Information vs. reassurance

Beesie

sunnidays, the other thing we don't know about new posters is anything about their life history. When I first arrived here with an early stage diagnosis, it was something that was easy for me to deal with because of my lifelong history of breast issues (I had my first biopsy at age 16) and because I'd recently gone through a very serious, hugely impactful life event.

But as someone wrote on this site a very long time ago, it's always important to remember that "The worst thing that someone has ever gone through is the worst thing that they've gone through". In other words, if someone has had a wonderfully blessed life, the first time they have a "we just need to take another look at this" callback might be devastating and might change their entire world view.

I do always remember that when I post, but when someone is seeing their situation to be much more dire than it really is, I will sometimes try to offer up some perspective. Often that is well received. Sometimes it's not

What I think is helpful to remember when we respond to posts is that we can't expect reactions and replies that reflect our own experiences and education and mental state but have to be ready for whatever might come back at us, based on the OP's experience, education and mental state. Then we get to decide if and how we deal with it from there.

wrenn

I have a sister who creates drama to act as a distraction from her anxiety and killing off that drama is devastating to her so she needs constant validation of her fears. They have to be declared real or she loses it.

AliceBastable

Wrenn, she sounds a lot like my sister. After I had a lumpectomy, she finally, in her 70s, had her first mammogram. She freaked out about it so much beforehand, and complained so much about it afterwards, that I finally had to tell her to stop talking about it to me because it was upsetting to hear. Of course, she accused me of being unsympathetic and insensitive. Some of the new posters who are having extreme mammophobia over their early testing remind me of her.

MinusTwo

SarahSmiles and SuQu31: seconding what Alice said. Your posts brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your feed back.

Sunnidays - I'm going to endeavor to keep your thoughts in mind as I read posts. Level of education and desire to engage in research about BC really does make a difference.

MountainMia

MinusTwo, and maybe that goes back to the question: are you looking for advice and/or information, or are you looking for emotional support? Obviously, not everybody knows that when they post, and of course also it can change even within a post thread. And we can't read their minds! But maybe I'll try to look at posts that way when I consider whether and how I might answer them.

Beesie

Mods, I just want to say that I really really appreciate some of your recent posts in newbie's threads. I think that's exactly what's needed to set the right tone and to stop problems before they ever have a chance to develop. Thank you!

MinusTwo

WAY TO GO MODS,. Just saw this answer to one of those anxious people.

>>>Just a mention here that if you are dealing with unremitting anxiety and feeling unsuccessful in resolving it then please also feel free to private message us so we can brainstorm ideas with you. Everyone here has offered great suggestions and there is nothing better than sharing the wisdom of shared experiences, however, when anxiety seems to be greatly interfering with your life, let us know so we can do some resource finding along with you. The Mods

MountainMia

Yes, very good! Thanks to the mods for their added visibility.

wrenn

Wow. Great news. Glad it is acknowledged in the threads now.

AliceBastable

Yes, that's great to see that response from the Mods. I hope that degree of visibility will continue. If we've been commenting on a newbie's post, it leaves us confused if the Mods send them a PM and the poster disappears from the conversation and we don't get an explanation.

Beesie

Today's response from the Mods in the post below was also really helpful, because it directed the newbie well on how to participate on the board, and it set the stage for any of our responses that follow, hopefully in a new thread started by this husband. I've held off responding because I don't want to hijack someone else's thread with issues that may be quite different than those of the OP.

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/5/topics/882176?page=1#post_5735407

SF-Cakes

I've read through this thread with great interest, and then found myself asking my husband, when he brought up an issue last night that he's brought up many times before, "are you seeking information or are you seeking reassurance?" And he said, "oh, reassurance", so I gave him a hug. Thank you, AliceB! The benefits extend beyond this site!

AliceBastable

SF-Cakes, Thank you! And your husband! When I posted the graphic, I had no idea it would lead to such an interesting and lively discussion. I love your point of carrying it over into places beyond this board. it's a question we can ask ourselves and others besides the members here.

wrenn

Kkubsky

Interesting chart. I am one of those very anxious people. Am I seeking reassurance? Yes. Am I seeking information? Yes. Do I want the truth? Yes. Do I desire a certain answer? Yes.

I have always appreciated the answers provided to me on this forum. Sometimes the answers can unsettle me more. Sometimes they provide me with peace. Sometimes "just the facts, Ma'am" are just what I need and sometimes knowing someone understands the fear and anxiety is enough. Sometimes I need a slap in the face and sometimes a pat on the back. I do not expect anyone on here to be my therapist or to solve my anxiety issues. And since all sorts of people with all sorts of experiences are part of this group, I expect different responses. Do I prefer some to others? Of course. Are some more helpful than others? Yes. But I think the importance of a group like this for me is to know that there are others in this same club that no one wanted to join. And there is a lot of helpful information here as well.

Please understand that no sane person would choose to have an anxiety disorder. It makes everything just that much more difficult. But even in the midst of reassurance seeking, there is also information seeking. Generally there is a rational mind that needs to hear the facts. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to get through the anxiety to reach it.

AliceBastable

Kkubsky, Thank you for that perspective.

angelia50

I notice you have had more than one type cancer. When you were diagnosed the second time, were you in a panic like the first time or just feel sort of odd? I don't know how to ask or explain. I had breast cancer in 2014 and now, just found out I have cervical but I feel different this time.

AliceBastable

The first, endometrial, freaked me out a bit. I wanted to run away, like that would have solved it! While recovering from it, I had the first of several minor skin cancers. That made me really angry, like adding insult to injury. Ten years later, I was fairly calm about the breast cancer, and didn't have any panic moments. Then I got the kidney cancer diagnosis right after and I think I laughed, but probably a little hysterically. It just struck me as ridiculous. It still does.

Good luck to you, and welcome to the crap magnet club.

SarahMaude

Alicebastable, I just came across this post. It and the conversation are so very good. I want to thank you for being one of the first to help me with my information seeking. We are still out here, and getting so much information in my first days was exactly what I needed. In the first 5 weeks of my journey, I’ve already seen some of the reassurance or confirmation seekers, and while I’ve tried to support some of them, I agree that my style isn’t the most helpful.

Just know that the facts, logic and experience you frequent posters gave me was really the reassurance I needed. Reassurance that I’m not the only one. Reassurance that being well informed makes me a better patient. Reassurance that when I’m at my wits end, I’m not crazy. I just have to keep moving forward, even if it’s at a snail’s pace.

You and several others in thisthread have inspired me to answer people who are newer than me. And, hopefully, I can be helpful to others by being informative, and as empathetic as I can be.

AliceBastable

sarahmaude, thank you! There are some of us who prefer a pretty straightforward approach (combined with compassion, to the best of our separate abilities), and we're always delighted to find newcomers who think in a similar way.