is YOUR last chemo treatment and it will be exactly how YOU want it.  Last chemooooo Eddie, hang in there and celebrate it being done.  We are waiting with hugs on the other side.   

Jean

Eddie - I don't even know what to say.  I just can't imagine anyone saying that and they certainly wouldn't be part of my "circle of trust" any longer.  You focus on YOU.  It IS all about YOU and don't you forget it!  This is your last CHEMOOOOO!  Celebrate it and forget those who think you owe them anything. 

Eddie--that friend is no friend.  It is ALL about you....but it sure must have hurt when she said that.  Sorry you had to deal with that..

Sable, I HAVE STUBBLE!! (somehow that doesn't sound the same..) I, too love your avatar. It's goofy, and lovely.

Cristine--It's a bit late, but you have my permission to meltdown, and I have my shovel ready if you need it (nor for dd, but for anyone else who may run afoul of you). Shovel friends are the best, don't you think? (I'd like to see that sentiment on a welcome mat). Glad you are feeling better and less pressure--it's guaranteed to blow if you hold it in!  I hope you get to finish chemo as originally planned, as it feels like such a tragedy to be delayed...

ROCK--It's such a pleasure to read your posts again.  I missed you so much.  It took me weeks after my diagnosis to figure out I was mostly angry at myself--because I found the lump in December, I have always had lumpy breasts and it wasn't that different from what I had been feeling for years, but I waited until February to see my GYN about it.  I was so afraid that it had spread and that would be my own stupid fault.  It appears I dodged that particular bullet, and I am grateful for that.  I'm so glad you got to spend time with your sister. (I'm hoping she's the sister you like)...I remember when I was 10, my very devout and non-cursing mother called me an "overbearing little bitch"--and I was!!  I knew everything, and would argue with anyone.  I was that way until I joined the Navy and that particular quality was beaten out of me.

I start rads tomorrow.  I have mixed feelings, but have made my decision, and I am trying to just let it go.  I've also decided not to decide about reconstruction until I am totally drug-free (I'm still taking pain meds for bone pain)...(and Ativan to sleep at night)...I just want to know I made my decision with my real brain.  Speaking of my real brain, before chemo I could remember numbers really well, it was my gift and served me well at air traffic control..we wrote over 200 pilot deviations in 2007, and if you asked me who was involed in, say, number 87, I could usually retrieve one or both of the call signs involved, and remember the controller.  Some of you may remember my meltdown at work with chemobrain where I couldn't find this file I was looking for and someone followed me up and found it where I had looked already.  Then, five minutes later he did it again, and gently teased me about it.  Well, poor guy, I burst into tears, because I just felt so disabled.  Point of the story, MY MEMORY IS COMING BACK!!!! It feels so good!!! And I am feeling just that tiny bit better, every day.  I feel really happy. (Hope rads don't send me back to that dark pllace where I was, because I never want to go there again.)..

Julie, this is probably not timely, but YOU NEED A FEDORA.  Go to Target or Walmart, believe it or not, and check in the young men's section--they are in style again for young men.  A fedora, if you don't know, is a hat like Bogey used to wear.  I have a large collection going!! It's too hot where I live for a wig, I never even considered it. The great thing about my fedora is it's a hat, and a fan!!!  Also, as Rock noted, it's fun to say (fedora fedora fedora)

Karin, how was school today? Did you get lots of germy hugs? 

Love all you guys!  Hope I didn't miss anybody!

Sue 

Jen, great horoscope.  How come I never see horoscopes like that?  Of course, the only ones I read are in the Onion, where my current one goes, ""Turns out, it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence."

Sue, good luck with rads tomorrow.  I just don't see them sending you back to the dark place you were during parts of chemo.  You're not going back there, period. 

(Oh, and fedoras aren't just in for young men.  Young women - including my daughter - love them too.)

A weird thing happened to me last week.  I went for a run in the evening, and on my way back, I pass a 60ish? maybe 70ish? man walking his dog.  He calls out to me, "great haircut," in a joking sort of way.  I say something about owing it to my oncologist.  That seems to startle him (is it possible he thought my baldness was voluntary??), and he calls out, "hey, come back here."  I do, and he's suddenly all serious, telling me about his own two bouts with cancer.  We talk for a while, and as I'm about to take off, he says, "let me rub your head."  And without waiting for a response, he does.  For good luck?  As a show of support?  For the sheer tactile pleasure of it?  Out of some kinky fetish for sweaty bald women? 

