Has breast cancer changed the person you are?
Comments
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I, too, can relate to the ladies who feel their lives have been adversly changed. All through diagnosis, surgery, and treatment, I was very strong because I wanted everything to remain "normal" for my children and the rest of my family. I had a positive outlook, for awhile and tried to live everyday as if it were my last. I didn't want to say or do anything negatively for my loved ones to remember when I pass. Well, that was three years ago. I have no reason to believe I will experience an occurance, as I was stage 1, however, I had no reason to expect to get cancer at thirty-five in the first place. I think it is the loss of innocence that has been the hardest for me. Before diagnosis, I was the one who always saw the bright side of things but now, I am the first to point out the negative in anything. I get grouchy with my coworkers, who have been nothing but supportive, impatient with my parents, and not the same kind of mother or wife I used to be. My sister had a baby in February. These thoughts occured to me, "Oh great, another person in this world who will have to suffer if I pass away." I think I subconciously tried to avoid her so she wouldn't become attached. That didn't work very long, though, because she is so loveable and perfect. On top of every thing, I have gained 40 pounds since chemo. I have always had weight a problem, but had been able to manage it when it started to get this far out of hand. I feel like I have given up. I constantly worry about mets and the health of my children, husband, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, students, brother, sister etc... BUT, AFTER READING THIS THREAD AND REALIZING I AM NOT ALONE, I HAVE BEGUN TO PUT THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE. TOMORROW, I WILL TRY TO BE THE PERSON GOD MADE, AND NOT THE ONE CANCER HAS CREATED. I think I can do it. Maybe we need to start a support group for those of us who need help to become and stay positive.
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Annie thanks for starting this insightful and interesting thread........but it hurts my heart to hear you say you're not a worthy person.......none of us deserved to get this beastly disease, but here we are. And if you see yourself as a "fire-breathing dragon" - perhaps this is the dragon that some doctors need to meet in hand-to-hand combat in order to make themselves more worthy!
I am reminded of the book "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" - it was also made into a television movie. For me - it explains my inner beliefs - how no matter how "unworthy" any of us are - God's plan is at work. Knowing this - having faith in God's will gives me a feeling of freedom - that's it's OK for me to feel bad somedays - to feel nasty and grouchy and tired and depressed and fat and old and lazy....................this is how cancer has changed me. I used to be friendly and happy-go-lucky and energetic and thin and CLUELESS to other people's problems. I'm still sometimes clueless to other people's problems. Often I don't have the strength or heart to read a lot of posts here at breastcancer.org - because it breaks my heart - and makes me feel ashamed of myself for complaining. But then I remember - God's will be done - and perhaps He is still using me with all my faults for a better purpose, unknown to me. I often pray that I can be an instrument of God - I don't often talk the talk, or even walk the walk - I find it hard to pray sometimes, I find it hard to feel positive many days - but deep inside me, I know that my life matters in some small way - even if I don't understand why.
Breast Cancer has changed my concept of my "perfect" self.......my ego has been reduced to near nothingness..........and perhaps this was necessary for me to be forced to my knees to witness my own mortality - to see that human perfection is not what we think it is, not what God is looking for.
I don't think of myself as a "worthy" person either Annie...........but I guess God thought I was worthy enough to get breast cancer. Maybe God WANTS more of us to be fire-breathing dragon ladies - because maybe this is what it will take to shake up the researchers and find a cure.
God bless us everyone!
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Okay then! I've read many of the posts although not all. I'm just lately realizing that I might have some anger or such pent up in me from all this that I wasn't aware of? Or maybe it's just a 'don't give a sh*t?' attitude, or a 'shock value or I don't know?
