Telling adult children?

DelightfulJade

I finally had ultrasound guided biopsies on both breasts last week. It was relatively painless and I have very little bruising and soreness afterward. The radiologist wasn’t too suspicious about the left side, but wanted a sample anyway. She was pretty certain that the right side was cancer. However, she did emphasize that my nodes looked very good on ultrasound and she would be surprised if anything showed up there. She placed a titanium clip in the left and a scout reflector in the right. I’m surprisingly much less anxious now after the biopsies - today, anyway

I haven’t said a word to my adult children about any of this and am wondering if now would be a good time, before I have a full diagnosis. I could ease into it with the news of a biopsy of a smallish tumor and benign looking nodes. I should have results next week. I will have to tell them eventually, but am caught between causing them worry while I wait and shocking them with an actual diagnosis.

I realize that every family situation is unique but does anyone have any advice or suggestions about this?

Roccoriel

First off, warm wishes for the best possible results from your biopsies.

I have mixed feelings on this, as the adult child of someone with breast cancer. I am grateful that my mom told me early (I think before the biopsy) so I wasn't smacked with news of her diagnosis (de novo stage iv, despite annual mammograms, no family history, etc.). The waiting for results each step of the way was also very hard for me to deal with. I wanted to be strong for my mom, but ended up sobbing on the phone every time I talked to her. It was a mess.

I think it depends a lot on your children. I tend to be somewhat anxious, a worrier by nature, and emotionally responsive (and prone to doing online research - eep). Some people are very logical, and don't seem to get upset by things like this, perhaps they accept, plan, and adjust well. I think if you children tend towards a lot of anxiety and emotion, then waiting until you know more (maybe after the biopsy but before the full diagnosis?) could be good. If they tend towards calm logic, then telling them now is probably fine.

It also depends on your situation. My mom's husband had been recently diagnosed with stomach cancer when she got her diagnosis. I was one of the people outside her house she could talk to about the stress. I think she may have needed that, and so for that reason I'm glad she told me. So while taking into account your children's personalities, it is also to consider how you are feeling and the support network you have.

Sorry if this was unhelpful or a bit scrambled.

LW422

I did not tell my children until I knew my diagnosis. I did not want them to have to worry needlessly in case it turned out that I did not have cancer. You know your children better than anyone, so go with your gut.

My best wishes to you for the best possible outcome.

exbrnxgrl

I think you answered your own question when you noted that every family situation is unique. My adult daughters knew every step of the way, from first suspicious mammogram to every step there after. They would have been terribly upset had I not done that. But, that’s the nature our our relationship so keeping them informed each step of the way was normal for us. You know your children best so let that be your guide. Take care.

flashlight

I told my two daughters about the biopsy and they said they were glad I did. When I received my results I had my husband call them with the news and then spoke with them while they cried. It was one of the hardest thing to do. I felt I had to be strong for them. Fingers X that you have good results.

DelightfulJade

I’m so glad I found this board. Thank you all for your responses! Every family situation is unique, as are the children within the family. I think I will wait until I get results. There’s still a tiny part of me that is clinging to the hope that maybe the radiologist was wrong 🤔 and we all will be surprised. I usually am open with my children, but one of them is more emotionally fragile than the others so I will use that child as the benchmark for my decision. I have been so consumed by worry over the last few weeks that it’s hard to think straight about anything!

There’s always hope!

I wish everyone here the best ❤️

bcincolorado

My kids were grown as well. I have one daughter and one son. Son was off in college and daughter was married and finishing her degree but not far from us. I told them after diagnosis.

Daughter lived close enough and wanted to come for first surgery which was originally lumpectomy and same day. Then they went home a few hours away.

Was offered BRCA testing and daughter said she would rather "not know risk" because she would worry and she is a worrier. I chose NOT to do it since I could not know and not tell her if she would be at risk or not. Her doctor is aware of history of her mom and know she is being checked even though not yet 40.

Best wishes to you in your treatment.

barbojoy

I haven’t told my 26 yo daughter yet. I have the diagnosis but am going for 2nd opinion next week.

My daughter is an only child and already has a lot on her mind. I have decided to wait until I have to start treatment. Every family is different for sure. I think you are smart to use your most sensitive/emotional kid as the benchmark. I think most of us google diseases when we find out a loved on has it. I think it’s best to have all the facts so that Dr.Google won’t steer her in the wrong direction.