It was a total invasion of privacy, and very weird, but somehow, I didn't mind.

Linda

Group,

I love you. Linda, may I rub your head? Nico...in Bellevue Washington.

Yea for stubble. Congrats.

Glad, too, the class reunion was fun. 

Randie,  That older generation simply has a difficult time. Glad you didn't pick up the second time. I LOVE you all. Thanks for whacking with me. More later. Dinner now.

Gracie - So glad you had fun at your reunion!  I love your response to your dh, too.

Jen - What a great horoscope!  Yeah, it fits just fine.

Randie - Oy, with the uncle!!  But I'm sorry to hear about your dad - I'm hoping it's nothing anyone needs to worry about. 

Sue - So glad you're memory is coming back!  That's good to know, because I used to have a great one, too.  Now I'm good if I remember my name and where my office is.

Linda - Great story.  And a bit weird, but mostly great.

Karin - Love the video - thanks, I do feel better!

Eddie - I hope you're having a better day and getting ready for your BIG day!

Rock & Otter - Hey!  (Just because...)

Noelle - Happy Herceptin Day tomorrow!  We need a word now for you "just Herceptin" ladies, like Chemoooo!  Think on that while you're being infused...

I'm doing o.k., but had a resurgence of se's today - unhappy feet, hands are tender, mouth is rebelling against anything harder than scrambled eggs.  Not terrible, but definitely noticeable.  I get one more day and then get to start over!  Wheeeeee!

Linda - ROFL about your running story and him rubbing your head.  What a strange yet interesting encounter.  I did notice that while my brother was in town for a week, he continually rubbed my head and would comment on how perfectly round it was. 

Roxi - I agree with Rock that the expander is likely giving you the issue under the arm . . . I had the same issue and asked the onc for a referral to see a PT.  I do not have Lymphedema, but do have issues with cording that they are working on and it has been going well.  What makes me nervous is that I am getting radiation through the expander (chest wall).  They indicated that is standard practice in MN. 

Sue - I have the same type of lumpy breasts - I found the lump and thought it was just more of the fibrous tissue and also waited.  The irony is that (3) doctors told me that the lump was of no concern (had MRI & 2 ultrasound on it) and that I should wait six months and see if it changes.  I would have followed those instructions (3 doctors cannot be wrong - right?) if my mammogram (and biopsy) had not reveled that I also had calcification that was cancer.  The lump turned out to be invasive cancer, mucinous carcinoma which they only see 7% of the time and had already spread to my lymph nodes.  I was soooooo mad at myself as well, then I began to wonder if the two months allowed the calcification cancer to develop to be detected.  Had they not found that, I would have waited the recommended six months and the invasive cancer may have spread further.  You cannot be mad at yourself, at least you were doing the monthly exams and caught it earlier than later. 

Update on Mom.  The layer of complications have bubbled up and the doctors told us that she has approximately two weeks.  We moved her to a beautiful hospice facility yesterday.  If you are inclined to say prayers and would say one for her, her name is Ruby.  Thanks.

Jean

Jean - I am so sorry.  Your mom is in my thoughts...as is your entire family.

Had my 3 week follow up with my Onc today.  Bloodwork looks great.  He is having additional testing done to check my hormone levels.  He feels that since I am in my mid 40's (I strongly advised him to refer to a woman of 44 to be in her early 40's!) and that I have not had a menstrual cycle since late May (between cycles 2 & 3 of A/C) that chemo may have put me into menopause.  If that is the case, my hormone regimen will be different...no Tamoxifan as originally discussed.  I'm hoping I'm in menopause!  I hadn't realized that along with Tamoxifan that there is a monthly shot to go along with it.  Besides, I love the idea of no more menstrual cycle....the worst part of being a girl.

Jean~ a prayer has been said for your mom AND your family. I'm so sorry sweetie, you have so much on your plate right now.

Adrienne~ Shot with tamox????? I hadn't heard that one yet. Is it a norm for everyone? I was really hoping to be done with needles of all kinds by then :O(

Otter~ don't feel bad you are able to get back into RL. Just make sure to check on us occasionally :O)

Ok up for tomorrow........

