Second guessing decisions

Waves2Stars

I decided to go mx plus recon because none of the specialists suspect lymph involvement (nothing certain until surgery), and I want to avoid radiating my left breast. There’s Afib and heart failure in my family. Im so scared radiation will eventually lead to some mild cardiac remodeling that will bring it on sooner, rather than when I’m in my 60’s. Plus I’m going to be on tamoxifen! But what if I wake up from this, to me, extreme surgery and recon, to find out I need rads??? Then I made this gamble for nothing!

The specialists all said I’m going to have a “deformity” with lump, rads, recon. They all said it sadly, like it won’t turn out good no matter what. I’m surprised my mom and husband are telling me who cares how bad it looks, at least it will all be you! It’s kind of sweet I guess, or maybe they’re trying to come to terms with surgeries, mortality, etc. But I don’t know if I can really cope with a concave inner breast plus the knowledge of my heart exposed to radiation. I try to make a pros and cons list, but it’s as absurd as Sponge Bob making a cancer treatment pros and cons list, because I’m too oblivious to understand it all and it seems childish. Lists are for groceries, not cancer!!!!

I make peace, then I panic, feel guilty, get angry pretty much every other day. I feel trapped in a creepy casino where I’m forced to play at all the tables, but the rules only allow losing, so I’m trying to lose the least, trying to be the winner of losing. I think I will find relief once I get into the OR, but it’s freaking me out right now. I want to cancel the surgery very badly, I want someone else to make the decision, but I want to get it all over with

ElaineTherese

Cancer is a crapshoot, but you can't assume that you'll have to do radiation or be "deformed" afterwards. Lots of breast cancer patients get reconstruction after radiation. Also, radiation oncologists use techniques designed to avoid direct hits on your heart.

You're right that there aren't any perfect solutions to your dilemma. I chose a lumpectomy because I didn't want to do reconstruction. My thought was (and is): you can always take more breast tissue off later but once your breasts are gone, they are gone. Radiation didn't make the appearance of my right (cancer) breast any worse. It is what it is.

I hope you can find some peace of mind soon. Maybe, talking to a therapist who specializes in breast cancer patients would help. ((Hugs))

farmgirl888

Please get in touch with Dr Alvarado @ UCSF for a consult, about a lumpectomy with IORT (Interoperative Radiation Therapy). You are early stage and probably a candidate for IORT. The radiation is a one time treatment while you are in surgery, it's very controlled so it will not damage your heart. I had just about the same size, I had a the above treatment, NO deformity, I do have a scar from the procedure as they have to place the IORT probe in the tumor bed location but that's a small price to pay for having a more controlled dose of radiation. UCSF is world famous for this treatment.

Waves2Stars

ElaineThere, thanks for reminding me to think about how many women choose radiation and aren’t left with pacemakers! Really so many here choose lump+rads and seem not to have cardiac troubles. I need to keep it in mind instead of thinking only of worst case.

Farmgirl888, I will check that out! Seems interesting

Cowgirl13

Waves, I had a lumpectomy (left side) and rads 12 years ago and I haven't had any problems. Just wanted to let you know.