My dh mentioned that he and his friend are 'concerned' or noticed that I am using the 'F' more often? Hm.....interesting. I guess it's okay when you are man and have all your parts, but 1) not a woman and 2) not a woman to use this word in any way or form. WHAT FREAKING EVER! Here's where I'm thinking there is pent up anger ready to boil over
2ndly....Where I know it's not a good idea to run back into a burning building..... I did that the other day when the old folks' home across the street was on fire and the fire dept hadn't arrived yet. I KNEW it wrong to do, but I did it anyway....like I'm superwoman now? Or just no fear now? Or is it I don't care any more what happens? Not sure on this one.
Next....I am VERY much more a careful driver. Mostly in the sense of being aware of how others drive. When I see someone doing something stupid, like backing up in the turn lane, b/c they've changed their minds, or missed a turn, or whatever? I remember how I had to concentrate on WHERE i was going and plan out a list of what followed what in so far as the places I was going, or I would think about somewhere I had to go and head there instead of where I was really heading at the time. Hope this makes sense. Anyway....I keep a mind that there are MANY people on the roads with recent dx of bad health, the loss of a loved one, their overburdened scheduled, their upcoming wedding, a child's illness. What ever.... I am a very more Patient driver.
Last....I am NOT patient in Stores! Sorry...I have NO patience for someone NOT doing their job, or doing it haphazardly. I'll stand up for the owner, or my rights on a dime and not think twice of getting someone fired, b/c Dang it! There are many people who NEED those jobs and can/would do them conscientiously!
So....In some ways, I'm better, but in some I'm more scared, b/c I worry about the what ifs we all fear and worry that my anger will hurt someone unintentionally. I guess my Give a sh*t factor is now at '0' and I don't like that! I use to care...not so much anymore. Things don't matter like they use to I guess.
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bump
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I have been following this tread since its beginning and have wanted to post but everytime I would start something would always stop me. I've had to give some real thought to the person I am now post bc compared to the pre-bc woman I was. My life has pretty much gotten back to normal with a few exceptions due to some lingering SE such as fatigue. But I feel different mentally, emotionally. I resent a job that I once enjoyed because it takes time away from things I personally want to do. People who say how good I look or that I seem to have come through tx well annoy me. I come here to these boards and cry sometimes because of the women I've seen be taken by this beast or become its victim again. I'm a sadder person.
On the other hand I am grateful to be alive, and hope to remain that way for a long time. I have grandchildren to enjoy and retirement to look forward to. These are all good things, gratefulness and hope. Have a good evening.
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I realized that cancer has changed me because it meant that I lost my hair, I lost my breasts, I lost my sisters (who I never really had) and I lost my friend. No wonder I feel down sometimes.
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This has been a good board it is good for us to say how we feel. I received a book from a nurse friend of mine. It is called Getting Better Not Bitter by a BC patient I highly recommend it! We all go through some of the stages anger, acceptance, I mean do we have a choice I don't think so. But eventually you get to a place that you start moving on. You will do it either getting bitter about it all along the way. Or you also have a choice to not become bitter but better and in many positive ways. I remember the first time the bandages came off after I was allowed to shower. I looked in the mirror at the chest area for the first time without bandages and I felt "so violated" so ugly! I crumpled to the bathroom floor and had a real good cry. And sometimes we need that a good cry. I didn't want anyone to see it not even my husband of 33 years. But then I accepted I didn't do anything to get BC it just happened. My husband has been so supportive and I know he really wants me to feel loved. Which I have every morning now before he leaves for work he leans over our bed hugs and kisses me and tells me he loves me. And you know I really need that right now. And yes I still have moments "why me" why did I get BC. Well why not me look at how many it affects 1 out of 8 women. So I just remind myself God is good all the time, all the time God is good. Even when I don't feel it. So happy healing ladies and don't get bitter but DO get better. Stay happy and look on the bright side of life compared to many I am blessed.
God Bless All Of You Dana
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Hi Guys!!!
This is truly a great thread...There are so few places where we can honestly express our true feelings...Certinaly our families, friends, etc...try to undrestand, but they see us in a different light than we see ourselves.
I am still in treatment...Will be having my eleventh radiation treatment today....So I don't know if or how I have changed...I do know that I will never be the same as I was before diagnosis.
