First date

lehrski

I’ve always been pretty shy and haven’t dated a lot. I was at a church single’s event a few weeks ago just to spend time with some friends. A man I chatted with briefly just texted me to see if I’d like to go out. It would be fun, but I have no idea how to handle the cancer thing. I’d be up for meeting as casual friends, but I’m not sure how to explain that it’s not fair to date given a very uncertain future

exbrnxgrl

lehrski,

Since it’s a first date, I don’t think you need to bring up cancer at all. Your health, especially something as serious as cancer, is very personal. A first date is just a getting to know you kind of thing and there’s no reason to reveal everything about yourself to someone you barely know. If things move forward you can deal with it then. For now, enjoy a nice first date!

Anonymous

Well, its just coffee or whatever, right? I mean hes not asking to marry you there and then (nor are you asking the same of him ) Go, enjoy this person's company and have a good time and laugh. Plenty of time in the future for the 'heavy stuff' - if you had said you hadn't told him after a year and he was agitating to get married, or three months in of dating and hes talking kids and you haven't said anything, the advice would be a bit different!

moth

Say yes to the date and go have some fun!

If it comes up naturally in the course of conversation, like if he says "where do you plan to retire?" or something similar then I think it's fair to say "um well I'm sick so not sure I'll make it to retirement ,but how about you?"

I'm open about my dx so I wouldn't hide it but it doesn't have to be the focus unless the conversation turns that way. Just go with the flow.

star2017

Do people at the church know?

I agree with others. Go and gave a nice time. Only address the diagnosis if it comes up naturally or if you feel comfortable doing so.

Best wishes.

Snow-drop

I would say the truth in brief, if things started to get serious, see if he is up to continue as casual friends going out as what you want. My friend met her husband when she was on chemo, 6 years married now and they adopted a cute cat. She had 3 more chemos as her cancer got back and several times hospitalized in the past few years.There are good men out there as well as jerks!

Traveltext

I respect all the differing viewpoints but, as a guy, I’d be pretty upfront with a woman about my health if I went on a first date. I mean, if a relationship developed it would be on a firmer footing than saying, at a later date, oh, I guess you should know tha I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. Best get this important fact on the table ASAP.

serendipity09

Traveltext - thank you! It really is good to hear a man’s perspective. I’ve been upfront about my diagnosis because I felt that I owed it to the guys I go out on a date with, that way they can decide whether or not they’d like to be friends or something more serious without the pressure. I’ve made a few really good friends who have really supported me and one in particular who wants to pursue things. I also respect those that keep quiet. I’ve chosen a few times to not say anything and glad I did, maybe it was instinct, but they turned out to be men that definetely were not for me

Anotherone

Ivy and traveltext - not sure whether you noticed this thread is in stage 4 cancer only part of the forum.

On the topic - have a good date , what to say and when depends on how you feel about him and whether others at church know. I met my bf after stage 4 diagnosis and I told him while we were chatting well before meeting but we met through the dating site and chatted on and off for a few months so the situation was different.

Traveltext

Anotherone. Oh, I see that now. Apologies. Will bow out of the discussion.