Eddie (last taxol!!!!) ~ Jen (also last taxol!!!!) ~ Noelle (herceptin?) Cris ~(Chemo of some sorts, only a few more to go!) Anyone else up for tomorrow????? I want to go somewhere cold how about some snowboarding???????

p.s. I noticed eyebrows starting to come back in this morning as well! Praise the Lord! And I know not to become too attached to them as they may want to turn into lemmings as well. At least its a start.

Sable - the shot is Zoladex, given monthly...this along with the Tamoxifen tx.  I'm not sure if this is a standard tx given by all Onc's or not.  Just now starting to research.  Today was the first that I had heard of the shot.  Its possible he mentioned it indirectly when we discussed tx at the beginning....but it may have been using different terminology.  I would've remembered discussion of "shots" being given over a long period of time.  I'm a big baby and he said the needle is quite big .... gee thanks.  Come on menopause!

<Edit...I found this on bc.org - "It's important to remember that if you're pre-menopausal and you take tamoxifen, you can keep menstruating. Or, if you're close to menopause, tamoxifen may push you over the edge and stop your periods. Some ovarian function might still persist in this case, but not enough for you to have periods. For complete ovarian shutdown in a pre-menopausal woman, Zoladex is usually needed to make the ovaries stop working. Depending on the situation, your doctor may recommend only tamoxifen without full ovarian shutdown. Or your doctor might recommend both tamoxifen and Zoladex. In post-menopausal women, the ovaries are already shut down, so tamoxifen alone is enough. Or your doctor might prescribe an aromatase inhibitor instead of tamoxifen. "

Jean-you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.  We are all here for you.

Just got back from my weekly onc visit and labs.  Hemoglobin is even lower, so tomorrow I go to the hospital for 2 units of packed red blood cells.  Hoping this helps in the energy department.  Went to hosp. today to be typed & cross matched.  

Grace, I am so sorry....wish I could send some hemoglobin  to you...if we all sent a little bit extra, then you wouldn't need any, right?

Jean -- I am so very sorry about your mom. And I'm also very sorry that it is happening now. 

And Noelle -- Less than 2 years ago? Oh sweetie. I think I knew that but it is still hard for me to wrap my brain around. My parents have had a half dozen near-death (seriously) experiences between them from the time I was 10 (inc 2 since my dx). But they are still alive, and I cannot imagine it being any other way. 

Gracie -- I hope that your transfusion is uneventful, and that you're rewarded with more energy.

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I went to the onco today for a follow up. Very uneventful. She mentioned starting me on Tamoxifen post-rads. (Before, she had hinted that she might put me on it during rads. But I think my hot flashes reassure her that I'm in menopause.)

I am having my ovaries removed post-rads.  Then I expect to be on an estrogen suppressor (maybe Femora?) since my body will still be producing estrogen, albeit a lot less.

phone ringing. must trot.

Jean,

I will say a prayer for peace for your mom. I will say a prayer for healing for all of you as you grieve. I am thinking of Ruby and will say a prayer for her at temple on Friday night.

Noelle,

I love your spirit. You will get more than five years and five more and five more I know...and that will just be the beginning. You are no stranger to cancer. You are no stranger to wisdom either.

Jenn, Sable, and Cris,

Snowboarding sound too cold for me, but I've been having hand and foot syndrome issues so I'd be happy to lodge it while you to go out there and snowboard away. BTW, I am a skiier anyway, but still, I like the concept of being on a mountain as I grew up in Colorado. As usual, I am slightly worried about tomorrow, but none-the-less excited to be finishing up. I have my pole dance concept (it has changed) down and I hope I have the energy to pull it off after a long day tomorrow. I dread taking steroids tonight but will in a few minutes. I wish you both easy, smooth and uneventful days tomorrow. I will be thinking of both of you as well as the women on the other side plus those swimming along to encourage us as well as the lovely and strong women who will follow.

Gracie,

May your next few days go smoothly as well. I know they will and I will be thinking of you.

Randie,

I am with you. I want to lose my other breast as well as my ovaries, but first, herceptin and a foob to feel a little normal for a while.

Rock,

As always, so happy to have you back.

To all of you who came with shovels, thanks. My dh told me I was mean when I was speaking with my friend. I may have been, but I had told her so many times what I needed/wanted. Tomorrow, we will heal and I hope her intensity doesn't overwhelm me.

Women,

You mean the world to me. I look forward to checking in with you sometime late tomorrow afternoon.

Love,

Eddie