One thing...I had a heart attack seven years ago, and have waited for that next one ever since...So now I will be waiting for the next cancer, as well...That squeeze sent me to my pcp, and she put me on Lexapro....I think it is just now beginning to work.
I do get tired of telling people I know how "lucky" I am....I know it is true, but....I feel different now. Can't explain just how...But my BC is on my mind all the time..I never reaally forget about it.
Last Sunday my music group provided the music for two Masses, then went to brunch at Bob Evans....It was SO good to laugh and have a good time...But, I still remembered...
I was so dumb...I thought that because I had had a heart attack, that I was immune to bc... How stupid could I be? I gurss I thought I couldn't have the two biggies, but I did....Lucky me!
Althugh I knew in my gut that the biopsy would come back positive for cancer, I was nevertheless stunned by the words "You have Ductal Carcinoma Insitu"....I had no clue....I was alone here in my office...Felt like a ton of bricks had fallen on my head...I've never felt just that way before. I couldnt believe this awful thing had happened to me!
Now....a couple of months later...I STILL have trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that I am being treated for BC...It somehow doesn't feel real....I wonder who that person is who had the lumpectomy, and is now climbing up on a table every day to be radiated by a huge machine. Could it really be me? Three is just a sureal feel to it all....
The first couple of weeks were awful....I was a mess...both at home and at work...just ask my boss! Now I have calmed down and am concentrating on getting thorugh my treatments... And getting back to my life...hopefully a life without cancer.....
So far, I have kept up with almost all of my regular activities...I did give up one of my ministries at church (Bereavement Minister), because of course funerals cannot be planned around appointments and treatments....But everything else has remained the same...So far....We will have to see how the rest of my rads go...
Thanks, Anne, for starting this thread...I agree with the others that getting Oprah to talk about BC and the women who battle it...who live with it every day....would be a real boost to our "cause"....hate to use that word, but couldn't think of a better one.
I'll report back when my treatment is over, and I am on the "other side"....
Sandy
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Yes I am a very different person in personality and appearance. I was diagnosed in Apr of this year am halfway through chemo treatments. I have never been depressed before but find now that I am short tempered with everyone and half the time I just want to crawl in bed and stay there. My surgery is not even scheduled yet. I can imagine how long that recovery will be and it makes me more depressed. My family is afraid to leave me alone. Not having time to myself makes me even more cranky. I don't want to take any more drugs than what i have to. Life sucks
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I read a book called "After Breast Cancer" - sorry can't remember author's name, but she was a survivor from the Boston area. Anyway... she said something that helped me. She said that it helps to realize that you will never feel the same way again after you have BC. It's like the end of innocence, because you have gone from being healthy to being diagnosed with something that could take your life. So you can never feel the same again. You know there is something out there that can 'get you.' Her book says the key is to try and figure out a way to accept this knowledge and live with it - without letting it take over your thoughts and make you angry or sad or depressed or scared. That's the part I'm working on now. I'm still not there yet, because I think about it every day and do worry a lot about recurrence. But the part about accepting the changes BC has brought to m life have given me some peace of mind. That's why I thought I'd share these thoughts today.
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So, it seems there is a man in Texas with a wife with breast cancer. He is sad and overwhelmed with the fear his daughters will get it. Last week on New York news, he announced the start of a fund for the cure, the offering being one billion dollars. Maybe this is what we need. Finally, a man who feels our pain and knows firsthand what this disease does to us. He is now not the same, nor are his wife and children. I think we have to keep talking. Many of us feel different now, sad, fearful, not as excited about work. I, too, have NO ambition. I just don't care. I don't care what car I drive, as long as I can get there. I don't care about jewelry or clothes. I still love my family, but I am not the sick one in the room. People stop talking when I walk in the room. Hushed tones. If I can think of anything good, I don't worry about my teeth as much as I used to, or my hair. So, I guess there is one positive. Anyway, I still envision that we will have a better future if we can just hang in there a few more years. Thanks for everyone's posts. How do people feel about really trying to get this to Dr. Oz or Oprah. I am one of those people that won't take no if I'm challenged. So, let me know. Love to you all, Mary
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Actually, Katie Couric was on the View talking about a cancer telethon to be aired by all three networks on Sept 6. She was saying that after losing 2 people close to her from this disease it angered her that more wasn't being done. Specifically, $$ from the government. With the billions going to Iraq she felt it was now necessary for the public to fund some of the experiments that the gov won't. She believes that we are on the verge of a major discovery and need to act now.