Best of luck for favorable results

SEdens

Hi,

Just found I have Invasive / Left Breast/ Estrogen Negative/ .4cm. Waiting to talk to a doctor on Friday. I am a mother of 4 adult children. I am planning to tell them tomorrow. 2 curveballs were thrown at us, my husband was let go from his job of 8 years. and my daughter is delivering her first baby July 30th. Thankful God is walking right beside me. I feel our children should know right away. They want to know they can trust us to be honest and respect them for the adults that they are.

MountainMia

From planned, screening mammogram to diagnosis was only a week for me, so there was barely time to catch my breath, much less tell my kids. Also it was important to me that we tell them all 3 as close in time as possible, preferably same day. One was living on the west coast, one on the east coast, and one in the middle of the country. All with different work/life schedules. So timing was a challenge. All 3 are very analytical and smart, but my daughters have big feelings and some anxiety issues, too. And DIL was 7 months pregnant, so it was a lot for her.

All to say, in MY family... But your mileage may vary.

Blessings and my best to you.

exbrnxgrl

I think that understanding your adult children and the general family dynamic should guide your decision. Both of my adult daughters live near by. We are close and they are both mature and reasonable in good times and bad. They would have been upset if I hadn’t told them about every step of my bc experience, virtually as it was unfolding. They are my children and even though adults, despite my motherly inclination to “protect” them, they have made it clear that they are adults and can handle adult issues. Do what works for your family but respect the fact that they are adults. Take care.

AliceBastable

I just realized I probably never said anything directly to my adult son, who lives in our basement. I pretty much assumed my husband would keep him up to date on the gory details. We had plenty of conversations, but it was on normal, everyday topics. I guess I'd mention my radiation schedule or extra surgeries that year here and there, but just in passing. It never occurred to me to sit him down for The Talk.

KBL

SEdens, congratulations on the baby, and I’m sorry about your husband. I too was about to be a grandma when I found out. My daughter was six months pregnant. I have to say what a gift my grandbaby was. I am enjoying every minute I get. Hugs.

robinorbit

I waited to tell my 21-year old son until all biopsies were done and I knew what I was facing (about 2 mos. after initial diagnosis) so I could share the info with him without worrying him about what-ifs. And it scared him so much, even though my cancer was small, uncomplicated, and very treatable. I was surprised, as he does not typically express emotions. Our relationship has become much closer since then. I think I did the right thing for us. Each child and mother is different.

DelightfulJade

Thank you all for your replies. I finally told my grown children about the biopsy, which helped to prepare them for the results. I do think it was better that they weren’t blindsided with my cancer diagnosis. Telling them was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do but it was a huge relief once they knew. They were all very supportive and calmer than I had expected. I’m keeping them informed as I go along, but as we all know the waiting is hardest part for eberyone

CarinaWarrior

Hello all! This is my first post. I had three sono guided needle biopsies on Wednesday. Although my lab results are not in yet, my OBGYN called me yesterday to tell me that at least one looks 95% malignant. I spent most of yesterday crying and having feelings of the entire situation being surreal, luckily my husband was home with me and I had him for emotional support. I have 2 sons. One is 22 and has high functioning Autism who lives at home and a 19 year son who is away at college. We have not said anything to them yet. We thought we would wait until lab comes in. Any suggestions for telling an adult child away at college? We thought of contacting his Coach and also the Wellness Center at his college to maybe deliver the news amongst people who can support him? We live in NY and he is in Florida. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

SpecialK

I had two children in college - one locally and one several states away - at the time of diagnosis. My daughter, going to college locally, knew as soon as I had a formal diagnosis but she and my husband were both unaware that I had a biopsy done. I did not tell either of them since I had a long history of benign biopsies, my spouse has a demanding and stressful work situation, and I didn't want to worry he or my daughter unnecessarily. I know this is unusual, but I spent 28 years as a military spouse and often had to deal with things on my own - that is comfortable for me, but certainly not for most others! Once I had a breast cancer diagnosis they were both very involved in attending appointments and care giving. I waited to tell my son, away at college, until I had a full treatment plan in place, so that way I could answer his questions and set his mind at ease about what we were going to do going forward. I used Skype to tell him so that he could see us and we could see him - FaceTime or Zoom would also work if you think that would be a good thing. He is also a firefighter, and has a naturally calm demeanor, but I asked him later if he was frightened and he said he really wasn't because I didn't seem to be. You know your children best, and there is no one right way to do this. Give them the information you think is appropriate and in the way you think they will receive it most effectively, with the least amount distress. Wishing you the best - I know this is hard.