I suspect it will be extremely successful. Who hasn't been touched in some way by this disease?
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Wow, thanks, prettyinpink100, that sounds hopeful. Mary
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I haven't read all the posts...yet. I did read Annies though.....and all I have to say right now is AMEN! I am right there with you. I'm so tired of being scared all the time.
Teresa
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I laughed out loud when I read these posts, and felt really good.
Yes, I feel lucky. Yes, I feel a new power etc etc etc but WTF! I feel the same as all you girls. I don't want to join cancer support groups, I'm never home when the cancer council volunteers ring me, my bum is getting bigger because of the steroids, I actually don't care about my mastectomy scar (let someone else find it ugly..I seriously don't.), I tear recipe pages out of all the trashy magazines in the waiting rooms, I push in in queues, I don't give a rats. If this is what being self-centered feels like, I'm all for it. What this is ACTUALLY all about is a lifetime of giving, followed by a punch on the nose, or, more accurately, a Nipple Cripple of my one remaining nipple! It's NICE being selfish and crabby, because we all know that these shitty days will pass and we will be back to our normal, loving, selfless selves. In the meantime, let's go WITH the fear and endless bloody-f..-ing tests and elephants (us) in the room and laugh about this almost delicious, thankfully temporary mad movie we are in.
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This is an excellent thread. I ask myself this question almost every day as I try and become comfortable with this new person that is me. At 43 I was comfortable in my own skin, sometimes finding myself smiling for no reason at all. I don't think I can say cancer is a blessing--it's an unfortunate part of our imperfect world that we have been hit with. I do believe that suffering is a blessing when embraced and anything that brings me complete reliance on God just to breathe and put one foot in front of the other to make it through another day is a good thing. I experienced the love and support of our small community, school & church that truly left me humbled. I felt the arms of God around me with every kind word, each meal brought in love, a warm touch, and all the prayer that others sent my way. Now, almost 3 years since dx I find the challenges of the mind and body still overwhelming. Life goes on for everyone but what about this new person that I now have to become comfortable with--especially when there's so much that I don't like about her? Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually....all things have changed and it's going to take me awhile. It's hard when you're expected to be so "grateful to be alive!" I am and I'm not. I'm more human now. My strength has been Christ and I'm more and more aware of how weak I am. I told Him while waiting for the dx that truly I am not strong enough for such a journey; obviously He felt different. Suffering brings us closer to Christ's humanity and for that I'm grateful.
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lol Kerry
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Hi All,
When I was 28, I was dx with bone cancer and had my right jaw removed. That was before all the good drugs (aloxi and dex for nausea, aranesp and neulasta for the blood) and I spent about a year in bed very sick. After that, I had an incredible zest for life and took up scuba diving, aerobic exercise, hiking, rappeling, caving and anything that enhanced the living experience. But am I grateful for cancer....don't think so.
BC has changed me as well. I am more empathetic and more understanding of other's grief. Yes, I still get angry and what I had to go through and there is not enough being done to cure this disease and even more in the way of reconstruction (especially nipples). I cried about my nipples yesterday and they have been gone for almost a year. Did I come out a better person...the jury is still out on that. I will never be grateful for having cancer. I am grateful for a caring onc, a qualified, PS, and definitely the women on this board. But I would happily give up my membership if I could.
At 50, I have learned to accept what life hands out and make the best of it. I woke up this morning feeling very sore from the expanders. Then I immediately remembered the family of the little boy who died yesterday in the river across the road from us. I began crying and I don't even know them. I was grateful that all I had to worry about today was how many pains meds I might have to take.
Interesting topic Annie, and you are a worthy person. You are just in a difficult place right now. Stress makes us not very nice. Just ask my husband. It took awhile for me to accept and come to terms and I don't get as stressed now as I did in the beginning. I had my chemo on Monday's and the weekend before was HELL! (for everyone). Hang in there.
BTW, I NEVER fail to use the cancer card whenever I can!
Debbie
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OMG!! I forgot the Cancer Card! That is the BEST part. I announced to my family that I would be playing the Cancer Card frequently and regularly until the end of the year. Who is going to argue with Cancer Girl???? So now chemo-brain gets the blame for every (actually) 'senior moment' that I have. It is so cool. Instead of being a forgetful lady-of-a-certain-age (worthy of eye-rolling) I am now a poor woman with you-know-what (worthy of knowing looks and sympathy). I am loving it. This has never happened before in my life
Is cancer anything to poke fun at? Hell yes!
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Ahhh yes, the cancer card.....I have used it quite frequently at work, got some things fixed that would otherwise have been brushed off by lower level managers as they have in the past. Of course it helps when the wife of one of the big bosses is my chemo nurse! And yes, we are enjoying using it to the max!!!
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Yes, it has changed me more than I could ever have imagined. And not for the most part to being better. I have a broken heart most of the time due to to many hours alone.
I have a very hard time staying on my feet to work. I'm mad cause my young feeling is gone, and it seems my friends and the family are too.
All I have is my faith left, that I will never let go of. And I have the dear BC Sisterhood. Where I would be without each of you is not something I had to worry about. When i needed someone, someone was there. Even in the middle of the night.
I wish cancer had not changed me, I want my old care free self back. But I know that I am forever changed.
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Hi all,
I'm bumping this up since I'm apparently far from alone in feeling the changes cancer has wrought.
Annie
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I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm ANGRY. I'm so full of anger these days and everything and everybody pisses me off. I want what I want and I want it NOW. I'm impatient. I'm full of rage. Good thing I'm seeing a social worker or I might kill somebody. These feelings have just surface in the last few weeks. Another stage I guess.
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When my dad died at age 46, some 28 years ago, I learned that some things you just don't get over. You get through them, you keep moving, but you don't get over it. Some things change your life forever - you can't go back to how it was...it will never be that way again.
Cancer hasn't made me better or worse, just different. I've lost trust in my body, in its ability to be whole and good and healthy. I've lost my religion - I haven't been to Mass since Easter...still have the faith, but can't get my arms around the Church at the moment. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, maybe it has as I think about the MRI-guided biopsy I'll be scheduling. I worry even more about my kids - have I raised them right? Will they do the right thing? What happens when they don't? Have they lost their trust and innocence? Is it my fault?
I've never been carefree and overly optimistic, so no one can say my attitude is much different. I do get more impatient with impatient people who get worked up over really stupid stuff. Only I am allowed to do that. So there!
I don't think the fear will ever go away. Like grief, it will simply get a bit easier over time.
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bump
(I'm still trying to think of what I should say in response to the question.)
otter
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I guess my biggest change is that I can say no, I cannot help at this time--sorry, without the least bit of guilt. So unlike me, but that is they way it is now--
And while no one has started up with me at this point, if they do I am ready for them,
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I have had a few new changes since I last posted my changes. I have alot more anger now. it comes & goes & I tend to take all of it out on dh. I yell at my teens hardly ever. ( I didnt much before) I do still tell them what they need to do- Jobs ,etc. If they argue - I just tune it out.
But dh gets all my Anger. About everything! If its pain with reconstruction- I bitch to him about it. if I cant sleep he hears it. if Im frustrated..He gets the frustrated anger. If Im crabbing about still having several surgeries ahead of me...He gets it. And my Anger may just be for 2 days. Then Im fine. And life goes on- with me less crabby until next time.
I am also afraid of more things. (lIke Burglars, intruders, House fires.... I was always one to worn my Girls- that bad things happen to good people too. And that Malls, Taking a walk on the street, Highways...Whatever. Arent safe. Anything can happen to anyone.
Now I really have a fear for their safety. They have always been told to check in with me when you arrive at your destination...I think My Youngest finally gets it...She calls right away when she gets there..Before she always forgot.
I worry that really bad things will happen to someone I love.
Pam
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I was really humbled when I was dx and went through treatment...I was like on my knees type of humbled. That was about 3-years ago. Now I have a lot of anger issues, seems like most of us have that in common. Also I am agitated, full of nervous energy, and have a mild case of OCD.
I used to have kind of refined eclectic taste in music...Now I listen to punk rock and heavy metal....for instance I can listen to "Janie's Got A Gun" over and over while I stomp around the streets like a 14-year old boy. I am sad to admit I have an interest in drugs...I stopped taking Lexapro, but messed around with Vicodin way too long, ditto the valium...I just don't care.
Also I used to go to the beach every chance I had and now I just as well prefer to be hot and walk around the city. Also until recently, while walking outside I had the strangest fear that someone was going to come from behind and club me on the head...or perhaps a chunk of building would fall and crunch my skull.
I was pretty creative most of my life; art major in college; painting, jewelry making....now nada...and I really do miss having creative urges....Well I'm hoping all of these things are just part of the healing process because I know I am one of the lucky ones to have survived this beastly disease and it's ghastly treatments. I feel a lot of pressure to be happy and do more good and love each day while I can....Way too much introspection....I love reading everyone elses thoughts here....P
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This is the first time I have been on in a while. But I do enjoy reading these. I have two more treatments to go. So right now I am so looking forward to ending the treatments and then praying for a healthy me to return!! But yes in some ways the cancer has changed me. I think I will be less secure in the future of great health I mean face it no one has a guarantee of good health. But for each and every day that is healthy I intend to enjoy it live it to the best and to thank God for it. It has also taught me that to not worry over all the small stuff. If something doesn't get done today oh well then it can wait until tomorrow. Or just won't get done. And I have learned from so many reaching out to me that I need to take more time in the future for others. Cards so many cards some from folks I hardly know. But when you are having a BAD day cards can sure mean a lot. So take care all keep your heads up and take each day with a smile and enjoy it. BC is no fun but a smile and laughter can sure lighten up the day. I just recently got a gift from a friend. A book Chicken Soup for the Breast Cancer Survivor's Soul. It is easy reading some are very uplifting and some sad. But I enjoyed it and it is a quick read. Some as you read them you can totally relate to the stories. Some of you have mentioned the chemo brain. Well I will tell you it worries me! Because I have been off work now a long time. I am a flight attendant and of course the FAA doesn't allow us to fly unless we are 100% well I am sure not that yet. So the first thing I have to do before going back to work is get current. Which means go to three days of recurrent ground school which is a lot of studying and tests UGH. In my over 12 yrs. of flying I have never gone this long without flying so needless to say the chemo brain has me worried!!! I am praying that when I do go back I do ok because I still want to fly for a few more years. And then the 2nd. thing that concerns me is wearing wigs I HATE them!! I wear hats almost all the time well not at home there I don't wear anything. But I don't think the airlines will let me wear hats. And my days can be long I can be scheduled a 14 hr day and I can't imagine wearing a wig that long. The hats breathe better and don't bother me as much and I have them in about every color. Which can be fun our friends say they now always watch to see what hat I will have on. Anyway I can just see it now half way through the day and freaking out on the plane with the dumb wig on and just going bald boy I bet that would go over well
most likely freak out a few passengers. And also most likely not make my bosses to happy. So as I said it really concerns me. Well I am off here for now have a good day all.God Bless You all Dana
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